This is the note I found in my daughters PJ drawer as we were clearing out summer items. I showed it to her and she said it wasn't even her handwriting "see" she said as she held up an "I LOVE Mom!" note. Then she said IF she did it, it was when she was "like 4." I said I bet it was more recent since she just moved into this room and filled this drawer a year ago. Then I said that I understand that she gets upset with me, I ask her to do things she doesn't want, at times she doesn't want, BUT the word hate is a very strong word and she needs to be careful when she chooses to use it. I told her I hoped she didn't hate me, but that she was mad about something I'd done or asked her. She's been very, very sweet and cuddly since then.
So intellectually I can understand the note, and that she doesn't hate me, but it still bums me out. She's only 8 for heaven's sake, I wasn't expecting this for another 3-4 years at least! :(
Lovemy4 is a discussion leader for North Central Phoenix, tired mother of 4 great kids and wife to one great husband.
OK, maybe I'm just grumpy
OK, maybe I'm just grumpy today, so I apologize for this in advance.
So you found a note that your daughter wrote an indeterminate amount of time ago, that was negative in nature, and you called her on it?
So your kids can look forward to delayed guilt trips. And your kids make up lame excuses to not hurt your feelings. And your kid has been super cuddly, so she's obviously afraid that you don't like her as much anymore.
I think I'd hate you too.
Do yourself a favor, and have her empty out her drawers from now on, you'll save yourself a lot of grief.
That didn't need to be said.
That didn't need to be said. " I think I would hate you too".
And if you already know you are grumpy and most likely will not say something constructive then why respond?
Why is my comment not
Why is my comment not constructive just because it's harsh?
There's no logic in that.
By definition to be
By definition to be constructive is to build up, fortify, add to in a positive manner...
Lot's of people just have comments, no rule everyone has to agree.
I do apprecatiate that you read what I posted and commented (and I appreciate that mwheeler cares:) I was just hoping to hear from someone who'd been through something similar and hear how it turns out. I wasn't expecting your kind of note, (especially as the first one, so the thread gets sidetracked) and I don't agree that I deserve the note, I might UNDERSTAND or EXPECT it, it comes with the territory, but I don't think I DESERVE a hate note. That's all.
Lovemy4 is a discussion leader for North Central Phoenix, tired mother of 4 great kids and wife to one great husband.
Where is the logic in saying
Where is the logic in saying " I think I would hate you too" ?
How is that advice ?
How is that constructive ?
That statement was just plain mean and didn't need to be said!
Your comment was not
Your comment was not constructive because it was pointless.
I'm all for "tell it like it
I'm all for "tell it like it is",, you gave a opinion, and that's what we do here..Joyce's comment was uncalled for and it shows her character..
" just my Opinion"
I agree - that was harsh and
I agree - that was harsh and unneccesary.
My husband and I were talking about this subject just last night. I remember how awful it felt when my parents went through my things. I'm still sensitive about it as an adult. I am the friend who will NEVER open your medicine cabinet at a party!
Can we give our kids privacy, or should everything be "searched" for safety and communication? I think it's a tough issue.
No, I WASN'T SNOOPING, we
No, I WASN'T SNOOPING, we were talking and I was asking - "does this still fit", etc. and the note was there. She was over my shoulder when I found it. I actually thought the "I LOVE Mom" note was quick thinking on her part. But I did want to use the moment as a learning moment. I think it is valuable for her to realize that words are powerful. If she writes a mean note to a friend about another it is public record. If she writes an I HATE Mom note, then she might have to look at me when I read it. So, she either needs to stop writing hate notes or hide stuff better, might be the lesson she walked away with, athough I HOPE she'll think about words too. "Mom is making me crazy" I hope is more accurate than "I hate Mom."
I love her unconditionally and was more matter-of-fact than emotion, in my reaction. I did want to call her on the lying, because she was lying. And I didn't say being mad at me is wrong or even writing the note was wrong, I just said I hope she didn't really hate me. I am not sure why you felt so negative about it CrazyMama. I don't have plans to bring it up again, so that comment was wrong.
