Manners???

My house, my rules when it comes to manners!

I don't care WHOSE kids are at my house, they are expected to obey the same rules I set down for my own kids when it comes to manners. That means no running around and screaming, no music loud enough to annoy the neighbors, we sit TOGETHER to eat meals and no one leaves the table until EVERYONE is done, 'please' and 'thank you' are a must, no rude talk (which includes crude/vulgar/obscene language or expressions and no 'shut up!' or name calling.) They will also respect the authority of the adults in the house and will not talk back or argue. If they can not or will not live up to the rules, then I politely tell them it's time to go home until they CAN.

We've lost some 'guests' over this policy, but hey I don't want my kids influenced by rude, obnoxious brats so good riddance to bad rubbish! For the most part, those who have stayed have had a good time, were wonderfully polite and I know had a better experience than if we'd let them have a 'free for all."

You are doing a FAVOR by teaching manners --- Mom might put up with ugly behavior but their teachers / peers / future bosses, etc. WILL NOT!!! It's unfair to let them believe otherwise!

New to AZ --- and missing autumn leaves and the smell of apple orchards!

I am curious how your kids got the lower end of the deal when it came to manners? I am assuming your kids still said please and thank you while the stepkids did not. How does this give your biological kids the lower end of the deal?

Do your kids have to pick up after the biological kids? If that's the case, then no, it's not right. Everyone should be cleaning up after themselves and there is nothing wrong with enforcing that rule at your house.

Perhaps when the kids all play together you can kindly say "ok everyone, it's time to pick up our toys and get ready for....". Instead of singling anyone out.

The recipe for perpetual ignorance is: be satisfied with your opinions and content with your knowledge.
~ Elbert Hubbard (1856 - 1915)

I agree with Miriam, your house your rules. Saying "please and thank you" is not a punishment. It is an important lesson, they deserve to learn it!

Lovemy4 is a discussion leader for North Central Phoenix, tired mother of 4 great kids and wife to one great husband.

I also agree with Miriam - my house, my rules no matter whose children they are.

jesshod is a mommy to 2 girls (ages 6 and 1) and is an arizonamoms.com discussion leader living in Surprise.

I would say, "You can act however you wish at your own home, but in our home, you need to show us respect along with manners." Kids need to view good manners from someone and hopefully some of it rubs off on them.
If they are allowed to act this way everywhere they go, then of course they will not know any difference. For the sake of the kids, I would want them to act like they have good manners, because we want what is best for them. The kids behavior reflect the parents, so if I was your husband, I would be encouraging better behavior and manners. Let the children know that good manners will take them further in life then having no manners at all. As a stepmom, depending on your relationship, say encouraging words and hopefully they will listen, but the dad needs to stand up and tell the children what is best for them.

One Happy Mom in Arizona.

MOMieOF2 - I am in the VERY SAME situation as you are...

One thing...the two big kids are in the middle of the custody battle at this moment...

And I can NOT and have not been able to have my say in anything for the last couple of years because their mom put in a request that no body but her and their father can discipline the kids and the court granted it. Sooooo now that the custody case is back in court (why so long - because their father was very ill for the last couple years and was hospitalized so many times - now he is much better and able to go forward), I will be saying something to the kids lawyer (assigned by the court) that I have every right to set down my boundaries whether their mom likes it or not and that they really need to respect that. I am sick and tired of the big kids thinking that they can come over and do whatever they want and if their dad says something, those kids runs over to their mom and next thing we know, we get a phone call turning into a blood sport. And it is NOT getting any better....UNTIL the court steps in and get this straightened out which we will have to wait until court date next month.

I honestly don't know what is the best solution but I will tell you this - this lady - notthemama - has given good advises in my previous posts on dealing with my headaches from the big kids.....be on the lookout for her :)

H~
Mom of 2 Daughters - Kelly (3 yrs) and Skylar (21 mos old)
zoostationu2@hotmail.com

Just curious...how old are the stepkids, and how old are your two?

Hobbymommy, 38, is a discussion leader from Mesa. She is a happy stay-at-home mommy to a 3-year-old daughter and a 2-year-old son.

It's really sad that trying to teach kids manners would be a catalyst that leads to lost time with said kids. That being said, I think you owe it to those kids and to society as well to teach them the manners. (read the "national anthem" post) I was at a high school chorale concert a few weeks ago and two teenage boys sitting behind me talked, laughed, and were just plain disruptive during the whole thing. When I tried to make eye contact with the parents of one of the boys, I noticed the father was behaving no better. What is happening to our society?

sure, fine, whatever

What a difficult situation. Unfortunately, I think you have to appeal to your husband by bringing to his attention how this is going to impact their future. They need to learn boundaries and respect for household rules. The responsible thing to do is to teach them to be good citizens and this will only help them in the future.
Do they behave the same way at their mother's house and in public?

I do feel for you and your kids. Good luck with this difficult situation.

JuneSlager is a discussion leader for arizonamoms.com, raising three children (ages 15, 14, & 11) in Northeast Phoenix.

You've received some really great feedback here. I agree with Miriam's post as well. My house...my rules.

Now, that said...that mantra can become something that ends up comforting yourself rather than being true. I do not admire your situation, since you are dealing with a lot, biokids, stepkids, a husband who has been ill. Bless your heart!

I am a stepmom, too, and we just had a great weekend of going places, doing things together as a family, only to have the last day before they went back to their mom being spent with me mediating various altracations between my stepkids and my biokid (who is the youngest). And, oh, yes, after all that glory, we get the same phone call...

