I'm in tears right now. I need your help moms!

I can definitely tell that you love your son and want the best for him. It also sounds like you are a lot more concerned about the schoolwork than he is! I do not watch Dr Phil regularly, but I did see an episode that sounded exactly like what you are going through and he told the parents to take away absolutely everything from their child except a bed in the room and clothes. The child had to earn the stuff back by doing the homework after the parents and child sat down and came up with a chart that broke down each day into hours that told him what he had to have done. I believe that the child earned back one item at a time for a week's worth of work that was accomplished. It worked for them-I know it's tv-but it might work for you too. I think he just does not care about the consequences he is getting now or he would be doing the homework. My eight year old does homework without any problems, but she has the same routine every day. She gets an hour break and then sits down and does homework. Maybe he needs a stricter or more defined schedule? Good luck and let us know what happens.

reaching deep in this, You said this is his stepdad. Were is his real dad? I have worked with kids, one paticular kid who was being raised by his stepdad and mom. He was a good respectful kid until middle school. His stepdad is a very good, carrying father, but this boy started not doing his school work and didnt care about a thing anymore. This boy started to wonder why his real dad didnt want him and left the family and went on to start a new family and isn't really involved in this boys life. Even though his mom and stepdad are there for him and love him and sd loves him like his own son. The boy was hurting deep inside. This boy is now 18, didn't graduate HS, and lives at home still but doesn't really talk to his stepdad and still doesnt understand why his real dad doesn't care. It's very sad.
I think you need to take him to counseling, and maybe you yourself should go and sit with the counselor first and then let him go.
PCA, has some wonderful caring counselors, they are a very dedicated group. located at 1830 S. Alma School, suite 112, in mesa 480-730-6222 Celessta Tracy can get you started in the right direction and can refer one of her counselors if not herself. don't wait until it's to late for your child. Alot of times we don't want to face that it could be something deep like this, because you seemed to have provided a good life, but sometimes "stuff" can't replace the affection and relationship a child really needs..

" just my Opinion"

I also saw that episode and I never get a chance to watch tv but I tunned in for that one. We have taken everything away. We let him eat, breath, shower and sleep. He gets 15 mins to eat after school and then starts hmwk. He said that if he doesn't like somethign then he doesn't think he should do it. I know he's just a 6th grader but what happens in life if he doesn't like what a boss says? Get fired from every job? I tell him there are tons of things I have to do everyday that I don't like to do but I have to do them. Children have to go to school, They have to do their work. I tell him that he is no different than any other child. I even tell him how lucky he is to be getting an education b/c in some countries child can't even get that. He responds then he wished he lives there. I say that we love him so much or we wouldn;t care about how he did in school. He then says he wishes we didn't love him so he wouldn't have to do school work..

Elizabeth is a discussion leader for arizonamoms she writes about everything from her needing mommy advice to crazy and silly stuff that happens. She lives in the West Valley with her husband and 3 children.

Last night I began reading a book about how boys are less resilient and less ambitious than they were 20 years ago. It's titled, "boys adrift, The Five Factors Driving the Growing Epidemic of Unmotivated boys and Underachieving Young Men". It's written by Leonard Sax, MD., Ph.D. I've only just begun so I can't offer an opinion, but it sounds as though this might be something you could at least look into. I have three young boys and my oldest, 10, is beginning to slack in school. He is very smart and pick things up quickly, but he's moved in to a similar patern of just not caring. He can easily get 100 percent, but will miss a few because he doesn't see the difference from an A+ to an A-. What's the big deal? If you have time, check out the above mentioned book. Like I said, I've only just read a few pages but I am very interested in what this author has to say. Sorry I can't offer any advice. It's sounds as though you are doing your best and I am happy to see that the baseball coach pointed out his grades...that's a start. To see that his poor grades do have a consequence. Good Luck and if you find out anything, please post it!

As a teacher of older elementary students (4th and 5th grade), it is my humble opinion that perhaps his teachers need to consider modifying his work. Perhaps he'd agree to do slightly shorter reports or fewer questions on a hw assignment. It could be a start. The big thing is trying to get buy in from him and seemingly the things being tried so far aren't working.
Maybe another thing to consider is just backing off for a while. I know it's easy for me to say because he's not my son, but I really think that you're just making yourself miserable trying to get him to do something he's not going to do. Try to focus on what he does well and maybe have some time with just him.
Just a thought.
Good Luck.

Maybe your son is depressed. More and more these days young children are getting depressed. They have so many responsibilities that children are as stressed as adults. I would recommend seeing a therapist and talking to his doctor.

