I've been reading about the rising cost of birth control pills in an editorial section of a newspaper where I'm vacationing; many of the responses are from concerned college-age girls who worry they won't be able to afford birth control anymore, and don't want to become parents yet. (Obviously, the abstinence issue is not relevant to this discussion.) I wonder how others think about availability of birth control?
One of my best friends has pre-empted the whole cost issue for her teenager through pre-emptive education and proaction: she has put her now-14 year old daughter on the pill, and stocked up on "morning after" medication just in case, and gotten her daughter vaccinated (HPV) as a precautionary measure. Her thinking (probably correct) is that her attractive, social daughter will soon be experimenting in wilder crowds, and that at some point hormones may rule the day, thereby making her rather smart daughter vulnerable to sexuality-related regret.
While I am no promoter of abstinence programs, I was a bit surprised that mom took the road she did. Would you--or do you, or did your mom--go to this extreme to educate and protect a daughter?
Wow...while I commend your
Wow...while I commend your friend for the planning ahead a part of me can't help but think holy cow, she's only 14 and this all seems really extreme. I too feel that I want to be prepared when the time is here (I have 1 daughter 3 step daughter ranging from 5-10) but while I think it's important to teach our children about sex, consequences, STD's and all the other "stuff" I also want my kids to not get the impression by having birth control, morning after pill and HPV on hand that I'm permitting it either. I almost feel by her being so extreme about it she's saying to her daughter, "hey, I know you'll do it so here's my permission to." (I could be wrong, I don't know her.) I will say this, 3 of the 5 kids we have (my husband and I) were results of sex without marriage, 1 of those was my son whom I became pregnant with at 17. The mother of my step children is now pregnant and unmarried once again too. I'm hoping that what I can bring to the table is discussion, open minds and tolerance of decisions made. I will not wait openly with all that your friend is, but I will keep sex an open subject at our home with lots of q and a time and tell ALL my children that if the feel they are ready to, I want them to use birth control and let me take them to a sexually active meeting that I know Planned Parenthood offers. This way they get information and guidance and maybe will wait a little while longer. But then again I say all of this now and who knows, when 1 hits 14 and I hear boyfriend I might flip out, become totally parental and either ground for life or stock up lol...
Good luck making your decision. I hope your friend has peace of mind in hers...
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
Absolutely not..........if I
Absolutely not..........if I had a daughter I would never in a million years take this approach. Your freind has unwittingly given her daughter a tacit approval to engage in sex with a indulgent attitude and little to no concern for the consequences.....even with all of the up-front education in her short sighted teenage mind she will think with a stockpile of the morning after pill at her disposal she probably why even bother with keeping up on oral contraception......and even if she does she may not see the need for bothersome and unromantic condoms...especially becuase the guy will probably try and talk her out of using one because "it doesn't feel as good"........which leads to the next issue of the risk of disease......and not only are the long term effects of that HPV vaccine unproven, that is certainly not the only STD out there.....this girl could end up with syphillis,herpes, HIV, gonhorrea(not sure if I spelled that one right, oh well!)............a raging case of crabs.........girls that age usually have the misconception that diseases are only picked up from "unclean" looking people and if some clean cut sweet talker with good pedigree comes on the scene swearing he's a virgin or only been with a "few" girls, the last thing to cross her mind will be that he could be a liar just trying to get in her pants and have herpes....... this actually happened to the younger sister of a freind of mine...she picked up herpes from a guy she met in Catholic school who swore he was a virgin.
Lastly - there are other consequences to sex besides the physical....it carries a huge emotional price....and I think that the emotional side is one a 14 year old is least prepared to deal with. Instead of giving her daughter the green light to "experiment" with sex and set herself up to become a sexual plaything for men, she should be encouraging her to respect herself enough to keep her purity and know her own worth. I wish my own mother had done that for me.
I know a lot of you ladies think I am some kind of prude, but I have been around the block many times.....and I think parents really need to avoid taking a permissve stance on someting as serious as this. I am all for education, but I feel as parents we have a responsibility to look out for our childrens emotional and spiritual well being as well as the physical.
