Pls. help - out of state parenting?

My boyfriend left his daughter in philadelphia to move here for a great job (and he met here)....it was the biggest mistake he ever made.......the relationship with his daughter sufferred tremendously. No amount of money is worth being away from your child in our opinion. PS ....He is moving back to be with her.

Whatever she does, get every detail in writing - court approved. (Times, who's responsible financially for travel, whether she needs a companion, or flies alone, etc). Out of state "open visitation / parent good rapport agreements" do not work. The parent with the child has all the power.

My brother let his ex-wife take their child out of state, agreeing to an open visitation. Big mistake!

My daughter's father is in the military and stationed in San Diego. Since he is not here to utilize his every other weekend visits, his mother uses them. She picks her up every other weekend for him. As for summer, when she was younger, she would go out of state for 1 week a month, now that she is older, she flies by herself (court ordered) and goes 4 weeks of summer consecutively, one week of Christmas break and we alternate spring breaks.

There is no way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a good one!

My daughter's dad is in the military and since we have been divorced (almost 7 years now) he rarely sees or talks to his daughter. In the begining it wasn't this way and when I first moved home to AZ with my kids he would come out to visit like 3-5 times a year. It's now been over a year since he's seen his daughter and it's been 2 months or so since he's called to check on her. I literally wrote him an email yesterday saying to start planning because whether he likes it or not, he will be taking his daughter for her X-mas break or I will be taking him back to court to file for sole custody and ask for more money (my child support is based on him seeing his daughter every weekend and once during the week). I hope she can maintain a better relationship than he has with his child, but I also hope she reconsiders that it might be better just for her to stay put and look for a new job. Either way, I wish her the best!

"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."

I strongly feel that children need their mother and even more so when they are younger and even above that I feel especially strong that daughters need their mothers. There are girl things that happen or come up that a father can't relate to, no offense to men or fathers I just think that's the way it is. Now if it was a forced issued, i.e. the mother was just dropping out of the picture or the mother wasn't good for the daughter, etc. then that's a different story, but when it's a voluntary thing then I think you need to make the choice to stay with your daughter. When you have children you are going to sometimes run into tough decisions and decisions that you have to make even if it's not what you want to do, i.e. turning down a job as to not uproot children, your family, etc. that's just what comes along with being a mom. I could be wrong, but if there is a close relationship between mother and daughter moving and leaving daughter behind will definitely diminish that and may even cause some resentment down the road, i.e daughter towards mother. There is nothing in the world that could or would allow me to up and leave my child and or turn over custody to the father and especially not a great job offer ... money is often pursuasive, but when you have a family and or children to consider you can't let money be the determining factor ... there's more important things to consider - your kids and family!!

I personally would do WHATEVER it took to stay where my daughter was! Struggle or not, I'd cut back (and have had to) to keep my family together. One thing to think of is the cost of traveling to see her daughter (or the daughter coming to see her). I just really think once she has left her daughter behind, her daughter will feel abandoned as well as lose that bond of being with her mom 50% of the time, especially since the father has remarried and probably has a "stable" homelife for her. I'm not judging by any means, but to me, there has to be some other option than to leave behind your child. Maybe have her post to this site directly to get some ideas of what she can do to make it without moving!!!

Single mom in Mesa to two great kids (8 & 10) and two great adults (18 & 20)

ya know what...
My daughter lives full time with her Mother in Orlando and after spending the past 6 years flying out to see her and bringing her here for visits, this past fall her mom and new husband ran into some personal issues. My little girl had transferred to three different schools in her first three months of kindergarten and was sleeping on her grandmother's couch. All because of this "keep the kids with you" mentality. I brought her to Arizona for the remainder of the school year where she has her own room, a loving dad and dog, as well as the STABILITY of knowing where she is going to be from day to day. She's heading home for summer, then back here for 1st grade, since she has two families, not just the one with her mom. We have regualr calls, send mail, utilize a webcam and since she loses so much time to travel, three day weekends are better spent out here. Not all dads are the worst option, and sometimes you have to put aside that selfish mindset and do what's truly best for the child. As long as you stay consistent and follow up with committments, they adapt amazingly well... school keeps them busy, and being involved is much more valuable than just being there.

I don't have advice on a parenting schedule. It's really hard on kids when their parents live far away. There is a lot that can be done to keep in touch, but it's not the same as living in the same city and having actual contact.

Has your friend looked into all the other options on staying here? I can't imagine leaving my child just for more money. It's hard enough for children to deal with everything that comes with divorce. The poor daughter will surely have abandonment issues. Think about it from her perspective "making more money/having more things are more important to mommy than I am" I know that sounds harsh, but that's how kids feel.

I've personally stayed in this city so my daughter can be close to her father. There have been many times through the years that I would have been better off financially and had a better support system had I moved out of state with my daughter.

If she is really going to move, I think they need to look at what is most fair to her daughter and not what is fair to the parents. Having the daughter travel to see mom over all the school breaks and summer may be good for mom, but not so great for the child. School breaks are also for hanging out with friends and doing other fun "down time" things. Looking to the future...what happens when her daughter is in sports or other activities? It seems like she will miss out on a lot.

I know you are getting a lot of negative comments (mine included) on what your friend is doing. I also want to add that I think she is looking at what's best for her daughter by leaving her here with dad and not uprooting her.

I wish her the best of luck....

For her this is a last resort effort to keep above bills. If she stays she will continue to go down a road of instability for the pair of them and ultimately loose the child anyhow. I won't share the details but just trust that she's exhausted all options. And yes, if she were interested in what's fair for her she'd propose to relocate the child.