I just wasn't expecting this at 8 years old, and I thought this would be a place I could share with other Mom's what a bummer it was to find it. I am doing my best after all, 2 kids in school, twin 2 year olds, it's just hard for me to find something like this (crazymama you are obviously less sensitive, which is fine.)
My daughter can be dramatic and this was part of a dramatic moment, I am sure. I thought maybe someone else had been through a moment similar.
I have a stack of I love you cards that she has made me that I cherish, this was just new and it just gave me pause.
Lovemy4 is a discussion leader for North Central Phoenix, tired mother of 4 great kids and wife to one great husband.
Lovemy4: I understand what
Lovemy4:
I understand what you are saying and how you feel.I didn't get the impression you were snooping.
Over the weekend we were rearranging my sons room and came across a little love note from one of the neighbor girls.
He was in the room with me as your daughter was with you.He blushed somewhat then we started laughing.Now I know are stories aren't the same necessarily, however I understand comming across somthing as you are cleaning.
And since you have a stack of love letters from your daughter I can imagine being shocked at the " I hate Mom".
I understand you wanting her to look at her words " Hate" is a strong word to use.The lesson here is even if it wasn't meant to be seen....sometimes in life things are seen or heard when it wasn't meant to.
I was reading these comments
I was reading these comments and found them upsetting.
It's like none of these people read what you wrote. You clearly stated that you were CLEANING OUT her drawer, that is not snooping. And 8 years old is a normal age for a kid to start using the word hate. I think you did the right thing to confront her and explain to her that hate is not just another word. I remember when I first used the word my mom gave that talk to me. To this day I can't say the word without hesitation.
This isn't the first time your daughter will feel anger towards you, but it's better for her to be open about it with you, than her hiding it away where it just builds for the next time she gets angry.
You already talked to her about it, so now you need to just forget it and let it go. Like you said, she is only 8.
Oh, ok Joyce - so you can't
Oh, ok Joyce - so you can't use the word hate, but you think it's appropriate to open a post with "I think your'e a (inappropriate term)"??
That seems a little hypocritical to me. If you are going to get on your high horse about the tone of another person's honest, albeit blunt, posting, then perhaps you shouldn't open yours with profanity. Just a suggestion.
Lovemy4 - when you post something on the internet in an open forum, you really don't have the right to expect nothing but hearts and flowers and affirmations in the response that you get.....that's not realistic.
I see that we already have a feeding frenzy going on crazymama......one that I won't join becuase I have to admit when I first read the original posting it brought me back to the time my father went into my room and read my diary when I was ten years old and read what I had to say about him and his drinking and abusive ways....I used to use it as a safe way to vent and I am sure I wrote that I hated him...which I didn't, I was just frustrated with him. He said he had every right to read it, and he said he was cleaning my room and it just "fell" open. I was punished severely and told not to dare express anger toward him, and my parents laid major guilt trips on me about how I could write such hateful things...I was grilled about every word I had written for hours, the door was taken from my room and all my privacy was lost. I still get angry when I think about how violated I felt. I had every right to my feelings, and I really feel like it was wrong of them to try and tell me I didn't. Perhaps something similar happened to Crazymama and it touched a nerve, who knows.
I think I'd be hurt if I found such a note from my son, but I'd probably take it in the context that who has not thought in a moment of anger they hate their parents. Of course they don't mean it - I know my son loves me, as sure as I know the sky is blue, so I wouldn't need to ask him if he meant that. I know he'd be so sorry and so upset at the thought he hurt me with what he wrote, so I would just let it go
I may be in the minority on this - I do think there is nothing wrong with a parent keeping up with what is going on in their child's lives and what is in their rooms - but I think you have to know when to pick your battles and call them out on things, and when to let them go.
