Rude Toddler

Hey, Destry, it sounds like you're doing the right things already, making sure that he knows that it's not OK to be rude. You may want to also try preparing him for visits and practicing what he'll do when people arrive, whether adults or kids. I don't think kids should have to hug unless they want to, but he should have to say hello nicely. Do a little role playing. After the initial hellos, get the kids busy with an activity they can do together and, in the case of adults, you may want to divert them with an offer of food or drink to take the attention from your son until he warms up. It sounds like he just needs a little time to adjust to the new arrivals.

Karina Bland is raising her 9-year-old son in Tempe with a lot of love, humor and support from her friends and family. A longtime journalist covering child welfare and education issues for The Arizona Republic, she blogs about raising good kids.

I would not worry about this behavior as a toddler, especially if it only lasts for a few minutes. He will likely outgrow the behavior on his own as he matures. If you make an "issue" out of it he will quickly learn to manipulate you with it. Just ignore it. It is his way of dealing with stranger anxiety. I would encourage guests to let him approach first.

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I'm sorry....when I read this post I had to laugh, because I pictured this cute little toddler mad-dogging people and telling them to get away......I have this photo that was sent to me as a joke a long time ago called "soccer kid" and it is a cute little blond boy giving "the bird" and making this angry face.....I think he was a disgruntled soccer fan, and that's what I pictured. (Yes, I know it's immature and in poor taste but the picture is hilarious)
I know this is no laughing matter...... I would not worry about it too much, though. As the other moms said, you are on the right track......he just needs a little time to warm up to people. I think the suggestion to have the adults say hello and then casually go on about their business is great, it takes the spotlight off of the boy. I am sure he'll grow out of it.... I am not offended by things like that from such a small child because they are just learning how to behave......when they are a little older like eight or nine and should know better, it's a different story.

I also like what you are already doing. I feel like kids need a good 20 minutes of playing not that great before things start to go smoothly. So, sometimes it just takes a little patience.
One thing that works for me is I make up stories about kitties or puppies who do things I don't like and tell it to my toddler. We talk about how things make the other kitties feel etc. It seems to work a lot of the time, then in the situation, I'll say, remember how your kitty felt when her friends did that to her...

Brooke Romney is an unbalanced mom of three young boys who constantly has too much to do, and too little time. She writes the Mom Beat column for The Gilbert Republic.

Do you suppose that any of this has to do with the new baby? Your older boy could still be miffed.

I'm conjuring up Look Who's Talking.

Enter a second toddler. Your guy's thinking, "Well, terrific. Now I have to share my toys with him, too. Look! He's drooling all over my See-And-Say. Dude, you don't put nerf balls in your mouth."

Enter sisters. "Ah, Gee. Just when everybody is paying attention to me, they have to come in and wreck it. Puhleeze, Mom, enough about lactating. There's a guy in here!"

My Mom struggled with this (my brother was just 4 when I was born, and my sister is just 14 months younger). What she did was make having company a cool thing, and she did it with good old-fashioned bribery (of a sort). She'd bring out something special to eat and/or drink. On occasion, she'd pull out a new (inexpensive) toy that she'd stashed away, saying, "I knew that Carol was coming over, and I thought you girls would enjoy playing with these jumpropes." Boy, did I like my cousin Carol.

When we went visiting, we often brought something to share. Not only did we come to associate having company with "Hey, I might get chocolate milk", we learned some of the basics of hospitality and being a gracious guest.

You're definitely on the right track with modeling appropriate behavior. Just keep being enthusiastic in greeting guests (especially family, since it's pretty easy to fall into the, "Oh, Hi" thing with siblings).

This, too, will pass. Then, something else will come along. Don't worry. Most of it will be over in the next twenty years or so.

My niece was like this and she grew out of it. She could give you looks that would cut right through you. I had never seen a little girl give looks like that. It was a stage she went through. It's like they are protecting their territory and when the don't feel threatened anymore then they soften up and play nice..

Elizabeth is a discussion leader for arizonamoms she writes about everything from her needing mommy advice to crazy and silly stuff that happens. She lives in the West Valley with her husband and 3 children.

Hello Destry,

Your little guy is entitled to warm up to someone at his own pace. His boundary setting ( dirty looks and "get away" words) just need a bit of refinement.

He could express this need by saying something like, "I need space," or 'No thank-you."

If he speaks to someone in disrespectful terms, I would encourage the offended person or child to let your son know that their feelings are hurt. Acknowledge and emphasize that to your son. Then you could say something like, " let's tell (person's name) how you feel in a kinder way."

Then you can give him the less offending words of self-assertion.

Jan katzen-Luchenta AMI CFP
www.nutritionforlearning.com
www.iluminahealing.com

Jan Katzen-Luchenta
Author - Nutrition for Learning:Feeding the Starving Brain - Foresight nutritional counselor- Montessori educator - www.nutritionforlearning.com

Some kids are more prone to anxiety and it sounds like your son is one of them. He is probably slow to warm up because changes, even tiny ones, are physically uncomfortable for him. Meeting new people, even seeing familiar people, that weren't part of the earlier action, is difficult. You can't "disicpline" this out of him. He needs EXTRA compassion. He needs DETAILED explanations of what to expect and how he should respond.

ex: "Johhny? Mommy needs to talk to you. Aunt Wendy is going to come over to visit. Do you remember Aunt Wendy? She has long blond hair. She will say hi to you when she arrives. She may be wearing perfume. She may be wearing loud shoes with heals. It's okay not to talk to her right away. Would you like to sit with me while I talk to her? Or would you like me to set up your action figures to play with while she is here? Would you like to sit close to mommy when she arrives? Or would you like to be in the other room? etc."

Explain to Aunt Wendy that Johnny needs time to reorganize the scene in his mind and that he'll need a few minutes before he's comfortable interracting.

Too many adults invade little kids' spaces when they arrive. Some kids can handle this, others can't. Even if the visitor doesn't invade space, there are subtle expectations put upon the child to be "social" or "polite". I'm not suggesting that you give up on that expectation, but you can still teach these skills s-l-o-w-l-y. Some kids may take years to get down, what others master in months. If your child is having trouble, set him up for success, by giving every opportunity for him to adjust in his own way and timeframe. Anything else, heightens his anxiety and reduces the chances that he'll succeed (and of course, raise your frustration level).

Boys are notorious for being slow to adapt. Kids do well if they can. If your son is "rude" (despite being taught...i.e. scolded), then he's probably lacking the ABILITY to respond in the ways that you expect. He probably KNOWS what you expect, all too well, but he simply can't do it yet.

I've got a VERY bright, curious, analytical, anxiety riddled, 8 yr old. I've been there! Unfortunately, those gifted traits come with a giftedness in self awareness that produces a lot of anxiety. You can't speed this up, but you can avoid the mistakes that we made, by not trying to "discipline" his temperment. You need to play defense for him.

"Only a life lived for others, is the life worthwhile" - Albert Einstein