Looking back on my childhood, I have an infinite amount of memories associated with the great fun I had with my grandparents and extended family growing up. Even though my parents divorced when I was young, both of their parents stayed married until death separated them.
Both my husband and I are children of divorced parents.
Since having children of my own, I can count on one hand the number of times my husband's or my family have asked to spend any "real" time with our children. (Outside of family gatherings.)
When we were first married, I wondered if it was because I was the 2nd wife (on my husband's side) because his parents would only spend time with his first 2 kids and never ours (the baby we have together). I thought it was perhaps that babies made them nervous until my son passed the age my stepdaughter was when they would have them over. She was 2 at the time and our youngest is now almost 5.
After serious reflection, it occurred to me that it wasn't just his parents, it was my family, too (with the LARGE exception of my mom - who spends time with him consistently.) My husband's family use to take the older two when they were smaller here and there; however, they have never taken all three.
My husband and I have been together for about 7 years. In our entire marriage, here's the number of sleepovers or "days out" our 3 kids have enjoyed:
with my husband's parents = 0
with my my father = 0
with my husband's siblings (and he has 4) = 0
with my own siblings (I have 3) = 0
My heart breaks because our children are growing up with avoidant/absent grandparents, aunts and uncles! When my oldest sister's children were little, I used to have her kids over for sleepovers and "dates" all of the time. My aunt (I only have one) did the very same thing. For my family's part, I have a difficult time understanding why this is happening since we grew up with such a different lifestyle (i.e., our grandparents and extended family spent all kinds of time with us, took us on trips, etc, when we were growing up).
My side of the family has always been generous with all three kids for birthdays, Christmas, etc; however, I would rather they be generous with their time and love more than anything.
My husband's side of the family shows a slight more interest in our daughter (my step); however, nobody's knocking on our door or calling to ask to spend time.
I don't get it!!!
Our kids deserve better than this yet I am conflicted as how to approach it because both of our families are very political. Each has their OBVIOUS favorite. Neither one of us is the favorite. :-( The only person in my family that our 3 kids have really attached to is my mom. And our youngest (my only bio) is attached to my mom. He asks about his cousins all of the time and wants to play with them but whenever I reach out to make arrangements, my sister is either busy or the kids are sick or someother excuse. And, frankly, one of her kids has become downright mean to my son. It's really difficult to watch so that's put a damper on things, too.
I would love to hear ideas of how to handle this situation - partularly if you have dealt with this challenge specifically - as a parent OR a grandparent.
Mouse_tales is a discussion leader in the East Valley for arizonamoms.com. She spends most of her days juggling her duties as a mom, wife, and business owner. Her three little kittens range in age from 4 to 13.
For your family I would be
For your family I would be frank let them know especially siblings. If they don't want to talk to u they will get over it and if not they weren't that much of a family. I don't mean to put it very harshly but with family I think you are suppose to be open with so that its a close knit family.
I would sit down with your
I would sit down with your family and gently and kindly voice your concerns. Not in a threatning manner but in a way that it sounds like you are part of the blame. Not that I think you are but maybe they think you and your husband don't want them to come spend a lot of time with them. If you take the blame they may accept your words a little easier.
Paz
My kids are grown, girls
My kids are grown, girls ages 20 and 25 but when they were little, I had the exact same experience as you. I was 3 weeks overdue with my first daughter and my mom who always took an extended vacation in the winter to her 2nd home in the Virgin Islands didn't change her plans when I was late, she left me with a newborn just days after delivery. She returned 3 months later, my daughter was already past the crazy days of colic ( when I could have really used helped). My sister who lived next door to us the first 3 years of my daughter's life rarely babysat.One time my daughter was very ill with a stomach virus for 2 days, when she felt better and needed to eat to get her streghth back my husband and I came down with it, we couldn't look at food let alone prepare it for her nor could we watch a two year old run around, I called my sister to plead for her to babysat but she said she couldn't....her excuse...she was HUNGOVER! My inlaws were alcoholics so although they offered to babysit occasionally I really couldn't trust them. My brother and sister-in-law never offered so I never asked.The list goes on with neices and another sister-in law. We raised our girls all by ourselves and although I wish they had a better relationship with their extended family, we all agree that we are much closer because we were all we had. I couldn't ask for more wonderful children. Ask yourself one question, do you want your family to babysit or do you want them to WANT to babysit. There's a difference. If they don't WANT to babysit then you really don't want them to. Their heart's not in it. Unless they don't realize what it means to you, maybe explain to them that it IS hurtful that they don't seem to want to see your children. Good Luck.
