I'm surprised to that there were no posting on adoption here yet. I'm particularly interested in discussing open adoption and hearing about the kinds of relationships adoptive parents have with the birth parent(s).
We adopted our son when he was six days old and made a commitment to write a letter and send pictures to the birth mother twice a year through the adoption agency. The last time I sent a package to the agency, another social worker (ours had left) told me that she did not feel comfortable contacting the birth mother at her parents home number. If she didn't contact the birth mother to let her know we had sent something, how would she know to pick it up? I was discouraged by that and have not written in almost a year. The social worker told me to keep sending them in because sometimes the birth mothers will come back to check in. I don't have contact information for the birth mother to ask her directly if she'd like to continue with this kind of communication. Should I continue to send letters and pictures, hoping that one day she'll go back to the agency to see if there are any there for her?
aprodz25 is a discussion leader for arizonamoms.com. She and her husband live in Phoenix and are raising a 4-year-old son they adopted as an infant.
I am willing to bet they
I am willing to bet they have good reasons for not contacting the mother via the grandmother. They may simply know that through experience that birthmothers come around when they are ready. Did they give a reason other than unfortable? If they are being so vague, then perhaps you could be a little more pushy with it. Although I trust that the agency is doing what they think is best.
My brother and his wife have adopted four children from Korea and now they have another one on the way. They use an agency out of Oregon. They are very connected with the adoption groups in NJ. Have you been able to connect to similar groups here?
Hi! This is my first post
Hi! This is my first post on this site. I am adopting a little boy from Guatemala and hopefully we are in the end stages of it and he will be home for Christmas. I know you said you were interested in talking to people about open adoption and I have no experience with it, I am an adoptive parent and would love to talk to anyone about experiences.
I have a 5 year old I
I have a 5 year old I adopted from Kazakhstan when she was
11 months old. We know very little about her birth parents
but we are open about the fact she is adopted. My biological son
(7) knows she came from someone another persons belly bu
that she is his sister. We play up the sibling relationship
"You are family for life, you are each others best friend forever
and you have to take care of each other" so I don't think
they have noticed a difference.
I would keep sending pictures because one day she will go back
looking for them
Janet
Guess it’s time to start
Guess it’s time to start writing a letter and gather some pictures! I really appeciate the encouragement because I really needed it. I had honored our commitment to stay in touch before and should continue. And the agency is probably right in telling me to keeping send packages – they certainly have much more experience than I do on this
I haven’t come across a group for adoptive parents here but maybe I just need to look harder. I had asked the local agency (we adopted though the same agency in another city) but they weren’t aware of any specificially. I have yet to meet adoptive parents through our son’s preschool and friends but I’m so glad to hear that there are others out there.
Becky_Flo, yes, let’s continue our conversation about adoption and all that comes with it. By the way, my sister adopted a baby boy from Guatemala last year. I actually went with her to visit the baby since it seemed the process was taking a long time. As it turned out, she got a call a just a couple of weeks after the visit that he was ready to come home! I also wanted to mention that although Guatemalan adoptions are not open, many adoptive parents continue to have a relationship with the foster mother who took take of their child during the adoption process. It also seems like families who adopt from Guatemala have established networks with each other and through their agencies. I wish we’d had the same experience with domestic adoptions.
And Janet, I love what you tell your children. Our son doesn’t have any siblings but we definitely say the same about his cousins and other family members.
aprodz25 is a discussion leader for arizonamoms.com. She and her husband live in Phoenix and are raising a 4-year-old son they adopted as an infant.
I'm an adoptive mom of two
I'm an adoptive mom of two boys 3 and 5 and have a very open arrangement with the birth parents and their families. Since we communicate directly I haven't encountered your situation. We did lose touch with our oldest son's birth father shortly after he was born and didn't hear from him again until three years later when he and his mom went to the agency to find us (so birth parents do go back looking). I wouldn't accept the case worker's comment about contacting the birth mother without an explanation and I'm glad you decided to at least continue sending packages. I would be happy to talk to you about our adoption and maybe our boys can play together. I know of one group you might want to check out - Arizona_Adoptive_Families@yahoogroups.com. I haven't contacted them to join yet but have talked to people in the group.
