Right to privacy vs. parents' right to supervise

My oldest is about to turn 10 (boy) and he trusts me completely. I go through his room from time to time and if I find something I'll very nicely, and withouth judgement or attitude in my voice ask him about it. I say it like that because my husband does not. You can tell when he's not being 100% truthful and we always work it out.

I think that it's OK to go through your kids stuff because you are trying to keep them safe. The key is not getting caught! When they get older and more secretive you want to be able to find the juicy stuff still. If they know you snoop around, they are going to find other places to hide things.

If you do find something, ask them a general question about the subject and get them talking. They may rat themselves out on accident!

I think that if you trust your kids and they have a strong relationship with you and communicate back and forth then everything is going to be OK.

The whole MySpace thing scares me though. No one in my family will EVER have that. Too many creepy people out there. You really want to keep an eye on that!

I caught my son on MySpace once when he wasn't supposed to be on it and decided, since it was up, to check it out...both my sons' sites. They weren't too happy about it but I did get a glimpse into what they were up to and what was on their sites. A few things I had my kids take off. Mostly they learned that I can look if I want to and that they had better be sure to keep it clean and friendly. I have checked only once since and they were following the rules. The important thing is that they know I will check so they do the right thing.

Having said that...just because they don't write something on a website or in a diary doesn't mean they aren't doing anything bad! A parent's best bet is still to talk to their kids and keep those lines of communication open. If I thought they were up to something, I would scale back their activities and do some snooping. My kids might actually tell me if I asked them point blank, but I doubt it!

We tell our kids, "We'll give you enough rope...until you hang yourself and then we'll have no choice but to rein you in!" They get that and they have hung themselves a few times. We give them a fair amount of freedom provided their grades are good and they participate in our family life. They have chores that have to get done and some babysitting to help out with and if they are in good standing with us, we let them go a bit. We do know who they hang out with and where they're going. They know we have friends who will talk and tell on them and they know their friends' parents and we are in contact. That helps a bit. But let's face it, there's no way of preventing your kids from doing bad things. As a parent, we just have to hope that they use their heads once in a while.

As far as how long our rules apply...I say as long as we are paying the bills!

I dont think kids need total privacy. If its given they will take full advantage. Heres what comes to mind about these privacy rules:

When i was a tween/teenager, I had alot of my own privacy. I took full advantage of it. eventually I never felt the need to speak to my mom about things because we hadnt established a "what will get me in trouble if I ask/or she knows i know about/or she finds out something ive done" rule. So ultimatly she would find out when i left things in my pants pockets. ( notes and whatnots) Its sad but thats how she found out I thought I was pregnant. ( @ 17)

Anyway, what im saying is that maybe if our communication lines were more open and just maybe if my mom snooped a bit about what was going on with me. Things might have been different. Not that now I want them to because I think god for my daughter. No one wants there kids to face problems alone, and maybe just a quick cleaning of the room and talking to them will ( in the long run) be just what they needed.

My oldest is 20, as with her and all of my kids I have had the lines for communication completely open, about anything!! When I was a teenager, I was afraid to talk to my own mother, and vowed that my kids wouldn't be afraid to talk with me. So, in respect to the privacy matter? I think that it depends on you and your child. Do you feel like you want to know everything that is going on? Ask them. Are you offended when they don't share something with you? (I am!!) "Snooping" is a related trust issue between you and your child! And again, it really depends on you and the child. In a personal note, I had the 'pleasure' of cleaning my 18 year old son's room when he moved out.....he didn't share much with me, and I found out too much about him after cleaning that room, more than I really wanted to know. :-(

Kelli
www.lovealwayschildcareaz.com

I think you are 100% correct! I would, and did, do what ever I needed to protect my Children up to and including ANYTHING.

I do not think a manual is a good ide. I think a Family meeting or talk is in order so that the Children know they are loved unconditionaly and as Parents we will do anything to protect them, guide them, teach them and to insure their success in life. To do this we may have to, with good reason only, look at things they feel we should not. They should be told the reason you looked at what you did but NO VOTE etc should take place.

You must always remember that you two, as Parents are bringing that Child through the "correct" path in life. They are your responsability and as such you must make the rules and that must be understood. If all things are done correctly by all parties these tough choices will not have to be made by YOU, the Parents.

If after the action is done and you want to discuss it as a Family that is fine as long as all agree.

I know this all sounds tough etc but you are the Parents, the Family is not brining each other up. You, the Parents are bringing up the Children and you alone must make those tough calls. If, you were to go by your "Family Rules", had a vote and something because of the Familys advice went wrong with that Child would you want that guilt on the other Children? Would you say to yourself, "it's not our fault, we all voted", of course you would not.

Suck it up Mom and Dad, it is a tough job and you know what? You have to do it. Know what else? You are going to do just fine.

My Dad told me a very smart thing once. It took me a while before I understood what he meant but fter a while I did. He said "You have to love your Children enough to have to hurt them sometimes". Sure wish he was here now.

Just my, and my Dads, point of view.