Hello,
I'm so glad I stumbled across this site, since I have not been able to seek help on Stepmom issues.
My stepdaughter is 11, I have been involved in her life since she was 16 months, married to father for 5 years. My husband & I have two children together, ages 2 & 3 (not relevent but may shed some light is the issues we have with bio mom). Stepdaughter visits every Monday
I love my stepdaughter very much but biomom makes it very hard to have a true meaningful relationship with her.
I truly feel, and have also felt this way that mom has had second thoughts about divorcing dad, we both feel she thought life would be greener on the other side and dad would not have met someone, but he did & someone who has excepted her daughter as her own. She has told daughter that dad left mom for me, which couldn't be farther from the truth, and mind you that was told to us from daughter at about 9 or 10.
I do not have a reletionship with mom she is very dishonest, I wish we could for her daughter sake and everyones benefit. For example when daughter was maybe 3 and sick could not go to daycare, mom & dad could not take off work, so I (the girlfriend at the time) took time off work to care for daughter. I met mom at a public place, she refuses meet at a house, to get daughter, I said hello she didn't say a word to me or her daughter, sometime later maybe a month or so she claimed I had an altercation & exchange of hurtful words to her, now I remember is saying hello, not sure where she gets altercation and hurtful words, but ok.... I called her back on the phone with my husband (boyfriend at the time) and asked her way she would say that, she went psycho on me, I felt the best thing to do was to disconnet the call. Since this experience I would never put myself to be alone or speak to her, I know it's really sad but it's in my best interest. Last incident she attached my husband when he picked up their daughter, she punched him in the face, left a mark, he admits he had a few choice words with her, but she knew what buttons to push with him to get him upset. We had a restraining order on her, which just expired this month. Charges were filed but were on acted on the city of Glendale felt there wasn't enough to go on. She somehow convinced daughter that it was ok to hit dad....I know wrong but that is what daughter said. Mom does no wrong in daughters eyes, which should be correct, but come on!!!!! Now it is all starting again, but she is working through the daughter. Daughter is enrolled in serveral activities, that sometimes roll into dads visitation, we try to accomodate but info is not given to us and she tells daughter that we are at fault and if it were for our 3 year old we would be accomodating to her (sister) schedule, she is trying to pit daughter on her 3 year old sister. We have now told dughter that if info is not given to us we can not participate, we have also told her that it is her responsibilty to get us the info, if she wants to participate since mom always sends dad on a wild goose chase to obtain info about activities she enrolled her in w/o involving dad.
I guess I'm just a tired stay at home mom of 2 toddlers & a stepdaughter who feels guilty loving me becuase her mom still hasn't excepted the fact that I'm in her life for good & I am a good person to her daughter.
Thanks for letting me vent maybe someone will read this and have some insight. When I met my husband I was very naive and thought because she was a mom she would open her heart and except that someone else would & could love her daughter, but I was wrong it seems as if things are getting worse.
Thanks for reading sad mom:(
Life is full of gifts, enjoys each and everyone of them
Welcome to arizonamoms. I am
Welcome to arizonamoms. I am sorry to hear what you are going through I couldn't imagine. I have never been in your shoes but I would suggest to just be strong, and keep doing what you're doing which is loving your stepdaughter with all your heart. Its hard for your stepdaughter too. Talk to your husband and see what you two can do together.
Jennifer is a discussion leader for arizonamoms.com and mommy to four beautiful girls who range from 9 to 4 years of age.
This is such a tough one. It
This is such a tough one. It sounds like your heart is in the right place so stay the course, keep loving your step-daughter and work on strengthening that relationship. You might try to involve her as much as possible with the little ones too - that bond may strengthen your bond with her.
Good luck.
Susie is a discussion leader in the east valley for arizonamoms.com. She has two sons, ages 6 and 2.
