Privacy-how much is okay?

Well, we have a policy of no locked doors in our house. And when my kids are in their bedrooms with their doors closed, I periodically check on them (knocking first).

As far as going through their things, ... I've never really thought about this, I guess because I've not had a feeling that I should be concerned about anything. I guess when I'm in their rooms straightening and putting away clothes, I naturally look around at things. But if I were to have a feeling that something might not be quite right, or they're running with a crowd I don't approve of, I'd probably be inclined to pay more attention to their things and yes, I probably would go through them without a second thought. The consequence of my kids getting mad at me for going through their private things is nothing compared to the possibility of finding drugs or something that would need to be out in the open.

DesertMom
http://ppdsurvivor.blogspot.com

I have a 12 y/o and I'll admit that I plan on giving some privacy but I will do checks of his bedroom periodically for a couple of reasons. 1. To make sure stuff doesn't start growing and 2. To make sure he's walking the line.

As a parent I am concerned that if I give an inch, he'll take a mile so I won't snoop but I will make my presence known.

"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."

This is a really good question. In our house, the kids are 8, 5 and a toddler. At this point, not a lot of privacy, because I help them keep their drawers straightened out, and cleaning up is a family activity. We had one incident a year or so ago when my husband discovered some Game Boy cartridges in my son's collection that he knew he did not buy. This prompted regular back pack searches, some long conversations about honesty, stealing and some good sorting of what had become a really big mess of Alexander's personal spaces. He's something of a pack rat.

Never did determine how those games came to be in his possession, but it didn't happen again. Our kids know that honesty and trust are huge things in our family. We are hoping that as they get older this will impress upon them, and we won't have to feel inclined to make secret searches of their rooms. Time will tell.

Susan is mom to Alexander, Isabel, David and stepmom to Eric. Make sure your email address is current, we'll be giving out great prizes DAILY in September after our site makeover! Don't miss out!

My mom use to go thru my stuff and I would get really mad. I had no privacy in my house. I was not allowed to lock my door or anything like that. I was 18. I could never keep my personal stuff personal. I would have moved out, but I was 17 when I graduated and after big fight i was not allowed to move anywhere. I never did any drugs, or drank or anything like that. but for example I like to write a lot, but like to keep my writings just for me, and my mom went thru my stuff and decided she could read them show it to my dad and just leave them out. It really put a rift between my mom and I. I ended up always leaving things at work in my desk or at friends and stuff because I knew that if i had it in my room, it wouldnt be kept just for me. I had good grades, had a strict curfew, which was 11. I graduated top 12 percent always helped around at home and such. no one understood why my mom did this. I never thought I gave her a reason to snoop, but I just decided that if i wanted to keep something to myself it would be kept elsewhere. I know it might seem immature or something, but at the time, i wanted my privacy and never got it, and it did put a trust issue between my mom and I.

We also have the no locked door policy in our house. If the kids have their doors closed I always knock before going in, but I do tend to drop in with laundry if they have been spending extended time in their rooms.

For whatever reason, this does not seem to happen too much in our house, except during the school year when they are working on homework.
My biggest concerns have been computer related in regard to closed doors. Having been a technology coordinator for a school and dealing with internet violations at work has always made me hyper sensitive to how these resources are used in our own house. We have always had our internet computers located in central areas that are well trafficked area. I have let them know that computer usage if a privilege and that it will be taken away if not used properly. I do check up on them frequently and they have to provide me access at any time to the computers they use.

The biggest thing that has worked for us is keeping up the lines of communication. When I feel that my oldest isn't sharing as much, I know it is time for me to make time and plan a day away together. We might go to a movie and lunch or just go play tennis together and go for a iced tea afterward. The most important thing is taking time for the individual child away from their siblings. This divide and spend time approach has really worked for my husband and I.

JuneSlager is a discussion leader for arizonamoms.com, raising three children (ages 15, 14, & 11) in Northeast Phoenix.

My oldest daughter recently turned 14 and my youngest is 9. I believe in "snooping" periodically. I have absolutely no qualms about going through their rooms (haven't really had to deal with it with the 9 yr old yet, but it's fairly often for my 14 yr old).

I encourage my daughters to use their diaries to write out whatever is causing them stress/anxiety. We've talked about how sometimes putting things on paper makes them more manageable. When I can tell my oldest is stressed or upset about something and she absolutely refuses to talk about it (or just acting weird) - "Mom, you have NO idea how stressful my life is right now and you just wouldn't understand" - that's when I get her diary from her hidey-hole, unlock it with an extra key she doesn't know I have, and read it (when she's in the shower or asleep or whatever). Usually whatever is stressing her out is something that in the real world is extremely minor, but to a teenager it's the end of the world, and I try to figure some way of helping her deal with it. I know some parents wouldn't agree with me reading her diary, but at least I know what's going on that she's too upset/afraid/whatever to tell us about. I will also go through her belongings, purse, etc.

