Hi everyone! I am so happy to be on here. Found it a few days ago & couldn't wait to join other Moms in all kinds of great discussion!
I hope its ok to ask for advice/opinions on my 1st visit.
Im a single mother of 3.. I am dating, for the past year, a wonderful, great guy. He is a friend from the past and I never would of thought we would have hit it off in this way. We truly are happy together. He has been going thru a very ugly divorce. They were mostly "parenting partners" under one roof, not like husband/wife. He finally filed for divorce over 20 months ago.
It's been a nightmare. Battles of custody, child support, the ex abusing prescription pills, fired from pharmacy jobs for pill theft, her wanting to move to another state with the kids, running off and doing so and then being ordered back.
It's been the craziest, most emotional thing I have witnessed. Here's the thing. We both agreed kids come first of course. always. My children dont know about him and I, and his kids do not know either. We rarely get much time together. We both work graveyards but different start and end times. He gets his kids each day over the summer 3-7pm, weekends 2-7pm. His final "hopefully the end" court date is 9-22 and he should get the 2-2-5 schedule. There were a few weeks in June that my kids went out of state to visit Grandparents. I got to see him 3 times a week and felt pretty spoiled!
Im so happy he is finally getting normal time with his kids and there is an end in sight. Before June and all the months before that all he got was 2 evenings a week. Im so very happy he will have the kids more, but I fear that it will be nearly impossible to see one another. On my nights off (i work weekends, he has weekends off) I will have my kids. He will get his every other weekend. I guess the hardest part is knowing where you want to be, but not being able to go there yet, for the sake of others.
We dont want to tell the kids yet. His kids finally have Dad back, this weekend will be their first time getting to be with Dad past 7pm since Jan 2007., finally getting to sleep under their own roof and fall asleep in their own beds since Jan 2007.. Its been long awaited and emotional and traumatic. It is by far not the right time to tell his kids. He needs to re-establish their lives together, get back to some normalcy, help them find their way.
I guess I am just...scared. Im in a place where I am ready to be with him at all times, let my kids in on him, be together "out loud". Feel like I cant wait any longer. He's in a place that requires more discretion now than ever. Do I just be patient? We now will be seeing each other maybe 4 hours a week, if that, due to him getting the kids more frequently, shift changes, his kid schedule going a bit opposite of mine since I work weekends, etc. Will this survive? I know I need to just be patient, but it's been the longest (but also happiest!) year of my life. Do blended families survive? Has anyone else had to play the waiting game, to do things the right way for all involved?
Is all you can do is wait, be supportive, and be happy for his happy?
Thanks for listening im so sorry it turned into a BOOK! Thank you for having me as a part of this page, Im really excited to share-help-bond with other Mommies! :)
feeling blessed
Sounds like you just need to
Sounds like you just need to be patient and wait it out. If you both care for each other you can make it work with the little time you get together.
I'm there now! I'm a single
I'm there now! I'm a single mom to 3 at home. Their dad does not really participate and lives out of state, no drama on my end, I have my kids 24/7, so there is really no way I could keep them out of the loop that I was dating. This man seemed to want a real relationship, but in his case, similar, still in the middle of bitter situation and had split custody one week/one week, but the kids (all teens) were at his house most of the time. I know kids come first, mine do too, but his kids really don't want him to date and they have know we are dating and since their mom threw her boyfriend in their face, he has been overly cautious with them.It is not a good feeling to be the bottom of the totem pole all the time. My kids included in this feeling because he has made promises to them, then can't follow through because something comes up on his end to cancel. We've broken up so many times, but we care about each other a lot. I've been divorced over 4 years and am ready to be in that spot where we spend a lot of time together (not ready for marriage--but much more serious) and my kids really want a father and don't understand why he is like this. He keeps telling to wait, he is getting things situated, but honestly, I don't know that it will ever change. My kids are have a different point of view than his, open to him as their dad, his kids see me and my kids as someone who their dad will spend their money and time on instead of them, so, sorry I guess this went nowhere as far as giving advice, but maybe just help to know you aren't alone! Dating with kids is not easy, that is all I can say. I hate that my kids have to be a part of all this. I can remember for the first 4 months, he shoe'd me out the house when he'd find out his daughter was coming over (2 of his sons already met me, but he was scared to have his daughter meet me because she was close with her mom). I felt like the "other woman" who needed to hide in the closet. The funny thing is, in the end, when she finally met me, she was more easy going and friendly than the boys! I think he actually is being more over protective than he needs to be, which after a year, I think it is time to just throw the whole gang together and see what happens, if the kids don't get along, then we know this is something that just can't work because I am getting tired of only seeing him once or twice a week for a few hours, I am looking for something more real at this point, something I can put more committment and time into.
How old are your/his kids? How in the world can you be in a relationship without your kids knowing? My kids know every move I make whether it be a phone call or know I'm putting on slightly more make up for a date! I can't keep anything from them!!
Single mom in Mesa to two great kids (8 & 10) and two great adults (18 & 20)
I think when a person gets
I think when a person gets involved with another person with kids, you already know what you are getting yourself into.
Now that you are involved, you know the kids should come first. So, you may be the one on the back burner.
I think as bad as it hurts, you need to be patient and let your friend get his life back as he works out a schedule with the children before you start wanting all his time and attention.
