So we have been doing really good with the ex wife and kids the last few months until this weekend. My hubby's ex dropped the girl's off on Friday while I was at the grocery store and when I came home I said hi to the girls and the eldest one barely mumbled hi and looked away. Immediately I knew something was wrong so I asked my husband what was up. He tells me that when their mother dropped off the girls she said that she was in trouble because Thursday night she had a school function (play or something) that she was supposed to be in and so she got all 3 girls ready to go, in the car and there and my eldest step daughter got out of the car there and announced, "I don't want to be in the play" and the mother said "we all got ready to go and you're going to be in it." and then she proceeded to throw a tantrum. As my hubby is telling me this story (and stating that when he was told this, he told her "then you will be in trouble over here also") I disagreed with her being punished for her "fit." First off, my step daughter is 11 and in the year and some months I've been a part of her life, I've seen her get mad, upset, pout and say, "I'm not doing something," but have NEVER seen her throw a fit. However, I have heard her say on more than one occasion that she doesn't like presenting or giving her book reports to the class, singing in music class, and only has a few close friends. She is extremely shy and reserved and gets embarrassed very easily (all my hubby's personality and traits). Once I pointed this out to him, he agreed and we talked to her and explained that she wasn't going to be grounded at our house and that the next time she didn't want to participate in one of these events be honest with her mother and then call us and tell us (even though we were not invited). She agreed and we thought all was fine, until today. While my hubby was at work, he got a call from his ex stating that if we couldn't be on the same page as her with discipline then she didn't want to hear anything about the girl's behavior at our house (we have had some serious issues also). I thought that was out of line and of course now my hubby thinks that I was being too easy on her. So was I being too easy on her? I'm not a easy going parent (in my opinion), I scold, take away priveledges, use time out and all that other stuff. I don't play favorites either. I just think that if your child dislikes being the center of attention then why would you force it (or force anything for that matter)? She didn't lose a grade, points and this wasn't something that she was obligated to do or assigned to do.
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
I think you did. Just like
I think you did. Just like when you and your husband discipline you want to be on the same page same goes for the ex. You should have at least called the ex to find out the whole story.
If kids sign up for something they need to know that they need to follow thru with it. This way they think twice about signing up for things. She let down everyone else who was in the play. They were counting on her to be there. There may have been another girl who wanted to be in the play and coudn't because your daughter was. This sets a precedence that it is ok to bail on something at the last minute. I don't know about you but I don't like adults that do that to me.
I struggle with the same
I struggle with the same concern. I have been married to my step-childre's father for more than half their lives at this point and we still hit bumpy waters here and there, particularly since my parenting style is dramatically different from their biological mother's style.
The harsh reality is that as much as you love your step-daughter (and she is truly blessed to have such a loving step-mother indeed), she is not your genetic child. And, when you married your husband, you also married his ex and into the life of being a step-parent and all the interesting life changes that go along with it. I have days that I am not quite sure that I will ever adjust 100% and it is really difficult to care about a child and either see them (1) neglected or (2) punished too harshly by either parent.
I do a lot of reading to keep my (step) parenting skills in good shape and time and again the advice on dealing with discipline that starts at one house is for it to carry to the next (meaning that if a child gets grounded at Mom's house, then the grounding stays in place at Dad's house). That doesn't mean that you have to like it, agree with it, etc., but you must honor it. Period. Children need consistency in discipline strategies - even if her manner of communicating about the discipline could use some taming. (Sounds like she was aggressive.)
As both a biological mother and a stepmother myself, I believe you have every right to discuss and calibrate the discipline strategies you use in your home with your husband. But, the chances of your calibrating them with his ex-wife are not as negotiable and it's harder for them to "stick." Remember - there is a reason why he is NO longer married to her! (maybe a difference in parenting management was one of them? Statistically, it usually is.)
It's really, really hard to keep your reactions private between yourself and your husband, but you must make it a practice to not let your stepchildren see you disagree with their father over their mother (does that make sense?). This can have backlash, if not immediately, in the future.
You have my deepest understanding...
Mouse_tales is a discussion leader in the East Valley for arizonamoms.com. She spends most of her days juggling her duties as a mom, wife, and business owner. Her three little kittens range in age from 4 to 13.
Ugh!!! Absolutely true....
Ugh!!! Absolutely true....
H~
Mom of 2 Daughters - Kelly (3 yrs) and Skylar (20 mos old)
zoostationu2@hotmail.com
I can see your point in why
I can see your point in why you dont think she should be punished, but both set of parents need to be on the same page. If the child is punished at one home, it should go for the other.