In the middle of chaos, the only thing you can do is keep moving and do things as you would if there wasn't another person barking criticism from the sidelines. Your husband might not have the energy to deal with everything right now so you have 2 choices - either put up OR hold your ground.

I vote for holding your ground.

As for your children getting the short end of the stick, as you put it, I understand what you mean. It's very difficult when you work very hard to have your biochildren follow house rules and your stepkids come in and act as though no rules exist.

Our stepkids are here a lot so there is not a great deal of uncertainties between houses. I think that's why, when something like this happens, it is all the harder to understand/deal with. There's nothing new in what we expect so why the challenge? Wow...

I have a few friends who have stepkids and they deal with the same...sometimes much worse!!!

Good luck!

Mouse_tales is a discussion leader in the East Valley for arizonamoms.com. She spends most of her days juggling her duties as a (bio & step) mom, wife, and business owner. Her three little kittens range in age from 5 to 13.

You and I must have had the same weekend or share step kids lol...

Let me tell you mine and I'll tell you what I did. My 2 bio kids and my 3 step kids, hubby and I went to my father's for a BBQ. At some point the kids went inside to watch a movie and the youngest step daughter (5) tried to get on a recliner and sit with my son (the oldest who's 12). He told her no, and she then proceeded to get off and lay on the floor and kick the chair with her feet. My son told her to stop, she didn't and he called her an idiot. Of course the oldest step daughter took her outside to tattle (she's 10) told us what my son did so I said, tell him to come here. Then the story comes out about what she did and why he called her a name and yes, he got scolded and told, next time she doesn't do what you have asked her nicely to do and behaves that way you come tell me, but here's where it got sticky and I interveined. After this happened my hubby didn't really scold his daughter and I was floored by this, there was also some things my husband said to my son that floored me even more (we won't go into that). After him and I argued about his behavior on the car trip home, I told the kids (all of them) to line up in the living room and I wanted to talk to them. That's when I said flat out, "this is my home and you are guest in my home. You will not come in to my house and disrespect my things or each other. You will keep hand, feet off of each other (yes, we have hitting issues with them) and property that doesn't belong to you." Then I proceeded to tell them that these rules apply where ever we are or go. I also said that every thing they owned could easily be taken away with bad behavior. My husband was floored about my comments, I didn't care. I have raised my kids to respect and not back talk and to not hit and call names so even though I was upset by my son's actions, I felt that he is 12 and 12 year olds sometimes get mad.

You have every right to make them have manners and enforce them in your home. You are doing no favors to them or your own children by not. Being a step parent is hard because you don't always know when to discipline or when their parent should. Good luck and I hope my story helps a little.

"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."

Instead of looking at the kids as being totally disrespectful try seeing it as a jealousy factor. You still discipline your bio kids in front of the two others, those two may see it as you "love them more" because you "care" to discipline them. When I was growing up I lived in a very "laxed" household and basically took care of myself. I would go to friends houses and I would see my friends getting the 20 questions when we were going somewhere, or getting disciplined because of something they didn't do - It made me feel that those parents cared and I secretly wished my mom disciplined me.

Start small, make a game out of who can say thank you more times in a day.

Thank you all for your responses, and I apologize for not clarifying my post. What I meant by my kids getting the short end of the deal was that the stepkids would cry and complain that my kids had hurt them or took something from them and so instead of telling the stepkids that they were okay my kids were getting scolded for their actions even though most of the time it was the other two that did the deed.

As far as the my house my rules, that does pertain to them when we are at home but this past weekend we actually took a trip to visit his family and stayed with with MIL. So of course I had no say as to what they did or how they acted. But once they were all back in the vehicle, the ball was once again in my court and I was able to atleast set some rules.

And with the last comment that was posted about them maybe being jealous, it could also be a little of that they are feeling. I thought about it once but I think of it more as revenge.

And yes, even after that long weekend and we did return them home to their mom. Not even an hour later we were getting calls regarding the weekend......ugh!!

Again thanks for the comments, I will start to put my foot down even though they may not like it but they will not run wild around me no more.

While I totally understand the "my house, my rules", I don't really agree with everyone about the best way to handle your stepkids. I don't know their situation, but don't you think perhaps a little understanding might be in order? On both sides? It can't be easy on kids to try to fit into another family unit. And they're probably bringing in the whole wicked step mother mentality (trust me, ex-wives love to play that one up to their kids.) So maybe it's not that they don't have any manners -they're acting out on what they have come to expect?
I have found it best to not pit "my family" against "your family". Your kids this, and My kids that. You are all a family unit, and all of you need to adjust.
If this really is a huge issue perhaps you can see a family therapist. It might help to have an impartial third party help set boundaries, and get the new family to gel into a more cohesive unit.
I don't have any step kids, but i had a blended family growing up. My parents never once said "stepkids" in referring to the kids from my dad's first marriage. They were just my brother and sister. My mother tried her best to not make them feel any less a part of our family. We were disciplined the same, loved the same and treated the same. There's enough room in any family for more people to love and be included.
okay. I'll get off my soap box now...
:)

I agree with the my house my rules as a mom of 4 bio and a step I have had conversations with my husband and the same response well i dont see her that much...................... i then had to explain well if she does it the younger kids will thank it is ok to do it too then we will go through the same thing every day not just once in a while ..... maybe if you explain it that way he will get it lol....it dont matter if they are bio or step kids they still need rules and structure you never know if you put your foot down that may be what they need hope this helps... Mommy of 5