Ya'll are going to think I'm horrible but I was talking to my friend from Dallas on the phone last week and my daughter (just turned 2 this month) came up and sweetly laid her head in my lap. I thought what a little angel.. Then the sour patch kid bit me right on the very top of my thigh! The soft part where if you get pinched there it hurts. I screamed dropped the phone and grabbed her arm and (PROMISE NOT HARD AT ALL) but her back. It was the first thing I could think off to do. I had remembered one of my mommy friends saying that she did that with her son and he never but again. I looked at her and said "bitting hurst don't do it, it's not nice. It hurts doesn't it."? I got back on the phone and told my friend what happened and what I did and she just got silent. She got off the phone after that and I remembered that she doesn't even disapline her boys for fear it will not make them the people they are going to be when they grow up. I felt horrible after thinking about it and I called my friend who had bit her son and she said that it worked for her, What did I teach my daughter, that mommy hurt her b/c she hurt mommy? I will never do that again. I didn't like the way she looked at me. It was like mommy why would you do that? I think I am more damaged than she is from this for sure.... Has anyone else done this if a child bits you or do I need to be sharing a padded cell with britney?
Elizabeth is a discussion leader for arizonamoms she writes about everything from her needing mommy advice to crazy and silly stuff that happens. She lives in the West Valley with her husband and 3 children.
well.......you put this out
well.......you put this out there so I'll give you my honest response....I have heard of people doing this......but it's not something I agree with.....honestly I would never do that to my son.....I can't imagine getting any satisfaction out of hurting him....especially when he was at that age where he really didn't understand what he was doing.
I can remember one time when my son was very small, probably right around a year and a half old, and we were at a freind's house...I was talking to her an he was on the sofa next to me.....and all of a sudden I got this sharp pain in the soft fleshy part of my arm.....he bit me....hard! It was totally unexpected, and I was so startled I shreiked and I think I in turn scared him...and when I looked at him he started to cry and reached for a hug. I knew he didn't mean to hurt me, so I just told him "don't bite mom, that hurts. Ouch!" and I don't think he ever did it again. It wouldn't have occurred to me to bite him back at that point.
I don't think you are a terrible parent - it's human nature to be angry and want to retaliate when someone or something hurts you......but I don't think your daughter learned anything from this and there are better ways to discourage a behavior.
I have done it, and you know
I have done it, and you know what it works! They learn that if they bite they will be bitten in return. I don't bite hard enough to break skin, just enough to make them realize, ouch that hurts. If we as parents don't teach them then who will? My oldest is almost 7 and I did it to her, and believe me she isn't traumatized. Yes, as parents I think we all feel bad when we have to discipline our babies, but if we don't, then we are going to have a world filled with adults that can't take responsibility for their actions.
This happened to me when my
This happened to me when my daughter was about two. I reacted the sae way - I bit her -- but not hard enough to leave a mark. She never bit me or anyone else again (she had also bitten her sister). Looking back on it doesn't make me feel guilty - I didn't do it out of rage or spite. I taught her a lesson that worked. She is now 11 and I have told her that story. She thinks it's funny and doesn't harbor any ill feelings about it.