Oh I should clarify a couple
Oh I should clarify a couple of things. My husband DID get the whole story from the mother and my thoughts on the matter were shared privately (not in front of any of the kids) and then he chose to agree with me after I said, “I don’t get what the big deal was if she didn’t sign up to do it, it wasn’t mandatory and they hadn’t invested time or money in to it” (it was basically like a social were you go or don’t go and attend). When we questioned our step daughter about it she didn’t agree or disagree about how she behaved, but did state that she had told her mom she didn’t want to be a part of it. Oh and also the mom didn't really say what her punishment was (like if she was grounded), she just told the story and expected her to be punished by us (it was almost like her mom just told my husband because she knew he would automatically punish her which is how it was in thier house when they were married).
I guess I’m just mad about the whole thing because I feel like I’m getting blamed because I said so what and he originally agreed but now that she’s bent, he thinks I was wrong.
As far as consistency goes, I do agree with that and I do try and carry out on punishments, I just really feel like this was kind of blown out of portion.
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
And, yet one more challenge
And, yet one more challenge of being a step-mom! Can I just tell you that I still hate eating crow although it seems like I eat it more than ever lately...
Being a step-mom is one of (if not) the toughest duties you'll ever have. Sounds like the mom's lack of unexpresed expectations is the real reasons for the uproar. I would just chalk it up to her lack of communication and not worry about taking the blame. I feel caught in the middle sometimes, too.
Gosh, you have no idea how much I feel for you! (it was like reading my own post).
Mouse_tales is a discussion leader in the East Valley for arizonamoms.com. She spends most of her days juggling her duties as a mom, wife, and business owner. Her three little kittens range in age from 4 to 13.
lol...like I said in the
lol...like I said in the begining it's been quite a while since we've had any issues. My hubby has seen me completely lose it on some of the (inappropriate term) the mom pulls. We've had everything from her trying to ruin birthday parties we've planned to asking to take back to her house the X-mas, birthday gifts our side has bought them. I too am a mom to my own 2 and get along on a pretty "normal" basis with the dads and and 1 extra step mom so this has been a complete learning process for me lol.
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
I was actually a step-mom
I was actually a step-mom before becoming a biological mom...and wow, I can really feel the difference. I wonder sometimes if that has caused me to be less tolerant of such struggles, watching this whole extended family thing evolve.
I think that having to keep the switch on/off (i.e., momma to not the momma) after you've had your own children is so very, very difficult. (Or, if it's even possible??)
Yeah, I feel your pain!
Mouse_tales is a discussion leader in the East Valley for arizonamoms.com. She spends most of her days juggling her duties as a mom, wife, and business owner. Her three little kittens range in age from 4 to 13.
Two thoughts: The girl
Two thoughts: The girl definately seems shy and shouldn't be forced into a public situation that makes her uncomfortable. Her dad and mom need to agree on that.
On the discipline, her mom shouldn't have assumed that the punishment goes from one house to another. But mom and dad HAVE to come to an agreement on this kind of thing in the future so the poor girl has consistency. If she's grounded for skipping homework, for instance, mom needs to call dad and explain what happened and make sure they're on the same page about the consequence. Not little stuff, but things that have larger consequences.
Susie is a discussion leader in the east valley for arizonamoms.com. She has two sons, ages 7 and 3.
I totally agree with you.
I totally agree with you. Homework, fighting, stealing and things like this are carried over from thier house to mine (luckily I don't seem to have these issues with my 2). I did ask my husband why she was making it in to "such a big deal" and he was like I don't know. Hopefully I go home today and it's solved or he doesn't mention it and goes to work tonight. Oh and just because I don't agree that she should have been punished ALL weekend I do think she should have been punished that evening for acting out. If the tables were turned, my punishment would have been go home, no TV, and straight to bed. That seems much more suitable.
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
I think unless something
I think unless something borders on abuse, you should stay out of it. It sounds like this is going to continue for a very long time. I think you should try to keep it between your husband and his ex wife. Not you. Maybe Mom's trying to help her overcome her shyness? Maybe she thinks in the long run it will help? Either way, you being the "step" are never going to win. I would stand by, support and try to keep as quiet as possible.
Paz
Yea, that's a tough
Yea, that's a tough situation. I don't think u were being too hard on her. It's not good to force a child to do something. However, sometimes a child needs to be pushed into doing something. When I was younger, my mom used to put me in ALL these school talent shows and piano recitals, and ballet competitions and at the time - I sort of hated it because I was shy. But I'm SOOOO glad she did that because it's helped me overcome my shyness.