I'll get off my soapbox now. :)
It does seem overboard. She
It does seem overboard. She has protected her daughter from pregnancy (most likely) and an STD, but she hasn't guaranteed condoms for other diseases, and she hasn't protected the daughter from the emotional toll and, well, girls with more partners are more likely to get cervical cancer later. There's a lot at play here. I'd much rather teach her your values with the asterisk that if you're going to do it anyway, you absolutely must use birth control/STD prevention properly. If you come to me, I will help you do that without judgment (and then live up to that), because the consequences of failing to do that are life-altering.
Nothing like telling her
Nothing like telling her daughter to "spread eagle" for every tom, dick or harry that comes around and tells her she's "pretty and smart"...The mother herself should have taken precations and never had kids...What else does she provide for her kid and her friends, drinking parties and condoms?? sound like she thinks that all kids are partiers and (inappropriate term)...And doesn't believe in teaching self=respect or respect for others..
" just my Opinion"
maybe this mom has a feeling
maybe this mom has a feeling or knows that her daughter is already running with a "wild crowd". I would be trying to find out the facts first,then take these extra steps if its needed at this point.
I agree with you
I agree with you memoriesfaded.
This mom must know somethings we aren't aware of.I am all for education and protection.The morning after pill has me thinking this mom has gone overbored.However we don't know all the details...
Does anyone else think just
Does anyone else think just the knowledge that this morning aftre pill is available at home is going to give the girl a false sense of security?
I really think that it will, and just based on the information Rhonda had to offer, she's making some mistakes.
I think back to my own immature, shortsighted teenage self, and that's probably how I would have looked at it....I would have thought 'hey, no worries".....my own parents had a very permissive 'well, you'll do it anyway so may as well use the pill' attitude and I looked at that as pretty much a blanket stamp of approval for me to have sex whenever I wanted.
Same thing with drinking, they used to buy beer for me and my high school boyfreind.........I just feel it's a mistake to take that kind of approach.
False sense of security is
False sense of security is right. If this girl isnt having sex or isnt giving any inclinations that she is, then its totally far fetched. But what if the situation is "i know my daughter is already having sex, what can i do now?"
well......I think fourteen
well......I think fourteen is way too young to really know how to handle your business, so to speak..........if she found that the girl was already having sex, then it's probably time to sit down with her and have a really serious no holds barred discussion.......and tell her she needs to stop....but teens always think they know it all(I certainly thought so) so who knows if she'd listen. I can't say for sure, of course, since I don't know the people involved....but just going by the way the original post was written, it sounds more to me like there isn't any evidence the girl is already engaged in sexual activity, and the lady thinks she's being proactive since the girl is cute and popular she feels it's inevitable.
I know times have changed - it's been almost 20 years since I graduated fom high school(1989! omg I can't be that old)...but I remember in jr high any girl who was having sex at 14 was labeled as a s-l-u-t by most of the school and subject to cruel ridicule......and even in high school rumors still flew about girls who had been "active".....I remember the embarassment when the boy I lost my virginity to at 16 dumped me immediately after and told everyone I was a tramp and had been with about 10 other people, just so he could make me look bad and save face in front of his other girlfreind who just moved back into town.....my reputation was ruined and stories he made up dogged me through the rest of school......it's a tangled web you get wrapped up in once you start getting involved sexually....a lot of pain and angst that you aren't ready to deal with as a teen.
Those are the consequences that condoms and morning after pills don't cover, and sex education rarely touches on.
Your comments provide some
Your comments provide some interesting perspective on this. My son won't face these same issues in the same way, but I was a daughter of a mom who refused to acknowledge that I might even be interested in boys until after age 20+, when I was expected to marry. This is one reason I asked for others' perspectives on M--'s actions.
Interestingly, M-- has cited several times the movie "Fourteen" as a rather alarming reminder of her own wild days, and part of the reason the actions she took seemed so urgent.
