We have two kids - a 6 yr. old daughter and a 4 yr. old son. Both my husband and I are thrilled to have "both kinds" - but we were BOTH equally excited if the 2nd had been another girl.
My husband initially told me he wanted 2 kids (I always wanted 3 or 4 - I'm one of 4, he's 1 of 2). But once our son was born and he got "both kinds" - that sealed the deal. He is ADAMANT he has zero desire for another child.
It has been really difficult for me to accept that I'm done, but equally as difficult to find this is "non-negotiable" with my husband. Literally, he is not interested in remotely considering another or even discussing it.
I know I've been given two beautiful blessings that I'm very grateful for....but every person has preferences for their family size. The reality of my preference is simply different from his. And that is a tough challenge for me to process.
How do I "make peace" with this?
Happy2BMommy, is a stay-at-home mom who just turned 40 (argh!) with a 6 yr. old daughter and a 4 yr. old son, and is a discussion leader for arizonamoms.com living in Scottsdale.
Aww, I am so sorry. I know
Aww, I am so sorry. I know that must be hard. I would try to communicate with him more about this. If it means a lot to you, don't give up. I mean, he isn't the one who has to carry and deliver that baby, so I think you already have the upper hand. If you really want another baby, find a way to get your point across, even in subtle daily life. I think he will realize that if it is that important to you, it's not that bad. But, if he absolutely won't have another child with you and goes and gets a vasectomy, I guess you would be forced to live with that. The best way to make peace, either way, is by communicating with each other and trying to understand where each one is coming from.
Sounds like you both have
Sounds like you both have spoken what you want. I would suggest letting it go, but if you feel you need to do something, write him a letter. I know that sounds weird, but he won't feel threatened by it. I would hate to see you get pregnant and have him be resentful to you. I know you are asking for making peace with this issue. Pray, ask for acceptance and focus on the 2 blessings you already have. God has a plan for you and your family.
On a sort of different note, I have a girlfriend who tried to have a 2nd child for the longest time. Her and her husband finally decided to live in the moment and enjoy their one child. Well, as fate would have it (and God for saw this I believe) the husband died suddenly when their child was almost ready to graduate from High School. If they had been able to have another child, I think it would have been harder for them financially.
KarilouMomof2 is a discussion leader for arizonamoms.com living in Tempe. Her daughters are 9 and 6.
I second the notion of
I second the notion of writing a letter. You'll be able to express your feeling fully, without putting him on the defensive. Don't even ask for an answer, just the chance to express yourself.
This should have been
This should have been discussed before you got married. If it was and you agreed, then it's unfair to put pressure on him, it could cause lasting affects like divorce and such. But if it wasn't then you guys should go to counseling or something. Don't go get pregnant. Some might say that he will be accepting, but a child is a big deal in a family and to undermine him is a turn for just disaster and your other children don't deserve to live in an enviroment like that.
This should be a good learning lesson for you and your spouse when your kids get older and plan on marriage that this is something they should talk about along with how they plan to raise them and discipline.
My parents talked to me about this, 20 years ago, and before I married, me and my husband talked about all of this from raising them, faith, discipline ect. We still have disagreements on things, but for the most part it's been good and we have gone throught alot, from the death of our second daughter and parents, and we are still working together in marriage 19years later.
" just my Opinion"
Oh - I won't be getting
Oh - I won't be getting pregnant "accidentally" - it took professional help! :)
My husband and I don't debate over this anymore - I accepted about 2 years ago that he won't consider more and I stopped trying to "win him over."
(Saying things like my biggest regret in life will be not having more kids....definitely the emotional, hard-sell!).
We don't really discuss it at all anymore.
I just know that I haven't accepted that I'm done. I still think wanting another all the time! Even though my youngest is 4 1/2.
I'm frustrated that I'm not getting my own head in a different place. Such as, I don't want to feel that longing when I see a pregnant lady, etc.
There must be loads of other people who wanted a different sized family as their spouse, but have somehow "settled" it.
Thanks for the letter idea!!
Maybe I just need to have a baby niece or nephew to spoil! har har
Happy2BMommy, is a stay-at-home mom who just turned 40 (argh!) with a 6 yr. old daughter and a 4 yr. old son, and is a discussion leader for arizonamoms.com living in Scottsdale.
Baby Hunger. If what you're
Baby Hunger.
If what you're missing is spoiling and cuddling a baby, maybe you could sign up to be a baby hugger at a local hospital. It takes a commitment and you have to dedicate time for training but you could go and hold babies and ease your own needs and help out somewhere else. If not the hospital, volunteer in the nursery at your house of worship during services, or help out a teen mother in one of the mentoring programs that pair a young mother with a mentor.