sure, fine, whatever
I understand the tendency to
I understand the tendency to link the biting back with the fact that the child never did it again, but the fact is that the kids who weren't biten back, but we scolded harshly, also never did it again. Most of the time, a young child bites out of bordom, curiousity, or even anger, for lack of skills to deal with his/her anger. But, the fact that the child never bit again, does not make a sound argument for responding this way. It happened - you can say that you're sorry and that mommy shouldn't bite and neither should "baby". But, I caution the tendency to reationalize the response, because others read it, hear it, over and over again, that so-and-so did it, and then the behavior becomes acceptable. Like Dr. Phil says (pardon the speaker, but the words are true), when did you give yourself permission to act that way? Those rationalizations, give us (and others) the unconscious permission to respond in ways that we never would, given the time to think about it. I'm sure that we could get a really LONG thread going about our worst mistakes - we've all made them. But, lets offer the needed support here - not the wanted support - and toward that end, I will have to say that you were wrong to bite back. You're human, it's understandable, but you were wrong. Admitting that will help you never do it again. I cringe at all the times I was wrong, but having a good cry and hugging my kids tight, helped me see that being wrong sometimes, doesn't make me a bad mom. But admitting being wrong helps me continue to be a better mom. {{{HUGS}}}
"Only a life lived for others, is the life worthwhile" - Albert Einstein
ok listen ... i had a friend
ok listen ... i had a friend who has a biter ... our boys played together and did fine but one day ... her baby bit my baby, both were about 17 months, in the eye,teeth marks and all he couldnt even open it well after i got through my shock she saw it and grabbed her boy and bit the snot outta his arm and the bruise it left got his daddy mad mad. yes she bit him hard but what can she do ... wait till he says hi and bites some stranger at a store ... you do what u need to do ... this coddling and letting the kids always have a choice as to how long they keep you somewhere is just getting to me
no dont beat up ur kids but dont allow their behavior to stiffle u as a parent ... just cause something can work for a few perfect ppl out there, it aint gonna work for us all so relax and be the best parent u can be to your child and do what works for u .....my opinion
"dont pee on my leg and tell me its raining"
I have to agree with Katy
I have to agree with Katy here. Biting a child back is not a good idea.
This is directed towards skanoobie, not the OP.
What can she do? She can act like the adult she is and tell her son that biting is wrong. What does your friend do if he hits someone? Smack the (inappropriate term) out of him?
It's called parenting your child, it's what we do as mommies. We teach them right from wrong and what is and isn't acceptable in polite company. We don't teach them that if someone bites you then you can bite them back. Your friend isn't doing her son any favors by reacting to him by biting the snot out of him. All she's going to do is reinforce the idea that he can do anything he wants to someone else if they do it first, and that's NOT the way the world works. I have a feeling her son will end up with behavioral problems and if this type of "parenting" (and I use the term loosely) continues she can count on him being suspended or expelled from school quite often.
The best way to handle inappropriate behavior is to sternly stop the behavior, explain why it's not okay, then redirect them so they move on to doing something else.
"relax and be the best parent u can be to your child and do what works for u"
If this is the best parent she can be for her child then she shouldn't have had children until she was able to control her impulse reactions better.
It is better to be hated for what you are, than to be loved for what you are not.
relax and be the best parent
relax and be the best parent u can be to your child and do what works for u"
this must be bad advice cause everyone else knows better than the next do not bother to direct anything towards me i wanted to beat the kid myself
"dont pee on my leg and tell me its raining"
It is bad advice when it
It is bad advice when it involves abusing a child. And for your friend to have bit her child as hard as you described that I would definitely consider abuse.
As for knowing better, yeah I know better than to abuse a child. It's not that hard to figure out.
Your statement about wanting to beat the kid yourself tells a lot about your character and it's not something you should boast about.
In addition if you don't want anything directed at you, then don't post.
It is better to be hated for what you are, than to be loved for what you are not.
Both of those comments made
Both of those comments made me a little uneasy, too - I have seen many children misbehave and do things that were totally maddening - but I can honestly say I have never wanted to beat a child, my own or anyone else's. The story about the mom biting a 17 month old baby jard enough to leave a bruise is disturbing to say the least, and I would consider it to be abusive as well. It makes me wonder what goes on behind closed doors, if she was willing to do something so violent in front of others.
The OP asked for opinions about this, and she did indeed get that - and no one made what I would consider judgemental or disparaging comments - except for the overly defensive commentary from Skanoobie, who seems to think anyone who isn't on board with biting the "snot" out of a baby, and slapping or beating their children is cocky and considers themself to be a "perfect" mother...which is ridiculous. There is no such thing as a pefect mother - we all make mistakes - but we have recognize them, and strive to learn from them, and not keep repeating them because that's the easier thing to do.
