Kids at Weddings

You'd be smart to have a babysitter. It would be nice if the kids could stay close so the parents could pop in & out. Is there an extra room at the reception area? A couple of responsible teen age relatives would work well. Get them some age appropriate games and kid music and everyone can have fun.

I'd talk to the moms of the children and get their feedback. A breastfeeding mom may not be able to be away for 8 hours.

Have you talked to the moms who will be in your wedding party about this? Maybe you could ask them for their input. Explain that you don't want to be 'anti-kid,' but that you are concerned that it's going to be a long service followed by a formal dinner, and it might be too much for the little ones to endure.

The idea of hiring a 'sitter' to watch the kids would work if you know exactly how many kids of what ages will be attending. But you don't want to end up with a situation where you have a caregiver (or even a few caregivers) and then several dozen kids show up ranging from newborns to rambunctious preschoolers! That will be overwhelming for the sitters, unsafe for the kids, and could really backfire.

My own experience was that my bridesmaids who had kids found sitters so THEY could relax and enjoy the wedding and reception. They knew that if their children were there, they would be distracted and feel pressured by both 'callings'; wanting to focus on the wedding couple but then having to be 'on call' as mommy. So by leaving the kids with their own sitters, they knew the little ones would be taken care of, freeing them up to have a wonderful, memorable day with the newlyweds.

A friend of mine had a cousin who INSISTED on bringing her kids (a 3 year-old and an 8 month old) to the wedding, and both kids screamed and cried the ENTIRE time. (There were others there with small children, but when they got fussy the parents quickly whisked them out of the church.)
But her cousin 'didn't want to miss anything' so she just stood there and let the infant wail and the toddler shriek through the entire ceremony. My friend played me the videotape and it was unbelieavable! You can't hear the music, the vows, the pastor, you can't hear ANYTHING but the ear-splitting screeching! This has ruined her relationship with her cousin because the cousin says the bride was 'just being selfish' for expecting her to take the noisy children outside because 'kids will be kids.' My friend says she can't even look at the kids (now much older) without being angry at their mom all over again. And everyone else who attended the wedding refers to those 2 as 'the brats who ruined the wedding' --- a label they will always wear even though it is the parents who are responsible for the disaster.

So don't wait and hope for the best, do what you can NOW to settle this issue! You are NOT selfish for wanting a peaceful ceremony and there are compromises to make this possible. Start by asking the moms who will be in attendence for their suggestions, then work from there.

New to AZ --- still working out the kinks!

I think this is toughest for individuals coming from out of town or those guests who don't have a baby sitter or family nearby to watch young kids.

I would suggest providing some baby sitters in a nearby ballroom/conference room if you are having the reception in a hotel. We went to a wedding where kids were not invited to the reception and the couple getting married reserved a room nearby and provided activities & food for the children.

We recent attended a catholic wedding @ a Basilica and i was outside with my daughter for the full ceremony (1 hour) because i did not want her to interrupt the ceremony or draw attention away from the bride and groom who had had printed on the invitation adults only reception. My daughter did attend the reception, as it was a family members wedding and the groom spoke w/ my husband and said or daughter was invited to the reception as she is family. Our daughter was wonderful at the reception (she is 19 months) and we received lots of compliments on how well she did. My husband and i also know our daughter very well and took turns taking her for walks outside during the reception. I am not going to lie, it took some extra work, but it was also our choice. So, it didn't bother us. My husband was able to participate in ALL of his required responsibilities as a groomsman - we made sure of it!! We also did NOT as for a plate of food for our daughter, as we knew she could never eat that much food. She ate before we went to the reception and we brought along some snacks and drink for her.

just~me

I know that my husband and I do not attend events unless its child friendly.
Is there anyway you can reserve a room in the church for a responsible person to watch the small children. I think the moms would really respect you more for thinking of them, instead of putting them in the spot to be away from the kids all day. I know I would.
You can always ask them for their opinions.

One Happy Mom in Arizona.

I know that if I go to events that aren't kid friendly I usually get a sitter and leave them at home. With that said, I think it's a fantastic idea if you get a service for the wedding. It saves a lot of headaches for out of town guest as well as if you are having a wedding at 2pm and a reception at 6pm it gives the parent a little time to check it with the little ones and feed them if necessary (breast feeding).

I will say that I have too turned down invites to functions where I have my kids and can't bring them and couldn't find a sitter. It's really hard to leave my kids with people I don't know but I would feel better if there was a service provided near the area when I could "pop in" and observe.

"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."

