Please give me some help on this.. Our little spirited 2 yr old has started the "NO" stage!!! She has even started saying "HUHGH" now after we say don't tell is NO Brooke. She says HUHGH and then we have to say don't tell us HUHGH Brooke... Any tips? Advice on this?
Elizabeth is a discussion leader for arizonamoms she writes about everything from her needing mommy advice to crazy and silly stuff that happens. She lives in the West Valley with her husband and 3 children.
Consistency, keep up telling
Consistency, keep up telling her we don't say no, or we don't tell mommy and daddy no ... the key to it is consistency and she'll catch on soon enough. It's a new word or thing for her to do so hopefully it will phase out soon enough. Good luck!!
I read this in Parenting
I read this in Parenting magazine and it usually works pretty well...say no by actually saying yes (with a condition)...e.g., Yes, you may have a cookie after you eat your broccoli. Yes, you may play in the park after you take a nap. Hope this works for you, too!
I agree with LaraPiu...We do
I agree with LaraPiu...We do this too. I'll probably get beat up for this, but my kids are allowed to tell us no - politely. We won't accept rudeness, but they are allowed to make their case, if they disagree or think that we're being unfair. They've become quite skilled at negotiating! We are often heard saying, "I'm sorry" to one of our kids and we've been known to reverse a decision when they've made a good case. Most people think that we're going to confuse them and that we shouldn't permit "backtalk", but we find that as long as they are respectful, they get over their complaint a lot faster, by being allowed to express their frustrations. Often we just listen to their "backtalk", nodding with validation and then simply reiterate why they still can't do such and such. They feel "heard" and the grumbles die down. With this attitude, "NO!" simply doesn't push our buttons anymore.
I saw a documentary once that showed how much power a parent can gain, simply by offering the child validation. The mom said that it was time for bed and of course the kid screamed no. The mom responded, over and over again with statements like, "you don't want to go to bed"..."you think this is not fair"..."you want to keep playing"...all the while, she carried her child to the bed, gently lowered his head to the pillow and pulled up the blanket. The child was so busy agreeing with the mom, that he simply let down his guard and stopped fighting her. My 8 yr old son has taken to writing up a "bill" for us if he thinks that we spoke harshly to him, or his brother. If he gets really angry, he goes off and drafts one up. He's even written up contracts and petitions for his brother to sign! (He's actually got 22 names of cousins, neighbors and friends, on his petition against Steven King - because the cover of the DVD "IT" that he saw in the store scared him).
I fully admit that I may permit more "backtalk" because I have boys, because I see my friends who have girls, extremely focused on their daughters being "polite" and I actually sort of cringe when I heard them say, "don't you ever speak to a grown up that way!". I'm sure that it's paranoia, but I always remeber a quote from John Walsh who said that they taught their son Adam to never talk back to adults, but they never taught him how to scream.
I know that I'm off the subject, but I guess that I'm just discussing a philosophy...an approach to parenting that throws out the notion of "obedience" and focuses on teaching. I just vote for a mom to say, "yelling no at mommy hurts my feelings" rather then "don't you dare say no to me!". Which, I realize is easier said than done sometimes. But, it's much easier to say it to a 2 yr old, than a more determined 4 yr old, and it's a good habit to start early.
I also picked up something from a friend...she never says, "get down - you'll fall!". She says, "get down, you might fall - you might not - but you might", because she found that her kids would believe with all their hearts that mom was wrong, because once they did climb that high and didn't fall! This way, she agrees that they might not get hurt at all, and that gives them pause to consider what she's saying. I copied that and I was amazed at how it caught my kids' attention!
"Only a life lived for others, is the life worthwhile" - Albert Einstein
I woudn't beat you up for
I woudn't beat you up for this....I don't have the same approach as you in all aspects, but dealing with my son is like dealing with an attorney at times....he is a great negotiator, and I like this because I want him to be able to assert himself....so I agree in the sense that there is a difference between allowing a child to speak rudely and with disrespect to adults, and allowing a child to be heard and make a case for something in an articulate manner. I feel that parents have to be careful about this, however and not confuse it with allowing a child to say anything they want to them, use names, or belittle them....and I think there are times when a parent has to stand their ground or the child does not respect them.
