I've been thinking a lot about the story one mom posted about her son receiving a condom in his prom goodie bag from the school. I didn't like the idea because I want my kids to come to me to talk and not hear it from the school; however, I also understand there are pleny of kids without parents who are willing to talk, so it might be justified. Many readers said they thought it was a good idea, but I still can't get it out of my mind. Here is why:
What I imagine is a cute 15 year old girl at the prom with her older boyfriend. All night he's thinking how he could get her into bed, and all night she's thinking of how she can avoid it. They start making out, and she tries to stop things. She comes up with a few excuses, "my parents would kill me" "I'm too young," and the boy says, "come on, they gave us these at school. This is what everyone does. They don't think we're too young, I promise everything will be great. I really like you."
So, they have sex, because she doesn't have an out anymore--even the school says it's okay and that everyone is doing it--as long as you are safe, that's what's important.
I tend to not agree. I don't think "being safe" is all that is important. What about that now sexually active 15 year old, who really wanted to wait but had no out, and now feels pretty yucky about it. Now, she's doing it all the time with her boyfriend (becuase you can't have sex just once) and probably every boyfriend after that. Chances are, at some point they won't use protection--even if it was given to them for free.
I guess that's what I think about. Making a girl grow up way before she wants to. Let's face it, sex in high school is not for the girl's pleasure. It's to make a guy like you...it's a crappy ferris wheel to be on and one that takes a long time to get off. I wonder how many girls did it for the first time that night because they felt like it was what they were supposed to do.
Brooke Romney is an unbalanced mom of three young boys who constantly has too much to do, and too little time. She writes the Mom Beat column for The Gilbert Republic.
I couldn't agree more.
I couldn't agree more.
Hobbymommy, 38, is a discussion leader from Mesa. She is a happy stay-at-home mommy to a 3-year-old daughter and a 2-year-old son.
You are exactly right. I was
You are exactly right. I was really saddened to see so many moms post that they basically believe the Prom is just a glorified orgy, so they are GLAD the school is handing out condoms. Talk about abdicating your parental responsibility.
And yes, it IS the girls who pay the price even if they don't get pregnant or end up with an STD. After all, you can't put a condom on your heart.
New to AZ --- still working out the kinks!
There is NO WAY I believe
There is NO WAY I believe the Prom is a "glorified orgy" just because I think it responsible of the school to address a situation that so many young adults deal with.
I completely understand the point of young girls being pressured, and I respect and understand the concern of the Mom who posted this topic again.
I think it is MOST important for us to teach our children that they ALWAYS have choices, and some choices can lead them down paths they can never turn back. This trusting and open relationship will hopefully instill values that your kids can carry and help them when they need to make these decisions on their own.
My parents taught me right from wrong, and trusted me to think about the consequences to my actions and make decisions based upon those consequences. I am proud of the decisions I made as a young adult, and I hope to give my kids the same guidance.
Talk about ABDICATING YOUR PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITY...keep ignoring the fact that young adults are having sex!!!!
I hear you totally. I can
I hear you totally. I can understand the whole safe sex thing, but if that were in my goodie bag I would feel very awkward, and almost obligated. Then to imagine the stupid boys that put their two cents in the party would be over. I really feel that bottom line you look your daughter in her eyes and say. No matter what if you don't want to do something you tell them straight out no and walk away and call me I will come and get you, and don't be sorry. This is your decision, but if you don't feel comfortable don't feel sorry about saying no. We all can deliver a message to our children, but ultimately it's up to them to make that decision.
Lisa - Mom to her spunky little Scarlette
This was my son's first
This was my son's first prom. He is a freshman and was asked by a junior, as friends. We have a relationship where we talk about drugs, sex, peer pressure, etc. often. I made sure to talk to HIM about not feeling pressured into anything he is not ready for. Its not always the guys doing the pressure thing. I have seen/heard of many occassions where the girl is the aggressor.
I am grateful on a daily basis that my son and daughter will not need to use not having a condom as an excuse or having one as a reason to have sex. Today, they are both secure enough to know they want to wait for a loving, committed partner (and hopefully marriage). However, I am not naive enough to think that may change and I am okay with the thought that condoms could be easily attained.
I really love this post....I
I really love this post....I agree with you completely.
There are other consequences/entanglements involved with having casual sex besides unintended pregnancy and sexualy transmitted diseases.....the "protection" of condoms does nothing to protect girls from the emotional damage of being used and tossed aside.
