My apartment lease ends at the of this month. My husband and I have been looking for a better apartment that we can live in for quite some time without having to move again when the lease is over. I am currently the only one working full time and he brings around $300 a month! So needless to say we have a strict budget and we can only afford a max of $850 for rent. We found these really cute apartments for $840, it is right by where we currently live and we both loved the complex. I told him it was necessary for him to find a full time job or get into the military like he always wanted to do because I can not and will not have him stay at home anymore. He lost his job last November and since then he has not had a job besides his small part time job which is basically nothing at all. I have been trying to be an understanding wife but not having a job for over 6 months is too much and it frustrates me so much!! We never have extra money to spend and everytime I get home his playing his damn X-Box. It's not as if I get home and dinner is ready and he has the house clean. I have to get home clean the house, make dinner, not to mention having to take care of my 7month old daughter and go to school. (Sorry I'm loosing track of what I'm trying to say). So my husband does not want to put our daughter in daycare and my mom can't watch her anymore. If we are both working we would need to put her in a daycare for sure. He thinks it will be fine if he just gets a job in the evening but then that means we will not be able to spend anytime together during the week. One of my friends, Shawna, is also moving out by the end of the month and will be having a baby soon. She said once she has the baby she will not be returning to work, and if I wanted to she could watch my daughter. She will be moving to Chandler and I am currently in Paradise Valley and I work in Tempe. The only way for her to be able to watch her without wasting so much gas would be for us to move to her apartment complex which is really nice and is only $835 a month. I though this was a great idea but when I told my husband he did not want to because we would be moving even further away from his parents. I told him it wasn't only gonna be his parents but my parents as well and the first thing we should be thinking about should be the well being of our daughter and who will be taking care of her while we are both at work. He refused to even here the cons and pros about my plan. I really don't like his parents for MANY reasons but one of them is because they always wine about not seeing their grand-daughter enough, but then again they don't take the time to go visit us, they just expect us to go their place. It's not fair! And I am not gonna be basing my decision on his family. We need more money, he needs to get a full time job, and we need someone to take care of our daughter. This new place will solve all of our problems, I just don't know why he doesn't get it and try to understand the situation we are in! Help!!
**Mommy Lopez**
Hi Mommy Lopez, Wow, you
Hi Mommy Lopez,
Wow, you have a lot of different issues going on, but let's tackle the one that hits home first: your husband isn't pulling his weight. He can and should get out there and find a decent full time job. No excuses. The decision of day care, where and which apartment to live in would be much easier once you have two full time salaries.
This thought concerns me : "This new place will solve all of our problems." Please don't move into a new place thinking this. It won't. Your problems will go with you. Friends move away. In-laws are still your in-laws. Deal with the most critical issue in your household right now which is a lack of financial resources. Can you get your mom to give you one more month of child care? Can you get a month-to-month extension on your current lease? I would try to stay put until he gets employed and not make any changes until that is settled, then figure out the rest.
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I am going to have to 2nd
I am going to have to 2nd that comment. Moving to another place will not solve your problems. There are other childcare facilities available around the city. I am not disagreeing that your child's well being isn't important but your hubby needs to start finding a job to help you out finacially. I also understand your concern regarding him working at nights and you not being able to spend quality time together, but there are some sacrifies that are going to have to be made. I was in the same situation where my hubby had to work nights and it was hard at first but we were able to adjust. Now that he has been in his position for a couple years now his schedule has changed to meet that of spending family time together. Hang tight and ride out the storm. Best of Luck!
I'm going to agree with
I'm going to agree with Susan as well. The new place won't solve all of your problems. What if watching your baby gets to be too much for your friend after she has hers??
I was in a similar situation with my husband before I got pregnant (except the issue was Playstation not Xbox!! ha!). He had gotten laid off and decided it was "vacation time", while I went out and worked. I would come home and be sick to my stomach to see the laundry piled up and dishes in the sink, while we (ME!) were struggling to pay the bills! Needless to say, today I am the one at home with the baby, and he's out busting his butt. I little motivation in the form of a good job/paycheck helps a ton!!
I think everything will fall into place once he gets a full time job. If working nights is an option for him, try it. If it helps to get you all on your feet, it may just lead to something better (daytime) for him. It's hard to sacrifice family time, but hopefully it will be for the best.
Good luck! Remember, these tough times will get easier.
I feel for you and have been
I feel for you and have been there, sort of. My husband and I ( although at the time he wasn't my husband) had a bad run of luck a few years back. He had lost his job but was always actively looking for employment, and although he would find odd jobs here and there, it was always lacking a feeling of security.
He had always admired service members, and began looking into the armed forces. He decided to join the Marines, and it was one of the best decisions of his life. I will say it is not an easy job and it is hard on the family at times. He was away at boot camp for 13 weeks, then had to go to MCT for 2 weeks, then to his school for 5 weeks, so I didn't get to see him for about 5 months, and that was hard but the payoff was great.