I'm not too sure I would
I'm not too sure I would tell the 11-year old that it is "her" responsibility to keep you guys informed of the activities. I would request a copy of the schedule of whatever activities she's involved in (ie.basketball schedule, dance class recital schedule, etc). It seems the bio mom is bitter and continues to be bitter. Perhaps your husband can request mediation to resolve their communication issues.
There is no way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a good one!
Thanks for the suggestions.
Thanks for the suggestions. My husband has requested a copy of her activies & detailed schedules. Mediation has already been attempted and failed, big waste of my husbands time & the courts time. We seem to be getting the info about activies since we have communicated to daughter that we are unable to get her to activies unless we know the details. We did this as our last option and also to let her know that we want and would support her activies if we had the info. Before we were relying on mom to provide info, she would provide it but not enough or in a timly manner....we know she was playing a game so we would look bad in daughter eyes. We have also put together a family calendar of scheduled events, this has really helped out and avoids overbooking.
Life is full of gifts, enjoys each and everyone of them
Wow - so much to deal with
Wow - so much to deal with and so little solutions. I was a stepmom before becoming a biological mom and I have found that it almost seems more difficult to "temper" my feelings because of it. (Does that make sense?) Meaning that now that I actually am somebody's momma, I really feel very strong and protective of my stepchildren and when somebody does "wrong" by them, I have a "momma" reaction.
Do you ever feel like your switch, that allows your to switch mindsets between stepmom and biomom, is broke? I do ;-)
I love my stepkids and care for them as if they were my own; however, they are not. And, it sounds like you do, too. Your husband is a lucky man, your step-daughter a lucky girl, and even if she would never admit it, the bio-mom is lucky to have your love for their daughter.
Here's the awful truth about his ex. You cannot make her change, do things differently, keep the hurtful words from coming out of her mouth. All you can do is be the best step-momma to your daughter and provide her with the same consistent parenting you have given all of her little life. I know it's really hard to listen to your step-child talk about their other bio-parent as though they are golden, but you know what? Someday, those precious babies of yours will think the same way about you and they will defend you, too. Focus on that idea the next time it comes up and it will start to sting a little less.
I wish you every success in your daily journey. I question my actions as a step-mom all the time. As a bio-mom, almost never. (See what I mean?? It's that whole biology thing.)
Mouse_tales is a discussion leader in the East Valley for arizonamoms.com. She is a business owner, community volunteer, and aspiring runner (whew!), who most enjoys her roles as wife & mom. Her children range in age from 4 to 13.
Thanks so much for all your
Thanks so much for all your input, it really helps and is also nice to know that there are others out there that can offer suggestions and insight to a life situation that is often overlooked.
Life is full of gifts, enjoys each and everyone of them
Don't worry, you aren't
Don't worry, you aren't alone.
I've been a step mom for about 8 months and my husband and I have been together over a year and I find a lot of what you said to be our relationship with his kid's mom in a nutshell.
In the beginning when my husband and I dated it was hard. She actually called my house one time and asked her husband to take her back and them to work out their marriage. She too lived by the whole the grass is greener on the other side. What someone forgot to mention to her is that in order for your grass to get that green you must fertilize your lawn and water it. In the end I was blamed for her not having money (she gets $1000 a month in support), I was called a homewrecker and my husband lost a couple of good friends through it all.
On the brighter side, it's been well over a year now (that I've been in their life) and she actually speaks too me, and we are curtious with each other. Sure we still have issues, but I try to stay out of it as much as possible. It's hard sometimes because her kids are extremely close to me but I know it's for the best of all of us if I let interaction between her and I be scarce.
The best advice I can give you is just let the daughter know that you love and care for her and will always be a part of her life. She's reaching an age where she'll include you (and her father) automatically to do things and take part in what she invites you to do. Stay out of the rest. No matter what, you aren't going to change what the mother feels and thinks about you so don't bother.
Keep your chin up, as bio moms (cause I have my own) we have it easy, step moms not so much...we have to prove to those kids that we really want to share their lives. The may not understand today, but as they get a little older every year they will believe it.
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."