Jealous Brother

Wow, I can relate! It's been a while, but we still talk about how my oldest daughter threw a sippy cup AT HER SISTER'S HEAD, only three days after she was born! Almost nine years later, we laugh about it...but I know how hard it is to take while it is happening.

Did the baby just start crawling recently? I know in our house and a lot of other friends, that when the baby starts crawling (and getting into the older sibling's things and 'bothering' them) that it got a lot worse before it got better...when the older sibling realized this cute little baby now is mobile enough to interfere in their lives.

Three was the most turbulent year for our oldest daughter...four was much better.

One thing that helped us, is that I would take my older daughter out to lunch or breakfast once a week...away from the house, just her and I. (Or just with Dad). She loved this special attention and I think it helped her not to be so jealous.

A book that helped me understand sibling rivalry A LOT is: "It's not fair, Jeremy Spencer's parents let him stay up all night!" by Anthony E. Wolf. Definitely recommended reading!

It's still hot and cold how they get along and I think it probably will be that way for a long time, but how I cherish the times when they are playing together nicely and laughing with each other!

Hope this helps a little. :-)

It is normal, from my perspective. I went through the same thing. Ecouragement to behave appropriately, passage of time, and patience will help. Just like anything we teach our children. That said.... until it gets better it is a pain in the butt.

arizona_mom is a stay-at-home mother of two boys, a kindergartener and a two year old. Just sharing my two cents worth. www.mops.org

This is one of those things that the more you do the worse it gets in my opinion. You need to set boundaries (which I'm sure you have) regarding physical agression, personal property, etc. and apply them to both children. This means even the baby needs to be told not to touch big brothers things otherwise you are sending the age old message that the eldest has all the rules and responsibility and the baby can get away with everything. Who wouldnt rebel against such an injustice (even if it is only a perception and not the way it is, it sure can feel like it to the older one).

After rules are set all you can do is let them find their own balance. How close they are is dependent on their personalitites and not on the fact that they share parents.

My kids (18,12,11,10,7 and 2) all love each other immensely but that doesnt mean they are "close" or "nice" to each other. Sometimes it's more of a case of "It's okay for me to be mean but look out if someone outside the family is mean to you!".

Does he get to share in some of the fun parts of a baby? Like feeding time (if your breast feeding maybe make him a bottle) I know when my daughter was jelous of her little sister she started to regress..doing things like a baby to get attention. I would do something for the baby and always ask her if she wanted to help. She loved helping get the diaper put back on after i got her all cleaned up. It made her feel like a big girl and more loving and protective of her sister instead of jelous.

**Whatever it is..Wrap it up in Love and the Possibilities are Endless**

I agree with BuckeyeMom:
Older siblings do feel left out even if you are spending alone time with them. When you sit down to either nurse or give your daughter a bottle, have your son sing a lullaby to his sister. Help him with the words and then he can see that he is making the baby happy. Praise him for all of his help and set boundaries with consequences if he is hurtful.

The life we lead - leaves lives fulfilled

To some extent, they'll find a way to bug one another for the rest of their lives. I spent a few nights at my brother's house a couple of weeks ago, and, before I left, he remarked, "I can't believe I didn't make you cry even once!" He just turned 50.

For your sake -- and theirs', I'm glad you're taking this seriously. I wish I had a relationship with my sister (who's only 14 months younger than I am). But she's mean and doesn't think I'm funny.

I have a couple of thoughts for you to try on for size. First, I would agree, in a sense, that you're doing a little "too much" if, in his mind, you're trying to make up for the fact that he has a baby sister. See if you can't turn that around into how great it is to be a big brother. Ask him to fetch you little things you need to take care of or amuse the baby, and then find ways to praise the positive behavior. "Aren't you lucky to have such a nice big brother?"

Of course, you have to reprimand him for poking or snatching toys, but perhaps you could be a little more proactive in making it harder for him to do those things. For awhile, create a brother-free zone for her. For example, if you put her down on a blanket on the floor, explain that that's her play space; he gets the rest of the room. Make sure he sees you and his Dad having the times of your life playing with her while still acknowledging what he's doing. Before you know it, he will want to play with her. Let him, but only when one of you has the time to supervise and coach him.

Reserve the time each of you has to spend with him one-on-one for rewarding good behavior. For example, you can make a big deal to Dad about all the things he helped you do on a Saturday morning, and Dad can say, "Well, then, we guys are going to go [fill in the blank]."

Finally, try not to fret about it. After my niece was born, my nephew asked his parents to take her back. They were both home from college when I was there, and the day before he left to go back to school, they chose to hang out together because they wouldn't see one another for a couple of weeks.

If you try any of these, please let us know if/how they work.