If you don't feel like you already have enough on your plate with planning and such then you could try and arrange for babysitting services, although I do not think it's necessarily your responsibility to do so. I think if you have sent out invitations with ample time to respond then those who plan to come should be able to secure childcare. Although there are some people who don't attend events if they are not child friendly, i.e. they cannot bring their children along I think that sometimes it's more of a burden to have children there especially if they're young if the event goes into the night and the children might get tired & or cranky. If there were not going to be a lot of children at the reception and it was at night I would personally myself arrange for a sitter and treat it like a date night type thing. There are some people who don't like leaving their children no matter what the circumstances may be and that's fine that's their own preference and then there are others who like to take the opportunity like a wedding and treat it as a night out together; to each is own!!

Ok I have to tell you my wedding experience this past weekend!! My mom invited me to a wedding at a church for a family friend that I've known since grade school. The grooms mom insisted that I bring my 19 month old. I was very skeptical about this since kids can't sit still for anywhere more than 10 minutes if that. They seat me in a pew in the back behind another pew that was for the handicapped section, but I was closest to the isle which was blocked off so the bride and wedding party could pass by. There was a videographer in front of me along with all of his stuff blocking me in. Mid service my daughter gets upset because she doesn't want to sit anymore. She screamed at the top of her lungs for at least a good minute while I was hurdling over the camera man's stuff, booking it down the hall way and out the door in heels. I'll never take my daughter to another service. We didn't even stay for the reception. Now all I can think about is how they will hear my daughter jibjabing on their wedding video followed by a long huge scream as it's leaving the building.

Lisa - Mom to her spunky little Scarlette

I just returned from a wedding last week in which my husband was the best man and my son was the ring bearer. The wedding was in a Catholic church and the reception was at a winery. On the invitations, the bride asked for the number of children under 10 on the RSVP card. She also made a note that babysitting service would be available at the winery IF requested in ADVANCE. I thought this was a great way to know how many children were coming. At the church there was an area in the back right for young children with some small puzzles and teddy bears. The children could sit on the floor and play quietly. I will say at her wedding only one child played with them, the rest were fine. One person did have an infant and when the child got fussy (not even crying) she immediately went out side where she could see through the door but you could not here. Also, some churches now have family rooms with audio.
At the reception, she had tables on the sides for the children and kids meal with pizza and fruit. She also gave every child a beanie baby (not sure if that was the brand but to give you an idea on the size). The kids really had a great time with their bears and the kid friendly food. Also, they served the kids right away so they did not have to wait. Once the music started they danced. In a small side room, they had a sitter with a playpen and some younger toys. I also noticed most of the older kids (I would say 6 and up) had hand held game systems with them.
I think not inviting kids will limit the people who attend.

Janet

I have a three yr. old and if I was invited to a wedding I would like some advanced notice before I am invited whether it is an adult wedding or not. I recently got invited to a wedding but did not find out untill the day of the wedding that my son couldn't go. I was looking forward to the wedding to. I would talk to the moms and find out what would be the best solution.

I find it ridiculous and self-centered for any guest of any event (wedding, birthday party, etc.) to simply assume it is okay to bring their children along....or do take offense when they are not invited. This is YOUR wedding, therefore, it should be planned as you desire.
Adults can be expected to act like adults...as in be responsible and organized and make arrangements for their children.
They can get and pay for a sitter if their children are not invited. If they cannot be away from the kids for a long time, then then can slip home between the service and reception. Or, one parent can opt to miss the service and show up for just the reception...or trade-off between the 2 if they really don't want to hire a sitter.

For out of town family - who find it easier to bring the child along, rather than leave them at home w/ a sitter, nanny, or family member....it would be a thoughtful gesture if you were to research a babysitter/nanny service to make available to them for the wedding. Certainly however, you should not be expected to pay for their babysitting bill. Goodness no.

Whenever we travel as a family, we have found sitters for that one night out of "adult time." Whether it be a professional babysitting service we hired in Colorado, or using the hotel manager's personal babysitter when we were in Coral Gables, FL - we've found a way to make it work. With a little effort (and presumbably, for your wedding, your guests will be willing to show a little effort), anyone can get good, reliable, childcare.

Good luck!

Happy2BMommy, is a stay-at-home mom who just turned 40 (argh!) with a 7 yr. old daughter and a 5 yr. old son, and is a discussion leader for arizonamoms.com living in Scottsdale.

First of all, you should definitely talk with your bridesmaids and those who you are close that potentially might have a problem. It would certainly be ideal for you to give them support with the option of a babysitter on-site if that is at all possible, but assess what their needs are first.

JuneSlager is a discussion leader for arizonamoms.com, raising three children (ages 15, 14, & 11) in Northeast Phoenix.

