I know that some of you helped me with this a week or so ago about my 11 yr old and his lack of interest in school and his poor choices about homework and stuff. Some of you brought up some great points that I had never thought of (or my husband or my parents) I love ya'lls advice,,,
Anyway, I wanted to tell you that I did in fact take him to a counselor this past Monday. I thought it was going ok until the counselor went NUTTY on us!!! I mean this lady was crazy! She asked me some background info and I told her about my ex not having his rights because of him being a nut job. I told her a few stories and I mentioned how visitation was taken away due to inappropriate behavors on my ex's part and his family. I told her that it was nothing sexual at all. She then went on with my 11 yr old sitting right there saying that I wouldn't believe how early sexual abuse can start and that I would be surprised. I assured her that wasn't the case. She went on to ramble saying things like sometimes if that happened to a child at the age of 2 then they might not remember it and how it could come out in other ways later on. Then she would say "again maybe not" after EVERYTHING... She looked right at my 11 yr old son , who I can tell you for a fact was never sexually abused by my ex.. that it would be ok if he were to remember that if he did remember that was pleasurable. I was thinking WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON, DON'T MAKE HIM HAVE MORE PROBLEMS... THIS NEVER HAPPENED AND WE ARE SURE OF IT! YOU FREAK!!!! I was starting to get mad when she throws out it would even be normal for kids to think they are gay when stuff like that happens "again maybe not".... OK, AT THIS POINT HOLYS^%T... I fianlly said. Look we know that the inappropriate behavior was not sexual if you would listen to me it was more for his safety and my safety. He wanted to kill us not rape us! If anything at all that my son could remember it would be the short period of time when he was 2 yrs old when my ex had supervised visitation and he didn't want to go and he would see me upset. I wanted to end it with "again maybe not" but instead we left the time was up.. Thank goodness.... I wanted to smack her "again maybe not"!!!! This also wasn't a case where my son needs to be hypnotized to recall his 3 months check up where he had stress from getting his shots... This lady was looking way to deep...My son asked when we got in the car if we had to go back to her... I said no that we would find another one... I know he has issues that need to be worked out but they are not that deep.. It's a middle school boy, lazy thing that I am trying to nip in the bud now so he can focus and make good choices.. Even the school counselor was shocked at my counseling appt with this lady..
So that was our first counseling experience... Maybe the next one won't be so bad.. I guess I need to ask their area of expertise. We need maybe a guy that is laid back that can say "look dude, your making poor choices that can effect you later on". Maybe we don't need a counselor maybe we just need to look into our church. My husband and I do not get anywhere with him b/c he thinks we don't know what we are talking about.. He doesn't say that but it's the look on his face.. I guess b/c when we talk about life stuff he checks out... He really thinks we are idoits when we say that if he really wants to play in the NFL then he needs to make good grades so he can play high school football then college football. We explain everything.. But He thinks with bad grades b/c he doesn't like school that if he is good enough in football then he can be a "walk - on" to the Dallas Cowboys.. Just an example of his thoughts..lol..
Elizabeth is a discussion leader for arizonamoms she writes about everything from her needing mommy advice to crazy and silly stuff that happens. She lives in the West Valley with her husband and 3 children, Joshua 12, Brooke 2 and Mason 10 months
OMG! That's awful! That has
OMG! That's awful! That has not been my experience with counseling at all! Was she in private practice? You should report her. She should have never said stuff like that in fron t of your son and she should never have said stuff like that when you were telling her that it was not the case. I'm sorry that you had that experience. Was she an MD? It's unfortunate that there are so many levels of education and experience for counselors. A friend of a friend of mine is a couselor (Master's degree), but she pursued couseling because her family royally screwed her up and she is a basketcase! I thinkt hat she does couseling because it makes her feel better about her issues. I would most definitely meet with any potential counselor first, by yourself and only bring your son after you have a solid familiarity with him/her (I'm really surprised that the counselor didn't suggest that on the phone - another red flag). I'd, frankly, start out explaining that you're there for feedback on your parenting skills, due to these issues. You'll get a good sense of the counselor's demeanor, style and biases long before you ask him/her to tackle the issues with your son. Counselors should be a tour guide, showing a person the finer points of their perceptions and assisting is faster self discovery. But, ultimately, the self discovery is up to the person in therapy. No responsible therapist would TELL the patient their perceptions!
Ugh...that sounds
Ugh...that sounds ridiculous. I read some of your post and I'll give you a little advice that my sons teacher told me. My son is the exact same way (he's 12). He really likes school but as far as homework goes (and chores) he is extremely lazy. This is his 2nd 5th grade year and his grades are still not what I would call "up to par." This week at conference time, I asked his teacher what she could suggest and her comment was this, "try not to make such a big deal about his grades and focus on more of him just doing what he's suppose to do." I don't know if I like that advice or not, but she did tell me that some kids just don't like the fact that school is so scheduled and consistent and as they get older, they will embrace it more. If nothing else, I hope my confirmation of "your not alone" helps. I would definitely see another counsuelor as well and get a second opinion. My son's consuleor told me to give him "more options" because that would help him decide what's best for him. I told her thanks for the advice, but I'd stick to my way as at least he was doing his work still and by giving him the option not to do it, I wasn't teaching him anything about responsibility. I thought she was a total quack.
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
Um, I think you need a
Um, I think you need a different councilor. Ask your son what he thought of her, and I'm sure it'll be real similar. Then ask your dr for a referral to someone different, and specify, preferably male, must be laid back in his approach.
Wow, that was not a lucky break for you.
Don't give up on counseling
Don't give up on counseling just because of this one. Like anything, there are good and bad out there. It may a few tries to find one that you like and that you are both comfortable with.
Just a thought ... Maybe you
Just a thought ...
Maybe you could hire a football player (high school or college) to do some tutoring and/or mentoring. I know that some of the high schools require students to do community service; they could probably hook you up.
If football seems to
If football seems to motivate or make him real happy, then maybe he could go to a Cardinals football camp for kids or go to a football game and let him see what hard work can get you. I also read your entries a couple of weeks ago and I think you are definitely doing all that you can. Sometimes the things that they love the most can be the things that can encourage them the most. Best of luck!
I would suggest meeting with
I would suggest meeting with the counselor first before introducing them to your son, and checking their credentials.
As for looking to you church - there again, I think you still have to do your homework. Some people in this profession are complete wack jobs.....for example, the couple in charge of "counseling" at our church are my husband's sister's ex-in laws....they are the most pretentious, phony, and manipulative people I have ever met.....and her degree is a mail in degree..but they are held in high regard at this church. I would not want this woman getting into my son's head......but I think the administration of the church is more interested in the sixe of their bank book than the content of their character. We stopped attending because I can't support a church that reveres people like that.
I suggest you look into taking him to an MD or PHD. I have a very good psychologist.....I am not sure if he works with adolescents but his name is Dr Javier Perez and he works out of Norhtlight counseling. You could give him a try.
Sometimes you have to go
Sometimes you have to go more than once. And you might try going first to talk about the issues your having problems with and to see if you like the person before you take your child. I don't know where you live but there's a man by the name of Paul Hudson that works out of St. Katherine's Greek Church in Chandler. He is amazing. You don't have to be greek or go to the church to see him. If you like Dr. Phil, you'll LOVE him! He's not "in your face" like Dr. Phil but just his mannerisms and personality is warm and welcoming. No judgments at all. We took my jr. high daughter and it did wonders. Good luck to you.
Paz