So here's what happened. My daughter is a brownie. Her father enrolled her, we are all involved. A brownie mother/daughter weekend camping trip came up, but I was not told. It fell on dad's weekend so the girlfriend, who has a great relationship with my daughter, took her. I am glad that they have a good relationship and I am glad that the girlfriend cares enough to go. But I feel burned and disrespected. I am her mother, I do the work that is involved, I pay for her life and she'll certinally not go to the girlfriend when it's time to pay for college.
I just wish dad could have said something like "this camp is going to happen, it's on our weekend and my girlfriend really wants this chance to take our daughter."
If it were a daddy/daughter dance I certinally would not send a boyfriend or my father with whom my daughter is very close to as well. I would simply assume dad would go. If for some odd chance he could not go then I might send grandpa or an alternate stand in. Nor would I take my niece or neighbor to a mommy daughter function. Obviously I would take my daughter.
Have I missed something? Feedback?
did your daughter have a
did your daughter have a good time?
" just my Opinion" LOL
Yes she sure did! So that's
Yes she sure did! So that's what counts! As it turned out she was very sick the day before 102 F fever. I didn't think she was going to go, but they went the next day anyhow. My daughter said she had a great time but she felt sick until Sunday.
Personally, I think it's
Personally, I think it's time that the three adults sat down and had a serious discussion about this.
Since this is your ex's girlfriend she is NOT your daughter's step-mother. Being that you ARE her mother, you should have been informed about this and at least given the chance to say whether you did or did not mind whether the girlfriend went. I would also bring up the daddy/daughter dance scenario when discussing this and asking him how he would feel if you decided not to tell him about it and instead sent your boyfriend with her.
There need to be boundaries set, this does not mean that the three of you cannot have a respectful, mature, and friendly relationship, just that everyone knows what is expected of everyone else and that the feelings of both PARENTS are always taken into consideration before any decisions are made.
Good luck and let us know how it goes!!
It is better to be hated for what you are, than to be loved for what you are not.
Regardless of whether the
Regardless of whether the child had a good time, differentdrum, I think that this would bother any mother.....anyone who says they'd be 100% ok with it is completely full of it. Lara is the child's mother, not this flavor of the month chick, and she is due a ceratin amount of respect.
Lara, I agree with the other poster - you should discuss this with your ex.....and make your feelings known....that doesn't mean your ex will care, but at least you are on the record. The thing about it it, she isn't even your daughter's stepmother, she's just a girlfreind and who knows if she'll even be a permanent part of your daughter's life, so to me she had no place at a mother-daughter function.
Your ex probably had her go just to get at you, and she probably enjoyed the thought that you'd be hurt by the whole thing. Unfortunately, this is the kind of mess you have to deal with when you split from your child's father and aren't raisng the child as a couple any longer. There are a lot of situations that you won't have control over.
I would very much so have a
I would very much so have a discussion w/your ex & made not only your feelings be known, but your expectations of him as well when it comes to things like this, because if you don't he may just continue this in the future with other mother/daughter events. Unfortunately, I think he probably knew full well what he was doing and didn't have any 2nd thoughts about it. I'm in the same situation as you are in regards to being a single mom with my daughter and I would not hesitate for one second to say something if this had happened to me. Good luck and keep us posted as to how things go!!
Also, I concur with what Katy said "Differentdrum" you can't say that no matter how much fun she had if the tables were turned and this was your daughter you wouldn't feel the least bit of hurt!!
Uh, isn't the point of
Uh, isn't the point of "dad's weekend" for your daughter to spend time with her father? Certainly, if he has a steady beau, then s/he will be around. But it's not "dad's girlfriend's weekend". There's no point in sending her to his house to be looked after by someone else, no matter what the activity is.
He and I have had that
He and I have had that conversation and we even had to go to court over it unfortunately. But to his credit, this was not the issue. I think simply what might have happened is that the girlfriend wanted to go, and she does have a good long-standing relationship with my daughter, so that is a good thing. I think perhaps they kinda knew that I would want to go if I knew about it - which I would have for sure - and so they just kinda figured it might be easier for everyone if I simply didn't know.