I read through all the posts and I was going to mention the same thing as the above post. Could he be depressed? Is it just homework, or does not care in other areas? Does he want to sleep a lot? My heart goes out to you, I pray you find an answer very soon.

Hobbymommy, 38, is a discussion leader from Mesa. She is a happy stay-at-home mommy to a 3-year-old daughter and a 2-year-old son.

I read this, and I didn't read the other reply's so I don't know if anyone else is saying this or not, so in case I am repeating things that is why. If this were my situation....I would stop taking things away. Try encouraging the good behavior. For example, try with the little things..."great job doing the dishes, that really helped me out a lot." and if he doesn't do anything like that, say "Hey, do you think you can help me, I would really like to hang out with you for a little bit." or something along those lines. Sit down with him until his homework is FINISHED!!!! Not for a little bit, but unil it is done! And then when it is, tell him how good he did and then do something for him he would really look at and say "Wow, I did what I was supposed to do and I got treated." This works with my little one but he is still little, but as far as I know, all kids like good attention.
Good luck!

Cruz Family Day Care
~Samantha Cruz

Mommy of 2 wild boys and love every minute of it.

you are being a helicopter mom and by hovering over him, hewill not learn to be responsible. his job is to go to school and do his best. it is not your job to make sure he gets it done. let him fail. he will learn from failure. the more you try to get him to do things, the more he will resist. read PARENTING WITH LOVE AND LOGIC www.loveandlogic.com. i wish ihad had this book when my son was young. but it is never too late

The recurring thought I kept having was a boy you is seeking your attention. Clearly, he has found a way to get it. His behavior has your attention, and he has found that it is with all this negative behavior that he captivates your on-going attention. I mean, it works for him.

Does he feel that he must compete with other siblings or your husband for your attention? Do you think he has anxiety and/or insecurities about your love and commitment to him (vs. you "picking" his step-dad?) - that he must "test" you by acting out in a way to garner your attention?

I'll bet he's old enough to hear it straight...that you do love him. Unconditionally. He doesn't have to every worry about you "picking his step-dad over him." That you love spending time with him. That you'd like to spend more time with him.

Ask him HOW does he want more of your attention?

Does he want to go for a walk every other night? Does he want a dinner once a week, out of the house, with just you? A regularly-scheduled night that he can count on your undivided attention - where NONE of his negative behavior is discussed (as in, you are not giving attention to the behavior, but giving attention to the person).

Maybe, with the help of a good counselor, and with him being able to tangibly see how he can get your attention and love WITHOUT having to exercise these negative behaviors, he'll learn that the attention and love for good behaviors are so much more satisfying than trying to fulfill his need to attention through negative behavior.

I mean, currently, destructive or not, if what he wants is your attention, through this "I don't care" behavior, he has learned a way to get your attention, secure it, and keep it.

Good luck!!!!

Happy2BMommy, is a stay-at-home mom who just turned 40 (argh!) with a 6 yr. old daughter and a 5 yr. old son, and is a discussion leader for arizonamoms.com living in Scottsdale.

I wanted to jump on before bed to read everything. I want to take everything and put it in place NOW!!! I did talk to the principal after school today and he asked about the acting out for attention. I left my X when my son was 6 months. My X signed away his rights when he was 4yrs. Bad custody battle.. He doesn't remember much of him but it was an abusive situation and I got away when he was just 6 months old so he wouldn't ever have to see a family environment like that. Now we have an amazing family environment and I am just having trouble understand why he is not just thriving.

He did have to endure visitation with my unstable X from 6 months to 3 yrs. I wonder if he has memories he doesn't even remember.. If that makes sense?
I think you all are right and I am going to take him to professional for help. I'm going to call the number that was provided in one of the posts...

He is such a great boy. AMAZING big brother and verrryyy kind!!!

Elizabeth is a discussion leader for arizonamoms she writes about everything from her needing mommy advice to crazy and silly stuff that happens. She lives in the West Valley with her husband and 3 children.

My husband and I have always vowed that if our kids tried to simply not do a project or something in school, then we'd trip the circuit breaker and tell them that we didn't pay the electric bill, because we didn't feel like it. We're ready to show them in very practical terms that we all have a job to do and school work is theirs.