Thanks for your feedback.
Thanks for your feedback. You make very good points.
I have helped both of my sisters, before and after their kids, on numerous occasions, too. We've had all kinds of illness here, too, including one being hospitalized several times because of extreme asthma. No helping hand offered by a single soul.
And, it's not really babysitting...it's spending quality time with their family. It sounds like you enjoyed the same as a kid so you know what I mean. Obviously, their spending time with family **creates** an opportunity similar to babysitting, but I am talking about family time, really.
It's not like I don't offer to have them spend time alone with family, either. I do. "Anytime you'd like to spend time with the kids, just let us know." I'd say that's pretty clear!
Mouse_tales is a discussion leader in the East Valley for arizonamoms.com. She spends most of her days juggling her duties as a mom, wife, and business owner. Her three little kittens range in age from 4 to 13.
Wow, you hit home. I think
Wow, you hit home. I think it is the time that we are living in. My husband and I have discussed this before. We were always there for our nieces and nephews sharing their sports, recitals, etc. and took them to amusement parks, so this is what we wish for our son.
Everyone is so busy with their own lives and troubles, it makes it very difficult to build a close relationship. My son has his grandma (my mom) that he was very close to until she moved out of state. We are just blessed that he has us. His aunt lives in Illinois and she loves him tremendously, but its hard to have a close relationship. My son has cousins here in Arizona that he has never meant because of my sister-in-law.
So, believe me, you are not alone. Just be thankful you have your child and enjoy everyday with him. Don't spend your time thinking about it. There is nothing you can do to change it. I know we can't, because its out of our control. We stay too busy to think about it anymore. You'll just have to reach out and meet other people to be in his life.
One Happy Mom in Arizona.
I took my son (other two
I took my son (other two with their mom) to Makutu's Island today and saw several grandparents there, though! I think that was really the tipping poing for me, you know?
Our parents (both sides) are all retired, too.
What makes us so much more "busy" nowadays, I wonder? (Okay, not really because some of it is obvious, but still...)
I am grateful that I have the time with our kids that I do. Both my mom and my step-mom were SAHMs and for the most part, I am, too. (I own a business; however, I am mostly able to manage it without interfering with the time I have available for my kids.)
Mouse_tales is a discussion leader in the East Valley for arizonamoms.com. She spends most of her days juggling her duties as a mom, wife, and business owner. Her three little kittens range in age from 4 to 13.
I know that my Mom (who
I know that my Mom (who happens to be a terrific grandmother) doesn't do well with "talking things out".
Instead of sitting down and talking about the big picture, you might want to ask the Grands/Aunts/Uncles to do specific things. For example, "Wally is so excited about his school play. I know it would mean a lot to him if you could come," or "Sandra has been asking me to teach her how to bake bread, but I have no clue; could you teach her?"
If you initiate one-on-one time between your children and members of the extended family, I'd bet the invitations will start coming in.
Our family is all out of
Our family is all out of town, but if they were here in PHX, there would be no more contact with them if they lived 2,000 miles closer.
It blows my mind that in 8 years of marriage, my mother-in-law has not called me one time (literally, ZERO) to just say hello and ask about her grandchildren. Never asks about what they are up to. Never contacts me to see how I am. Even if my husband happens to call and speak with her and tell her about how I'm battling the flu, or one of the kids went to the ER, etc., there is never a follow-up call to see how things have evolved, etc.
Mind you, she doesn't have 8 other kids and 20 grandchildren. She has 2 kids. We had our 2 kids (the 1st 2 grandchildren) before his sister recently had her 2, so there was a good chunk of time there were no other grandbabies to be interested in.
