I read an article shortly after the incident of the Hooters Mom leaving her baby in the car all day long. I am going to share with you the article this columnist wrote, and then my response to her article. I will also give you all the link if you would like to read other comments made on this artile. http://www.azcentral.com/members/Blog/Valdez/9883/sort_D
PLEASE - Tell me how you feel.
Young mothers are doomed - Linda Valdez
A baby dies in a car. The next thing you can expect is a horde of pontificating by those who pretend to know why. You can also bet the reasons will be the same ones those people have been harping on for however long they have been harping.
I don’t pretend to know why a waitress at Hooters forgot her 17-month-old in the car for her entire shift. He’s dead. That we know. His father, estranged from the mother, had recently talked to her about her feelings of being overwhelmed. That’s been reported. She may have tried suicide. She was also reportedly supporting her out-of-work boyfriend.
I remember being 22 years old. It was a very, very long time ago. I know for a fact that I was not ready to be a mother. My own mother was ready at that age and she did a fine job with her children. I was part of a much more self-centered generation. I wasn't ready until my 30s. Today’s young people, for all their techno-savvy and early sexuality, seem even less willing to relinquish the free spirit of youth than I was.
Stability is essential for motherhood. No one should attempt it unless raising a child is her primary desire. No one should attempt it unless she has the means to do it well.
A woman who is not in a stable relationship is not ready to be a mother. Stable relationships are rather hard to find at age 22 because people remain very immature at that age and are likely to be attracted to other equally immature people. When those immature people decide to have sex, they should make very certain that a pregnancy does not result. If it does, the fun is over and it is time for the serious work of making a small, often unreasonably demanding person the number one focus of your life. Those who get pregnant and not ready for the responsibility have other choices. There is adoption. There is abortion.
Neglecting the child, abusing the child, allowing someone else to abuse the child or baking the child in a hot car are not choices. They are crimes.
I don’t know too many 22 year olds who are ready to make a child the entire focus of their lives. Especially if they have to rely on waiting tables to support themselves and their offspring – not to mention a boyfriend.
My recommendation to my daughter is that she have her fun first, travel, get her education, find a good profession and a rock solid relationship before becoming pregnant. Then enjoy motherhood. It's the most rewarding job, but you have to be ready to do the work.
To me, that is the one take away lesson from the tragedy of the Hooters waitress whose forgotten child died alone in a car.
MY RESPONSE
Being a young parent does not mean you are doomed. It means you have a decision to make. "Change is inevitable, Growth is intentional".
I myself was (and still am) a young mother. I did exctly what your article said. I got pregnant at a very young age (early 19) while in the military, and hesitantly aborted my pregnancy in fear that I was not ready or responsible enough to become a mother. (Ironically enough, that in itself was pretty responsible). At age 20 I met, married, got pregnant again, divorced, and had my son all the while still in the military. Needless to say, I knew that I had no other choice but to change and grow. My current child, (a beautiful boy at 4 years old), was my decision. I look at our life now, just him and I, and due to my chioce to become responsible, we have now structure, stability, respect, and love.
I could have done what many woman have done and left my child in a hot car to die, or left it at a fire department, or worse yet, intentionall give it up as I had the one before. But I made the decision to, for lack of a better term, "man up", and do what is my gift and responsibility from GOD. Become a mother. Every day as a parent can be a struggle no matter how old you are. (Ask my mother who didn't have me until she was almost 28).
I believe, that being a parent, young or old, is a very difficult thing to live with every day. BUT, when willing, it can be a very natural thing to become that responsible parent. Just because a person is young, does not mean they are irresponsible. Being irresponsible means your are irresponsible.
"Everything will be OK in the end. If EVERYTHING is not OK, it is not the end"
BRAVO on your response. Wow,
BRAVO on your response. Wow, I couldn't have said it better myself.
I can't believe the last line of the column. "To me that is the one take away lesson from this tragedy" that's it?? Her reference to the fact a child was killed and all she gets out of it is that you should go live life and then become a Mother?? Yikes how sad...
KarilouMomof2 is a discussion leader for arizonamoms.com living in Tempe. Her daughters are 9 and 6.
I agree, I had my first
I agree, I had my first child at 19, no car, no job, in college, my boyfriend "manned up" and so did I. I got a job, we shared a car for 3 years, we got married after he was born and we are still together 11 years later. We had tough times but we worked through them. My life no longer mattered, this little baby was all that mattered and I was going to do everything I had to so he could be healthy and happy.
I do have a piece of advise for those who have girls. My mom knew that my senior year in high school I became sexually active (who doesn't by then?) Yet she did not take me to the OBGYN for checkups or to get the pill. When I moved out of state to go to ASU my boyfriend's mom made me an appointment and he (not his mom) took me to the doctor. I was so scared/embarassed/nervous since I had never expierenced that before that I couldn't go in. I didn't know what they were going to do. Guess what...I got pregnant.