First off this sounds like
First off this sounds like something you knew going in to the marriage (your husband only wanting 2 kids). I know that this will be hard to hear, but if you knew that then you should accept that. I'm sorry. My husband and I both thought we were done having kids but the subject arose one day and we were able to make a decision together to have another one. Your husband sounds like he totally had his mind made up before your second child was even conceived. I think the best way to make peace is another suggestion I read. Voluteer at a local hospital or daycare or offer to babysit a friend's little one for a few hours each week. This might help ease the pain of not having another one. I also agree with another suggestion, if you are absolutely adamant about asking to have another child, write a letter to your husband and explain your feelings why in a non threatening way and ask him to maybe keep his mind open to it for a six month period and then discuss with you. You should also weigh out pros and cons of having another baby, that might help make you realize that financially and emotionally you might not want or need that 3rd child so much. Either way, I'm sorry you are going through this...I have seen marriages split over this discussion also, so best of luck in whatever you decide to do!
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
The "baby hunger" comment
The "baby hunger" comment seems very insightful to me. I think the suggestion is a very good one. With both kids in school all day starting next fall - I'm looking forward to more free time. I'm sure there's a bunch of options out there.
Thank you!!
Oh - for clarification - before we were married, all he ever said was "a couple of kids." I suppose we both should have been more specific up front. :)
Happy2BMommy, is a stay-at-home mom who just turned 40 (argh!) with a 6 yr. old daughter and a 4 yr. old son, and is a discussion leader for arizonamoms.com living in Scottsdale.
I'm sorry you're struggling
I'm sorry you're struggling with this right now, and I feel your pain, although our situation is a bit different. My husband and I have been together for 13 years, and he's always said that he could take or leave having kids. Shortly after moving to AZ in 2001, we decided we'd let fate decide, and I went off the pill. By 2003, my OB/GYN was referring us to a fertility clinic, but my husband did not want to go that route (because he would be perfectly content to not have kids). We were pretty shocked to discover in early 2004 that I was pregnant, needless to say. We love our son dearly, and feel blessed to have him. It has not been easy, though. We both have to work full time (different shifts so our son doesn't have to be in full time daycare), our son has been a poor sleeper from day one, he has RSV at 16 months (hospitalized for four days) and was diagnosed with asthma a couple of months later. He was sick A LOT, and we were exhausted and emotionally drained. We finally got the asthma under control early last year, and then began having behavioral problems with our son. He has recently been diagnosed as having sensory processing disorder and high functioning autism. My husband has said absolutely no more kids; he feels we need to focus on our son, and also feels he just doesn't have it in him to do this all again. I don't feel my family is complete. We've been back and forth about it, and just yesterday, we scheduled an appointment for my husband to have a vasectomy. It breaks my heart to know that we'll never have another child, even though I agree completely with all his reasoning. In the end, I decided I needed to be logical and not emotional about the whole thing. We're not terribly young (my husband will be 40 this year, I'll be 37), and our son just needs so much of us. It wouldn't be fair to him to have another child, nor would it be fair to that new child. I've got numerous friends still having kids, and it's bittersweet; I'm happy for them, and yet sad for me. My brother and sister-in-law are expecting a baby girl next month, and it's killing me. But it is what it is, and I'm trying very hard to remember what a blessing we have in the one wonderful, beautiful child we have and focus on that.
Sorry to be so long-winded, but since this is something we've recently went through, I wanted to share. I wish you all the best, and hope you're able to come to a decision you can both be at ease with.
I feel for you and I realize
I feel for you and I realize that's a tough one. Men hate feeling vulnerable, and that's exactly how kids make us feel. I can rattle off ten kids that I know, including my own, who are PERFECT, yet they have OCD, seizures, reflux, asthma, some as yet undiagnosed pooping problem, leaking heart valve, eye glasses, dyslexia and bed wetting! EVERY kid has (or will have) something! Unfortunately, I think that men tend to feel responsible for the ailments of our kids and seek to avoid that feeling. It's unfortunate as we women can see that the joy out weighs any struggle.
And ironically, some of (not yours, just many men I know), these men are (inappropriate term), control freaks, but they are still enjoying a fine life. Aren't they glad that their parents didn't feel that they had their hands full already!
I know what you mean and
I know what you mean and when you know that you are supposed to have more children you feel it all over. Like your family isn't yet complete.
