My 17 year old wants to have sex with her boyfriend

First of all, be grateful that your daughter is discussing this with you BEFORE it happens. Take positive, proactive steps to ensure that her experience is a safe one. Talk candidly about peer pressure, condoms and STD's. I have a similar relationship with my daughter who is now 21 and I'm very grateful. Sometimes you'll hear details you'd rather not, but all-in-all, it's wonderful that she'll talk with you about it.

I got on the pill at age 17, and I give thanks to God everyday, because its a miracle that I didn't have a baby at age 15.
I just had my first baby at age 36, and it was the time that I decided for myself. Let her get on the pill if sex is involved.
You are doing the right thing discussing the consequences, mainly diseases. Its out there and tell her to prepare for diseases if she is thinking about having sex. I hear that our young girls are coming up with 2-3 diseases instead of just one, so warn her good. My cousin in her 30's received a disease she can't get rid of and it changes you forever.
I wish I had waited until marriage.

One Happy Mom in Arizona.

When my little sister reached this point, I tried to explain to her that, even if it's a change for the better, this step would change who she is - how she connents with people and herself, how she views all future relationships, etc. I explained that It would change her FOREVER and that she had 40, 50 years ahead to be THAT person, but that she had only a short time left to be the person that she was today. I explained scenerio's of misunderstandings that ocurr at that intimacy level and how she could never go back to that giddy, feeling of having that step AHEAD of her. Like having a high dollar gift card in hand, the POTENTIAL of that experience, was as much fun as the experience itself, and that when not in the right relationship (devoted, committed, etc.), she could wind up experiencing the most profound "buyer's remorse" of her life. Once that innocence is gone, it's gone for good and there isn't a woman alive who doesn't at least miss the power of that feeling. As Shakespear said, "Having is not always as pleasing a thing as wanting".

This seemed to resonate with her and she decided to wait another year or two.

"Only a life lived for others, is the life worthwhile" - Albert Einstein

I know back in the day (when I was in high school) planned parenthood offered a seminar or talk group (I don't know what really to call it, but you get the drift) for teens wanting to have sex or already having it. It's suppose to be a great way of really exposing kids to the pros and cons of sex. I would also talk to your daughter about the fact that she is so young and that while she may be "in love" with this guy, 3 months is not that long and that you'd prefer them to wait at least 6 months...that puts into the summer months where they have to make an effort to see one another not just at school and also during the summer it will show how commited to one another they are with new schools coming into play and also the possibility of moving from home. She might be thinking this is a great way to keep her guy but in the long run it might cause the "I lost my virginity to you and now you are dumping me?" phase. All in all I think it's great you guys are so close and she feels that she can talk to you about these things. I would be as honest as possible and express your wishes about her having sex. If she feels that you may not agree 100% with what she's wanting to do, she might wait a little longer as well. Us parents and our opinions sometimes weigh a lot more in to our child's life and decisions than what we know.

"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."

I'd say be honest. If your hearts desire is that she wait until she is through high school, set the bar there. Or that she wait until this relationship is stronger (6 months, 9 months, a year??) tell her that.

It is good to have her be prepared and educated. I strongly believe that is powerful, responsible parenting, but I also think you should tell her , you hope she'll wait until ___________, and that any boy worth sharing this experience with will understand.

Lovemy4 is a discussion leader for North Central Phoenix, tired mother of 4 great kids and wife to one great husband.

I love what Optimist had to say. I, too, am going to save what she had to say for later. My child is only 8, but my friend's daughter also told her at age 17 that she wanted to have sex. My friend asked her daughter to wait until she was 18, so she would at least chronologically an "adult" and also to give her relatively new relationship more time. The young couple did have sex on her 18th birthday, but they had talked much about it, were prepared and using protection.

Karina Bland is raising her 9-year-old son in Tempe with a lot of love, humor and support from her friends and family. A longtime journalist covering child welfare and education issues for The Arizona Republic, she blogs about raising good kids.

Yes, Optimist's comment is awesome!