Moms, when your daughter reaches 16, take them for OB checks so they know what's going on and since they are going to do it, get them the pill. It only takes once, and it can be the first time that catches them.
Oh, and if there are any people out there that don't "want" their kids, give them to us! There are hundreds of people that would take a child in a heartbeat if it meant life or death for the little one!
Lord please protect these little souls!
Ashley - I admire your
Ashley - I admire your ablity to set priorities and put your child at the top of the list. That's a maturity that some people twice your age don't have.
But, as a 41-year-old mother of two, I have to agree with the columnist that too many young women are having children when they shouldn't. They are not ready for the sacrifice, hard work, cost, etc. And they are not ready to make good choices in boyfriends and husbands - how many stories have we read about abusive boyfriends/live-ins?
I'm certainly not saying all young mothers are doomed - you're proof they're not. But I think you're the exception to the rule today.
Good luck.
Susie is a discussion leader in the east valley for arizonamoms.com. She has two sons, ages 6 and 2.
I agree with you Susie -
I agree with you Susie - Ashley, you sound like a fairly good parent.......... I think there are some great young moms out there - and some terrible older ones - but generally speaking - older women make better mothers. Many young women have a child for all the wrong reasons, and they are woefully unprepared for the emotional and financial sacrifice that motherhood brings and end up taking it out on the child. They also don't have the good judgement that comes with experience and they end up marrying abusers, deadbeats and losers.......then they drag the children through an endless parade of sub-standard men.It's not fair to the child.
Every time I read the news there is another story about a child dying or suffering horrible abuse at the hands of a step-parent or live-in boyfreind....the common denominator is usually a young, un-educated mother.....if the mothers had been more mature before having children then perhaps they would have been able to see the writing on the wall and not latch on to some idiot becuase they can't stand to be without a man.
I had my son when I was 28 - and I shudder to think of what kind of mom I would have been at 18. There is absolutely no way I would have been ready for it, financially or otherwise. I always tell my son there is no way I want him getting married or having a child before he's 30. If I had a daughter I'd tell her the same thing!
I don't think the writer
I don't think the writer could actually believe that all young mothers who aren't in a stable relationship are doomed, but I do think, she's saying they have a much, much more difficult job than those who have kids later. (and I agree with that.)
I did read into her reference of a stable relationship that that would include a relationship with self. Without sounding too touchy feely, I do believe people who have had time to discover who they have better odds at being a good parent.
That being said, it sounds like you know who you are, and part of who you are is a stable, loving parent. Wish there were more young mothers like you!
Lovemy4 is a discussion leader for North Central Phoenix, tired mother of 4 great kids and wife to one great husband.
Funny thing is, in a way, I
Funny thing is, in a way, I do slightly agree with the article this woman wrote. YOUNG mothers are doomed? In some more unfortunate cases. ANY mother who isn't ready? YES!!! I agree that it does take quite a bit of maturity, responsibility, devotion, and a sense of priority to become a mother who can give her child the best in the world. And in reality, some young women (even girls in some cases), just don't have the ability to set up to the plate.
I'm just glad that there are women who HAVE stepped up, and HAVE chosen to be the Mommy that God wanted them to be.
All things happen for a reason. The outcome of those things are always dependant on our actions. Not the Lord's.
Have a great day ladies! I have to work now... :-(
"Everything will be OK in the end. If EVERYTHING is not OK, it is not the end"
I am very irritated and
I am very irritated and saddened with the author of that text. I am 25 year old mother, currently stay at home mom for past 3 months( which is much more work than while I worked).I had my daughter at 24 years old, and though I felt I was mature and was married, motherhood did not come overnight. I tell people all the time, it's not always love at first sight. I fell in love with being a mother and loved my duaghter after caring for her. It was after weeks of sleepless nights, and selflessness in order to meet her needs. She became priority. It was a choice. It had nothing to do with age. I have been on my own since 17 years old, I partied, I traveled and still it was a process of change and growth. It was no easier becuase I wasn't 22 yrs old, or becuase I was married. IT WAS DIFFICULT! As many women know, even being married and having a spouse around doesn't ensure an equal balance of care-taking in the home. Women just seem to pick up the slack, no matter where that is. We handle it ALL! I am sure my husband helped the best he could, but I still took on the brunt of everything. I often was overwhlemed and cried and fussed. I got support from family and friends who encouraged me, told me I was doing an excellent job. Though my daughter is now over a year, things still get very hard- selflessness is still required. The duties of caretaking have changed- but it's not easier as I (or she)age. Some people take longer to develope the parenting skills and I don't feel that we can completely understand the womans state of mind when she left her child. The fact of her admitting she was overwhelmed proves that her mind state wasn't right. That doesnt mean she intentionally left him in the car. Yes, we are responsible for our actions. I know the justice system will take all actions to ensure punishment is delivered. But this child will never return to our world, and we haven't gotten to the root of how we can prevent this problem. The problem, parents feeling overwhlemed and hopeless in their living situations without feeling like there is help out there. WHY you ask? Becuase of the same judgement that was passed through the text we are resonding to."Young mothers are doomed!" Well that's exactly how they feel, there is no help and no solution. It doesn't matter how young or how old the PARENTS are (not just women who harm children)that hurt children, we should make it a lot easier to get these parents help who are in depressed, and desperate situations.