You can still talk as much as possible, but just step back and let him get situated. I think he will appreciate it more.
At least, this is what I would want if I was in his shoes.
Then once things smooth out, and you have been together longer, maybe then the kids will meet you and life will get better for you and him.
Keep us updated..
Welcome!!!
One Happy Mom in Arizona.
I agree you need to wait. As
I agree you need to wait. As hard as it sounds, it's better than trying to rush things and having them implode around you. And it's true that if you both are REALLY in love and meant to be together, it will work out. After all, there are couples who go months or even YEARS without seeing each other at all --- just look at all the troops deployed for 15 months or longer over seas --- but whose love stays strong. In the long run, you'll be better off for it because you'll know you did the right thing, made the sacrifices, showed that your love was strong enough to withstand serious hardship, and you've conquered all!
PS --- When you do tell the kids, don't be surprised if they aren't as thrilled as you are with the new situation. Maybe they will be, and that would be great, but if they don't share your joy just give them some space and don't try to force them to be 'one big happy family.' They are mourning the loss of the 'family' they once thought they'd have forever, and are not sure how they'll fit into this new arragement. But if you let them adjust at their own space, it will go much better!
Good luck and God bless!
New to AZ --- and missing autumn leaves and the smell of apple orchards!
Welcome! Think of it this
Welcome!
Think of it this way. If, down the road, you become a step-mom as well as a mom, you'll want a good relationship with your step-kids. It's hard to make that happen if they start out angry or resentful towards you.
You're waiting for him, but you're also waiting for them -- your bonus kids. They're just not quite ready for you yet.
In terms of blended families, don't expect to be the Brady Bunch. Go rent the old movie "Yours, Mine, and Ours" with Lucille Ball and Henry Fonda. It may be dated, but it's hilariously real.
Having a blended family,
Having a blended family, that movie does not seem real to any means. I wish we could record our lives so that reality comes through. haha. It ain't all peaches or able to laugh about it. There are some struggles, differences in discipline, structure, etc.
There is no way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a good one!
Ah, but you have to like
Ah, but you have to like when his boys get her drunk. And when the little boy tells the mean nun, "We got married!"
Welcome! I have a blended
Welcome!
I have a blended family. I married my highschool sweetheart 11 years after high school. We broke up my senior year, I had a child, he had a child then reconnected many years later. However, during the split I remained close friends with his mom so my child and his child always knew each other, but now are sisters. It can work and does work and it's the most rewarding feeling in the world to help raise another child as your own.
Why can't you all hang out and introduce all as "friends" like this is my friend Joe and these are Joe's children...so on and so on. I see no problem as introducing all as friends, yes, you may not be able to be ask cuddly as you'd like but you will be with him and the kids can interact. Also, once our children moved in together there was some tension/awkwardness so we had them share a room for a year to get to know each other better and accept each other... they are the closest. They are both awesome sisters to our now 10-month old. Good luck! It can happen and maybe you should wait, but I see no harm in hanging out with "friends".
There is no way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a good one!
*****Thank you gals SO MUCH!
*****Thank you gals SO MUCH! I appreciate you all welcoming me. It was so great waking up to all kinds of words of wisdom and things I havent even considered. I absolutely adore him, and cant wait to be apart of his life and his childrens. His Mom and Grandmother have welcomed me in for dinner and things like that, we have their full support and they know we are happy. You all are right, waiting isnt a bad thing. I would really kick myself if we dove in too quick, and I bet if the shoe was on the other foot--him diving in too quick that could even scare me away. I want to respect his wishes and support his newfound happiness. Its been a work of art watching it all progress. I should be thanking my lucky stars he wants his kids all the time, and wants whats best for them. And you are right, there are others out there seperated by seas and oceans and life and death duties, I almost feel a bit greedy for not thinking in that light. If its forever, as we feel it is, then there is no rush. I guess its just that "kid in a candy store" so excited feeling to be happy and want it all. When I sit back & look at it, we have lots to experience instead of it all happening at once. We've only shared an overnight maybe twice in a year..never a roadtrip or a holiday..there's more to come. And with the kids about to start school I think my mind & its focus is about to redirect. As for the friends meeting up suggestion, I really thank you for that! We have tossed this idea around a few times, now that he gets the kids at a decent time, we were thinking of a swim at the local pool and meeting up. Before this, I would be on my way to work as his visit with the kids were ending it was really impossibly. Now he has them all weekend, we would really like to meet up and let the kids play. As for ryzagaja's post, Im so sorry for what you are going thru! It sounds so tough, and like you said, bottom of the totem pole. Im sorry for you having to be in those shoes. Im learning though...all you can do is love what you have..love your kids, keep yourself and them occupied and whatevers planned for us up ahead will come to us...but the waiting is no fun. I wish you all kinds of luck!!
Thank you everybody! :)
PS..One of you had asked the childrens ages. I have a son 11, daughter 9, daughter 4. He has a son 12, a daughter 7, a daughter 4. Its kind of neat how they each have one close to their own age :)
feeling blessed
i say wait and see. it
i say wait and see. it sounds like he is great but there are other things sorrounding him at this time.
discussion leader, mom of an 11 year old girl. At this time, she is trying to make it work between raising her and having a full time job!