His sister, Ha! I'll be lucky if we're invited to her kids' weddings!
The funniest part is my husband used to think all of this was normal and that he'll say he has a great relationship with his mom and sister! For him, no communication and no interaction is okay/normal.
So, for us, having them out of town is good.
I believe that if they lived closer, I would just have higher expectations for interactions, and therefore, just be disappointed more.
Easier to have low expectations.
Ugh.
Happy2BMommy, is a stay-at-home mom who just turned 40 (argh!) with a 7 yr. old daughter and a 5 yr. old son, and is a discussion leader for arizonamoms.com living in Scottsdale.
I grew up in TExas with a
I grew up in TExas with a huge family- father has 6 brothers and sisters, so I was always around numerous cousins and family. When I got married we moved to AZ and had huge withdrawal symptoms....
I understand how you feel about GP's that are not involved, ours see the kids maybe twice a year if we are lucky. NOw with flights they way they are it will be less.
Since we raised our kids by ourselves out here, I learned to lean on close friends who were willing to help us out. My kids have a "grandparents" who started out as my daughters first caregivers when I went back to work. To this day, it is still hard for me to ask for help, but I have let go of the resentment I had for my parents and husbands parents regarding their involvement in our kids lives. It was their choice to be this disengaged, not ours. I never talk bad about them around the kids, and I welcome any visit they make in the future.
I'm lucky & thankful that my
I'm lucky & thankful that my parents are very involved in my daughters life & always have been. They truly are a blessing. They attend her swimming lessons almost every week, they go to anything & everything she's involved in, end of school stuff, dance recitals, out to eat with us, etc. So I cannot complain at all about them. Although, her dad's parents are probably not as involved as they could be. They live here, but they travel a lot and are gone the entire summer. She sees them I would say probably 10 times a year when she is with her Dad. In the past they have occasionally taken her for the day while I've been at work, but that hasn't happened in a long time. She loves them both very much and does get disappointed when she is participating in something that she would like them to be there for and they aren't or can't because they are not in town, etc. I have asked on occasion for her dad to impose on them to see if they can make it to certain things she's expressed interest in them being there for, but most times they aren't able to make it which is disappointing for my daughter.
As for extended family we have some in town that we see mainly on holidays or special occasions. Once in a while we will get together with my cousins family so she can play with their kids .... most of the other relatives live out of state .. so she's not all that close with them.
Perhaps taking your own
Perhaps taking your own advice would work. If they have kids, call and ask them to come over. Then maybe you will start a pattern. ??
There is no way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a good one!
That's a good idea.
That's a good idea. Grandkids do have much more influence than daughter-in-laws.
I say do you best to keep initiating, as frustrating as it may be. (The super involved grandparents just might be the mother's parents.) Besides, you want the kids to get to know their grandparents. And this is what we much do as daughter-in-laws, initiate. :)
I have very active grandparents on my side and somewhat absent on my husband's side. Part of it, I'm assuming, is financial and part is distance. Both sets of grandparents are retired...actually, my dad is back to working as a consultant but took time off this summer to spend time with the grandkids.
But that said, I feel like I'm the one who always initiates contact with my inlaws. (Sorry, if you are reading!) I was calling weekly early on, it's probably more like once or twice a month now. I let the kids talk to them on the phone, too. Sometimes I leave messages and no call back. Now, in fairness, I don't know if my husband's parents just call him back those times because he won't always tell me that he spoke with his parents.
And the lack of calling on their side could be a family trait. If I didn't call, I don't know if my husband would necessarily pick up the phone as often as I do. I talk to my mom at least 4-5 times a week. I like staying connected.
My husband's parents usually make one trip down a year (only one of his siblings have made it down in seven years. We've been up about 10 times - once or twice a year). And I feel like I'm the one always asking, "when are you coming? The kids would love to see you!"
I do think if we lived in the same city, things would be different (more visits). But not totally. I think I would still do much of the initiating.
I do think moms stick by their daughters and (my optimistic side says) they do their best not to ignore their daughter-in-laws (it's probably easier the more in common you have - in my case, we get along I think, but we are just very different).