He has been in for six years, loves his job, we love where we live, and in December he will be graduating from NAU with his bachelor's degree in Criminal Justice, a degree he earned by using the free Tuition assistance the armed forces offers. He will soon be applying for Officer's Candidate School, and things are stable, secure, and looking up.
It sounds like your husband may be depressed, maybe he feels like the work he does is meaningless, and not being able to provide better for his family may be bothering him too. If he has had any urge to be in the service I would encourage it. If there is a certain field he is interested in, encourage him to look into it. The service has a huge range of jobs. My husband was interested in Criminal Justice and he is a brig guard, but has also been an M.P. and there is a chaser job as well.
If he is reluctant to take the first step, ask him if it would be alright for you to call your local recruiter to see what is available, but be ready to tell them what he is interested in.
I just want to say that I feel for you, when my husband lost his job, he was a completely different person. It was hard to be around him and we fought a lot, due to the stress of the situation Hang in there.It can pass, just try to take a proactive stance, you guys will make it through.
Bonus: if he does go into the service you could get stationed miles away from his parents! Kidding!!!
KELLY
All of the men in his family
All of the men in his family have gone in to the military and he can't wait to join himself. The thing is, is that he has taken the ASVAB 2 times already and failed it and you have to pass it in order to join any branch. He has one more try and if he fails it again he won't be able to join anything until another 6 months. He is also trying to get his GED Rio Salado College but I always have to be bugging him and telling him to get his butt of the couch and go to school, and I'm also tired of that. I have one kid not two!! So, hopefully he will get his act together soon and get his butt in the military or a full time job to help us all out.
**Mommy Lopez**
The Mother Lion in you has
The Mother Lion in you has come out and rightly so. You have been carrying all the burdens for too long. Sounds like your husband might be dealing with depression issues and a man's way of coping (in my experience) is to close down and ignore the reality. So here's an extra burden you have to deal with, give your husband a non-threatening environment to reclaim his "manhood".
Why don't you change gears and tackle this situation in another manner. Sit down and write the pro's and con's of several issues and remedies - then have your mom babysit so you guys can go to a special dinner and you can share everything AND ask for his opinion. It is said that men are visual creatures so show him on paper the pro's and con's, its harder to argue.
I, personally, would give this one chance. If after that there is no change and he is still defiant and won't listen to whats best for the family and work towards making positive changes - go with your gut and do whats best for your child.
It sounds to me like your
It sounds to me like your husband doesn't WANT to work. He's been home for a few months and probably enjoys it. Good for you for telling him to get a job! You need to stick to your guns. If babysitting is that big of a problem, couldn't he work graveyard? Or even three to eleven where you would only need a sitter for a couple of hours a day? There are many things here your husband could be doing. Your the only one doing anything. As far as moving goes, believe me, it won't solve all your problems. Whether your husband likes it or not you need a sitter and if it's someone you don't know then you do your homework and check them out. Millions of people use daycare every day. I know it's hard, but your daughter will be just fine. But if he got a job working the opposite hours that you do, you wouldn't need a babysitter. I know you said you'd never see eachother, but sometimes that's the way it has to be for awhile. My husband worked two jobs and I worked nights and weekends for a few years to make ends meet. And we have four kids. You CAN do this, but you need to feel your husband is on your side and that the two of you are part of a team. Good luck to you and let us know how things go.
Paz
I have to agree with
I have to agree with everyone else - moving wont solve your problems. You probably already have thought of these things but I would consider the following before making a decision:
- are you moving away from your support network?
- if your husband is staying home, and is unmotivated is he maybe suffering depression?
- friends caring for your children can be good but what happens if it gets too much for her?
- are you willing to mix friendship and business?
- if you disagree with something your friend does or doesn't do will you hesitate about bringing it up?
Just be careful, it can be hard if your family is further away. The care of your child is definitely worth considering when you move but it shouldnt be the only reason that you choose to live somewhere. It's important but it's not enough to dictate where you live on it's own.
Good luck with everything. You certainly have some tough decisions to make and a lot to deal with.
You guys are all right. I
You guys are all right. I never thought about it that way though. I guess I just thought having someone take car of our daughter will have him look for a job much harder. I never realized that was the base of our problem. He is not the same anymore and it is a possibility he may be depressed about the situation. It's just hard to be understanding and loving when we keep getting in daily arguments and fights that don't lead anywhere. I think we are both just too stressed out and if he needs to work the opposite hours I do or graveyard then I just have to deal with it like you guys said. It will eventually change, hopefully, and at least we won't be so stressed or struggling for money anymore. Thanks for all the advice everyone I really appreciate it. I was about to burst and I didn't know where to turn and you guys where a lot of help.
**Mommy Lopez**