I guess I'd say we should
I guess I'd say we should look back at our own selves at age 14 (or perhaps 16, since kids seem to grow up so much faster these days) ... what was our thought process/attitude toward sex at that age. Not just outwardly, or to our confidantes, but in our heads? My recollection is that I thought I'd be a virgin until marriage, or at least until I found the one. But of course I had the same curiousity and interest everyone else did ... so there is the adolescent conflict. My parents were open, but I definitely don't think they would encourage me to have sex or even just "give in" to the fact that I would. If they had, I would have thought they don't know me.
i have always been very open
i have always been very open with my children they are 29 and 17 now. i was a teen mom and i would never wish that on anyone. and i didnt get pregnant because i didnt know about it because sex was talked about with all my sister ( only the girls) in the home right befroe we got our periods. talking about sex has never been hard for me becasue my boys and i have always had a very open communications sytem. i bought a crystal bowl and filled it with condoms when my oldest turned 14 that was when he had his first real girlfiend. i told him that i didnt want him to have sex but if it came up that i wanted him to use protection. that bowl didnt empty until he got to be a junior in high school and then his friends would also come over and get them. the bowl went away for a couple of years and then my youngest started seeing and 18 yr old when he was 14. i did not approve and did not allow her in my home but the more i resisted the more he faought me on that so again the bowl cmae out. there is a rpogram at the helth department called dick tracy. all they have to do is walk up to the front dest and say "dick tracy" and tey get a brwon bag with condoms and information pamphlts. i think it is a good program because abstinence doesnt work. no matte houw much the parents think"not my kids" those oare the ones that are the worse ones. i think its important to talk to the kids and i know its hrder when they are teens so you need to start form the begining. they need to have all the inforation not just that its bad. its gonna happen so you might as well give them the tools to stay safe. and its also very improtant to tell them that you are not giving them permisssion to have sex.
When my daughter is that
When my daughter is that age, maybe 15 or so, I would want her to be on birth control. Babies are way too expensive. Plus, when she is that age, I am almost at that age when I can actually rest, lol. Wouldn't want to start it all over again. =)
My mom took me to the doctor when I was about 15. I found out that I can not be on birth control (liver disease). My mom even took my boyfriend(husband now), which was good.
Its good to be prepared and to let both(girl/boy) know what is going on, its a 2 sided 'transaction'. lol.
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My mom put me on birth
My mom put me on birth control pills when I was 16 due to severe menstrual cycles (due to whacked out hypothyroidism) however she did educate me about sex and so on "just in case I decided to sneak behind her back"...I became sexually active (at my choice) when I was 17 but I was very very digilent taking the pill ON TIME everyday....This was 20 something years ago....Now with HIV, AIDS, porno being available everywhere, on and on, I am not sure if I would do the same with my girls....it's a tough call...I am not against sex education and so on but it's NUTS out there nowadays....
H~
Mom of 2 Daughters - Kelly (3 yrs) and Skylar (20 mos old)
zoostationu2@hotmail.com
As a mom of an 11 year old
As a mom of an 11 year old girl, I often think of how I am going to approach the pill and sex and how I might be able to help her be responsible and make good decisions. I for one, grew up in a very conservative home and sex and the pill were not matters of discussion at any time. For that reason, I want to be there for her to speak to me when she wants to. At the same time, I dont want to give her the green light as its discussed above. I hope that when she is 14 she is not thinking about sex but perhaps about how she might like someone and leave it at that. That of course, is just wishful thinking. If she would ask for the pill, I think I would provide it for her but not before I talk to her about everything that comes along with being sexually active.
discussion leader, mom of an 11 year old girl. At this time, she is trying to make it work between raising her and having a full time job!
We can only educate our kids
We can only educate our kids with the facts and hopefully pass on our moral judgement. After that the decision is really up to our children. Let's face it, if they want to have sex, they will find a way. That being said, I think we must protect them from pregnancy and disease.
soccermom
I think the woman went way
I think the woman went way too far too, but the truth is no one knows what to do. I never thought I would be in this situation but I found myself in it a few years ago with my 16 yr. old daughter. And I did end up taking her to the Dr. and putting her on birth control. Not because I condone it but because I KNEW she was having sex and didn't want her to end up pregnant. That's the bottom line.
Paz