However, I'm not so sure that your son is being lazy. It does sound like he's depressed....like, he doesn't feel as though his efforts matter. He doesn't seem to value himself or pleasing his parents, and that just isn't typical for children. PERHAPS, (and I am VERY slow to jump on this bandwagon) he should be evaluated for ADD. Kids with ADD, have a next to impossible time staying interested in one topic for very long. It's pretty hard to do school work, if your brain literally loses all interest in reading an article, two paragraphs into it. Maintaining focus is essential to completing any task and it sounds like he can't do that. Has he always needed a lot of prodding and it's just worse now with a higher grade? Or, is this shift new and somewhat sudden? Child Psychologists can administer tests to literally measure his attention level as compared to other kids his age, as well as his IQ to give you an idea of appropriate expectations for him (a really smart kid can be so bored with school that he checks out as well).

Either way, it sounds like you've exhausted all of the typical routes. Maybe it's time for professional help. I can't recall your son's age, but typically, lack of interest the ways you are describing is usually attributable to drugs, depression, ADD or any combination thereof.

Good Luck!

"Only a life lived for others, is the life worthwhile" - Albert Einstein

My sister was like this, and I'm sad to report that my parents never completely got to the root of the problem, although things did get a lot better.

I would agree with some other posters that depression may be a problem. For my sister it wasn't, but she does have other mental health issues. Specifically, she tends to think people are picking on her, even when they're not. My brother too, to a lesser degree (my brother's not kept a job for more than 2 years, and they all start out great, but by the end he can't stand working for those people and quits before they have the "pleasure" of firing him. As the normal one, I find this a bit idiotic). He should be evaluated by a child psychologist, to see if there isn't any underlying problem, even just a coping problem, that makes him shut down and not even try to fulfill his obligations. At 12, he should realize that there are things that he has to do that aren't necessarily fun, but he has to do them anyway. It's just a part of life. For whatever reason, he's not getting that.

Thanks so much, B/c I don't know what the real issue is behind all this I think everyone who posted advice is right on. I really don't know why I am the closet to him and I never even thought of him having rejection issues or depression b/c of his biological father. The thought never even crossed my mothers mind and she's very close with him. We just couldn't figure out why he wsa being lazy. So do I need to call our DR for a Child Psychologist referral? How would I find one?

Elizabeth is a discussion leader for arizonamoms she writes about everything from her needing mommy advice to crazy and silly stuff that happens. She lives in the West Valley with her husband and 3 children.

you need to buy or borrow the book Parenting with Love an Logic. you are bing helicopter parents and he is not learning any responsibility. this book saved my relationship with my sons. it tought e that it is his responsibility to do the what is expected of him jsut like he shouldnt have to tell you how to do your job you shouldt do it for him. if he fails, so be it. it was his choice. if you didnt do the work at yor job you would get fired and you would have to face concequences. so does he. its hard to explain but you really need to read it and try some of the things. after you see how well it works you will try to do all of theings they suggest. and it works. it really does

I am so sorry for your situation. It is apparent that you love your child and are doing everything possible to try to get through to him. I would not usually suggest this, but if you have gone through and exhausted all possibilities of intervention strategies with the school(s) as it appears you have, it is probably time to consider going into to meet with a psychologist. I have no experience in this area, but I would definitely do the research necessary to find the right fit if this is the avenue you choose to take.
I, too, had a son that was not working up to his potential and a big part of it was that he was 13 months younger than his sister, who he perceived to be "perfect" and he did not think he could live up to her. We never compared them, but it did not seem to matter. When we moved here from Ohio we talked about how he now had a clean slate and that the teachers he had did not know him or his sister. We also talked about how he wanted his future to be whether he wanted to be in a position where he could make the choices for example about what schools he could go to or whether he would have the choices made for him by others because he would not be able to get into the schools he wanted to attend. These things along with a very special math teacher challenging him at school have made all the difference. He is now working up to his potential. He often comments that it is harder now that he cares, but he would not change the results that he is achieving.

I wish you all the best and know you will find the solution if you keep working to reach him. Take care.

JuneSlager is a discussion leader for arizonamoms.com, raising three children (ages 15, 14, & 11) in Northeast Phoenix.

Did you ever get help for you kid, and can you share some of the outcome?

