My 8-year old daughter is very bossy to my 6-year old stepdaughter and sometimes rude. I'm not too sure what to do. I've tried grounding, time outs, no play time. I've tried talking to her, asking her what is bothering her, why she is so mean to her stepsister, what would help her be nicer, etc. She just says she don't know. Perhaps counseling? Any suggestion on what to do? Beyond frustrated!
There is no way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a good one!
I have two things that work
I have two things that work with my son:
1. Having him feel empathetic. When he is in a situation where someone is mean or bossy to him, before I fix things or take him out of the situation, I ask him how it makes him feel. I then use that situation when he is being unkind to others so he can put himself in someone elses shoes.
2. If my oldest can't be nice to his siblings, I tell him that I can't trust that he will be kind to other people since I don't see him being kind at home. As soon as I know he will be nice to others (by showing me he can be nice to his brothers) then I'll let him play with friends.
These don't always work, but it's the best I've got.
Brooke Romney is an unbalanced mom of three young boys who constantly has too much to do, and too little time. She writes the Mom Beat column for The Gilbert Republic.
Get a tape recorder, and
Get a tape recorder, and record a few times when she's being mean or bossy. Then, record a few times when she is sweet and nice. Hold her while you play it back.
Tell her that it's okay to feel angry, even if you don't know what you're angry about, but it's not okay to be mean because you're angry -- especially to a "little kid". Then give her a positive way to work out anger and/or frustration. Those blow up dolls that you can punch, but that come back up for more, are good.
Does she have contact with a stepmother? With any person-in-charge who is mean and/or bossy? Maybe she thinks that that's how to be a big sister. Personally, I tried that big sister strategy a couple of times when I was about that age, but my "little" sister's only 14 months younger, and she was as big for her age as I was small for mine, so all I got for my efforts was a fat lip (and no sympathy from Mom).
My oldest is CONSTANTLY
My oldest is CONSTANTLY bossy and beligerent to his younger siblings. We have tried telling him 'parenting is OUR job,' and 'it's not up to YOU to tell them what to do,' etc. Nothing has worked!
I think it might just be an 'oldest kid' thing, because my sister did the same thing to me and my little brother. Eventually, we learned to 'bait' her just to get her angry. I keep telling my oldest that every time he's bossy with his siblings, they are laughing at him because he's basically 'putting on a show' that they find entertaining.
Lately whenever we overhear him telling them not to do something or that they can't have this or that, my husband and I jump in and say to the little ones, "it's ok! Do (whatever --- as long as it's permissable) or have whatever! Your brother is NOT the boss!" Then we tell the little guys it's their turn to give HIM an order to follow! He hates this, of course, and it has cut down on the bossy incidents somewhat.
Two little sisters, 14
Two little sisters, 14 months apart. "Big brother" about 4-5 years older. Big brother wants to be in charge, big brother gets responsibility. As in, take your sister to the bathroom. Walk your sisters to school. Wait for your sisters after school and walk them home. After you finish your homework, help your sisters with their homework before you go out to play. Only go out on your bike if you're taking your sisters out on their bikes.
It doesn't take very long before being the "big brother" or "big sister" feels like being an unpaid baby sitter, and the older kid is happy to drop it.
Except for the Charlie factor (my big brother). Cripes, he was a senior when I was a freshman. Let's just say that the chances of me getting invited to do anything fun were fat, slim, and none; sister in 8th grade was packing his bags to take off to CA before she had to go to high school.
I think it's an oldest
I think it's an oldest thing. Mine is that way too. I just have to remind him that I'm the parent and I'll handle it and for him to refocus on what he was doing beforehand. If he's being mean or degrading, I have him sit in his room, even if it's homework time, and think about the way he was behaving, then I talk with him before he can come out. It's just a sibling thing too. There's always the agressor (that would be my middle brother). We love each other to death, but man, he was a pain when I was growing up. That's the sibling thing. Just be sure it doesn't get out of hand or go overboard. She may even be jelous of the step-sister and feeling like she's invading on her space/time/parents.
Thanksfor all the good
Thanksfor all the good advice. I will try and try again. Thanks!
There is no way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a good one!
I agree, it is an older
I agree, it is an older thing, my 20 year old had such a control over my 17 year old, when he moved out, the 17 year old matured soooo much it was amazing. He could spread his wings and be his own person. He has done PRETTY good not bossing around his 10 & 8 year old siblings, but you still see some of that "I'm the oldest and I know it all" attitude at times AND then you have my 10 year old who is totally in charge of the 8 year old. I am interested in seeing everyone's advice so I can try to deal with the 10 year old!