I think we as parents need
I think we as parents need to address this issue before it becomes one on Prom Night. I also think that if we are continually open with our daughters, they won't feel "obligated" to have sex because someone gave them a condom. I think we should give them a little more credit than that. When I was a 15 year old girl( and yes I had been to prom for the 2nd time at that age) I would be very offended that someone would think that I would have sex because the school provided a condom in my goodie bag. And no, I did not have sex on any prom night that I attended. We need to raise our girls to value themselves and to stand up for what they believe in. Peer pressure in the form of a condom is no match for that.
amen sister. To what
amen sister. To what jacksmommy said.
If you really feel that way,
If you really feel that way, then I suppose you wouldn't object to the SCHOOL giving out Bibles, or cigarettes, or campaign literature for one political party only, right? Because after all, we have to give the kids credit and allow them to make their own decisions and stuff being handed out under the offical 'ok' of the school shouldn't be a factor.
New to AZ --- still working out the kinks!
How can a teenager ever
How can a teenager ever learn to make a good decision if they are never allowed to make any decisions.
If your kids aren't well enough equipped to make an informed decision, then that's no one's fault but your own for not actually parenting them. And if your daughter winds up at the prom and is unable to say no to her date, look in the mirror to place the blame.
My children will know that we have an open door policy and that no topic is off limits.
However, sometimes no matter how "cool" of a parent you think you are being your child still won't feel comfortable talking about sex or other topics with you. Shouldn't they have someone else they can talk to? Or perhaps you'd prefer they just find everything out with hands on experience.
Course if you're still concerned about your daughter not being smart enough to say no and having sex at prom, maybe you should just forbid her from going. Just keep her in a bubble for the rest of her life, so that when she escapes your house, she makes sure she cuts off all contact with you and you never hear from her again.
It is better to be hated for what you are, than to be loved for what you are not.
The issue is that it's not
The issue is that it's not up to the SCHOOL to aggressively hand out condoms to every kid --- just as they would never even dream of handing out Bibles, or cigarettes, or John McCain bumper stickers, etc.
This isn't about making them available, it's about giving something the 'official seal of approval' --- something that is NOT in their realm of authority.
I don't understand the bitter and angry posts from "pro-condoms in the goodie bags" moms. Some of us just do NOT want the schools making decisions for us, our families, or our kids, and WE have the right to object to policies like this!
New to AZ --- still working out the kinks!
Putting a condom into a
Putting a condom into a goodie bag is far from aggressively handing them out. The teens do not have to take a goodie bag.
If your child thinks that making something available to them equals giving it a seal of approval then there's something wrong with what you are teaching them.
Parents who don't make decisions or teach their children to make good decisions put the schools in this position. I guarantee if there hadn't been any condoms in the bags and someone's kid went out and got pregnant on prom night there would be a parent out there trying to sue the school for not keeping an eye on their daughter.
It is better to be hated for what you are, than to be loved for what you are not.
I guess I need to clarify.
I guess I need to clarify. It's not MY kid I'm worried about. Nor YOUR kid. If everyone was doing the job they should do, we wouldn't need condoms in goody bags either--hte kids would talk to their parents and get them there.
It's the girl who has no parents at home who care who has seen others having sex and who knows she is not ready for it but feels pressured by the boy she is with. I actually don't have any girls--I just worry about the girls like some of the friends I had in high school; good kids, but lost and swayed by everything they heard or saw, and especiallly swayed by guys to do what they wanted them to; it made them feel cool and accepted for a moment, then sick and really changed the course of their lives.
If a school wants to make them avaliable at the nurses office or something, that's okay, but to give one to everyone seems like it gives them a reason to push others to do it--and I'm not a fan of that. Girls and guys should be able to make that decision in a pressure free zone, and if you think having a condom burning a hole in your pocket and an implied, "sex is fine as long as it's safe" note along with it isn't pressure, you are kidding yourself.
Brooke Romney is an unbalanced mom of three young boys who constantly has too much to do, and too little time. She writes the Mom Beat column for The Gilbert Republic.
I didn't mean your kid
I didn't mean your kid personally I mean it as a general you/your.
How did it get to be sex is fine if it's safe? That's not the case at all. It's we don't want you to have sex, but we're not stupid enough to believe you're going to listen to us, so please if you do have sex, use a condom.
And no, it's not pressure, that's ridiculous! Now I could see if the school chucked a hotel room key in the bag, but that's not the case.