But it's not better for my daughter because it does not set the right example for communication and respect. and it was not easier for me because I felt direspected.
I can feel for his girlfriend however, because I am sure she too has her own needs for respect and plus she probably genuinely wanted to go! So it's not easy for any of us!
I think that as her mother,
I think that as her mother, regardless of whose weekend it is, you have the first right go with her. You should have been told about the weekend, and the girlfriend had absolutely NO right to go in your place. My daughter's father lives in Illinois, and she has a great relationship with her step-dad, but I would still let her dad know if there was a father-daughter thing going on, because he has the first right to go with her. If he couldn't, then I would ask my daughter if she wanted her step-dad to go with her. I would never just not mention it to my ex-husband and send her step-dad in his place.
Jorie
Let's break this
Let's break this down....
"My daughter is a brownie. Her father enrolled her, we are all involved."
- so this was something that he wanted to do for his daughter and it involves you also, good!
"A brownie mother/daughter weekend camping trip came up, but I was not told."
- If you are involved, how did you not know?
"It fell on dad's weekend so the girlfriend, who has a great relationship with my daughter, took her."
- That's awsome that she took on the responsibility to take her even though she is not her mom.
"I am glad that they have a good relationship and I am glad that the girlfriend cares enough to go. But I feel burned and disrespected. I am her mother, I do the work that is involved, I pay for her life and she'll certinally not go to the girlfriend when it's time to pay for college."
- Wow! What a profound statement. Yes, you are her mother, but someday you will have to relinquish some of your mothering to another person who will play a "mother-role" in her life. You pay for her life, yet your daughter's father has her on some weekends (I assume every-other weekend)? Sounds like he is paying also, and chances are, his girlfriend contributes also. If he is serious about her, he may also get married to her, and chances are, she will help pay for your daughter's college.
"I just wish dad could have said something like "this camp is going to happen, it's on our weekend and my girlfriend really wants this chance to take Antonella." "
- That would have been nice. But, if you had known about it, would you have taken her? Nowhere in this message do you say that you really wanted to go in the first place. Plus, I wouldn’t have mentioned your daughter’s name in the message…. What if your daughter’s father were to stumble upon it? I don’t know of very many kids named Antonella…
"If it were a daddy/daughter dance I certinally would not send a boyfriend or my father with whom my daughter is very close to as well. I would simply assume dad would go. If for some odd chance he could not go then I might send grandpa or an alternate stand in. Nor would I take my niece or neighbor to a mommy daughter function. Obviously I would take my daughter."
- Obviously! Now, if you had a boyfriend, and it fell on your weekend, and you knew that your daughter’s father knew about it, and he decided not to go, than your boyfriend or your father would work. You would assume that he would go, but what if he didn't know about it? Would you assume that someone could go in his place, since he didn't inform you about the camping trip? Why do you bring up your father? Niece or neighbor? Was that necessary?
- You need to sit down and think about why you are really angry with your ex-husband. It doesn’t sound like it is really about the trip. Things like this are annoying, but why do you hold such resentment about your ex-husband than it enabled you to write on a message board about it. If you want to ensure that you are informed about all the things going on in your daughter’s life, you need to be in contact with her. Your daughter probably knew about the trip, but you weren’t informed by your daughter that she was excited about it? I think that that would something that she would have been jumping for joy about for weeks on end? Why would your daughter not want to tell you about it? Maybe it’s time that you talk to your daughter, even when she is not with you, and find out what is going on with her, instead of what is going on with your daughter’s father and his girlfriend.