I never thought about having a babysitter all set up for a wedding. That's a really good idea. Personally I don't like kids at weddings and always wanted to go to them without my kids. But you're right-a lot of people get upset if their children arent invited. Finding a sitter is a good solution!!

Paz

Ok Moms, I'm expecting lots of you to hate me now! Here it goes......A wedding is firstly about the bride, secondly( sorry men) about the groom. After that,it should be about family and friends but very last on that list should be anybody's child. I have seem more weddings get ruined,yes ruined, by a screaming, crying child.Do you know how much time, energy and emotion goes into a wedding not to mention money! I was brought up that children are to be seen and not heard,only through respect of others and years of growth was a child allowed to be a part of the adult world. Today we allow our children to interupt important meetings, phone calls, etc. because we're afraid to "hurt" their feelings. Are you kidding! And then we wonder why they misbehave in stores and restaurants and now possibly at your best friend's wedding! If I couldn't find my own babysitter ( and many times I couldn't) I stayed home. I missed my cousin's wedding for this reason.Yes, it was a sacifice but I wouldn't dream of ruining her wedding and honestly I had very well behaved children, they were well behaved because I wouldn't tolerate anything else,it was what was expected of them and they are now 20 and 25 yr. old lovely young ladies.The attitude of today, Love me,love my children, is for the birds. And people need to stop taking offense when their children are not included. Our family's rule at weddings was: Family memers, 16 and older were invited, you weren't sixteen, not family.....Not invited! Deal with it! As far as having to hired a babysitter,why should you have this responsibility? And if someone gets hurt or cries in the "babysitting room" don't think the bride won't hear about it because I promise she'll be the first to hear about it. Parents, lighten up, you're kids are kids,if you want them to have a day out how about Chucky Cheese, not a wedding. Sorry, I know I just acquired many new foes!

My B-i-l and S-i-l had a real nice set up when they got married, but we didn't have kids at the time, so we didn't need to take advantage.

They also had a formal mass (LONG service to a Protestant like me - my wedding was 15min long). The chruch had a basement rec room, and they hired a babysitter service to sit with small children through the wedding so that the parents could go to the wedding.

Then the babysitting service moved to the reception venue, where there was a room set up for kids. Kids were free to come and go with their parents as they wanted, and there was an alternate menu that was more child friendly. There was also a nap area for smaller children stocked with things that parents had lent for the occasion. And the kids room was similarly stocked with toys that were loaned for the occasion.

My s-i-l comes from a large, extended, close knit family with lots of small children, so this was pretty much a necessity if she wanted the family to be able to come. But I know it was not cheap.

But if you have the means and inclination, I say go for it.

I would only bring a child if it was acceptable to the bride to do so. However, I did include children at my wedding and it was wonderful! They are part of my family and I couldn't imagine excluding family (and friends) from the biggest family gathering of all. Children add to these occassion, in my opinion. But, I was fully prepared to have "stuff go wrong" and wasn't that interested in presenting a perfect "performance", the way many weddings are viewed. Even our officiant, told me, "this is a show of sorts" and he suggested ways to add to the "emotion" (drama) of the event with particular words, reading, bridal party placement, etc. That was all fine and we took his suggestions, but not to the extent that I was going to worry exclude guests that would otherwise attend. It was precious to see the little ones dancing at the reception and I'm so glad I included them.

"Only a life lived for others, is the life worthwhile" - Albert Einstein

In response to "me" - yes, we had two, two-bedroom suites at the Biltmore in Coral Gables..for my baby brother's graduation from Miami. So - one and the same hotel.
And, yes, I do think that I am a "good parent" for working through the manager of a 5-star property who is accountable for the referral for a sitter. Someone who always must be licensed, certified, etc. etc.

Frankly, at some level, every sitter is a roll of the dice. Your next door neighbor of 10 years might yell at your kids when you go out. You teenaged niece might not handle herself responsibly in an un-tested emergency.

Nonetheless, my point was only to indicate that reputable, certified childcare is out there. The bride should invite exactly who she (and whoever else is paying) wants...and so be it. If someone's kid isn't invited - then they are not. And if out-of-town wedding guests need a sitter, my suggestion was simply that it is a thoughtful gesture of the bride/her family to simply refer their guests to a reputable nanny service and let the guests decide what to do with the information.

Personally, we did not have children at our wedding. I was the first married of my siblings (as was my husband), so there were no nieces/nephews. So that part was easy. Our neighbors and friends didn't even consider bringing their kids - as they knew we were spending well over $100/person for the evening, space was limited to the 150 adults we had invited (no more could fit into the room at Tucson Country Club), and therefore, kids were a non-issue. Not to mention, with cocktails at 6:30, dinner afterwards, then dancing, it was a LATE night - at which many children would be tired/bored/miserable; thereby compromising the fun the parents would have had!