Last but not least, BAD THINGS happen to GOOD parents all the time. We as a socitey chose to show mercy on some and NOT ALL becuase we are a judegmental, and condemning society. Parents who feel they did the best they could, can be parents of murderers and rapist. What judgement do we have for those parents- who where the best examples they can be? They didn't leave there kid in a car. That child may have been an excellent student. Then what?
Its unfortunate, but of
Its unfortunate, but of course, all you hear in the news about young mothers are the bad things they did to children. Im sure no one is going to get on azCentral one day and read an article that says " So & So, 20, young mother of 2. Is such a wonderful mother to her kids" The end. Thats just not how life is. I'm a young mother. I had my daughter at 17. Shes wonderul, raised well, respectful and just all around a wonderful kid. I had hardships along the way, but i overcame them. I ( & my husband, father to both children)provide everyday for my now 2 children and i dont get any government assistance.
so a message to young mothers: the only person you need to prove to that you are a good person and parent. is yourself and you child. and you can do it.
COULDN'T HAVE SAID IT BETTER
COULDN'T HAVE SAID IT BETTER MYSELF
"the only person you need to prove to that you are a good person and parent. is yourself and you child. and you can do it."
"Everything will be OK in the end. If EVERYTHING is not OK, it is not the end"
"A woman who is not in a
"A woman who is not in a stable relationship is not ready to be a mother. "
That has got to be the most bogus line I have ever read in my life. That is also one of the worst stereotypes I've ever heard. I understand that younger mothers may not be the most responsible because they haven't fully matured but I've noticed it's not always young moms making mistakes. Sure they make them more so than older moms, but older moms have had their moments too. I found this whole incident very upsetting....Only because I am a 21 year old mother, my son is also 17 months. I'm not a waitress at Hooters though....
I work very hard being a single mom, and supporting myself and my son. My sons father and I have been split up since I was 3 months pregnant. I never needed a stable relationship to be a good mom. I believe I've actually done a better job doing it alone than having someone else there to help. I've never had to depend on someone else to help me raise my son, and to be honest, I don't think I need someone else to help me....I don't think a stable relationship makes you a good parent.
Sure doing it alone is very hard, but if you can accomplish something like that it just makes you that much stronger. I can kind of agree with girls in their early 20's not being ready to mother a child. I also think though it's more of a matter of learning to accept your responsibilities. Once you're able to do that I am sure anyone can be a good parent.
Also, ladies....If you've got a boyfriend that you're having to support. I am thinking it's time to find a new boyfriend and run away from that one. quickly. And maybe think of a better future for yourself and your child....or at least something a little better than waitressing at Hooters. That girl seemed like she had issues running her own life....
Now that I've rambeled on, have a wonderful day! :) I also wanted to say that your response to that article was great, and I was very amazed by it. IT makes me feel better knowing I am not alone when it comes to be a responsible, young mom. :)
Rads mommie.
I appreciate you all giving
I appreciate you all giving not only myself, but all of the ladies on this site, single mommies or not, credit for being good mothers. It takes a strong woman to do what we do, and may I say...........
WE DO IT DAMN WELL !!!!!!
"Everything will be OK in the end. If EVERYTHING is not OK, it is not the end"
amen.
amen.
I've seen a few good young
I've seen a few good young Mom's in my own personal life/relationships. However, they love their child/children with all of their hearts, they have told me that it wasn't a good decision to have a child so young. The ONLY thing that bothers me about SOME (not ALL, as I said before I know some great-ones and know there are a lot that I don't know personally that got pregnant 100% unintentionally) is that there are a TON of young-Mom's who get pregnant on purpose, "the pill didn't work", etc. That makes me mad, a 16 yr. old girl (16 is a girl) getting pregnant on purpose, by stopping the pill but still telling the boy she's on it and other method's of trickiery I think are so selfish and so sad. As I said before I'm exculded the honest "accidents", like the condom breaking or something. But I know all too well personally and from media that there is a large-"trend" in young-girls and women purposely that's the only bad scenario. I have 2 friends however who got pregnant accidentely (honestly) at 16 and 17, thank-God both had great, emotionally and financially stable, supportive parents that helped a great deal, they are both in their 30's now, college-educated, etc. But regardless it was hard, nothing to be entered into lightly or purposely but if it happens one should grow-up immediately and be the best Mom they can possibly be. That's what has to happen, that's why one shouldn't become pregnant when their still so young ideally. But I thoroughly admire the great young Mom's. :)
But personally I know 100% I have made a better Mom having my first at 34 than I even would've at 24 much less 17. Eeeek. :)