The word, "judge"....that's
The word, "judge"....that's tricky. I think that we can judge (for lack of a better word) the action and not the person. I feel okay about giving an opinion that a particular action was wrong, simply because I judge myself to be wrong when I do a similar action. I've reacted angrily to my kids. And I know that I was wrong. But, I also know that I'm a good mom. I'll be perfectly honest here - I've dealt with some DARK times (my older son was diagnosed with OCD at age 6 and my younger son struggled with behavioral issues due to fatigue, caused by his adjustment to his anti seizure meds). I have had to learn how to deal with unusally challenging behavior without losing my cool. I failed many times. I was wrong, many times. By wrong, I mean that I resorted to actions that flew in the face of my parenting philosophies and beliefs. We can all understand the idea of "you gotta do what you gotta do" and I think that we should consider that idea when assessing any given interaction. But, at the same time, we can also admit that resorting to such tactics, is a breakdown of our resolve, our patience, our beliefs, for a moment. It isn't either / or. But, by really analyzing our actions and emotions that led up to that breakdown, we can be better prepared when put in that situation again. Unless we are going to adopt a philosophy that, "however I react is okay, because I'd had enough". Of course, this belief system won't hold up under scrutiny. So, if you deem that approach to be inappropriate across the board, then you have to apply it to an indivdual action as well. In this way, we can say that a particular action was wrong and compromized our standards. Except in the most extreme cases, if the others in the room, would be able to come up with a different reaction to the same circumstances, because they were in a different state of mind, then we can know intellectually, that there were other reactions possible and most likely preferrable. If I'm going to continue to expect that my children will not use physical force upon each other, no matter how much they feel that the other "deserved it and needed to know what it feels like", then I must model that expectation. We should be able to recognize that our actions were wrong - forgiveable - but wrong, and use that assessment of ourselves in the future.
"Only a life lived for others, is the life worthwhile" - Albert Einstein
I admire your courage to
I admire your courage to admit that on this site! LOL I remember hearing a friend say that she did that, and I was appaulled. However, when my 2 year old bit her brother, I put her in time out. When she bit me, time out, and bit Daddy, time out. Finally one day, after time out (when I was completely calm) I told her, "Biting hurts." I said, "This is how it feels", and I put my teeth on her finger a little bit. She cried, and I told her, "That's how baby brother feels when you bite him. We don't bite in our house. That's naughty." She did bite one other time after that but then she stopped. Am I positive I did the right thing? No. However, I don't think she's scarred for life and she did learn that she was hurting her brother by biting. But I was careful not to do it as a reaction. It was after we were calm and had a chance to talk about it. I guess I've learned not to be so quick to judge other moms!
Hobbymommy, 38, is a discussion leader from Mesa. She is a happy stay-at-home mommy to a 3-year-old daughter and a 2-year-old son.
thank you for ur honesty ppl
thank you for ur honesty ppl are so cocky here they all just know so much better
"dont pee on my leg and tell me its raining"
analytical, and
analytical, and striving...not cocky. And I will also teach my children to subject their behavior to the scrutiny of mind and heart as well....
"Only a life lived for others, is the life worthwhile" - Albert Einstein
I don't think you are awful
I don't think you are awful at all- you just allowed yourself to "react" instead of "act"-- You had heard that worked once, and so without really thinking about how it would affect you or your daughter you reacted- I think most of us have done something similar in some way shape or form, and then regretted it, LEARNED from it, and never did it again--
Personally I have been told by in-laws, and my own mom that this is the best way to deal with a biter- but I have never done it. When my kids hurt me, whether its biting or hitting, or whatever (I have two boys, so this is NOT infrequent :) I just cry- obviously I fake it and I just pretend to cry and cry- and it just DEVASTATES Them to have hurt Mommy enough to make her cry-- they have almost NEVER repeated whatever the offense was. This way I am "biting them back" emotionally- and allowing them to comfort me and "make it better" without hurting them in the process.