I always want my son to know that his thoughts and feelings are valued - when I was a child I was not allowed to express anger -ever! My father would tell me not to dare be angry with him....and I don't want my son to bottle up his anger, that isn't healthy....so when I can tell he's angry with me about something I tell him it is ok to tell me he's mad and why....it doesn't mean I'll give in to his demands, but he's got a right to his feelings.
I am not going to lis and say I have never gotten exasperated and ended a conversation with "because I am your mother and I said so"......but I try to avoid that, if I am going to say no about something, I give the supporting reason.
I have alse heard the same thing about Adam Walsh.....it made me think!
I agree completely! When my
I agree completely! When my kids speak harshly, I exagerate a look of surpirse and simply say, "did you want to adjust your tone of voice?" and they always do. Despite the fact that 90% of the time, my husband is an enlightened modern man, there are times, when he's tired and falls back on the way he was raised - very authoritarian, and he'll step up to the line that the kids have drawn in the sand and attempt to show them who's boss. It's frankly ridiculous and never works to get his point across. He's sometimes say, "well I never got away with that!" (not picking up his toys). I'll say, "oh yeah, are you sure?" and he'll say, "yes, I remember being scolded for it". To which I remind him that he was being scolded BECAUSE he WASN'T doing it - the exact same thing that our kids are doing! This makes him laugh and realize that it's perfectly acceptable parenting to ASK our kids to pick up their toys in 15 minutes when they are done with what their doing or can make a stopping point. Often, we negotiate the time frame too. We'll ask the kids to stop and pick up in 10 minutes and they come back and ask for 20 minutes. We counter with 15 and they counter with 16. To that, we say, "deal!" and we shake on it. They are happy to have been listened to, and they really do comply at that point. They know that if they want the power to negotiate, then they have to honor their word. It's worked well for us. It was always too cute when they would negotiate as toddlers, because they often negotiated in the wrong direction and I got compliance sooner than I was needing!
I've had friends though, who are very rigid and believe that kids will not be able to understand anything that's inconsistent. Yet, my kids were able to understand very well that they could bounce on my bed, but not at their aunt's house, etc. They get a whole lot more than people give them credit for. A friend of mine is militant about the words that her kids use and grounds them if they say, "hate" (as in "I hate peas"). Meanwhile, I taught my guys that words have as much power as you give them and it depends upon how you say it. I gave them examples by saying, "you're SUCH a STOVE!" in a mean way. Then, I pointed out that "stove" isn't a "bad" word. Likewise, I explain that there are words that when used, show poor manners and can insult some people, so that we should be careful to treat people with respect, by choosing our words carefully.
I think that it's important for kids to be able to express the full range of their feelings and then have that expression guided and modeled. For girls, they need to know that being angry is okay. For my boys, I need them to know that all of the OTHER emotions are okay for them too!
I'm sure that this is how everyone feels, but it sure isn't always easy to carry these ideas into practice - esp when you have to make a split second call between two fighting kids! But, as I point out to my husband, we can easily yell "ENOUGH - not another sound out of either of you!", but if we take the time to address the hurt feelings of both of them, and help show them a solution to their problems, then they will grow up with a sense of justice. But, it does take a lot more effort and time.
It's hard for me to see how putting soap in a kid's mouth is teaching them anything other than the fact that the bigger, stronger person, gets their way. If there are other lessons, I think that they are lost by being overshadowed. I feel this way, because I have lost my cool many times and my kids say these things and I realize that they didn't get what I wanted to teach them, so I failed at that moment. When I do, I apologize and we brainstorm about different way to handle it next time. It's too hard to justify why it's okay for me to hit/put soap in mouths/scream when I feel that the kid's been sassy, but then turn around and scold my older son for attempting the same tactics when he feels that his borther has been rude. The "I'm the mother" argument simply teaches the kids to envoke a "I'm the bigger kid" or "I'm the older kid" mentality.
But, damn, this parenting gig is SO much harder than I ever thought it would be! So joyful, yet so emotionally draining at times. But, what else is worth such effort?
"Only a life lived for others, is the life worthwhile" - Albert Einstein
Optimist, this is an
Optimist, this is an extremely thoughtful quote and makes me think about the power of words. Very good points that you brought up.....
DesertMom
http://ppdsurvivor.blogspot.com
I read this article too and
I read this article too and it has worked wonders for me! My son does the Ugh thing too, but thats ok with me- it makes me laugh!