Coming from a women's health perspective, since I work for www.EmpowHer.com, a women's health web site based in Scottsdale, I think it's essential that you talk about STD's and cervical cancer. Don't just think protection as being protection against pregnancy. Simply being on the pill may save her from becoming a teenage mother, but it is not going to save her life. I have a very close friend who is a young mother of two and is fighting for her life against cervical cancer. Cervical cancer is horrible, in some cases a death sentence, and is caused by very common STD's.

I agree with the mom who suggested checking out Planned Parenthood. They have volunteer speakers who often go to libraries and other locations to talk about various sexuality and health issues.

Personally, I think 17 is just too young. She's practically a baby herself. Just the possibility of becoming pregnant is too much for this age! I was 36 years old and on the pill (never missed a day!) when I became pregnant with my 4th baby. That was a shocker. My doctor reminded me that 1 percent of the time you'll get pregnant while on the pill. Because of this experience, I tell my daughters that, age aside, they're not ready to have sex, period, until they're ready to have a baby.

DesertMom
http://ppdsurvivor.blogspot.com

I agree. You're lucky she spoke about it before doing it behind your back. I'm afraid that it's going to happen whether you approve or not. In reality- 3 months seems like a very short period of time but to young love- it's a lifetime.
I would talk to her about being safe and the emotional effects that follow. I just hope he's special and she doesn't end up regretting her decision.

-Kinsey Lou

I think you need to stress safety - AIDS, STDs, etc. Obviously pregnancy and how limiting that could be to a 17-year-old with goals and dreams.
I also think girls that age feel such pressure to be sexually active - your conversation needs to explore why she thinks this is a good idea at her age. What's driving it - hormones, pressure, status, etc.
Good luck.

Susie is a discussion leader in the east valley for arizonamoms.com. She has two sons, ages 7 and 3.

Its awesome that your daughter is talking to you about this step in her life, and I think that is really all you can do. I don't think that anyone can prepare you for how you are going to feel after sex. but it happens and we all deal with it. i know i was 16 when i had sex for the first time, i thought i loved him, and we dated for around 2 1/2 years, then i broke up with him and married my husband and we have been married for 27 years. i don't think things are much different from when we were younger, its just that we are more aware of what is going on. more in tuned with our kids. our parents werent. not to say that was bad, its just the way it was. good luck.

PS what optimist said is so so good! if only some of them will listen, but we rarely do, we just can't wait to be a "grown up"

My vote is that if your child trusts you enough to tell you that she is having sex with her boyfriend, then I think that you should let them do what they want to. She clearly (from what is posted above) will be responsible enough to use a condom or some other form of protection. As for talking, keep it to yourself, teenagers generally are afraid of talking to their parents about this kind of stuff, regardless of how it may SEEM when you do. As for discussions, just make sure they are aware of the risks, and that they most certainly should use some form of protection. Even with a good condom, there is still about a 1% chance of having a child, be aware that that is 1 in 100 times in sexual intercourse....

I was recently told of a book written by Judy Blume, I think its called the first time, in which she writes about a 17 year old first time having sex. She writes it as if she is the girl, and it sheds light for the young girl realding it about how its not like you see it in the movies, how you might or might not get pregnant and touches on many many different things that girls dont think about.

I plan on buying it for my daugther when she is a bit older.

discussion leader, mom of an 11 year old girl. At this time, she is trying to make it work between raising her and having a full time job!

I would ask her what she thinks? Does she just want to feel loved? Is there peer pressure involved? How is her relationship with her dad? Any correlation there? Possibly not enough love from him? What about her friends, are they sexually active? Do you have any religous beliefs?
I had sex at an early age against my will, and then became sexually active after that for awhile. I wish I would have waited till marriage.
Does she know if she got pregnant, what it would be like to raise a child. Things she probably doesn't want to think about. But nonetheless, important to do so.
Good Luck!
Hopefully she will make good choices
An AZ mom with a 6month old

Your open relationship with your daughter is fantastic. Keep talking about the real hazards out there--stds, pregnancy and rape. She sounds level headed and your advice may still sink in. You are also smart to realize that she may decided to have sex and she needs full education from you and the doctor to protect her from stds and pregnancy.

soccermom of a 12 yr old boy and 15 yr old young lady