Hello Girls!
Any tips on teenage step daughters or share your experiences and triumphs.
Just an example of what we are up against....
I have been in her life for over 7 years now. She and I have our moments of closeness, but more or less she has always made it firm I am NOT the mom. I understand her feelings and I dont push the envelope with her, I know my boundries in better words. She and I don't have alot in common especially now that she is preteen, she has her taste in music, she totally is into her mother's lifestyle of clubbing and parties. I am not jealous of this, I am afraid she will follow her mom. Her mom has had alot of heartache due to how she chooses to live. We have tried obtaining custody, but after his kids made it clear they wanted nothing to do with living with us, He backed off. I think he was hurt. I try to bring up counseling for them and ways for him to connect but no attempts have been made.
I am really concerned for her now, she has been caught with boys breaking into empty apartments at the complex her mother's brother stays in. I can go on and on but I wont. Just that she needs guidance and to know she is loved here.
She loves Hip Hop, but the music has alot to do with sex... That is why I dont care for it, ugh it bugs me to hear kids sing lyrics on some of these songs. And the videos, hmm...
I dont discipline my stepkids, I comment what they are doing wrong, but I dont "ground, or punish". MY CHOICE... Because I am very protective of my own children I would rather scold my own and punish my own, so when I have a problem or they are doing something they shouldn't I leave it for the dad to work out with them. I admit the outcome of dad punishments are not what I always expect them to be, but they are ultimately his kids. I dont want the drama from the mama either.
On that note, I am trying to think of ways to connect with her or ideas for outings and hang outs.
Maricky M Abril
marickyabril@hotmail.com
I feel your concern....I am
I feel your concern....I am in the same boat as you. My oldest step daughter is 9 and thankfully isn't into that boy stage yet. But she did say something the other day that totally caught us off guard the other day. We were watching a movie and there was a kissing scene and she goes "ooh look they are going to french kiss". The hubby and I looked at each other in shock, but I am the same way that you are I refuse to discipline them in hopes that the hubby will step in and do his part but like you say that is often a failure or in one ear and right out the other.
Sorry for sharing my drama but it is so good to know that I'm not the only one in that same situation. One thing that I have tried doing to connect with her is doing crafts. Sounds like your step-daughter is alot older. Maybe take her out shopping, just you and her, stop for lunch or ice cream and use it for bonding time. I've noticed the only time my step-daughter will open up is when no one is around.
You say you have been in
You say you have been in your daughters life for 7 years huh? How old is your step-daughter. I became part of a meshed family when I was 6 years old. I've always called my step-mom; mom because I felt she was. I honestly wish she would have stood up to me and dished out punishments instead of having my dad do it. As a kid I felt like she was just pawning me off on my dad. I'd test her too, and that's all she would do. I think it shows that you won't put up with their (inappropriate term), and that you deserve respect. Mom or not you are still part of a family unit.
Lisa - Mom to her spunky little Scarlette
I do put my foot down or
I do put my foot down or comment on certain behaivor to his children as I would do my own... I just don't scream at them as if they were my own, put the smack down or "ground" them. I do tell them to put thing away, clean up after themselves (which by the way she is very neat, she amazes me how neat she is), turn the stereo or tv down. I have scolded them a few times for things they got into or doing that would harm them or the other kids, that is when she usually pointed out I am not her mama... Really she only did this when she was younger 5-9 years...
The thing is I dont think it is her only that I am up against, her mom has a HUGE influence on her, she adores her mother.But her mom isn't there for her, she is usually left alone with her grandma, aunts or uncles when she is supposed to be with her mom. Her mom does work now, but before she hadn't for most of the years I have known them. Even then it was the same, instead she was out with friends and men.
