Ok so this is a really weird post for me. I have 2 kids, 3 step daughter (4 girls, 1 boy ages ranging from 11- 5) and lately my husband has brought up the idea of having another child. Don't get me wrong because I love our kids and love the idea of having another child, but a part of me is really saying no because my son is more than halfway raised and I'm now 30. I think that if I was a little younger or maybe wasn't already more than 1/2 way done with one I'd feel differently (my daughter is 7 and would be 8 by the time a new baby is born). I guess I'm looking for mother's out there that maybe had a child / children early and waited a long time to have another one. I so far have told my husband that I'd think about it but I'll be honest, the idea of "starting over" being so much older (I was 22 almost 23 when I had my daughter, our b-days are 18 days apart) totally scares me. Any stories or advice???
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
Oh and before any financial
Oh and before any financial comments are made, we both make an excellent salary and have medical insurance. I know I've read in the past some very mean comments (not necessarily on here but elsewhere) posted about people having large families and tax payers paying for them, that's not the case in our home nor has it ever been. We would not be considering a child if we could not afford one.
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
I'm not a mother in this
I'm not a mother in this situation, but my husband and I are both siblings in this situation. My sister is 12yrs younger than I am ,and my husband's brother is 8yrs younger than he is, and there are no other siblings between my sister and I or my husband and his brother. It used to happen a lot when birth control was newer, it's called an "oops" baby.
My Mom was 22 when I was born and 34 when my sister was born, and my sister is 22 now. My sister is a lot like an only child, I went to college when my sister went to 1st grade, so we really weren't in competition or anything like that when she was young. We're not terribly close, because we're so very far apart, but we get along fine. My husband is a bit closer to his brother, because they are closer in age, but again, they weren't really in competition as children. So it really cuts down on sibling rivalry.
I wouldn't worry about being 30 and having a baby. I didn't have my first baby until I was 31. Age is all in your mind.
I'd start with an honest
I'd start with an honest conversation. Does he come from a large family? My husband came from a family of 5 and really liked the idea of more kids. I was honest with him...we had a miscarriage in the past and then I had problems with my following pregnancy. So after we had our two...God blessed us with one of each, I was honest about being scared of being pregnant again, feeling that I would have difficulty balancing work with more children. We decided, together, that staying home wouldn't be an option. (no judgments please - it was a joint decision)
It's been about 6 years since we had that honest talk -- it was hard and I cried a lot...he felt hurt at times. But in the end the honest was good. My hubby has said every now and then that although it would have been nice to have more, that I was right. We have our hands full with two.
Neither of us come from a
Neither of us come from a large family (I have an older brother, he has a younger sister and that's it). The medical issue does come up a little. I have Diverticulites which is hard to maintain when your pregnanct (causes digestive issues and bowel issues). The work issue is definitely a big one for me as well. I have worked very hard to get where I am and have no intentions of leaving my job. If anything I'd still work like I did with my other two (no judgments please - both of my children did just fine with that). I think the real reason most of this is coming up is about a month ago I was late (and I'm on the pill) and felt like I might be pregnant so we had the "talk" then about having another baby. Since it wasn't a discussion if we'd keep it (we knew we would) it was more of a "what will happen next" and "how will we deal" conversation. When I wasn't, I thought we were both relieved, but I think my husband 1/2 hoped I was.
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
I think making a list of
I think making a list of pro's and con's is a good thing to do.
I wasn't able to have more children after my son.And before I had my hysterectomy, my doc said to really talk about it...because we could start treatments to try to have another.
We did a list and had a wonderful heart to heart and thought we love the attention we can just give to our son.Also he is almost ten, nine then.We thought starting over....as sweet as babies are they grow up.
I agree with the list. I
I agree with the list. I usually spurt out all the reasons not to have one because it's the easier list (how expensive they are, how much work they are, how old we'll be when they are ready to leave the house). I agree too...I love babies and how cute they are and how wonderful it is to have one (I loved being pregnant too!!) but then there are the sleepless nights, and the diapers and how tired I was the first year. The other hard part is my husband and I agreed when we met, we were done having babies. PERIOD. I was pretty honest that I didn't want any more, and he agreed, but with all the talk lately, I've changed my mind a little and he sometimes is for then other times against it. A part of me is really scared that if I agree to have one, he'll change his mind after I am.
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
Then I would say the two of
Then I would say the two of you need to revisit the conversation you had when you met......and what has changed since then.Sure you can change your mind...however sometimes as a couple I think we tend to get caught up in the romance of it all......just something to think about.
I'm 13 years older than (one
I'm 13 years older than (one of) my younger sister(s) and 16 years older than my brother. Same parents - married 43 years and counting...Five kids total (now ages 42, 39, 38, 26 and 23). The BEST thing to ever happen to our family were the births of my sister and brother. When I graduated high school at 17, my brother was 1. My parents NEVER made us "help" with the babies, so we naturally jumped in to help! They breathed new life into an already content family, making every holiday just a little bit more magical. As teenagers and young adults, we saw first hand how difficult having a baby could be, so my parents no longer worried about us putting the cart before the horse, so to speak! When my mom told us that there would be a new addition to the family coming, we "older" kids were 16,13 & 12. We were APALLED and had meetings to complain about how awful this would be and how our lives would change. We later owed my parents an apology. Live you life to minimize death bed regrets - whatever you might imagine they could be. My parents are fond of saying, "kids keep you young" and I believe it!