Kudos to you for recognizing that it made you uncomfortable...that right there alone (plus much more I am sure) puts you a LONG way from the britney class!!!!
"I just do the best I can, everyday..."
First of all, it sounds like
First of all, it sounds like you are tortured by your response to your daughter and quite reflective. I'm sure your daughter is feeling the same, "Mommy, why did you do that?"
Biting your leg was certainly inappropriate however, I would look at the real message that your daughter was trying to convey to you. Perhaps she was trying to get your attention or just test her teething skills. Its so difficult to know.
As a teacher of the littlest of learners (1-3) I cannot begin to tell you the challenges of 'detective work;" trying to assess behavior of a child who does not have words to express themselves. Usually the behavior is guided by impulse to get a particular need met or else boundary exploration - where I stop and you start.
I would NOT recommend biting a child back. This reinforces hurting others as a viable response to conflict. As the main role model in your child's life it is so important to take the time, not react and assess what your little girl was really trying to tell you.
I am not saying to dismiss the bite - only look for ways to give her firm guidelines using strong verbal commands, good eye contact (to make sure there is a mind, body, and soul connection), and removal from the situation. There is a built in consequence to this that goes beyond words because your little girl wants to be with you.
I say this because last year I had a child who was biting. She bit a boy rather hard and broke the skin. I immediately arranged a parent/teacher conference. This is a single Mom who broke down during the conference and told me that she had bitten her daughter after she had bitten her.
This mother apologized to her daughter (though the incident had happened months before), and explained to her that she thought she was doing the best thing and obviously had made a mistake. We put an action plan in place and modeled respectful assertive communication and gentleness only when touching another's body. The biting stopped.
Please don't feel bad. You are a good mother (no padded cell) and have asked for support from this forum and I respectfully offer mine.
Jan Katzen-Luchenta
Author - Nutrition for Learning:Feeding the Starving Brain - Foresight nutritional counselor- Montessori educator - www.nutritionforlearning.com
I agree.....you shouldn't
I agree.....you shouldn't bite your child.What is next, when your child says something hurtful to you...you will then say something hurtful back?
I am not judging you or the other mothers who have tried the biting back....being a parent is hard...and sometimes you react without thinking.
Maybe your child thought you were on the phone long enough....who knows like Miss Jan said trying to find reasons
why.....can leave you still guessing.
What is done is done. Don't
What is done is done. Don't beat yourself up. I don't think your child is scarred for life either. You learned you didn't like the way it made you feel. Bet you won't do that again. Thanks for sharing.
KarilouMomof2 is a discussion leader for arizonamoms.com living in Tempe. Her daughters are 9 and 6.
hey dont worry about how
hey dont worry about how anyone else tells you to take care of your kids...... you have to do what works not only for them but for you every child just like every parent is different.. just to let you know yes i have done the same thing to my kids and IT WORKS
This is an example of a
This is an example of a situation in which (see the other thread) it seems appropriate to me to spank.
One swat, and gently put the child in her bed or crib or playpen until she's done crying. You're doing her a favor by making it clear that there are some behaviors that are 100% not acceptable. At 2, it's biting. At 4, 6, 8, and 12, there will be others.
Part of the reason that children misbehave is that they are testing the boundaries. Show me a kid who doesn't have age-appropriate boundaries, and I'll show you a kid with low self-esteem, one who can't respect anyone else -- because s/he has little or no self-respect, and one who doesn't trust other people.
It's not fun to discipline children, but it's not supposed to make us feel good. When we get pulled over for speeding, we're not overjoyed to see the police officer or the ticket. Because we've been raised to understand that there are boundaries, however, most of us don't throw a tantrum, blame the officer, or refuse to accept the consequences; we know that it's in our best interest to accept that we made a bad choice, and that we're going to have to live with a fine, driving school, higher insurance rates, etc.
