How would you handle this? My husband and I have encountered a situation with one of his daughters where she started crying this weekend (Sunday afternoon before it was time to go home) and asked if she could live with us. We both have the feeling it’s because her mom (who’s pregnant) has been sick, stressed and tired a lot and because of the situation, it’s become rough on the girls (mostly the middle one who’s very sensitive) with going to do fun things, help with school work and everyday life (she thinks that they never do anything but sit at home and get in trouble for asking for things and playing to loud). While we all know that this situation is temporary (being pregnant = raging hormones, lot’s of belly aches, and total stress), we are in disagreement on how to address this. I think that as a parenting unit (being divorced in my eyes doesn’t change that), if one knows that one child is unhappy you should address it immediately with the other parent, especially if it’s something like “I don’t want to live with mom anymore”. He feels that this will only cause a negative behavior with his ex wife and she will get upset and angry with her child rather then console her. My thoughts are if we bring it up to her and she reacts this way we have a bigger issue and should resolve it anyways. I know as a mom that I would hate to hear this, but I would want to know so we could address it (and yes I think we approach the situation to her in a nice, non threating way to bring it to the table). I’m also not opposed to if I heard this news, letting my child live with the other parent (which she probably wouldn’t be ok with). Since it’s my husband’s child, right now the most I have intervened into the situation is I talked to the child and asked a bunch of questions and explained to her that sometimes when a person is pregnant the don’t feel really well and that changes who they are. I also told her that although we’d love her to, we can’t just have her come live with us, but if this is something she really wanted to do we would wait a few months and see how she feels and at the end of the school year address it again. That’s when the disagreement came into play about to or not to tell her mother. What would be some of your suggestions? I also think maybe a mediator would be good, does anyone know one?
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
Comming from a divorced
Comming from a divorced family,I know how that feels....
My thought is that if your husband is close to his ex(where they have a good relationship) maybe he can talk to her one on one..If both you guys have a good realtionship with her then maybe you can schedule a pizza night and both talk to her and the child and get down to the real root of the problem..If Not then yes a non threatning person who doesn't take sides would probaly do some good!
littlelee
I think it's important that
I think it's important that your husband address the situation and do it soon.
The problem with not saying anything is that the daughter will continue to suffer, only this time around she'll suffer in silence. This could also lead to depression and everything that entails.
If he does talk to his ex about this and the daughter ends up suffering repercussions, then I would advise going to family court and taking this up with a judge to see if the daughter could live with you for a while. I think a mediator is also a very good idea.
She shouldn't have to suffer needlessly because he doesn't want to stir the proverbial pot, he has to keep his daughter's best interests at heart.
It is better to be hated for what you are, than to be loved for what you are not.
I agree that your husband
I agree that your husband needs to address this quickly. I think back to how miserable I was during my pregnancies and I know my oldest was miserable too. Who knows, maybe the ex will be relieved to get some extra help - not necessarily let her daughter live with you, but spend more time with you.
Your gut instinct is right on. And I think you're doing the right thing by explaining the negative side of pregnancy.
Susie is a discussion leader in the east valley for arizonamoms.com. She has two sons, ages 6 and 2.
Rather than presenting it as
Rather than presenting it as a "live with us" scenario, you might ask to take the girls (individually or as a group) for outings -- or for specific activities at your house. It's much easier to say, "I know Susan has been wanting to see this movie; let me take her to the early show and feed her, and bring her home in time for bed."
I applaud you for supporting the relationship between the girl and her Mom. Kids should never feel like they have to choose between the adults who love them.