I remember back in college
I remember back in college majoring in Elementary Education, a professor telling the class to not use the word "no" because it becomes the only word the child knows.
Thank goodness I used the advise. I always say," please don't climb," or, "please close the door." I try not to use the word "no" in our house when speaking to our 16 month old.
A little girl that comes to my home twice a week is 19 months old, and she uses the word "no no" very frequently. I try to distract her from saying it so the others don't learn it as their first word.
One Happy Mom in Arizona.
I don't remember that this
I don't remember that this was every really an issue with my son.....I didnt go out of my way to avoid the word "no".....if he was doing something I didn't want him to do I just got on his level and said "don't do that"...or "stop it, you'll get hurt" or whatever applied.....I don't think you can omit the word "no" completely, it doesn't make sense to do so, but then again if all you say is "no" without any other detail, they don't learn anything from that. I just talked to him on his level, but I didn't talk down to him, if that makes any sense. Sometimes I hear other people talking to their children in a very sing song way that almost seems phony.....I can't imagine I'd respond well if someone talked to me like that, and I think kids can sense when people aren't being real.....so I never did that with my son, it just made more sense to me to keep things no-nonsense and speak plainly to him......but that's just my way. We have always gotten compliments on his behavior......but maybe I just lucked out and he was very easy!
Great tips ladies. I will
Great tips ladies. I will be putting some of these into practice. =)
I agree with you Katy and
I agree with you Katy and did exactly the same thing.
thanks....I like to keep it
thanks....I like to keep it real.....lol
This is a little off this subject.....but I never got into a lot of "baby talk" when my son was little....after he was born and I was learning to care for him, my husband remarked that I didn't talk to the baby.........I didn't know what to say, I had never cared for an infant before.......so I just decided to talk to him like I would talk to anyone else.....I didn't dumb things down for him, or use baby talk or syrupy accents......I just talked to him about everything, I joked with him, I explained things to him....my mother in law cared for him a lot, and she related to him much the same way......a lot of love and a lot of plain talk......and I am no parenting expert, but when he started talking, he always spoke clearly and articulated, and he was able to hold a conversation with anyone....I hope that in some way this helped him!
A little more on the topic,
A little more on the topic, I decided that the more of a game I make things, the easier time for all. When my two year old wouldn't pick up his blocks, I picked up a couple of blocks and made them have a conversation...."Oh blockie#1, I'm so tired and I want to go home, but I'm lost"..."yes, me too, can anyone show us the way home?". My son always jumped up to rescue them! LOL. Once I remember my son (3) playing when my husband told him to put his overalls in the laundry. My son refused and my husband commanded him more harshly. My son still refused. Just when my husband was about to lose his cool, I chimed in...I said in a panicked, voice, "Superman! Help! Those pants are made of Kryptonite(sp?) and you've got to get them out of her before they weaken your powers!". My son stopped dead in his tracks, grabbed a drum stick to scoop up the pants and carried them to the laundry. My son went back to playing and I walked away, leaving my husband standing there to process what he saw. It took him a few years of parenting to adjust his expectations that as the parent, he should insist on obedience. I spent years trying to get him to change his framework and realize that discipline is about teaching. Is the goal to get the child to obey, or is the goal to teach the child how to pick up the toys? I got the task accomplished and my son gained one more personal experience of physically completing the task himself, from which his brain could draw upon in the furture. Young children get easily overwhelmed with cleaning - it a complex sorting task. I recall how daunting it was to fully understand how to adjust all of the stations on the sprinkler timer, the first time that I did it. Now, after many tries, I could do it blindfolded - and key is the fact that I won't shy away from the task, because I have confidence in doing it. The more creative ways that you can get your child to do what is expected, the more likely he'll comply. Even that book, "Parenting for Dummies" suggests that if you are blue in the face from scolding your kids to put down the toilet seat, for example, - STOP scolding and try something else. Tape a note to the wall that reads, "after you've done your duty, please close my lid - thank you, Mr. Toilet". It's dumb, but it works!
"Only a life lived for others, is the life worthwhile" - Albert Einstein
Although I love the whole
Although I love the whole Superman/Kryptonite scenario (how creative that is!), I still think that it's essential for you to be able to give your child a command and for your child to obey. Because there may be a time when there is an emergency, or say your child is standing in the middle of the street and a car is coming,..... you're not going to have time to come up with a creative way to get him/her to move.
