Hi All....
Yesterday, while my husband, two of our little kids, his oldest kids, and I were at the community pool, my 18 mos old toddler decided to take a little trip to the hot tub. My stepdaughter (age 13 going 14 in July) was in the hot tub. While I tried to tell her to keep my little girl out of the hot tub (I was trying to get out of the pool as fast as I could), she started to tell me that my little baby won't get burned....naturally I got a bit pi$$y but kept my cool. I repeatedly told her to keep the baby away from the hot tub and she kept arguing with me. I couldn't believe it, ya know. Her dad stepped in and told her to knock it off and respect what I say when it comes to MY children. Finally my little baby went back to the pool while I was swimming toward the steps to get her. I explained to my stepdaughter that my little baby's body cannot cool her body temperature like we could in hot tubs therefore she could boil herself to serious injury to death and she just looked at me like I was nuts or something....
It was very hard to keep my cool and I did it so but my gosh, I wanted to go off and yell at her to get my point across that I am the MOTHER, NOT HER. This is not the first time but it is getting worse....Her father and mother are currently at a custody battle at this point. I plan on converting my energy to the kids' lawyer and let her know that her mother really needs to start respecting me and let her daughter know that she cannot tell or argue with me when it comes to my children. We just can't do it now because she will start a war with her father on the phone so best to deal with it through the lawyer....
It just really makes me mad, ya know, for her to be this way and I can't do anything about it without court intervention....
Her father did have a very long discussion with her and his son to stop it not just because of the hot tub incident but because I just can NOT trust these two kids around my kids....We gave them a chance to watch after my kids for an hour only to come back and see our bedroom literally torn apart. I didn't want to do it but my hubby thought to give it a chance because they begged to babysit (after he had a discussion with them before this and obviously it failed)....
H~
H~
Mom of 2 Daughters - Kelly (3 yrs) and Skylar (19 mos old)
zoostationu2@hotmail.com
I am not in your shoes, and
I am not in your shoes, and cannot imagine how hard those dynamics are to deal with. The one thing I noticed in your post was the use of "MY children" and "my little baby". Perhaps it might help the situation to watch how you phrase things. Use "your baby sister" or "our family". It feels a bit like you're not including them in your family, just by the words you choose. This might be sending your step-kids the wrong message.
Again, I'm not trying to judge, but just am pointing out something you might not have even noticed.
I'm sure there are others that have words of wisdom in dealing with blended families. Good luck and hang in there.
GopherGirl is a discussion follower. She lives in the West Valley with her husband and two boys, ages 4 and 2.
Hi - Yes, I understand where
Hi -
Yes, I understand where you are coming from and in the past I have thought of other ways to say to make them feel included however in reality, I am the mother of these two children and she needs to understand that she is not the mother of these two children and she should not be making decisions for me. She used to spank my oldest daughter without my consent and I had to tell her that she needs to come to me if her little sister acts up and I will do the disciplining, not her. That is where I am coming from.
Does that make sense? I am in no way to exclude them from the family part.
H~
Mom of 2 Daughters - Kelly (3 yrs) and Skylar (19 mos old)
zoostationu2@hotmail.com
Thanks for clarifying - I do
Thanks for clarifying - I do think I understand now why you're making the distinction. I have to do this, certainly to a lesser and different degree, when my 4 year old tries to be the boss of the 2 year old. And it may be different, but I think if I told the 4-year-old that he couldn't tell "my child" what to do, that would make him feel like less of my child, if that makes sense. I guess I would say to make sure you wouldn't say it any differently if you were dealing with one of your biological kids and their treatment of the other biological kid. Perhaps it should be more like "Do what I say because I'm the mother" (off all of the kids, step-daughter included), and less like "Do what I say because I'm the baby's mother". Your primary authority over the step-daughter should be as her parent (whether it's step- or not), not as the baby's parent defending the baby against the step-daughter.
Does that make any sense? I'll defer to people with real-life experience. Just know that I appreciate how hard this must be.
GopherGirl is a discussion follower. She lives in the West Valley with her husband and two boys, ages 4 and 2.
The thing is - when it comes
The thing is - when it comes to discipline...whenever the stepchild does something that needs to be addressed, the stepchild's biological parents will have to do the disciplining, does not necessarily involve stepparents. This was a real challagne in custody court when the biological mom asked the court to let the biological father know that she does not want the step mother (me) to discipline their biological children and the court granted it especially after the fact that everything I own, including my own house, I have to go tell their father to tell them not to do it or whatever I find unacceptable like throwing pillows across the room knocking one of the lamps down. This is the stepchildren's biological mother's wish. The stepkids are aware of this. At the same time, I find it incredible that they think that they can discipline my biological children - I am the one who birthed these 2 children or allow my biological children to do things that could be dangerous to them and they don't care where I stand....Even their biological mom doesn't care.
That is the root of the problem here...
H~
Mom of 2 Daughters - Kelly (3 yrs) and Skylar (19 mos old)
zoostationu2@hotmail.com
I think this is probably
I think this is probably only the beginning. I have four kids- 3 over 18 and one 14 yr. old. Teenage years are the worse. All I can say is if you and your husband really love eachother, everything will have a way of working out. And using "our" instead of "my" is a very good idea.
Paz
I am a step mom and we do
I am a step mom and we do not use those words "my" "your" children. They are our children. It is very frustrating dealing with children that we did not raise, but we can not sink to their level. I am greatful that the baby did not get into the hot tub. I am glad your husband talked to her about that as well. Perhaps stern reinforcements, consequences, etc would work. As for the comments to the lawyer, hopefully your husband will address those as it is between him and his ex wife/partner. Good luck
There is no way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a good one!
My heart goes out to you! I
My heart goes out to you! I too am divorced and I know how amazingly crazy things can get.
I know your situation is complicated, but my opinion is simple:
As it relates to her biological mother: Choose the hills you want to die on on carefully.
As it relates to her behaviour under your supervision: Get in agreement with her dad about appropriate consequences for her actions and implement them toot-sweet.
As it relates to the rest: Forget it - the only thing you can control is you.
Once these battles start ...
Once these battles start ... I feel for you. What worked for my stepdaughter is that the two of us finally said, "If one of usks asks you to do something, you can either do it or you can accept the consequences. We won't argue about it, especially in public. If you don't like it, then we can sit down later and talk about it."
I agree that your stepdaughter's behavior is unacceptable; it sounds as if she might be trying to jockey for position in the family -- which is understandable.
What might be helpful (and save you some headaches) is to work with your husband to come up with a simple set of "family rules". For example, one rule is that there are two parents who make the rules. The older children have more responsibilities, so they get more privileges. Agree ahead of time on the consequences.
If she's in the hot tub and can't -- or won't -- help keep her sister safe, then she can get out of the hot tub.
If she's getting ready to leave the house in an unacceptable outfit, she can change; if she causes a fuss, the outfit goes into your closet.
Don't threaten consquences, just apply them.
In the beginning, your husband may have to actively support you, but, if you play your cards right, she'll figure out that the two of you agree.
Good luck.