I think there is a huge difference between a scribble from a frustrated eight year old and coming across a hit list or uncovering a cache of weapons in your teenager's room. More severe things need to be addressed immediately, but some things I feel we need to step back and recognize we can't control every thought and every emotion our children have. It doesn't mean I allow my son to disrespect me or sass me - but I know there are times he has been angry with me, and I don't try and tell him he's not entitled to his own emotions or lay a bunch of guilt trips on him as my parents did with me.
Just my opinion.
Katy, your not the minority
Katy, your not the minority in this, I agree with you.. I do find it amusing that we always have to put "my opinion".. What do all these mom think people are going to respond with?? Our opinion, and then we get blasted when it's not in agreement with theirs, or they just don't like it..I do think she should have gave a consequence for her kids lie.. not for her expression of anger..A little lie, turns into BIG lie's as they get older..Her daughter is starting to learn the "art of manipulation" mom needs to nip it in the but on the "lies" itself..
"just my opinion" hah
" just my Opinion"
Hey Katy, I wasn't expecting
Hey Katy, I wasn't expecting hearts and flowers, my point was that not all criticism is constructive, some is just plain criticism, with no intention to be helpful and as I stated I understand you can't pick what you get in this forum. Some people seem to think everything they post contains nuggets of wisdom or of interest and most do, but some really don't do more than criticize the writer and I don't think there are many of us who need more of that. (I'm not referring to Crazymama's post specifically, but in general) I'm all for constructive criticism, and we'll live with plain critics, but I think they can expect some criticism back.
On another note, sorry about the experience with your diary, sounds awful. Did you ever get your door back?
I agree there are much worse things than a scribbled note, the emotions of this thread makes it a bigger deal than I intended. I was just surprised and saddened by it, not devistated, angry or revengeful. And I think I handled in a way that was good for both of us, so I'm not trying to be a victim, it just seemed like something Mothers could come together and discuss. Seems like we could have a good discussion on privacy issues, maybe I'll start another thread.
Lovemy4 is a discussion leader for North Central Phoenix, tired mother of 4 great kids and wife to one great husband.
so what if you were
so what if you were snooping,, you have every right to snoop..parents that keep their heads buried in the sand are the parents who's kids have inappropiate pics of them on their my-space, and who sneak around and stuff.. You should have given your daughter a consequence for just "lying" to you.. 8 years old is old enought to know exactly what she was doing..
" just my Opinion"
Yes, it certainly was harsh
Yes, it certainly was harsh and if you're in a grumpy mood you should have waited to comment until your mood was better. Mood can definitely alter thoughts and feelings.
I don't think you were snooping at all, I agree you stumbled upon something in an inadvertent way while you were helping her go through things, it's not like you were in her room behind closed doors searching through drawers in hopes of finding something, now that would be considered snooping (crazymama). And on the subject of snooping, with out it being actually categorized as snooping, I think parents need to be aware of what's happening in their child's life whether it be taking the liberty to read things or not. Unfortunately in this day and age, children can get involved in things they shouldn't be at a young age, younger these days it seems than compared to the past and parents have to be assertive and on top of things that are going on in their child's life whether it be skimming a note they find or monitoring where they are on the computer. So Crazymama would you say that if a parent checked the websites their children went to on line that would be considered snooping as well. No the fact of the matter is it's all about being proactive and keeping children safe and being aware of what's going on their lives, it's not about snooping. There's a difference between giving a child privacy and respecting a child's privacy and being a parent and being aware of what's going on in their life and keeping abreast of their thoughts, feelings, and actions.
I commend you momto4 for what you did. If anything "crazymama" the daughter wasn't making an attempt to cuddle more or pay more attention to her mom because she thought her mom thought any less of her, it probably was because her daughter felt guilty about the note and what she had wrote and then knowing that her mom read those awful words that she probably didn't mean, but was mad at the time so she wrote what came to her first, but not actually meaning it that strongly.
That does stink, but just
That does stink, but just know that during these times they just still don't understand the difference between hate, and just being mad.