The issue from the beginning with her mother was when he and I first were together they were separated already 2 years, I was the 1st relationship since their split, she was still possesive of him even being in a relationship herself. Anyways, her and I were cool from the day we met, she showed no animosity towards me but behind my back they would tease his "A" bout my daughter being his new princess and such. Which by the way she despised her for the longest. I admit I did resent how she treated her, but felt some understanding so I didn't show it. They kinda get along now but my daughter is not really into what she is at this time and my kid has friends she is with all the time now, A excludes herself from things like friends in the neighborhood or going to the park, she would rather lock herself in the room and blast the radio or surf the web. "A" is very stubborn and has no sense of consequences because she has never really been disciplined, by her mom nor her dad. She has been scolded yes but no action taken to her whatsoever. She isn't a monster and at one point would open up to me here and there, I am just scared for her, scared she is going to make the wrong decisions and hurt herself or put herself in difficult situations. I was a teen mom and very rebelious, I had to learn the hardway, my son is now 16 I am only 32 (do the math). I have overcame so much, but that was only because I had parents that NEVER gave up on me....
Maricky M Abril
marickyabril@hotmail.com
I'm not a step-mom, but I do
I'm not a step-mom, but I do have an almost teen age daughter. My husband is her step-father, so I understand the sometimes difficult role a step parent plays.
Something that we do to bond is girls night. Once a week my husband watches our younger kids and only K and I go out for a couple of hours. Kind of like date night with your kid. She knows she has my undivided attention. It's surprising how much she will open up just while driving. I don't make a battle of what we do, so she normally gets to pick. Usually we see a movie (and I must admit it's nice to get to see chick flicks). We've also done dinner, pedicures, painting painting. I personally try to stay away from shopping since it normally revolves around her and can get pricey. Maybe you could alternate who gets to chose the activity.
Is there anything she is
Is there anything she is into other than hip hop music that you could try and suggest that you two do together and maybe that would help with bonding. I can imagine during the teenage years it's difficult to try and bond with a teenager parent or step parent if that bonding hasn't already formed in the younger years. However, if maybe there is something she likes to do or is interested in getting involved with maybe you guys could do it together. For example if she has an interest in painting pottery maybe you guys could go and do that together or if she likes going to the movies maybe you guys could go and see a new release together .. just schedule some girl time together.
I don't have any step
I don't have any step chilldren but I do have four children and have been through the pre teen trials four times now. I think she is a little too far into risky behavior for you and your husband to make an impact on her lifestyle. The one thing I would do though is somehow convey to her that you and your husband are always there for her. That if she ever needs the two of you the door is always open. I must admit though, you need to be careful. I know your husband loves her and I'm sure you do too, but she can end up influencing YOUR childlren. I know how hard this is for you and I truly hope everything turns out well for you and your family.
Paz
I'm sorry you are going
I'm sorry you are going through this but as a step-mom, I find it odd that after you've been with her dad for 7-years she is still considered "his" kid vs. "your" kid. We do not use those terms in our house, nor do we refer to any of the kids as "yours" mine", etc. I have three children whether it's naturally or not. After 7-years I'm surprised there isn't some kind of bond. Are you trying? Kids will be kids, it's the adults that need to rise above that. I see your concern but nothing to assist. Actions speak louder than words. If you've mentioned counseling and no response, perhaps schedule counseling and see if they go. Be proactive in your actions. Sit and talk, go for a drive, walk to the park to try to break the wall this preteen has. If your husband isn't doing it, there is nothing wrong with you doing it for him because after all, "they" are your family whether blended or not. She needs constructive discipline as well. After 7-years, you should be able to do more with them. Good luck!
There is no way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a good one!
Explaining the situation, I
Explaining the situation, I do have to emphasize his, mine, ours.. I do try... I thought I made that clear. I do know they are my family, I have always considered "them" mine.
Scheduling counseling, as a matter of fact I did schedule an appt with her Ped for a referral, we will see if they go. She was supposed to stay the summer but her mom is giving in and telling her she can come home... I came into their life 7 years ago yes, and yes I always tried new ways to bond. I have done more with them (activities) and homework help, projects than the mom ever has, even dates with just them while my kids were with their father. Now that they are older, she is clinging to her mom even more because she longs for that relationship or they have more in common I dont know, but now she says we are boring... I know kids will be kids, I have 6 and 2 of them are teen boys. I love and care for her, if I didnt I would try, I would just be posting complaints of her. Her brother is easy going I have no complaints for either of the kids, they annoy me just like my own, but they touch my heart in special ways just like my own.