I like the way you did this
I like the way you did this and broke it down.. I asked if she had fun because I believe there was more to it.. of course I knew that i would get grief from that .. (that doesnt matter to me) I was looking to see if Lara would answer because that does meaan that her daughter does have a good relationship with the girlfriend and yes I think this has alot to do with Lara's relationship with her ex, than her daughter going to this.. and My girls have been in scouts for many years and we knew well ahead of time about activities.. and this kids that came from divorced parents. the Leader always had both e=mails and sent everything to both.. Also, with scouts, because kids come from such different family lifes now days, just because it's called "mom and me or Dad and me" doesnt mean that the parent of the oppisite sex cant take the child.. We had one girl in the troop being raised by the grandparents, and due to illness issues with grandma, she couldnt attend anything with her grandaughter, so grandpa came to everything, even encampment, and there were always special places for the men to sleep and stuff. so no child or parent can say they cant go because it's specific for mom or dad
" just my Opinion" LOL
Whew! There's a lot here...I
Whew! There's a lot here...I appreciate your time on this. Breaking it down does help, because then we can get to the root of the problem. I know women that actually create flow charts! Below are my answers.
If you are involved, how did you not know?
When he signed her up he must have only provided the troop leader his email, actually his girlfriend's email to be more accurate. A month or so into it, his girlfriend started FWDing me troop emails, so I emailed the troop leader to please put me directly on the list. Actually, now that I think of it, I went to one of the first meetings and asked the leader to keep me in the loop, so that means I had to tell her three times before she actually did it, which was just simple human error, but anyhow that is why I was not in the loop probably at the time this camp was announced and planned.
That's awsome that she took on the responsibility to take her even though she is not her mom.
Yes, I agree, like I said she's great and to her credit, they have been dating for like four years now, so she is likely not a fling!
That would have been nice. But, if you had known about it, would you have taken her? Nowhere in this message do you say that you really wanted to go in the first place.
--Sure, but it's a moot point. In fact, your breaking it down has helped me sort out that the point is setting an example of respect for your mother, which did not happen here. It's not the girlfriend's fault because dad is charged with that responsibility. And so am I -- so that is why I ultimately shared with dad and daughter my feelings. It's not a hill I want to die on, but I did share with them how I felt about it in a fair and clear manner. Afterall, their intentions may have been harmless and I can only expect people to treat me the way I expect them to. I am sure these things are awkward for them as well.
Plus, I wouldn’t have mentioned your daughter’s name in the message…. What if your daughter’s father were to stumble upon it? I don’t know of very many kids named Antonella
--I post under my first and last name with my photo, so if he or she saw it, I think they would kinda do the math. I have nothing to hide. I am simply asking for other opinions and again, I appreciate the time you have taken to provide yours.
- That would have been nice. But, if you had known about it,
Now, if you had a boyfriend, and it fell on your weekend, and you knew that your daughter’s father knew about it, and he decided not to go, than your boyfriend or your father would work. You would assume that he would go, but what if he didn't know about it?
--I didn't know, and he knew I didn't know because I sent him an email when I found out about the camp and he did not respond - eventhough he did respond to another email from that same day.
Would you assume that someone could go in his place, since he didn't inform you about the camping trip?
--You know what happens when you assume.
Why do you bring up your father? Niece or neighbor? Was that necessary?
--Yes, to make a point which is that none of them get to stand in as dad or daughter without dad or daughter's permission.
"but why do you hold such resentment about your ex-husband than it enabled you to write on a message board about it."
--the resentment didn't enable the message, it was my hands that express the workings of my heart and mind that enabled me to write on a message board.
why do I feel resentment? because I am human. And sharing my weaknesses with complete strangers is brave not bad.
Why do I ask for opnions on a message board? information=illumination.
Your daughter probably knew about the trip, but you weren’t informed by your daughter that she was excited about it? I think that that would something that she would have been jumping for joy about for weeks on end? Why would your daughter not want to tell you about it?
--I know, that's the strange part. Earlier that week she said she was excited because she was going on her first camping trip with her dad and the girlfriend. Later in the week, it came up again, I can't remember how, and she said that actually it was just with the girlfriend. So who knows. They may have only known about it at the last minute themselves, so I can't worry about this aspect.
