Very hard moral question I need to ask you all

I know a mom that has a 10 and 12 year old and they were not planning on more children either, but they now have a 2 year old son that is absolutely their world. In the future, you never know how you and your husband will feel about adding more children. You may be ready again in 3-5 years. My husband says he would sell them and let a couple have a child that may not be as fortunate. I couldn't do that, because I would wonder if a part of me is somewhere in the world.
It has to be a personal decision that you and your husband can only make.
I knew a lady age 39 that had 4 teenagers, and she was trying to have another baby because she missed that feeling of having a baby around.I later learned that she was pregnant.
Life is so unpredictable. Give it some thought and time. Don't rush into a decision if you are going through this many emotions.

One Happy Mom in Arizona.

I agree with the above post. It's not like you have a deadline for the embryos... I would let some time go by and see what how you feel.

sure, fine, whatever

No, you're not being silly. Those embryos are a part of you! This is a moral dilemma so many are facing - you're not alone.

Since you asked, I'll be straight-up -- I believe they are babies as much as if they were 3-cell embryos already implanted inside momma. They are fertilized and absolutely have the potential to be babies. IIf you miscarried early in a pregnancy, you would feel a loss and rightly so -- even if the babies were not considered viable by the medical community. It grieves me that such embryos are used for research.

If there's no rush, you might just wait and see, because you never know what the future holds. If you and your husband decide that you are not going to do iv again, like you said there are options. There are couples who will adopt frozen embryos, I think that's the best option.

It sounds like you're carrying a lot of anxiety about this. But there's no reason to feel guilty. You know the amazing joy of finally having a baby, and your embryos could help provide that for someone else. Please understand I have the greatest empathy for your situation, I hope this helps in some way.

anne

I agree that you should just hold onto them unless there's a pressing reason why you can't. I think it is a tough decision that could take some time as you weigh the pros and cons. You'll have to be sure it's what you want.

Karina Bland is raising her 9-year-old son in Tempe with a lot of love, humor and support from her friends and family. A longtime journalist covering child welfare and education issues for The Arizona Republic, she blogs about raising good kids.

I don't think we should be in any rush. My husband got the bill for the storage fee for them (it was free for the first yr) this will be the first yr we will have to pay the 1,000 so he has been asking me what I want to do. I think he asks every other day. It's not like we are hurting and we need the money or anything like that. He's just a bit cheap (that sounds bad) maybe not so cheap as aware of where his money goes and he thinks if we are finished having children then we or I should figure out what I want to do. I mentioned that maybe we should hang on for 5 yrs until the babies are in school and see how we feel then and his reaction was "That's silly, that's 5 grand towards the kids school".

I'm not saying I am sitting wondering every min everyday about this but it is on the back if my mind a lot..

My ideas are a bit "out there" So, I told a friend today about how our fertility DR is in Vegas so in 5 yrs I should plan a trip to Vegas take my husband out for a fun night out let him have a few drinks, wait until he professes his love again (he seldom drinks but when he does it's great$ and he always professes his love to me) and then say "BTW, after breakfast I am going in for a frozen transfer"... However I don't think it would go as smoothly as it did in my head before I told her that idea...

Elizabeth is a discussion leader for arizonamoms she writes about everything from her needing mommy advice to crazy and silly stuff that happens. She lives in the West Valley with her husband and 3 children.

Oh, you know I feel for you. None of our other embryos survived to be frozen so I won't ever have to make this decision. I still feel a twinge of grief over the loss of my other embryos though. I would wait if I were you. There's no reason the decision has to be made today, is there? It is a hard decision and I honestly don't know which one I would make if I were in your shoes. Donating them to another couple sounds like an easy plan, but it woud be so hard for me knowing there could possibly be a child out there that biologically belongs to my husband and me. Donating them to science would be hard too, but I know that if it weren't for science technology you and I wouldn't have our IVF babies! *Sigh* Okay, if I were you I would save them for awhile longer just in case. If at some point you are 100% positive you will not use them then I think I would donate them to a couple who can't have a baby. As hard as that would be, I can't imagine not helping someone to have a baby, even if it's my biological baby, if I had the chance. I went through years of infertility and wondering if I'd ever be able to have a child of my own. With the wonderful gift of IVF I have two precious little babies. If I had the opportunity to give someone the gift of parenthood I would do it. I'm so sorry you're having to make this difficult decision and you are definitely NOT being stupid!

