Advice

First off, your friend needs to take control of her life because as long as she's got an "open door" for her soon-to-be-ex she's giving him control over the lives of her and their children.

I understand that they are heartbroken, but she's got to be strong for the kids, they need to look to her for a strong role model on how to move on, she's also got to let the kids know that his leaving has nothing to do with them. If she does not reinforce this, then they will internalize it and believe that it is their fault he left, i.e. "if I had been a better child daddy would still be here and still love us". She also needs to make sure to reinforce that daddy loves them even if he doesn't come around and she needs to remember not to bad mouth him in front of them.

She also needs to go to Family Support and set up a case so she can get child support for the kids starting the day he left. Being that she wants him back she may be reticent to do so thinking that he will be mad that she's trying to "take his money" when in fact she has a duty to make sure that her kids have that money. Regardless of what he will say (and he will try to guilt her into dropping the case) she MUST remember that the money is for the kids. It's to help her with food, clothing, school supplies, extra-curricular activities, day care, and keeping a roof over their heads. He is also responsible for providing medical coverage (vision and dental as well) for the kids. When she goes to apply for child support, she needs to let them know that by his own choice he has only seen the kids for 20 minutes since he left. If she gets it in writing immediately he can't come back and try to say she keeps the kids from him.

If he wanted a life without responsibilities he should have thought about that before making children that he is required by law to support until they are 18 and out of high school.

I wish your friend lots of luck and hope that she can muster the strength to raise her kids on her own.

It is better to be hated for what you are, than to be loved for what you are not.

He wants a life with no responsibility. Unbelievable.
Usually once she gets on her feet, finds another love, forgets about him, is when a man wants to enter back into the life he tore apart.
I would give her all the support, tell her to reach out to family and friends for strength, focus on her and the kids, and assume that God has a different road for her.
You can not sit around and wait for someone to return if he does not want you.
Its heart broken, but what other choice does she have.
Its not the end of the world, although it may seem like it.
She probably will hit rock bottom, but after she bounces back up, watch out, because she will be tough as a rock.
Be strong for herself and kids. There is nothing else to do but take day by day. He will regret it, but it takes time before he realizes it. It may be months, or years, so get on with life.
The more you wait and chase someone, the faster he runs.
The best medicine for this is to just play dead. Once you quit contacting him, act like he is not woth having, this is usually when they want you back. She just needs lots of support right now and encouragement. Just remind her that she is not the only woman and will not be the last woman to experience a childish husband. My grandma is 87, and in my younger days, she always told me to place a ribbon on him and let him go.

One Happy Mom in Arizona.

She needs to find out if she wants to try to reconcile their marriage. If she does, she needs to sit and talk with him to see if he wants to. If he don't, then she needs to start taking the steps to protect herself and her children. Having an open door policy allows him to go test the waters and come back when he choses, so not fair to her or the children. They need structure. Sounds like she needs to just start the process. Perhaps she could go to counseling to mend her broken heart. ??

There is no way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a good one!

I am sorry when I say she has an open door I just mean she told him he can come and see his kids anytime. He chosen to do so only once and for 20 minutes. She is starting therapy. He has stated he is gone for good.

My first husband did that to me several years ago. Fortunately, we didn't have children. I was sad for several months, but started to feel joy creeping back in to my life after those months had passed. Sadly, she has to deal with her children's grief too. Tell your friend, that his leaving is not her fault. She didn't need to be prettier, skinnier, a better cook, etc in order to keep him. He has some problems of his own and running away is his selfish way of dealing with it. I read a lot and found it very healing. There are tons of books out there that may give her some peace and help her realize that this is about him. My ex wouldn't consider counseling, but if her husband will, that's great. However, I wouldn't hold my breath. Many times, men that run away have made up their minds a long time ago. My heart goes out to your friend.

Hobbymommy, 38, is a discussion leader from Mesa. She is a happy stay-at-home mommy to a 3-year-old daughter and a 2-year-old son.

I agree with everything everyone else has said so far.

I would also add that it's just as important that the kids have someone to talk to. They are grieving too - for their dad, for the "safety of old routines", for all the things in the future that their dad wont be there to see, do or take them to. It can help children to draw or use clay in order to talk through feelings. I do this a lot with my children under 10 when there is a difficult subject to discuss. Sometimes as simple as hurt feelings but I also used the same thing when my husband died to work through things. We sit down together and draw what we would like things to be like and talk about how nice that would be. We draw what we think it's like now and we talk about the sad/happy things as we are drawing (what colour do you think goes with that feeling?). It gives you a lot of opportunity to assess what's going on and how best to help. It gives you opportunity to remind them of all the great things that are different now too (we have an extra seat in the car now so maybe we could take grandma/aunt/uncle/friends with us to the park, pool, movies, etc.). It's less confronting for kids to talk about things while they are doing some art or craft and clay is great for getting angry feelings out!

As a friend I think you just need to be there. I dont think you need to DO anything except allow your friend to find her own way through this knowing you are by her side no matter what she decides to do or not do.

Life is really tough sometimes but it's always worth it. :-))

I've heard of an organization called Fresh Start Women's Foundation (http://www.wehelpwomen.com/) and according to their website, "The Center is designed for women ages 18 years or older who are seeking information, resources and assistance in their quest for emotional and financial independence." Have her contact this organization for whatever assistance she might need.

I also agree with what others have said. Your friend's children will take their cues from her as to how they should respond to this situation. She needs to reassure them that she is there for them and that, together, they will make it through.

Patricia is a discussion leader for arizonamoms.com. She and her husband live in Phoenix and are raising a 4-year-old son they adopted as an infant.