The "Talk"

What I've learned is you don't have to go into great detail. Sometimes you don't even need to go into ANY detail. Your son will let you know whether he understands. But don't ever count on friends telling him anything that's true. You wouldn't believe how my son thought a baby was conceived and all his info came from his friends. The most important thing I told my kids is if they ever had a question and wanted the RIGHT and TRUTHFUL answer to come to me. And they have. They are sometimes embarressed but they know they can ask me anything and I will tell them what I know. And when I don't know I find out and then I tell them. Good luck! It's really not as hard as you think.

Paz

I have an 18 year old son and a 12 year old son. These subjects are only as hard as you make them. Trust me, your son will take his cues from you and be as open and honest as you will let him and in return you take your cues from him as to when and how much information to give.

With my eldest son I had a "full blown talk" and it was horrible. So uncomfortable and technical. I let my own embarassment make the whole thing so awful that he didnt want to ask me any questions and couldnt wait to get out of there. On reflection I thought I'd done a terrible job and didnt know what to do to fix it. So I made fun of myself and we had a laugh together and the subject was dropped for a while. Then I just started to take opportunities as they were presented just through normal conversations - movies we were talking about, novels, lives of celebrities, etc.

With my 12 year old I havent had a formal talk and dont intend to. Instead I have just started to use movies, news stories, magazines, whatever to start a casual conversation about sex, drugs, puberty, whatever in general and we laugh and joke, be a bit silly about it. In this way he will ask me questions and state opinions which he is open to me correcting. It also makes him think about why he knows something to be true or right and he is less likely to blindly trust information from school. I never say that people are wrong I just say "What if...." . Sometimes he will tell me about some dirty joke or conversation about sex and thats my cue to expand on or correct the information.

Last week we talked about penis hygiene because we saw a re-run of an Oprah show where Dr. Oz was talking about how a lot of men dont know how to clean their penis properly. He also asked if wet dreams and erections were normal and what he should do if it happens because he heard someone talking about it at school. We discussed STD's because we saw an ad for a local clinic in the paper.

I think a series of casual conversation is a better way to go because puberty, sex, drugs, all the things you need to start to teach your son are too big to do in one or two talks. Lots of little conversations is better and there's no rule that says by age whatever they need to know everything. This way it helps to build a strong open relationship with your children.

Every parent and every child is different though so what works for me probably wont work for everyone. Good luck with it all. I'm sure you will do a good job. :-)

"Conversations" are waaaaay better than "the talk". My son is 14 and we talk all the time about all sorts of things. I do look for opportunities to for "learning moments", my son even recognizes them and will look at me before I even say anything and says "I know" and usually grins.

Just remember how you felt when an authority figure called you over for a "talk". No matter if it is from a loved one, a boss, or a friend - you still get that knot in the middle of your stomach. Not a good way to start things out.....

Okay, before I would say anything, I think it's important to find out where he is on his information. Since he is 12-years-old, I'll bet he thinks he has a pretty good idea about things and his information may or may not be correct (probably not). Find out what he knows and then go from there. It's a great opportunity to answer questions and give him information. Some things he may not question you about because he thinks he already knows the answer. That's why I think you ought to find out what he thinks he already knows first.

Second, make it a "carefree" environment. The best conversations I had with my parents about anything important never came from a "sit-down-talk" but from everyday moments, watching t.v./movies, talking about my friends or celebrity gossip.

Good luck!

Well, i've never had the "talk" with my 15 1/2 year old son - we just kinda take opportunities to discuss what he sees in movies, what he hears at schools and with his friends. We've always been able to talk without getting embarrassed. I think he would literally fall on the floor laughing if i ever sat him down and said "now son, you're getting older, and you're changing... blah blah blah. " We started discussing sex i think when he was around eleven (?) But I think you can pick up cues from your kids when they're ready to talk. Like he'll say a particular girl is pretty (okay - my son used the term "hot" OMG. that led to a discussion about respect!). Or you can ask him about health class - what they're talking about. I'm pretty sure the schools send home permission slips for sex ed - they do in out town anyways - that opens up the door right there.
Good luck though - and it's not as tough as you think.

I had great success introducing the subject while reminicing with him about his baby years. Then I showed him books with picture of how a baby develops inside mommy. Then we discussed how the baby was conceived. That is enough to sink in for a few days. Over the next week plus, bring in the discussions of morality and stds. Keeping an ongoing discussion will keep the door open and hopefully he will keep coming to you for answers, not his friends. Good luck--although it won't be nearly as bad as you anticipate.

soccermom of a 12 yr old boy and 15 yr old young lady