Hmm this is a tough one. My thought is that if you can afford to hold on the the embies for at least 2 years on your own ($2K if the first year is free) then I would do that and then see how you feel afterwards. That gives you three years to make sure you are done. Make a deal with your husband that you will give up some items financially to help cover the expense as well (a little compromise to help his "being cheap" out ;)).

And of course you don't want to just get rid of them. These are all part of you and could have been the child you had and still could be your child if you do opt for a another one. Speaking from first hand experience, I thought I was done having kids. I then met and married my hubby and am now trying to get pregnant once again (I have a 12 y/0, 7 y/o and 3 step daughters). You never know you are done completely with that stage of your life till you go through menopause lol (hopefully that comment doesn't offend).

"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."

Let me take this from a moral perspective to a practical one. Depending on your body in a few years, it might not be worth the money spent on storage to store just two embryos. Many times more are needed before one sticks. I would say if you had 10, then definately hold on to them for a couple more years as long as you can afford it- if there is any chance you may want another child.

That being said, I know you cannot take the emotions out of this decision. It's tough. I can tell you that if you decide to donate them to another couple/woman, the baby/ babies that they/she eventually get will be loved and cherished. Those going through with embryo adoption are committed to being parents and go through quite a bit to get there. However, you do have to accept the fact that although you created the embryo, the baby is someone else's, which may be hard.

I think that donating them to another couple is a wonderful thing to do. Yes, the thought that "your babies" will belong to someone else is uncomfortable, but what a selfless act - giving life to two children, and bringing joy to two couples who would never feel that joy otherwise! Ultimately you want what's best for your children. If I were in this situation, I would feel that this option is what's best for my children.

Wow $1,000 a year for two specks smaller than a pen point. That is some kind of rent!

I don't think anyone who hasn't had ivf can answer for you. I haven't and I personally can't understand how 3 cells can be considered human life. There are over 1,000,000 steps between where they are and where they need to be to be a viable human life. Scraping the side of your cheek can get you more human cells than that.

But, if that isn't what YOU believe or the way YOU see it, you and your husband need to figure it out for you. Giving them away to a needy couple sounds like a nice opton. But $1,000 a year to store one test tube (or 2?) sounds like the company is preying on an emotional decision.

Good luck.

Did you change your mind about fertility help ONLY because you were able to conceive naturally. I understand now you feel that you should just let nature take its course if you decide to have more kids. However, I think that could be a mistake if in the future you do try for more kids and are unable to. Your feelings may change and you will feel more like you abandoned these since you are already having some feelings about it.

However in the future if you do come to a concrete stance of no more children you should make a decision then. I see no problems with any of the choices you said. I think in the end it would be what you felt most comfortable with. I understand the stress though, it would be a hard decision for anyone so don't beat yourself up over it. I think I personally wouldn't donate them to a couple and I'd really need to mull over donating them to science especially if I had a bond with them as it sounds like you may. Do they allow a burial type thing? I know that sounds a little strange for an embryo, but if I were attached to something I'd want to memorialize it in someway.

Do you agree that either they are 3 cells that have the potential to be human life, but aren't yet so storing them in sub zero temperatures is OK, (and discarding them is OK too) or they are human life in which case keeping them in suspended animation through freezing seems cruel?

As I understand, some doctors believe that naturally (for lack of a better term) fertilized eggs don't attach and are expelled from the body at at least twice the rate of pregnancy. So, in God's plan, fertilized eggs don't all become babies, they don't even start. Fertilized eggs are in the first steps of the process of baby-making but not the only steps (attachment, nurishment, growth). Until all the steps are completed you don't have a baby. Currently you have a dab of genetic material that came from you and your husband, just like if you had egg and sugar in a cake recipe. It's not a cake until other things have been added and it's baked!

I imagine this type of question is on a lot of people's mind but no one really talks about it.

There is discussion about protecting "life" (as some define it) from the point of conception. I wonder what that would mean in this type of case? I find it offensive when people want to take the power to make these decisions for ourselves away.

Good luck. Don't do anything until you and your husband are sure, but keep in mind the HUGE difference between the beautiful child you are holding and 6 cells in the freezer.

Lovemy4 is a discussion leader for North Central Phoenix, tired mother of 4 great kids and wife to one great husband.

I think donating them to science or another couple are great options. When you start to feel sad, you can think about how they are helping researchers or bringing joy to another childless family.

Susie is a discussion leader in the east valley for arizonamoms.com. She has two sons, ages 6 and 2.