The advice I was searching for from this post is basically ideas. I expected criticism, but my post only consist of the basics. I can go into further detail but that could take hours of typing... Thanks for your reply GlendaleMom
Maricky M Abril
marickyabril@hotmail.com
Awesome! Hopefully they go
Awesome! Hopefully they go to the appt to get the referral. If not, at least you tried. I wonder since she is preteen if you can sit down and with her more openly, but still limit some? I know I've done that with our 8-year old when she seems to be bothered, easily frustrated, etc. I sit her down and ask if anything is bothering her, if there is anything I can do to help her along, etc. Good luck!!
There is no way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a good one!
As a matter of fact I made
As a matter of fact I made arrangements a few hours ago for the younger ones to go to my mom's so she and I can go to the mall, or something.
Thanks
There is no way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a good one!
Maricky M Abril
marickyabril@hotmail.com
Awesome!!
Awesome!!
There is no way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a good one!
I feel your frustration, and
I feel your frustration, and understand fully about the children's mother and the drama. Unfortunately I have been in my stepdaughters life since she was 3mths old...Yes she was a slip up before I met my now husband. One would think that the step would also be omitted from my vocabulary, but I'm sorry to say that it isn't.. I don't know how many have taking Sociology but even with biological childern the daughter wants to be in the mothers place and the son wants to be in the fathers place, and it's 10x fold when it's step. She goes home and I'm sure her head is filled with negative ideas and thoughts about me which in no way have been warranted. I'm sure she doesn't even know my maiden name! But the fact of the matter is (I do have a 14 year old son which gets along with his stepdad I'm sure because of his own nonchalant personality) if both parents don't agree and use the same rules and regulations that way we're on the same page as far as chores and discplinary actions around the house....It won't work! My situation may be slightly different from yours..I don't discipline when I do I can see his eyebrow go up..it's my child that gets spanked or at least use to he's now 14 and she's 11. He also has a 17 year old son and a 16 year old nephew that he took on the responsibility for. But my son is the only one that gets chastized to do chores and clean his room before he goes to school, and that isn't fair to him, but it's my rules. Unfortunately after 11 years together it appears since his children like to call themselves tattling on me because they dont like the way I told them that they can't come downstairs until their room is clean it may end in divorce. No one has to tell them to come downstairs to eat though. When he is told about their behavior nothing is done so I pretty much just handle it the way I see fit....FYI none of his 3 children's parents contribute to the househould bills and food and bye the ages i'm sure you know their appetite! The husband doesn't say anything, but he gets all quiet and then I know this is a day one of the kids must have told them something. But oh well after such a long period of time of being with him don't know how much more I can take.....
Nikki
I completely understand
I completely understand where you are coming from. I have been involved in my stepdaughter life since she was 16mos old, she is now 10. She adores her mother, which she should but is very hard for us to grasp on to, because we always see her mother’s true colors. Daughter is now going thru that preteen stuff, and her mother treats her like her friend & treats her like an adult and there is no discipline from her mother. She has a really hard time at our house because of this. When she gets out of line like all tweens do because they are testing we have to pull her back and explain what is expectable and praise her when she is good. She is often distant with me and I still tell/show her how much she is loved & cared for and we do go out just her and I, we have a great time. I really feel her mom plays a role in how much daughter has to do with me, feelings and all. I have never given up on her and still let her know how much she means to me. I think by showing and demonstrating how committed we are to her will pay off in the long run and that’s what it is about. I read an article about toddlers & tweens and how similar they are and discipline should be about the same. And my personal thoughts are once they start wanting/showing independence our job as parents is done (what I mean is teaching wrong from right); we now just have to guide them. I'm sure you and your husband are good people she will see that and want to be like you, what you two have demonstrated as adults she may see is the right way. Just keep loving her and never give up, she will thank you later for living a good life and setting examples for her to follow in her adult life. Good luck and hang in there, you are a good step mom just for caring enough to reach out.
Life is full of gifts, enjoy each and everyone of them.
I am not a step mom, and I
I am not a step mom, and I was an only child, but what my mom did to connect with me is she would take me with her while she grocery shopped. And she would listen about all my drama. She often looked the other way when i would go through "phases"... i.e. punk, rap, whatever. Now Im 20 with 2 kids of my own and I have the best relationship with my mom.