DesertMom
http://ppdsurvivor.blogspot.com
True, but I'll tell you
True, but I'll tell you what, BECAUSE I don't (try not to) use my "obey" voice for every little thing, they FULLY understand obey when the time comes, which it has. It was shockingly powerful, because they knew it was a different voice and it got their attention immediately!
"Only a life lived for others, is the life worthwhile" - Albert Einstein
It was never a problem with
It was never a problem with my 11 yr old son either. But my daughter that just turned 2 it's bad. I love all these ideas. Off the subject of our 2 yr old.... I LOVE LOVE the idea of having the child be able to make his case.. My 11 yr old is very respectful and is a great kid. (needs some help in being lazy in school but that's another subject I need ya'll to help with)!!! Love the advice!!!
Anyway, he's a great kid but when he does get in trouble for forgetting his homework or something, I like to hear him out. My husband is so cut and dry with :"stop talking you didn't do as your were told, your grounded from your xbox360"... My son will say "but" (in a respectful way) and my husband will cut him off and say "I don;t want to hear it, stop talking". I will say "no, finish what your were saying" and sometimes it's a legitimate reason. My husband is my son's step dad and he adopted him when he was 3. They are very close and are very much alike in so many ways but I feel like my husband doesn't nurture him as much as he should. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that he didn't have him as a tiny baby like our other two little ones. He sees my 11 yr old as somehow "more capable" than the other two so he is harsher on him. granted I don't think you can be that harsh on a 2 yr old and a 6 month old. My husband swears that when the other two get older and they pull some of the stuff with school work that my 11 has pulled he will be just as harsh on them. I just find it hard to believe. I am constantly sticking up or my 11 yr even when I prob shouldn't b/c I am so sensitive about this... My husband is your typical overachiever that only made one "B" and that was in college. He expects way to much.. Either that or I am not expecting enough?
Elizabeth is a discussion leader for arizonamoms she writes about everything from her needing mommy advice to crazy and silly stuff that happens. She lives in the West Valley with her husband and 3 children.
I think that men in general
I think that men in general just think in more black and white terms. I have to put things to my husband in terms that he understands - work terms. When he gets exasperated, he frequently reminds me that "they (the kids) don't need a lawyer and "it sounds like" I'm "making excuses" for them. I have to relate the situation to a problem that he might encounter at work. At work, does he look for the root cause of a problem, as well as all contributing factors? Sure he does. The kids are no different. Just because I CONSIDER that fact that the kid missed his nap and is very over tired, is running a fever, is hungry, scared, or whatever...doesn't mean that I'm making excuses. I may simply give the kid a snack, cuddle him on my lap, offer some Tylenol AS I discuss why they can't continue to behave in that manner and why they must "make it right" with an apology, etc. Just a few nights ago, my son balked at taking a toy back to his room. My husband was ready to insist, without considering why the kid put up a fight. I thought for a second and realized that the hall light and every other light was off. A reminder or two later, my husband was offering to turn on the light and walk part of the way with my son. The toy got put back - problem solved. I just wish the guys were able to tune in a little more! I just think that even if the kid is full of excuses, it's still helpfult o know what the kid's thinking to address that too! "Seek first to understand and then to be understood" is not making excuses - it's good parenting!
"Only a life lived for others, is the life worthwhile" - Albert Einstein
Obviously I know you all and
Obviously I know you all and know how much your husband loves your eldest son, so I can't imagine him treating him harsher than your other kids when they get older. But, I do think you have an excellent point about expectations. Although my kids' father and I have always had very similar expectations for our kids (academically, in sports, creatively, etc.), we had polar opposite expectations with regards to discipline. Unfortunately, I didn't speak up enough when I felt he was being too harsh on the kids. The resentment of always having to come to their defense, (like explaining why they were extra grumpy, or why they didn't understand why he was angry), really grated on me. It definitely had an impact on our marriage breaking up.
What I would do in your place is sit down and really talk to your husband about how you feel about his discipline of your eldest (without comparing the way he disciplines him versus your other kids) and see if you both can work together on this issue so that you no longer feel uncomfortable or like you have to be extra-protective of your son.
DesertMom
http://ppdsurvivor.blogspot.com