Ugh! i just don 't know what to do about my in laws anymore. They are so rude to me. my husband had surgery 2 days ago and of course i was not gonna leave his side for the world. lets start from the beginning. i live in a house with my honey between his mom's house, which she shares with one daughter and his other sister..our house go...mom--us--sister. when my honey and i got to the hospital all was dandy. then his sisters and mom showed up. a nurse came to take him back to get his iv in and all the good pre op stuff during this time we all set in the waiting room, his sisters went to the front desk and gave them her phone number to call when they could go back, the nurse told them she already had his wifes name and i would be the first to know anything about him. they said well that doesn't matter we are here now you can tell us. then a nurse came out to get his mom and i to wait with him until the surgery. one sister made a fuss that he didn't ask for her. after he had went into the OR , his mom and i came out and they asked what the dr had said, after his mom stood there silent i proceeded to tell them, one put up her had as to quiet me and said so mom what did the dr say then i went to the cafe, to eat, kep in mind i haven't ate since 8pm, and it is now 4 pm the next day, my honey couldn't eat and i wasn't gonna eat infront of him. one sister said i can't believe you are not gonna sit here and wait. i told her i would be back in 15 and she said well we are not going anywhere. after he had come out of surgery i talked to the nurse and she told me where they were taking him and i could meet him there i told them were he was going and they totally ignored me walked around me and asked the nurse, that i had just finished talking to the exact questions she just gave me the answers to. then after he was in his room and they were getting ready to leave he asked one sister if i could borrow her sweater, if looks could kill! i said no thank you she said its a good thing. and walked out. this isn't the first time this has happened, they come to our house and just walk in. then don't say one word to me and go on with their bussiness which i think they have none in my house if they can't discuss it with me.they think they can just come and get my 7 month old daughter when they feel like it. if one of them watches her while i am at work the automatically change her clothes and i never see them again. i just don't know what to do anymore. i am always nice to them and their kids. i k now they say stuff about me because the 5 yr old tells me things and the 8 yr old says my mom said or we think. i don't want to bring it up to my hubby cuz he just needs to be worried about healing right now. but i can't take this anymore.
Wow I really feel for you.
Wow I really feel for you. I don't know what to say. I haven't had this experience, thank goodness.
I think they are trying to
I think they are trying to run over you. Until you stand up for yourself, it will continue. So, one of your inlaws watches the baby. Do they think that you depend on them? so maybe they think they can treat you how they wish.
It sounds very disrespectful that they went over your head and asked their mother to speak instead of you. They think that your speaking is not important.
My mothers ex-inlaws did her worse than anyone could imagine, so I know it happens. It shows their true colors.
Either don't go around them no more then you have to, or say in a funny joke, "can I please have some respect around here."
My husband thinks your husband should say something to his family about their disrespectful behavior, but only when he gets well.
People like this are everywhere. My brothers married women like this. Thank goodness one is out of the family now.
One Happy Mom in Arizona.
Thanks for the advice! i am
Thanks for the advice! i am a really passive person and i don't let things bother me but this is out of control. i don't depend on them to watch my daughter. she only watches her saturday and sundays because she asked my hubby. i could get a billion other people to watch her for those couple days when i work. but i decided to let her because well she is her aunt and she lives right next door. i try and avoid them as much as possible. but i don't want to be rude and i don't want to hurt my hubby's feelings. him and i have had this conversation about them before and he has said something to them but they don't care. get this, one of his sisters is the one who set us up! and now she is an a-hole, excuse me, but seriously! and i have never ever done anything to hurt him or them. i honestly think the only thing that would fix my problem is moving away...
Good Luck
Good Luck
One Happy Mom in Arizona.
this may be opening
this may be opening pandora's box, but you might consider sitting down with all of them and discussing the relationship. don't accuse - take the high road and ask if something has happened to strain your relationship.
if you don't get any results, then try to be as civil as you can for the sake of your marriage.
Susie is a discussion leader in the east valley for arizonamoms.com. She has two sons, ages 7 and 3.
I would just tell it like it
I would just tell it like it is. You already know they don't like you, so sitting them down to me is useless.
