I'm wondering what your take on this would be .... I have a friend that had a baby about 5 months ago or so ... of course she's been super busy since having the baby so we don't see each other as much as we used to .. understandably so. I've seen her a few times since she had the baby, all at her house when I've stopped by to visit and to see her and the baby ... well we made plans to get together for lunch this weekend and when deciding where we were going to go I suggested a place that was casual, more upbeat, and of course kid friendly. When I told her why I'd suggested the place (kid friendly) I did she said that she wouldn't be bringing the baby. Well earlier in the week when I'd asked her if she wanted to get together I had specifically mentioned that my daughter and I were really excited to see her & the baby. My daughter loves babies and she always gets excited when she knows we're going to visit her and the baby, she mentioned nothing about not bringing the baby earlier in the week when making plans. When I asked her why she wasn't bringing the baby she said that there was nothing that the baby would get out of coming and that basically she didn't want to subject other patrons to any fussiness should the baby get fussy. I told her I didn't realize she hadn't brought her to a restaurant before and to that she replied that she's never brought her any where other than the daycare provider and to the drug store once which she was fussy there. I tried to nicely tell her that babies fuss and will get fussy at home or out and that's all part of being a baby and I didn't realize why she would not take the baby out just because of the fussiness. Well needless to say we're getting together to visit at her house, which is fine with me ..... but it's nice to get out and do different things now and then, i.e. go to the park, get lunch, etc.
I didn't say too much more because I know everyone has different parenting styles and I didn't want to come across too overbearing or like I was trying to dictate how she should parent, because I don't want to. I just find it strange that the baby is nearly 5 months old and she doesn't ever bring the baby out. I did suggest that after going out and about and seeing different things it might actually be stimulating for the baby to see and experience different things and different atmospheres and may actually not be fussy at all, contrary to what she thinks.
What are your thoughts?
I think you did the right
I think you did the right thing by not saying anything to her. She is obviously not comfortable talking about the reason she didnt want to bring the baby. I think she is worried that people may think she is not a good parent because her baby is fussy. I know I thought the same thing the first ti my son cried while we were in public and your right all babies are fussy!! You might just have to continue to visit with her at home and reassuring her that her baby isnt the only fussy baby. I have a 3 month old and I find what works for me is timing everything out. From going to the grocery store to talking a walk I have to time it out. You might suggest that. I hope that helps.
Your friend might also have
Your friend might also have wanted a break from a potentially fussy baby --- and maybe going out to a restaurant without the baby would offer her some quality time to focus on you and your daughter. She might have thought that bringing the baby with her would make her nervous and distracted (about 'what if the baby starts being fussy --- should I get up and leave,' etc) and the stress would interfer with her being able to truly enjoy a nice dinner out with a friend.
I agree you did the right thing by not addressing it directly with her --- first time moms often feel assailed by 'advice' from in-laws, friends, complete strangers, etc. And now matter how nicely it is intended, many moms feel they are being criticized or "told what to do." Maybe next time you're at her house, you can suggest going on a walk together with the baby. Then add a stop in the park, a side-trip to a nearby store, etc. You'll both enjoy the time together, she'll gradually start doing more 'public appearances' with the baby, and she won't feel like she's being schooled in how to handle her child. Your daughter would probably enjoy the 'evolving trips' too, so that's a nice bonus!
With my first baby I was
With my first baby I was exactly like your friend. I was afraid the baby would cry or fuss and I would look like a bad mom. Of course, by the second baby I was a lot more relaxed and more sure of what I was doing. I agree that she probably just wants a break too and would like to go out with you without the baby.
I can sympathize with your
I can sympathize with your friend. Although my baby is by no means fussy, sometimes it's just overwhelming.
For me, when I'm trying to visit with someone, I feel as though I'm never really focused on the conversation at hand because of the attention I need to give to my son.
I'm sure this is just something that takes practice...the more I'm exposed to the "overstimulation", the more practice my "mommy brain" will get. Eventually I'll be able to tune out the peripherals and run on autopilot in order to absorb the adult conversation!
I'm not sure why your friend hasn't brought the baby anywhere yet. Do you see any signs of PPD? I hope little by little she'll start to get out and about, but until she's more comfortable with it, I suggest you just continue visits to the house and not make her feel judged.
I'm like you. I am a pretty
I'm like you. I am a pretty relaxed mommy and I never worried about taking my babies with me everywhere. My husband was the one who got nervous about it! He soon realized that the kids did just fine, but he had to go out with them a few times. Hopefully your friend will feel more comfortable soon. It was nice of you to let it go.
Hobbymommy, 38, is a discussion leader from Mesa. She is a happy stay-at-home mommy to a 3-year-old daughter and a 1-year-old son.
I've noticed that some
I've noticed that some people are just a lot more protective of thier babies, but given the baby's age and the answers she provided it seems like she just has different preferences than you.
To this day, I avoid taking my daughter to restaurants at all costs. I'll take her anywhere but the grocery store or a restaurant because any time I have, it has proven to be so stressful for me that I would just rather not go.
But I do see your concern - when we was a baby I made it a point to go to parks and places where there were other children - eventhough she was too young to walk or play - just so she could observe the other children playing.
I do think you were correct
I do think you were correct in not saying your feelings directly to her. I don't know how old your daughter is, but it might be good to share some stories of experiences you had when taking your daughter places when she was little, both good and bad, in a casual yet not preachy manner.
I know that with my first child, it was very difficult to manage it all when taking her places. We did not go anywhere for the first two months, a big part of that had to do with the winter weather we were experiencing where we lived at the time, but part of it also had to do with being a bit overprotective.
It is amazing how different we were when approaching our third child's first couple months. We had no choice, he had to go everywhere and he thrived.
Just be supportive of your friend and most of all give sage advice when asked, and give her the reassurance that everyone experiences the stresses of a fussy baby at one time or another.
June --- that's so funny
June --- that's so funny that you should say that about yor third child! I was thinking the same thing --- when I had my first son, I seemed to be the 'fussy' one who worried over everything! By the time my third little guy arrived, I would just sling him over my shoulder and off we'd go.
Now as teens and pre-teens, my oldest is a bit aloof and gets rattled easily, but my youngest just 'rolls' with whatever happens, and is very affable and outgoing. I just hope my 'sheltering' #1 too much didn't do too much damage, but hey, being a mom is the ultimate "on the job training!"
I completely agree with
I completely agree with MiriamVS. I would visit her at her house, then ask to take a walk "before it gets too hot" and the baby could go in the stroller, you two could have adult talk and your daughter could ride her bike or a scooter! That would be fun. Or even walk to a nearby park for a picnic. Eventually she will hopefully get the baby out of the house.
There is no way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a good one!