I know this sounds like I don't have good communications with my oldest, but I really do. Except when she's acting like the girl in the Exorcist. :)

I pretty much came up with the theory that as a parent you can "invade" as much privacy as you want. My best friend's parents were all about not invading privacy and no snooping around. Her older sister ended up with an extremely abusive boyfriend when she was in high school. And I mean EXTREMELY abusive. Her parents never caught on, and as an adult she told them that she had left signs of what was going on all over her room, but because they never looked, they never saw the warning signs. After hearing that, I figured that I'd rather be a snoopy mother than find out too late that my child had been abused, etc.

When I finally got my own room (living with a sister is a guarantee you'll get tattled on), it had two doors, and everybody pretty much used it as a shortcut from the kitchen to the bathroom.

Between that and the fact that my Mom spoiled us (making beds, doing the laundry and putting it away, picking up after us), there was no such thing as privacy.

When I left home, I went to live in a religious community until I went to college, and I adored my room there, because it was at the very top of the stairs, and the only room up there. Nobody ever came up there unless they were looking for me.

So I'm kind of torn. You want to be able to say, "There's your space; I trust you." You also want to know, especially in the throes of adolescent angst, that it's a safe place for your kid to be. I think I'd wander in with the vaccuum from time to time, and make sure that there weren't any grow-lights in the closet.

My parents never snooped on me, or if they did, they were really good at it and never mentioned what they found. There weren't any locks on the doors, but the doors were kept closed all the time. I think my mother didn't like looking at the mess. But I also lived out in the middle of nowhere with no car or public transportation, so they knew all about what I was up to anyway. So it was a relief to get to college (in Pittsburgh) where I could get on the bus, stay out as late as I liked, eat whatever I wanted, you know the drill.

As for my own kids, they are still a toddler and in utero, but I like to think I would not violate pricacy without cause.

Having a 4 and a 7 yo, this isn't an issue for us yet, but my kids know that their rooms are the place they can go when they need to get away from us, and that it's OK to close the door to get some peace and quiet. I believe it is helpful to a kid to know they have some space that they have control over. So, I respect their space by knocking before entering the bedroom. However, when they've been in there too long, I always find a reason to have to knock and come in. I'll probably subscribe to the periodic checking philosophy. If I ever find anything, I'll find a way to bring it up in a nonconfrontational manner. My parents were very hands-off - not much communicating, never any meaningful discussions. As a result, and questions they did ask me were met with suspicion and resistance. But I would open up very readily to an adult if they just simply asked ("Hey, son, I noticed a lot of bomb-making materials in your room... is that a science project?"). Oh, and my kids will NOT have internet access in their rooms.

I make it my business to know my kids friends, my kids friends parents, classmates, coaches, the teachers, and, yes, I'm on a first name basis with the school principal. Not because my kid has been in trouble, because he hasn't. Because these are all of the people who are helping to raise my kids. So, I'm nosy in other ways that will hopefully help me see any warning signs if my kids are going astray.

You all may think I am crazy - but I don't snoop at all and I trust my kids. If they give me reason not to trust them, then the hammer will fall - but so far my teen still talks to me and bringing home the good grades.

I look at some of the crazy things going on in the world and what teens are into these days, and I can't imagine raising kids without some kind of religious reinforcement. In our case, I believe it has made all the difference.

sure, fine, whatever

I’m going to the flames here but I’m a little shocked by some of you “sneaky” moms out there. My question is this…If so many of you are ok with being sneaky and snoopy, would you read a diary if you found it in your child’s room? My comment was I plan on checking my son’s room to make sure it’s clean and to make sure there isn’t anything located opening in it that I feel is inappropriate but at the same time, I don’t plan on ransacking drawers or going through “personal belonging” or reading “personal thoughts.” He’s 12 now and I feel like in our home we have a great honest, open relationship. I talk to him about choices of friends, drug use and even (oh my) sex. I know that I can honestly say that I would be able to tell if he was “sliding” a little and either stop it or guide him in another path. Oh and I’ll be totally honest, if I felt something “bad” was going on, I’d sit him at the door while I ransacked his room. I wouldn’t hide being concerned.

"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."

I haven't had a reason to snoop, but my kids know that I will do the occasional purge in their rooms when the mess drives me crazy. Maybe that keeps them from hiding stuff there.

They haven't made a big deal about privacy when it comes to going into their rooms to clean their mess. (I haven't found anything bad either - at this point I trust my kids because we do talk a lot, so I know what's going on in their lives.) They have only asked for privacy when getting ready and when they are sulking. That I respect. I'm sure I'll be getting more requests for privacy as they get into middle school.

Actually, my 8 yo has a journal and I let that be her private thing. My son doesn't keep one.

Arizona Moms Editor Yvette Armendariz shares stories about raising her kids and tips for busy parents in her Time-starved (goddess) Mom blog. She and her husband are raising two children, ages 8 and 11.