I had to tell my MIL point blank to knock and not walk in our house, just because we gave her the garage code did not mean she could just walk in, it was for the sole purpose of her coming over when watching our house or if no one was home. And I also told her that she should call. It got kinda loud in our voices, but I did it face to face. And since then (8years later), She calls and knocks. Unless she is coming over when we are gone.
My husband was afraid to say anything to her, so I had to, and He was all for it. I remember him calling and asking if I had talked to his mom when she came over, and then asked what her response was. She actually said "I should slap you". And I responded with " I would think twice before you raise a hand at me".. I all worked out, we get along for the most part, but I had to put her in her place first. None of this sit down and lets talk. I think that is useless. They will try to blame you and control you. Just tell it like it is. And be done with it.
" just my Opinion" LOL
I understand that you don't
I understand that you don't want to upset your husband, but wouldn't it be better to talk with him calmly NOW (or soon, at least!) than to wait until something happens and you can't take it any more, then there's a big explosion of anger?
Explain how you feel and that you're not asking him to take sides or denounce them. You just want to be treated with respect and until now they have not done so. Hear him about because maybe there is more going on than you know about, or perhaps he has never seen it from your perspective. In either case, I would talk to him as soon as possible, not with a 'what are you going to do about this?' tone, but with a "I love you and I love your family, but this is just so painful for me" tone.
If that doesn't work, I would go to them directly and tell them how you feel, and that you won't be putting up with the rude behavior any longer. It's not only unfair to you, but surely your kids feel 'torn' when they hear their aunts/gramma talking ill of their mom. It's hurting them, too. Plus they are learning that it's ok to be cruel and dehumanizing to others, and is that really a lesson you and your husband want for them?
And if all else fails, I'd move! I know that's easier said than done, but wow talk about living in the heart of enemy territory! You deserve neighbors who will also be your FRIENDS --- and it's a sad reflection on your husband's family members that they choose to be the opposite.
New to AZ --- and missing autumn leaves and the smell of apple orchards!
You deserve to get something
You deserve to get something to eat, and after all if you do not take care of yourself, you will not have the energy to take care of your husband. As for your rude (_X_) sister-in-law let her get her updates from Mommy Dearest. If she directly asks you a question, by all means answer it, no need to be rude back, but just answer her question with sincerity in your voice. When your husband gets well, address this with him, and in return ask him to address this to his family, if he does not it will continue or you tell him you will not have them being rude to you in person or home. They must respect your home. Model it for the salvages and always be courteous. Don't bring yourself to their level. I know easier said then done, but I have been there and now my sister-in-law and mother-in-law try to talk to me even more. I have not forgotten how they have treated me, but by treating them with courtesy at least I feel better knowing I have control of my emotions. Let me them know, that you will let them have your daughter ready for visits when they give you notice. It seems like, you have no boundaries with them or them you, it's not too late set some up. Only you can change that. You can't change them, but you can change the way you respond to their rudeness. For sure, have your husband talk to them, they are his family, if not be prepared to follow it up yourself, please do not think it is o k for them to treat you in this fashion. Speak up, and make yourself heard. Hugs and take care, some people are just happy when they make someone else feel crappy. They sound like they fit the bill, set those boundaries.
Drea
I did not read all the
I did not read all the replies so this might be a repeat but here goes...
On a lighter note, Your story sound like an episode of everybody loves raymond!
On the let's get serious about this....
1 - If they have keys to the house, change the locks!
2 - always keep your doors locked so that no one can just walk in!
3 - Get hubby involved and let him know how you feel about all this.
4 - do not let me repeat that in yelling DO NOT ever say anything the least bit negative about the outlaws in front of the kids. Just smile and swallow any negative thoughts. If you have to say something, put a huge smile on your face and laughingly say "oh I just love so & so" or "she is so funny". You NEVER want to pout the kids in the middle of having the outlaws interogate the kids and the kids not knowing what to say or kids words taken worng.
5 - MOVE!! I would never be able to live that close to my outlaws.