Lisa - Mom to her spunky little Scarlette
Don't you just hate these
Don't you just hate these learning moments that hurt? I know there will lots more for all of us. Here's to Motherhood!!!!
KarilouMomof2 is a discussion leader for arizonamoms.com living in Tempe. Her daughters are 9 and 6.
Hate is one of those words
Hate is one of those words that kids learn quickly can hurt mom. I used to say it to my mom. Did I mean it? Maybe I thought so while angry, but no, I didn't hate my mom. I have a great relationship with her now. But there were days I could be a pill and that I thought she was unfairly strict.
Now 25 or so years later, I'm getting the occasional "hate" thrown out. My daughter is about the same age as yours and has written me notes saying I am a big meanie and that she hates me or hates that I'm being mean. I try to respond like it isn't a huge deal (honestly, sometimes I find it funny because I did it to my mom - life is just a circle) and I tell her that I understand she's feeling angry, but I don't appreciate her saying such a mean word - hate. She throws it out whenever I'm laying down rules. I tell her then that I'm setting rules so that she grows up to be a respectful adult.
I think you know all this intellectually, but yes, words do hurt. And you have a right to hurt...just try to find perspective and let it go. You don't need to stress over this. Good luck
Lovemy4: I think how you
Lovemy4: I think how you reacted was perfect. It may hurt when you first read the note. Because, of course thats just instant emotions running. But after you thought about it, im sure you feel a tiny bit better about it and realize. Shes just 8 years old. She doesnt hate you, she loves you sooo much. Why do you think shes more affectionate now? Letting her know that "hate" is an intense word and emotion was good. It will make her think twice about using it again. I think thats a good lesson for an 8 year old. We as parents have to be prepared to hear things at an earlier age than when we were kids. We have to expect the unexpected and this is a good example of that. resloving the issue is the best thing you can do.
I can recall the only time I ever told my mom I hated her was when i was 9. I didnt was to take a bath, so I stuck my toung out at her and told her i hated her. She was initially very angry with me and I got a pop in my mouth ( i guess that would be the difference b/w then and now). After i took my bath, we talked and just like you did she told me about the word hate. Apologized for popping me and said she was just very angry. Since then, I thought about that very moment when my FOUR yr old daughter starting using the word hate.& she would use it for everything " i hate this tv show" "I hate this toy, mom" . Minus the slap in the mouth, I discussed it with her the meaning of this word. My 4yr old has never said it since and uses " I dont like" now. So if it can make an impact on my 4yr old. It will make an impact the way you handled it with you 8yr old.
My daughter tells me
My daughter tells me everyday, atleast once, that she hates me. She is 12 years old, and the hormones are flowing. I know she doesn't hate me. What she does not like is I have rules and consequences for her behavior and actions, and I do not cave in to her trying to push my buttons. I think it frustrates her that I just go on and ignore her "I hate you!!" outbursts, but I do respond when she tells me "I love you", and I let her know I love her.
I know this sounds bad, but in the past I would respond to the "I hate you's" and it was always an ugly battle. Now I just don't choose to make this one of my battles to fight.
What matters is at the end of everyday she tells me "I love you Mom", and I let her know how much I love her.
At least you get "I love
At least you get "I love you's", dottiewin. My 14 year daughter tells me everytime I see her (which isn't often) that she hates me and that I ruin everything such as coming over for T-Day dinner. I try hard to ignore the raging hormones and tell her to get over it, but it makes her happy when she gets the last word in when I don't say anything to her. I have even tried telling her "I love you" when she throws "I hate you" towards me. It was a site to be seen, I'm sure. The only thing she likes to do with me is argue. Reading your post gave me some encouragement. I know that the teenage years are temporary and the "I hate you's" will go away in time too.
Wow, guess I need to toughen
Wow, guess I need to toughen up for the teen years, they sound trying!
Lovemy4 is a discussion leader for North Central Phoenix, tired mother of 4 great kids and wife to one great husband.
You deserve it, so get over
You deserve it, so get over it.