I have a nephew with a chronic illness. Because he has this health challenge, his mother, his grandmother, and adults at school have always been reluctant to discipline him. At age 12, he has no friends. He spends every afternoon after school at Grandma's house, where he gets waited on hand and foot. It wouldn't occur to him to help his Grandma out by taking out the trash, running the vaccuum, or washing dishes -- unless he expected to get paid for it. He says not only disrespectful but also hurtful things. He doesn't say, "please" and "thank you"; he issues orders. Like most of the grownups in his life, I do love him, but I can't stand to be around him. Wouldn't you agree that nobody's doing this kid any favors? Would you want people to see your kid in this light?
Of course not. Yes, looking a child being punished in the face is (or at least should be) enough to break our hearts. It's the hit we take to keep them safe, and their hearts from being broken. We have to let them be sorry for misbehaving. We have to let them associate making bad choices with discomfort. If we do that, then we also have the opportunity to teach forgiveness.
divaballerina, anybody who tells you that you reacted appropriately or inappropriately wasn't there. If there was a definitive manual for raising kids, we wouldn't need to talk about it, would we? The fact that you're reflecting on your choices is proof enough that you're a good Mom. Any parent, caregiver, or teacher who says s/he doesn't regret something s/he has done or said is a liar. This happened. Take what you learned from it, and let it go. Chances are good that your little angel is about to find the one permanent marker in the house and start drawing on the living room wall.
Just keep it in perspective. These are all great stories to share (much) later on. My Mom still enjoys the story about catching my sister and me trying to light matches in the bushes in the back yard. I guess she stood there and watched for quite awhile, given that the bushes were dripping from a recent rain, and the matches were wet. Darned if we didn't keep trying until after she'd stifled her giggles, pulled us out and swatted us, and then made us rake the yard. Of course, we ended up filthy, so we also had to take baths.
I can just imagine what a knee-jerk psycho-babblist would say about that, particularly because it involves kids getting naked in the end. We laugh about it. In time, you and your daughter will, too.
Its pretty sad to see some
Its pretty sad to see some moms here fighting about whos the better mom. People, adults, moms have to make decisions that sometimes we arent proud or happy about. But none the less, we have to make them.
I actually can understand the "biting back" reaction if the child has been known to bite others. countless times and you as the parent have depeleted all other options.
First time biters on the other hand deserve a warning atleast. But im not saying that your a bad mom for this, she wont be biting you again anytime soon. Let this be a lesson to both of you. She learns not to bite, and shes not going to love u any less because u bit her back. and you going to learn to think more clearly next time she does something like this. Take a step back, look at the situation then decide what to do instead of acting on "the ouch factor" alone.
We will always grow as parents as we face different situations. We make mistakes too. We have to learn from them.
Thanks for not thinking I'm
Thanks for not thinking I'm horrible b/c I did feel horrible.. I understand the rational behind biting them back but it didn't work for me. I didn't bite her hard at all but it was still something that shocked her and that's when she gave me that look. Maybe she did think I was on the phone to long and she was just trying to get my attention. We have a new baby so the attention that she is used to getting has been compromised for sure.
I hope I didn't start something one here for bringing this up. I just thought everyone on here has such great ideas for parenting their kids. I think it's really good to get advice from other moms. It's almost like I can take a little advice from each of you and put in place what works for me. I totally agree that all kids are different and different situations call for different types of punishment. If it calls for it I agree with a swat and a time out and a stern voice. I wouldn't ever beat my kids but I have jokingly said to a friend after she said my 11 yr old was so well behaved I replied with "well, I beat him" we all just laughed mainly b/c we knew it wasn't true. We are pretty silly at my house a lot of the time and I remember one neighbor brought her son over to ask my son to play (they were around 8 yrs old) She stood at the edge of my sidewalk and he knocked on the door. I answered and told him Joshua was busy and he asked doing what and I said "well, I locked him up until his homework was done and he can play after that". I said it joking and even said I was kidding. But the little boy got this look on his face
and his mom said "you can't talk to a child like that, he will think your serious"... I guess every household is run different b/c if someone said that to my son he would crack up and say "sure you locked him up" and smile. I know that doesn't have much to do with me biting my daughter (gosh, that sounds so bad)!! but it I guess shows how everyone is different the way they raise their children.
