I have an 11 year old boy who I am at my wits end with. He is very into video games and if I don't set time limits he would sit all day and do nothing else. He is failing classes at school because he is not doing the work. He is very smart he just won't turn things in and seems to always get moved by himself in class because he is distracting other kids. This isn't new (the failing is but not the getting in trouble in class.) When I punish him I usually take away the video games, because that seems to be the only thing he cares about, he will literally throw himself on the floor in a tantrum or get very angry and kick things, hit the wall, etc. I just don't know what to do with him. He is very disrespectful to me and his teachers and doesn't seem to care if he gets in trouble or not. I just want him to be the helpful, caring boy that I see him being, sometimes! He seems like he is always mad about something but always says nothing is wrong. Any suggestions? I am open to anything.
Sounds like there is a lot
Sounds like there is a lot more going on than just video games. Have you tried talking to his pediatrician, or a counselor? Even start with a school counselor. He should have an evaluation to determine what is making him sad, angry and disruptive.
Susan & Neil Hampton have three spectacular children, Alexander, Isabel and David, plus one amazing teenager, Eric. Susan does community outreach for arizonamoms.com.
“In the spring, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt.” - Margaret Atwood
It's an addiction like any
It's an addiction like any other --- we went through it with our 12 year old. The definition of 'addiction' is something you can not function without and that you chronically neglect your responsibilities to indulge in. That is exactly what was happening with our son --- he was neglecting school work to focus on Xbox.
Like addiction, it also often cuts you off from normal social activities and friends, and with my son, none of his buddies wanted to come over any more because they didn't want to hang out in the basement all day playing video games.
We went 'cold turkey' --- taking away the Xbox for a few months. Then, we told our son he could try again, but on OUR schedule. The first week, he was allowed to play on Saturdays only for 2 hours. And he HAD to keep his grades up. Then we gradually increased it to 4 hours on Saturday and 4 more on Sunday. The rest of the time he had to engage in activities with the family, his friends, outdoor recreation, etc.
There were LOTS of angry words and difficult moments, but in the end it's been worth it. He is now a 'recovering' Xbox junkie and I'm sure the temptation to go 'all in' is still there, but for now we're managing.
Is there any chance he has
Is there any chance he has started going through puberty?
I grew up with all sisters, so when our oldest son started the initial stages of puberty, it was like an alien had taken over his body! He was like that for about 1 1/2 years. He would do the same "zoning" thing with video games. He also did things at school, creating disruptions in the classroom, too. (This is when he was in 5th grade...)
We are now to the fast-track puberty chapter in his life and wow...whole new territory. Moodiness coupled with insatiable candy cravings! And, oh yeah, that whole "hormone" aroma. Phew!
Mouse_tales is a discussion leader in the East Valley for arizonamoms.com. She is a business owner, community volunteer, and aspiring runner (whew!), who most enjoys her roles as wife & mom. Her children range in age from 4 to 13.
I too, have an 11-year old
I too, have an 11-year old and have been having similar issues with him so I can relate to what you're going through.
It sounds like he's unhappy & is escaping in his video game playing. Are you able to talk to him & find out what might be causing all of this? Have you thought about working with the school counselor? It sounds like finding the root of his unhappiness is the first step in determining a solution.
Next, I'd look at the video game playing as an earned privilege, rather than something taken away for bad behavior, poor grades, etc. Come up with a written list (ie, he is responsible for 1 hour of homework, has to do his chores, and have good behavior to play 20 minutes after dinner). Go over the list with him & make sure he understands his responsibilities. I'd also try to get him interested in an extracurricular activity. This would give him something else that might build up his self esteem and would open up new peer relationships.
Finally, I think a part of this (at least with my son) is related to entering puberty. Their bodies are going through so many changes and they're extremely impulsive - they can't seem to control themselves sometimes. My son has been talking back & I've realized the worst thing is to yell back (my first response). So, the last time he had a little outburst I calmly sent him to his room. After 10 minutes (and he was calmer) I called him out to talk. He started to cry and said "I don't know what's wrong with me mom, I just get so mad sometimes."
There's a couple of books that I'd strongly recommend that have helped me. Check out two books by Michael Gurian: "The Wonder of Boys" and "The Minds of Boys". Good luck.
Lattemom is the mother of three energetic kids ages 6, 8 & 11 and a discussion leader for arizonamoms.com.
Can I first say that this
Can I first say that this website is awsome. My Aunt first told me about it and I have found it helpful on many levels.
It is nice to know that I am not the only one! I grew up with all girls, sisters, cousins, so this boy thing is the unknown. Puberty had crossed my mind and he has his 12 year checkup coming so that was my first question. I know how girls can be and if boys are as bad, I am in trouble. I will definately check out the books. Thanks.
I would suggest some sort of
I would suggest some sort of intervention now, possibly a counselor. My brother started this behaivor when he was 10 years old and I hate to say it, but the anger, frustration, violence never really stopped until about 2 or 3 years ago and he's now almost 40. Of course I'm not saying this will be the case with your son, I'm just saying it can happen so intervention early on might help ward it off. I would definitely speak with your pediatrician on what the right path to go down regarding this will be. I'm sure they can recommend some great counselors. Also, what about contacting the school psychologist or guidance counselor regarding his behavior and school work habits, they should be able to intervene and provide some assistance in that area.
I agree with the other posts
I agree with the other posts about seeking professional guidance from your doctor or a school counselor. I think the games are an escape for him - 11 year olds shouldn't be throwing tantrums and I think it shows the imporance of this escape.
Susie is a discussion leader in the east valley for arizonamoms.com. She has two sons, ages 6 and 2.
Sounds like he doesn't know
Sounds like he doesn't know how to verbalize his frustrations. Needs to see a counselor, and do it before it's too late. My brother had the same problem. He was labeled ADD & ODD oppositional defiance disorder. Not a good combination. He had a rough life growing up too with his dad. Counseling.
Lisa - Mom to her spunky little Scarlette
Where is his father in all
Where is his father in all this? Is he involved in his life?
I agree with the other moms
I agree with the other moms on seeking some help. Also, maybe get him in some sport he may like so he can get out frustrations that way.That will also take sometime away from the games.
I also agree with the other mom who said don't use taking game time away as a punishment...but make it game time be earned.
Good luck!
I've had major issues with
I've had major issues with my older boys (now 20 & 17) with video games. What I did is there are NO video games unless they earn time. I made these dumb little tickets on excel (color coded for each boy and password protected so they couldn't print off extras). They'd earn these 10 min tickets for doing chores, finishing homework, extra good attitude, etc. The only way they'd lose time earned was if they would refuse to do something (like if I had to physically watch them clean their room because they'd goof off as soon as I left or I even took away for argue-time about doing something, I started my stopwatch and took away time earned one-for-one because they were now choosing to waste MY time. Pretty much unless it was a special occasion, video games and tv were not used during the week (I worked full time so after daycare, there was barely time for showers/homework/dinner) anyway. AND if they were in the middle of attitude on the weekend (temper tantrums over something, talking back, etc.) they could not trade their time in for gameplay, they wouldn't lose it, they just couldn't use it unless they had a decent attitude. Yes, I believe the attitude problem is a cry for help, there are other issues going on also. If you are a single working mom, I'm sure he could use more attention like my kids needed. It is a lot of work, follow through, consistancy, etc.
And . . . I do believe if
And . . . I do believe if you get a good counselor, they can do wonders, but having spent years finding a good one, it gets real old retelling your story to find the counselor knows less than you do. Do research, post to sites like this, go to the teachers to ask for weekly progress reports or emails, listen to all advice . . . pick and choose and use what makes sense to you and your child's personality.