I have 2 birth daughters
I have 2 birth daughters (ages 10 and 12) and one adopted daughter (age 2).
She came home to us from South Korea as an infant. We had some contact with her foster parents via the internet and with a translation service. The day she arrived we received 200 pictures of her on disc taken by her foster parents and their email address.
We let them know she arrived safely and sent them some pictures that day. A month later they emailed asking how she was adjusting, and another month later they inquired after her again. We were happy to update them as to her progress and encouraged them to email us any time, but after a few months they stopped contacting us.
We have plans to send photos to the Korean adoption agency in case the birth mother ever inquires, although this not commonly done due to social stigmas.
If I were you, I would continue to send updates and contact information to the agency and I would allow the birthparent(s) to choose how much contact they want. I can only imagine the agony of placing a child for adoption and I would leave the ball in their court and respect their wishes.
Our agency has 2 events a year and we know several adoptive families from China and Russia through several of our homeschool groups.
Sorry its taking so long to
Sorry its taking so long to reply but I'm on a Guatamala forum too and its hard to add another one. I am glad I fould one for AZ though. Once our Guate adoption is complete (hopefully soon, but politics always seem to get in the way) I want to start the process for a little girl. Domestic adoption scares me to death, partly because I don't know much about it and partly because of all the bad press/stories that focus only on negative experiences.
I would love to continue to chat though, it seems to be the only thing to keep me from going crazy!
Becky
I'm glad you're on a Guate
I'm glad you're on a Guate forum since people there have lots of info and have been or are going through a similar experience. I remember my sister telling me about how much time she spent on it too.
It's interesting that you say domestic adoption scares you because international adoption scares me! We were so lucky with our process. Once we got our paperwork in order, we were appproved by the court to adopt in less than a month and just two months after that, we got the call from our social worker that we had beeen selected as the adoptive parents for our son. I think what worried me about international adoption was having some document get lost and delaying the process, especially after having it translated. And yes, the political side is very real.
The great part about it all is how easily you can put aside all that you had to go through once you bring your baby home. Keep your eyes on the prize!
aprodz25 is a discussion leader for arizonamoms.com. She and her husband live in Phoenix and are raising a 4-year-old son they adopted as an infant.
Thank you for the website --
Thank you for the website -- I'll have to check it out.
aprodz25 is a discussion leader for arizonamoms.com. She and her husband live in Phoenix and are raising a 4-year-old son they adopted as an infant.
I am new here. I am an
I am new here. I am an adoptive mom and an adoptee myself. We adopted locally. We have a closed adoption. I wrote for a couple of years letters to our daughter's birth mom. They were sent to the adoption agency, if the mom ever asked for them. I haven't written for a while. I saw your post and think maybe I should catch up on my writing. My daughter is 10 now.
Hola, Sandi, How often do
Hola, Sandi,
How often do you write? Does the agency tell you if the birth mom came by to ge the letter(s)?
I don't know why I'm still finding it hard to keep writing and not knowing if our son's BM is still interested in hearing from us. I just need to keep reminding myself that it's something I agreed to do and should keep it up.
aprodz25 is a discussion leader for arizonamoms.com. She and her husband live in Phoenix and are raising a 4-year-old son they adopted as an infant.
I would continue to write
I would continue to write and send pictures. First, because when the child gets older he will see you worked to keep his mom informed about him. I think that will mean a lot if and when he wants to get more information about her.
Second, she will at some point come back. It might not be for 10 years but eventually if she gets her life together she will want to know he is OK.
You never what is going on to keep her from picking them up. It could be she wants to but there is a money, drug, work, any other issue that is keeping her away.
It also might be too fresh and painful for her to see that information. It takes time to mentally and emotionally deal with see your child with someone else and she might not be ready.
JMO,
Janet
I do think about her often,
I do think about her often, especially at this time of year with Mother's Day. It's bittersweet. I am so thankful that I am a mom and get to be recognized as one but then I think about how this day must be so hard for our son's birth mother.
Thank you for reminding me how important it to continue with the pictures and letters. It's just the kind of encouragement I need.
aprodz25 is a discussion leader for arizonamoms.com. She and her husband live in Phoenix and are raising a 4-year-old son they adopted as an infant.