Maybe it’s time that you talk to your daughter, even when she is not with you, and find out what is going on with her, instead of what is going on with your daughter’s father and his girlfriend.
--Yes, I agree. It is easy to get caught up in this "them" versus "us" stuff. It's just silly and I have better things to work on. Their business is a non--issue and my daughter and I speak all the time even when she is with them. This is not the problem. After I sorted through my feelings (I did not want to react), I did finally speak with her about it.
Thanks again for your help!
Your ex absolutely should
Your ex absolutely should have told you about this. It was insensitive.
I think you need to call a sit down with all three of you to make sure it doesn't happen in the future.
Susie is a discussion leader in the east valley for arizonamoms.com. She has two sons, ages 7 and 3.
I agree he should have
I agree he should have mentioned the plan to you. You are the mother and deserve to know who has your child.
Sounds like that is your beef, and I think you are right to feel a little put out by the way it was handled. Hopefully your ex and his girlfriend understand and will include you earlier on in the process.
Lovemy4 is a discussion leader for North Central Phoenix, tired mother of 4 great kids and wife to one great husband.
Wow, you've had quite the
Wow, you've had quite the feedback, Lara. Great comments to consider.
Interesting scenario -- I'm not sure how I would have handled this situation myself.
I have to tell you though, that when I read the following, I was pretty confused:
"the girlfriend, who has a great relationship with my daughter, took her. I am glad that they have a good relationship and I am glad that the girlfriend cares enough to go. But I feel burned and disrespected." I guess I got confused within your train of thought. You were glad about a couple of things regarding the girlfriend, and yet you were angry too. You sound very ambivalent to me, which I think could be a part of the issue and worth exploring. Have you seen a therapist at all? Talking through all these feelings with a professional might help.
DesertMom
http://ppdsurvivor.blogspot.com
Thanks for the suggestion!
Thanks for the suggestion! Ah, but just talking about this with friends and herre is therapy alone, thank you.
This is what I call thinking in the greys - it may seem ambivilantm, but what I am doing in that quote is acknowledging both sides -- the good and the bad. That is much harder to do than just saying they are all bad and did everything wrong. Dad and dad's girlfriend are not my enemies; the whole reason I made the post is in acknowledgement of the fact that I may not be seeing all sides of the equation. That is why at the end I requested feedback. That's the point - reveal other information and options. When I am emotionally involved in a situation it really helps to recieve non-biased feedback.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your feedback!
I know it's pretty much
I know it's pretty much irrelevant, since the issue was how you felt about being excluded, but I was on the camping trip with the Brownies, and I am sure I saw your daughter and her father's girlfriend. Antonella seemed to have a good time, and the father's girlfriend was very attentive and warm toward her. I hope you all can work these things out in the future, but I thought you would like to know how sweet and sincere the father's girlfriend seemed. I happened to observe a few minutes of interaction and was struck by the woman's interest and positive guidance. Good luck with future communication!
Thank you for your imput,
Thank you for your imput, although now I am sad that I exposed her in a way that was not intended. She's a good gal and I am sure this can be awkward for her as well.
You may have missed it, but I wrote that this issue is showing an example of respect for mom. Yes, my daughter had a good time and with a wonderful warm and woman I am certain. How lucky is my daughter to have so many people love her!
Additionally, like I mentioned, the buck stops with dad as far as I am concerned. I think to discuss it with her is not fair to her, nor to me. Dad has not responded to my email.
Had I ever thought that someone that knew her might have put her face with my story I may not have made the post.
Thank you anyhow for your kindness and see you at Brownies.
I know there is more that
I know there is more that you feel behind this. Its understandable, that you really wanted to be a part of it. But your husband or men sure dont think like we do. He probably thought, oh what a great idea for his girlfriend and his daughter to spend time together and bond.
There goes my hero- Watch him as he goes