I do feel for you!! At least your MIL is not introducing you to her friends as "this is mom24boys, my oldest son's wife. She's mexican!" The STUPID or perhaps funny????part of this is - I am NOT mexican! You would think she would know this - I mean dh & I have been married for 20 years. Go figure!
What does Mexican have to do
What does Mexican have to do with anything??
" just my Opinion" LOL
yeah............why does she
yeah............why does she think you are Mexican if you aren't....? Is that supposed to be an insult?
I like to consider myself "Mexican by association"....since my husband is Mexican..... and for nine months I had a little Mexican in me.....lol
I wonder if its a good idea
I wonder if its a good idea to sit down with the ones being rude to you and ask if everything is okay, because it doesn't seem like it and give examples. Good luck
There is no way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a good one!
Usually people that act like
Usually people that act like this don't see their problem. They always think its the other person. It would be a waste of time for you if your husband has already said something to them.
If they don't change the attitude, then I would not let her watch your child. If they ask, then you can step up and say it is best under the circumstances. This may get her attention, but if not, you can't make someone treat you better if they are just rude by nature.
Believe me, I've been around enough rude behavior with my sister-in-law married to my brother, and you can't talk to her at all. She knows it all, and thinks she has control over everyone. Its best to stay away. Find a person with a good heart to watch your child if needed and maybe that will really cook her goose.
Just remember its not you and its not your fault. These kind of people will make you think that its you, but dare not think like that.
One Happy Mom in Arizona.
Girl, you need to lay down
Girl, you need to lay down the law.. YOU are the head of your house and they need to respect you!!! I would have a sit down for sure but first you need to make the playing field equal.. You live like one other mom said on enemy ground... Either meet somewhere else for have some of your family there to support you. Make your hubby support you... It's his job to handle all stuff relating to his family if there are problems between you and the family.(got that from Dr Phil) lol.... .. I have been through (in-law meddling) TWICE! The first time I was passive like you, I had just had my first child and I didn't know how to stand up for myself. Now, I may come off a bit rude at times but I totally stand up for myself. I just won't stand for the snide comments that are made "only to you" when the husband is not around!!! I don't think my husband would even believe some of the stuff and even the way I have been talked to by his "sweet as pie/bless your heart" mom.. Don't get me wrong, they are good people but he is the only child and I think that made his parent's feel entitled to my children and having a say in how they would eat and things like that... I won't forgot after my daughter was born my MIL made a comment about how I stayed upstairs until noon everyday with the new baby... I explained that I was up until 3am and I just was sleeping while the baby slept. She came back with "Well, I have never heard that"... I was like OMG! Then with that said and tension building (me) I went down stairs to get something and they were talking to my little 3 week old newborn about how she would eat right and blah blah that she's going to eat more fruit than my son does blahblah and I blew up... I marched around the corner and said "LOOK I KNOW YOU BOTH ARE NEW AT THIS WHOLE GRANDPARENT THING BUT YOU HAVE YOUR CHILD AND THIS IS MY FAMILY, MY CHILDREN AND I WILL SAY WHAT THEY EAT AND I AM SICK TO DEATH OF YOUR RUDE COMMENTS AND YOU NEED TO KEEP THEM TO YOURSELF AND DO NOT MAKE COMMENTS LIKE THAT TO MY CHILDREN"... and with that I went upstairs shaking.... I went a little over board sure...lol... but since then i have only had small run ins with them... in-laws are hard. it's not your family. it's a new set of people, new set of value's that you are expected to to mesh with... Well, as we know it doesn't always mesh.. Fact is plain and simple, This is YOUR family and whether your husband will have the cahones to stand up to his family you wil have to at some point.. It will be easier if you do it sooner rather than later.... Good Luck and just tell it like it is.... Your life... They are just visitors... You all are not one big happy family no matter how close you live to them.. You are your husband and your baby are a "single family unit" that is separate from the rest of them and they need to see it that way... Your in charge!!! Go Girl!!!
Elizabeth is a discussion leader for arizonamoms she writes about everything from her needing mommy advice to crazy and silly stuff that happens. She lives in the West Valley with her husband and 3 children.