" just my Opinion"

I LIVE IN MICHIGAN AND I AM GOING THROUGH AND DOING THE SAME THING YOU ARE. NO ONE HAS THE ANSWER. MY SON AND YOUR SON SOUND LIKE TWINS. WE EVEN HAVE HIM CALL HIS BASEBALL AND FOOTBALL COACH TO TELL THEM WHY HE WONT BE AT PRACTICE OR HIS GAME. HE DOESN'T SEEM TO CARE IF HE MISSES OUT AS LONG AS HE THINKS HE IS GETTING OUT OF THE WORK! I HAVE TRIED ALL THE ADVICE PEOPLE HAVE COMMENTED ON. RIGHT NOW NONE OF IT HAS WORKED AND WE ARE CONSISTANT AND WE FOLLOW THROUGH. WE HAVE BEEN TO MEETING AFTER MEETING. I PHYSICALLY WALK HIM TO HIS CLASS 1 HOUR EARLY EVERY MORNING. WHEN HE COMES HOME WHEN HE KNOWS HE IS TO STAY AFTER I DRIVE HIM BACK! MY HUSBAND, MY SON'S ADOPTED DAD TRIES HIS BEST! WE HAVE BEEN DOWN THE TOUCHY FEELY AVENUE AS WELL AND THAT TURNED OUT TO BE A DEAD END! WE HAVE HEARD IT ALL FROM IGNORE HIM, LET HIM FAIL, TAKE HIM TO A COUNCELOR SOMETHING IS WRONG, MAYBE IT'S A LEARNING DIABILITY, MAYBE IT'S ADHD, HE IS LAZY. WE ARE HIS PARENTS AND IT IS NOT ACCEPTIABLE IN MY EYES TO JUST LET HIM FAIL. WE ARE TEACHING OUR CHILDREN TO BE ACCOUNTABLE NO MATTER WHAT EVEN IF THAT MEANS WE HAVE TO CARRY HIM THROUGH THIS PERIOD IN HIS LIFE AND WORK HARDER THAN HE DOES AND CARE ABOUT HIM MORE THAN HE CARES ABOUT HIMSELF. THAT WILL TEACH HIM TO PERSERVERE. I HAVE NOT MET WITH ONE PERSON THAT AFTER MEETING OUR FAMILY AND TALKING WITH US AND ANALYSING EVERY ASPECT OF OUR LIVES THAT HAS SAID WE KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM IS AND WE ARE GOING TO TELL YOU HOW TO FIX IT! ALL THE COUNCELORS AND TEACHERS AND SCHOOL OFFICIALS HAVE GONE DOWN THEIR CHECK LIST OF WHAT IT COULD BE AND EVERY TIME THEIR ANSWER IS ... WELL IT'S NOT THAT! I HAVE SPENT MANY HOURS MANY NIGHTS CRYING MY EYES OUT TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW I AM GOING TO HELP MY SON. I HAVE 3 OTHER CHILDREN AND THEY HAVE COMMENTED ON ALL OF THIS. IT WORRIES ME SOMETIME TOO ABOUT THE EXAMPLE OUR SON IS SETTING FOR THEM. I HAVE TO BELIEVE WE ARE DOING RIGHT BY HIM. I REFUSE TO BELIEVE FAILURE IS AN OPTION FOR HIM OR FOR US AS HIS PARENTS. EVERYONE SAYS IT'S A PHASE.... I AM READY FOR IT TO BE OVER. I READ A COMMENT A TEACHER SUGGESTED TO MODIFY HIS WORK.... OUR TEACHERS AND PRINCIPAL SAY THEY CANT DO THAT BECAUSE THEN EVERY PARENT AND STUDENT WOULD WANT THE SAME DONE FOR THEM. WE HOME SCHOOLED OUR SON FOR 2 YEARS BEFORE PUTTING HIM BACK IN. IT MADE ME NUTS TRYING TO GET HIM TO DO THE WORK. I WAS SO SCARED HE WASN'T LEARNING THAT WE PUT HIM BACK IN SCHOOL AND HE TOOK A MEAP TEST THAT TEST TO SEE HOW MUCH YOU KNOW GOING INTO 6TH GRADE AND WE WERE SHOCKED FIRST OF ALL THAT HE TOOK THE TIME TO ANSWER THE QUESTIONS AND SECONDLY TO FIND OUT THAT HE WAS ADVANCED IN ENGLISH, LANGUAGE, MATH, SCIENCE AND HISTORY...... BUT IS FAILING NOW IN HIS CLASSES! THE SCHOOL AND STATE JUST GAVE HIM AN AWARD FOR THAT! WE LOVE IT.... HE COULD CARE LESS. PRAY FOR THE STRENGTH TO GET YOU THROUGH IT. DO YOUR BEST AND HE WIL TURN OUT JUST FINE BECAUSE YOU ARE LEADING HIM BY EXAMPLE. I'LL KEEP TELLING MYSELF THAT UNTIL WE ARE THROUGH IT!

MOTHER OF 2 BOYS AND 2 GIRLS!!!!!!!