It amazes me how some women assign the stupid card to girls. You might as well just line a bunch of teenage girls up and say, "You're not bright enough or strong enough to think for yourself and go against peer pressure so just go with it and will find someone else to blame for it".
You want to talk about pressure? How about the pressure parents put on kids to get into the best colleges? It's "work as hard as you can and get into the best school because if you don't you will shame your family". THAT is pressure.
It is better to be hated for what you are, than to be loved for what you are not.
It amazes me how some
It amazes me how some parents assign the 'dogs in heat' card to their kids --- thinking there is NO POSSIBLE WAY teens can control their hormonal urges so they hand them condoms and think they've done their job.
Sad --- I give these teens a lot more credit than that.
But having the school hand out condoms is PRECISELY giving the official seal of approval! That is why schools DO NOT give out religious literature, etc!!!!
New to AZ --- still working out the kinks!
You are totally missing the
You are totally missing the point. It's not that they CAN'T control their hormones, it's that sometimes they choose not to and choose to have sex. And when they do choose to have sex, shouldn't they be prepared and have some kind of protection?
You clearly don't give teens more credit than that if you assume that because they get a condom they will automatically have sex. You don't give them any credit at all. And THAT is assigning them the "dogs in heat" card.
In addition, why isn't anyone talking about the boys that have sex at an earlier age? It seems that people are only concerned about the girls having sex.
It is better to be hated for what you are, than to be loved for what you are not.
What makes me sad about your
What makes me sad about your scenario and many of the comments - is how fragile and influencible (word?) some of our girls must be. Why can't "No I don't want to" be enough of an out?? Saying "No, I don't want to, let's get out of the back of this car and do something else instead" be enough?
Truthfully - how wishy washy/vulnerable are our girls if they can be talked into having sex. I think we need to ask why? Why aren't they more confident? Why does pleasing their boyfriend/date outweigh their own sense of happiness and security?
I see the point that maybe having a condom eliminates one excuse not to have sex, but why aren't our girls able to just say "because I don't want to and you need to respect that decision. This isn't negotiable." It worked for me, and I was still voted "best personality" in my Senior class and I got invited by 6 different guys to Prom, all who knew they weren't getting any, even if a truck load of condoms were poured on our heads.
Our girls need to be stronger, to value themselves more. Maybe we experienced ones need to write to some school papers and give them a pep-talk. Let them know, sex is not an obligation.
Something needs to be done, but what and by whom? Failing to answer those questions, I think providing condoms is the lowest denominator of support we can provide to those in need. We can do better, but until we do, if girls are going to give in, let's keep them protected at the very, very, very least.
Lovemy4 is a discussion leader for North Central Phoenix, tired mother of 4 great kids and wife to one great husband.
Lovemy4, I totally agree
Lovemy4,
I totally agree with you. I would love to let girls know that they are better than that. That THEY should be the one making the decision. I want to let them know how much more sex is, not just about avoiding pregnancy or an STD or being liked or feeling loved for a moment. I want them to know that men actually really respect women who hold out and are strong and you don't want to be with someone who isn't attracted to that. It's talking to them about more than condoms, it's about emotion and feeling, and respect; I would love to hear any ideas or programs that do more than just push abstinence but talk about why, and what sex means. By all means, if they are doing it they should be safe, but everyone gets stupid once they've been having sex for awhile, and it's just not worth the risk.
I'd love any ideas you have. I would love to speak to girls about it; about what it could and should mean when it's right.
I'm actually really passionate about girls being allowed to be young, fun and carefree and then be able to be strong women who know who they are and what they want out of life, and it doesn't take sex for them to get there.
Brooke Romney is an unbalanced mom of three young boys who constantly has too much to do, and too little time. She writes the Mom Beat column for The Gilbert Republic.
I wasn't kidding about an
I wasn't kidding about an open letter to some high school newspapers. Some might even print it... It would be a good way to reach teen girls (and teen boys).
Planned Parenthood has a speakers bureau that is invited to different groups to discuss different topics. I love how they cover medical facts, but also emotional and physical facts. They say plainly that abstinance from sexual contact is the only 100% affective way to avoid pregnancy other methods are fallable, but here is what they are and how they work. They are wonderful caring individuals, but they don't reach everyone who could learn from what they are saying. You might be interested in joining their group of speakers or hearing them speak?
I think we need to make sure our girls know they can say no. Maybe we take out ads in school papers with that message...
Lovemy4 is a discussion leader for North Central Phoenix, tired mother of 4 great kids and wife to one great husband.