So what if God willing you happen to get pregnant? Like what if your just not careful or something? How would your husband feel? I'm sure he would be over the moon.
My husband was like this and he wouldn't even hear me out at all. It was harder for me b/c we did ivf for my 2 yr old and my husband didn't even want to try that. He was happy with our now 11 yr old. Believe me I had some crazy thoughts on how to get my husband to that clinic and give his sperm sample..LOL... It worked out and he went willing and now he's over joyed that I never take NO for an answer... We now have two more babies b/c I happened to get pg on my own after my daughter. (that wasn't in my plan but what a blessing)!
Good Luck!!!
Maybe skip a few months of the pill??? I can't take a guy, husband or not telling you that your done... You know when your done and if your not then I think your meant to have another one... Just my opinion...Don't jump on me ladies!!!
'I'm not jumping on you but
'I'm not jumping on you but I really think that this is a bad idea. What if her husband get's really upset that she "accidentally" gets pregnant and wants her to get an abortion or starts with the whole "I thought I told you I don't want any more kids" drama. If this is something her husband is absolutely saying "no" to, getting pregnant on the sly is a really, REALLY bad idea. There is no guarantee that he will change his feelings on the matter if she is and again, I have seen marriages break up over incidents like this. I know that no one likes hearing no, especially when it comes in to the talk of having another child. Honestly, I thought I was pregnant about 2 months ago and it FREAKED my husband out (we hadn't decided that we wanted another child yet). I asked him point blank what he'd want to do if I was and he said we'd keep it even though he wasn't sure he wanted another child. Well luckily I wasn't and acutually this helped make the decision to have another baby. If anything I would test the waters of "I'm late and I could be pregnant" before just doing it and even then you might not get an answer you like.
Hope you don't take offense to my comment back, just I want someone to see the good and the bad before doing that. She could very well be forced into an abortion or worse her husband that she loves and adores might just say "no thanks" and walk away. Getting pregnant and having another child is hard enough but even worse when your spouse's heart isn't in it at all
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
yes, I have to agree, I
yes, I have to agree, I think that suggesting she just get pregnant "accidentally" is terrible advice - forcing a pregnancy on a man who is specifically saying he is not ready or willing for that is just about the most selfish and irresponsible thing that a woman can do. Sorry if that offends you, diva, because I am sure you are a very nice person, but that is my honest opinion. Having a child is a HUGE committment and responsibility for BOTH parties and this should absolutely be a mutual decision. I am glad that it seemed to work out for you and your husband and that he eventually welcomed the addition of more children......but not all men would react the same...and some women have found themselves suddenly single parents for pulling a stunt like that.
I used to have a very good male freind who was married and divorced, and he had one child.............he really felt like having children too soon contributed to the demise of his first marriage........so when he met someone else and decided he wanted to marry again, he said no more children. The second wife initially agreed with him, but changed her mind after a few months of marriage and decided she wanted to get pregnant. My freind was adamant that he did not want another child, and said absolutely not, but I guess this girl didn't want to be told what to do either, so she went off of birth control and she became pregnant. Well - he was not "over the moon" at this news - as a matter of fact he was livid - and he ended up leaving her. They divorced, she moved away, and he signed away his rights to the baby. Did I agree with his decision? No, I thought it was terrible, but I also thought her actions in trying to trick him into being a father again were reprehensible, and because of his stubbornness and her selfishness, there is a child out there growing up without a father in their life, who will someday learn his/her father didn't want them. Men don't always stick around when you back them into a corner.
To also put another spin on this - what if a woman decided she were not willing to have another child at this time, but it was her husband who wanted a baby immediately despite her reluctance. Would you think he would be justified in somehow sabotaging her birth control so she "accidentally" got pregnant, just because that's what he wanted and he didn't like her telling him he was "done" having kids?
Oh no.. I don't take offense
Oh no.. I don't take offense to your comment back.. Not at all.. I think you have a really good point. If my husband ever did the whole no way no more kids then that might be how I personally would handle it because I know how my husband would react once he heard the news that I was pg again... Her husband could very well flip.. so I think you have a great point....
You might try having foster
You might try having foster babies. There are lots of babies out there for whom someone like you would be a blessing. There is even a type of foster care called "respite care," which is when the real foster parents simply need a break, so respite care is very short term--a weekend or a few weeks.
It might satisfy your craving for babies and might be short-term enough to not freak-out your hubby. Plus, those babies need love and attention.
Contact Catholic Social Services if you're interested. You don't have to be Catholic--I'm not that that's the service I went through to get certified for foster care.
Chris Marsh--mother, teacher, runner, coach....