"Only a life lived for others, is the life worthwhile" - Albert Einstein
crazymama & optimist thanks
crazymama & optimist thanks for the sibling input on this. That was a huge concern with us as well. My son seems to be the only one not really on board with this (he’s scared he’ll get another sister!). My daughter loves babies so thinks it would be neat and my stepdaughters love the idea of us having a baby, but I think a lot of that has to do with because their mom is going to have one in July so are just use to the idea already. I actually like the idea of having my kids spread out a little. My daughter was actually suppose to be conceived about 6 months later than we actually did (I was trying to plan so my son and her were about 5 years apart, not 3 and a little more than 1/2). I guess I’m going to end up going off these stories a little more than an actual mom story (there doesn’t seem to be one on here that’s gone through this). .
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
Deciding on the size of a
Deciding on the size of a family is huge. It's one thing when things happen unexpectedly, but another when its 'planned' in a sense years & years between siblings. I agree with all those have posted above. I myself am not in this situation (I just had my 2nd baby a few months ago and I'm going on 38 in a few weeks - I struggled to conceive a whole different topic.) I do however come from a family of just two (my brother and I.) We are 6 years apart. All I can say is that as a child it was lonely growing up with the many years between us. I was in a sense the only child for 6 years & craved a sibling closer in age to me. By the time we were able to play and talk together I was older. The big difference was when we went to school - it felt like we were from different generations. Because when I was a senior in high school he was only in 6th grade. A huge difference. Then when I left for college, my brother felt like an only child as he was left at home with the parents & lonely at times (reverse situation than me.) It wasn't until my brother was in his late 20's that the age difference insignificant - we were adults. For many years however, I was the 'motherly' one always looking out for him. So when thinking about what you both want...also think about the child also. Will they be as close to their other siblings (maybe?) Will he/she be lonely growing up alone when the older siblings are old enough and move away? Just some food for thought...in looking at it from a child's point of view.
LisaMommy is a 38 year old discussion leader for arizonamoms.com from the Paradise Valley/Scottsdale area. Her two boys are ages 8 months and 3 years old.
Wow (lisamommy), out of all
Wow (lisamommy), out of all the comments on here, you seem to have the most negative experience of being a sibling with an big age difference. Definitely a different point of view, so I will keep what you have said in mind as well. I hadn't thought much about how it might affect the newborn (my youngest is a step daughter and she'd be 6 when the new baby were to come along) and if she / he would be lonely. I have friend's who have only children but none of them seem that way (they all have attended day care since day one though too as would mine) but I do notice that they are a little on the spoiled side if anything (that wouldn't be the case, I still would have 5 other kids to do for). This is definitely something I hadn't thought of and will keep in mind. Thanks for this input!
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
I waited six years before
I waited six years before having my second child. I was 22 when my first daughter was born. I waited six years before we decided to have another child. We waited so long because neither of us wanted another at the same time. When I was ready my husband was not, and vice versa. My mom kept telling me the age difference was too much. Honestly though, I love that we waited. My oldest daughter gets to enjoy having her sister. I think if they were closer in age there would be a lot of sibling rivalry between them. My 6 year old watched as her sister was born with awe. She helps take care of her sister and is a part of everything. I have always been a stay at home mom, so my oldest always had mommy time. Now my youngest gets that too. While the oldest is at school the youngest gets to be with just mommy all day long. I love it. I will be 30 in a few months and my husband and I can't say for definite that we are both through having children. Until the day comes when we both agree that we are definitely through having kids, the subject is always open for discussion.
Thanks for all the input!
Thanks for all the input! I'm not sure what we will do. My husband has been out of town working for the last couple of weeks so this weekend I think I'm going to plan a date night so we either open the subject or close it permanently. I know that if we are to have another baby, I would want it as soon as possible (my husband will be 34 in a couple of months and I 31 in August) so we don't have one too much older. Everyone's suggestions, experiences and comments gave me tons more to think about.
Thanks again!
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
i just turned 38, my baby is
i just turned 38, my baby is 15 months and my oldest daughter is 20. They are almost 19yrs to the day apart. I never intended on waiting so long to have another, it just happened that way. I guess my comment is age may not be a huge factor in how close your kids are. My oldest adores my youngest and vice versa. But this is only my family. my husbands family is big he wanted more, but I think i've just about run out of time. In a perfect world I would be pregnant right now and due by my youngest daughters birthday. Either way, we are blessed with our two daughters.
Happy Wife. Happy Mother to Ashley 11/14/87 and Izabel 11/3/06
Thanks for your comment...I
Thanks for your comment...I just read it so I'm a little late on replying but I wanted to say that I talked a lot with my husband about this over the weekend and we are going to try about X-mas time to have another one.
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
Thats great you came up with
Thats great you came up with a plan! Good luck!
~~Michelle~~
Mama to Hayden~01/06/2006