The mother-daughter bond, I believe, is a huge reason the grandparents didn't visit this spring. My 22 yo neice (their daughter's daughter) gave birth before my kids' Spring Break. And great-grandma couldn't leave her side for many weeks. I don't blame her.
Good luck.
Arizona Moms Editor Yvette Armendariz shares stories about raising her kids and tips for busy parents in her Time-starved (goddess) Mom blog. She and her husband are raising two children, ages 8 and 11.
If possible, I would call
If possible, I would call upon your good times growing up to get your siblings on board first. Having them over and talking fondly about the times you shared together and how you want that for your children might help them realize it is important to make time for all of your kids to form close relationships.
As for the grandparent issue, I would work on my own parents first and let them know the kids are getting older fast, and let them know how much you want them to part of your children's lives. I always think calling upon positive memories of the past helps bridge gaps that might have been formed.
It is so much more difficult when in-laws are involved because unless you know them well, where do you start?
We are fortunate in that our kids have had four grandparents who have been really involved in their lives, especially when we lived in Ohio, but we have experienced some of the same problems with our siblings. I know not knowing my sister-in-law has created misunderstandings and hurt feelings that would not have happened if I truly knew her. The best thing you can do is communicate with your husband and try together to come up with a way to reach out them.
Good luck and please share anything that works for establishing lasting relationships.
JuneSlager is a discussion leader for arizonamoms.com, raising three children (ages 15, 14, & 11) in Northeast Phoenix.
This is a good idea...to
This is a good idea...to start with my immediate family rather than trying to take on the task of all at once. I think when one realizes that something is a "big problem," seeing potential solutions on a small scale are overlooked.
Very good point.
And, you are right...I am not particularly close with my in-laws, mostly because of the disparity I see in how they treat our children vs. others in the family...who aren't even local!
I am not sure I will solve this in a few turns; however, there's been a great flow of ideas for strategy. I'll keep you all in the loop.
Mouse_tales is a discussion leader in the East Valley for arizonamoms.com. She spends most of her days juggling her duties as a mom, wife, and business owner. Her three little kittens range in age from 4 to 13.
We have found a tool that's
We have found a tool that's been very helpful for my parents to connect with my 2 year old daughter. All they need is a video camera and microphone and then the distance of my mother living in New York becomes irrelevant - she can chat with my daughter, play games and teach her reading and math skills - most importantly though, my daughter can see her Nana.
Its called grandparentgames.com.
We just bought a webcam with
We just bought a webcam with a microphone. That's a really good idea. Most of our family is connected via internet, with the exception of my mom...the family member who spends the most time with our kids! Ha! My brother sends me videos of my nephew on my cellphone, too.
Thank you for the website referral.
Mouse_tales is a discussion leader in the East Valley for arizonamoms.com. She spends most of her days juggling her duties as a mom, wife, and business owner. Her three little kittens range in age from 4 to 13.
Yes - let me know what you
Yes - let me know what you think. My daughter loves the music section in the Kidtown (Explore the World).
I thought it was just me.
I thought it was just me. My husband is an only child of divorced parents. So our children are the only grandchildren. Number of sleepovers at any grandparents house - 0. Number of children not met by grandparents = 3. Some people are not cut out to be grandparents. And I am the first wife!
Wow - that's so sad that
Wow - that's so sad that they have never even met your children. Whether or not they are "cut out" to be grandparents, it is absolutely sad that they have never even seen them!
I was wondering if it has anything to do with their age? Or, some of the social groups or cliques that cater to the idea that grandparents are "done" raising their children???
Mouse_tales is a discussion leader in the East Valley for arizonamoms.com. She spends most of her days juggling her duties as a mom, wife, and business owner. Her three little kittens range in age from 4 to 13.
Well I know that with us, we
Well I know that with us, we have a grandparent who has a fear of flying. So that grandparent (my husband's parent) has met the children 3 times, and at that time the last three were not even born. I would never not meet and be involved with my grandchildren (long ways off). And actually we are young and my husband's parents are young, in their 50s. We have no family support. But what can you do? You make the best of it. My children are being raised that family comes first, family is important.