I think that some of our neighbors here brought a babysitter with them on the drive to Tucson and left their kids and sitter at their hotel room. Partied the afternoon and night away, and then went back to the hotel to crash and drive home in the morning!

Happy2BMommy, is a stay-at-home mom who just turned 40 (argh!) with a 7 yr. old daughter and a 5 yr. old son, and is a discussion leader for arizonamoms.com living in Scottsdale.

Thank you "me" for your kind words...
:)

Yes, my brother is a big time "Cane" now...and the funniest is how my Mom now assumes the whole family is a diehard fan now too...despite that my husband went to U of FL!

Weddings and kids is just one of those topics that is often extremely stressful.

We've gotten used to the idea of non-family babysitters right from the start...simply b/c we've never had a family member living around nearby to watch. And when we visit grandparents, they do not offer to watch the kids for a few hours for a dinner date. So the kids have never really had an aunt or someone watch them.

But this has made for a good discussion stream!!....and I thought that there were some good ideas and suggestions presented above!

Happy2BMommy, is a stay-at-home mom who just turned 40 (argh!) with a 7 yr. old daughter and a 5 yr. old son, and is a discussion leader for arizonamoms.com living in Scottsdale.

I say you do what you want to do. We have attended both kinds of weddings and frankly, I find it a little fun to attend a wedding as a date w/my hubby.

When our son was nursing, we would attend one or the other (i.e., reception OR wedding).

Having a sitter available is above and beyond what most would offer - it's incredibly kind for you to even consider doing so.

Mouse_tales is a discussion leader in the East Valley for arizonamoms.com. She spends most of her days juggling her duties as a mom, wife, and business owner. Her three little kittens range in age from 4 to 13.

Thinking way back to my wedding, we made arrangements with the church to use one of their sunday school rooms, and had a babysitter in there. I do think we said "children welcome at reception, but adults only wedding." but it was a nice back up. I think we had one child use the sitter, but it was nice for us and for the childs parents to have that available. Also, for anyone worried about a stranger sitter. They were right there and could be checked on at any moment. We also had a protestant wedding so it was about 30 minutes total...

I agree no one should assume their children are welcome, unless they have made arrangements. Good luck, it is a shame that with all the other stuff you have going, that you have to be mindful of this potential emotional mindfield too!!

Lovemy4 is a discussion leader for North Central Phoenix, tired mother of 4 great kids and wife to one great husband.

I think that people who are offended if their children are notinvited are just plain rude and have not learned manners. A wedding is an adult event. I bet if they were invited to a nightclub for a night of dancing, they would not insist on bringing the kids. I thinnk its honorable of the bride to arrange for baby sitting especially if people are coming form out of town and they know no babysittersi in the area. but ultimately it should be the parents that decide to go to the event and to get a baby sitter just like they would for any other adult event. they are probably the same kind that take their kids to the movies and dont leave when they start screaming. it should be the brides choice whter or not to include children and it should depend on the venue, if it is at a winery then absolutley not but if it is in the park, maybe it would be ok. and the people that get offended by aan adults only wedding should just not be invited to any more events. cross them off the list. they are not paying for it, and they have no right to tell the bride what she shold do ro not do. it is the bride and grooms day not the guests day.

I know some moms might disagree with me, but I think it's your special day and you can decide whether you want kids. We wanted an adult only wedding and figured everyone could get a babysitter for one night. One couple did bring their newborn, but the mom was nursing so we understood.
I don't think you have to arrange for a babysitter unless you have out of town guests with kids.

Susie is a discussion leader in the east valley for arizonamoms.com. She has two sons, ages 7 and 3.

My oldest daughter just got married in March and we also were faced with what to do about kids. We didn't know anyone to hire to babysit but I talked to my husband's aunt and she agreed to miss the wedding ceremony at a hotel so she could watch her grandkids and one other baby in the bridal dressing room. I was most worried about a baby crying and disrupting the wedding which was outdoors in a garden. The kids were welcome at the reception which was a sit down dinner with a DJ. We had a kids menu. The kids were a lot of fun. They danced up a storm and had a great time. They were 2 and 6 years old. There also was a baby younger than a year old.
On the invitations, we had put how many people were invited so they knew if we were including their kids or not. A couple of cousins who were from out of town asked if they could bring their kids or they wouldn't be able to come and that's where the Aunt babysitting came in handy.

Lori Baker is mom to two daughters, 21 and 24 years old. She is
editor for the Valley and State section's Education and Environment pages in the Arizona Republic.