I know I won't be biting my daughter back again. So I am hoping that maybe I can remind her that it hurts if she does it again. I know for sure that it works but it just made me feel so bad. Maybe it's b/c it was my sweet little girl? My friend had done it to her son.. It worked too! So know that makes it seem like their is a double standard. But, maybe there is just a little bit?
I also know I am going to get the permanent marker that is in the kitchen draw and put it up higher! :) LOL....
We all need the advice on here from time to time and it's so healthy to be able to share stories and get different opinions for what we deal with day to day. We all judge and it's human nature. Really it is... I do. I try not to and I might say I don't but I do... I need to work on that. I need to work on lots of stuff!!! That's why I am so glad for ya'lls advice!!!
Elizabeth is a discussion leader for arizonamoms she writes about everything from her needing mommy advice to crazy and silly stuff that happens. She lives in the West Valley with her husband and 3 children.
I just wanted you to know I
I just wanted you to know I really liked your response.
We all make mistakes and none of us are perfect parents.
I don't agree with biting or spanking......and others disagree with me.And that is okay.
I hope you felt like you got some support here.
I also agree with humor...humor is a important parenting skill...and a wonderful tool to pass on to our children!
I understand the temptation
I understand the temptation to do that - my son was a biter once and now he slaps when he's having a tantrum. It's tempting to return light slaps, but then I think I'm setting the wrong example. I think time outs and other consequences are best.
Susie is a discussion leader in the east valley for arizonamoms.com. She has two sons, ages 7 and 3.
My son bit 2 kids at daycare
My son bit 2 kids at daycare when he was about 2 years old, but I didn't really feel that I could punish him because I wasn't there when it happened and I knew he didn't even remember what happened by the time he got home. At the same time I didn't want it to become a habit.
The next day he bit my finger and I told him no, you don't bite and how much it hurts. He turned his head to the side looked at me and bit me again...that time I bit him back, not hard and he hasn't bit anyone since.
I am on the other side. A
I am on the other side. A little boy at the sitter was biting my daughter weekly for awhile. When it's your kid that is getting bit, you want it to stop immediatly. And my first response was, bite him back. Then, the sitter told me on day 2 of biting that she bit him back (it's her own son), and my first response was, not hard enough because he bit her again 2 hours later, and left a mark. I have never had to deal with my own children biting, but would teach them not to by showing how bad it hurts when they do it to others. And yes, the biting has stopped at the sitters, thank goodness!
www.arizonamama.typepad.com
The situation is a very
The situation is a very common one. I am a grandmother of 13 with 3 sons being fruitful and multiplying. As frightening as it sounds, I have found thru years of experience, biting a child back after they bite is a surefire and quick cure to the problem. I know others don't agree, but I have tried numerous other remedies, and NONE OF THEM worked. Biting back DID WORK THE FIRST TIME, EVERY TIME! Believe me when I tell you, we tried talking to the child, isolating the child, making them stand in a corner, spanking, and GOD knows how many other ways to get the child to stop biting. Biting back is a sorrowful way of having to fix this, but IT WORKS. I didn't and don't like having to do it, and heaven help me I will never have to deal with it again, but if the situation arises, and a child bites me, you can bet your sweet bippy I will bite them back. My mother told me that when an infant bites your nipple during nursing, the best way to make them never do it again is to let out a very loud howl.......it scares the daylights out of the infant, but they don't ever do it again. You gotta do what you gotta do. Sometimes what you gotta do is very unpleasant. But it's for the best.
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