I just got a call from my 18 year old son. He spent a couple days with his nana...he was all happy and excited because she had taken him to get his driver's license and he passed the driving test...therefore he has a license.
I've been doing most of the teaching on his driving. He's driven maybe 5 hours tops in his lifetime. We live in Phoenix, a huge city with crazy drivers. He has not taken any driver's ed, or the insurance company's program...both of which I had told him he had to do before I would let him get his license. He doesn't drive smoothly, jerks over into the lane instead of gliding in...there's only one example...there are more of why I don't think he's ready to be driving on his own.
Our insurance will go up. We only have 1 car. Two more dang good reasons to not get his license yet. He's 18, not very responsible 18 either.
So him and my mom decide it would be great to "surprise" me. They let my husband know...he tells me that he didn't think the test would be passed. But he didn't tell me they were going to do it. I truly think that both our son and my mom knew that I wouldn't agree with it, so that's the "surprise" way to do it.
I got on my son when he called all happy (I feel like dirt now) and yelled at my 69 yr old mom...crying the whole time. I'm still crying. My son keeps telling me to stop being mad at Nana because it wasn't her fault. I'm (inappropriate term) at both of them AND my husband for not telling me.
So now I'm the mean bad mom. I feel betrayed, my mom really had no business doing this, it should have been my husband and my decision! He lives with us, it's our car he would be driving, and our insurance that will go up! Now he is legal to drive any car, even though he can't really drive worth (inappropriate term). But I'm the mean awful mom who made her mom upset and should stop it.
Please tell me I'm wrong and should suck it up...lol...maybe that will make me stop crying.
Mom of sons M (18), J (14), and daughter S (11) ... I love them all but heaven help me, some days I want to run away :)
I think you have a right to
I think you have a right to be angry. Going behind your back was not the right thing to do. I have a teen driver so I understand some of your concerns. Not all teens are ready at 16. It greatly depends on the maturity of the child involved. It sounds like everyone needs to sit down and calmly discuss the issues at hand. Now that he is a licensed driver, you definitely need to insure him on your vehicle. The premium will vary based on how many miles you anticipate him driving and other factors. I would get the insurance info together and discuss everything. Teens insurance is high because they do have many more accidents. You have to trust your teen 100% before sending him out in a car without a parent!
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I believe once we come of
I believe once we come of age, its just normal that we want to get our driver license. If the parents are too strict and don't allow it regarding other things too, the kids are going to sneak around and do it. I'm 36 now, but I got my driving permit at 15.
I'm proud that he passed. I think now its up to mom and dad to help him be more responsible on the roads. Give him good advice on being a great driver. Make sure to let him know that he is not driving the family car until you can trust his driving.
I would want my son to begin driving as soon as he can. Remind him of the dangers and the responsibility and be happy for him. Thats a huge step in life.
I knew a lady that never got her license and was scared of the highways. She had someone to drive her around all her life.
I would never want that for my 18 year old or myself.
Let him grow up. Life is all about trials and errors. Life is learning from mistakes and doing better the next time.
Who knows, you may need him to drive you somewhere if ever an emergency did occur.
I know grandmas live for their grandchldren, so I really can't blame her. She was wanting to please him. Like my mother tells us, we can get glad just like we got mad!!
Get over it. Use your energy now in teaching him how to use great driving techniques. He is 18 and if he begins working and buys a car, he needs license. If he wrecks, well its called growing up. Just tell him to prepare for the consequences.
One Happy Mom in Arizona.
You're not wrong. But, if it
You're not wrong. But, if it makes you feel any better, my friend, Nedda, told me that her teenage girls were mad at her for four years because she set rules and stuck to them. Now they're all fabulous grown-ups with great careers and compassionate hearts. So stick to your guns.
As you pointed out, even though he has his driver's license, it does not give him license to drive your car. He can still take driver's education or any other mandate you decide before he can drive your car. He also may need to get a part-time job to help pay for the insurance. You decide.
Karina Bland is raising her 9-year-old son in Tempe with a lot of love, humor and support from her friends and family. A longtime journalist covering child welfare and education issues for The Arizona Republic, she blogs about raising good kids.
You weren't wrong and she
You weren't wrong and she did overstep a boundary. My question is why is your son 18 and has only driven a handful of times and you haven't made him take driver's ed through school or your insurance company. It sounds like you were purposely trying to hold him back from growing up. I might be wrong with that statement and if I am I apologize, but unless there are some other facts here that you haven't stated this is my take on the situation. The grandmother also felt you were being unreasonable in not letting an 18 year old get a driver's license. At 18 (whether or not they are responsible) he is by law considered an adult. Honestly, you don't have to put him on your insurance, don't have to let him use your only car, and don't have to let him use his license either. Maybe you should use this as an incentive for him to get a part time job, his own insurance and start saving for a car. You can also say, "I feel that since you did this you need to take driver's ed to help prepare you for the driving dilemas you will face on Phoenix's busy streets."
Just my thoughts and suggestions.
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
My son wasn't interested in
My son wasn't interested in getting his permit for the longest time. We got him the manual to study, and he left it on our desk for months. He actually ended up taking the test for the permit by my suggestion. I had to kind of push him into it, and he was 17 then.
It took him 3 times to pass the first test, becuase he said he didn't need to study for it, it was easy. Actually we had told him after the first two times of not passing that until he actually really studied the book we didn't want him taking it again. 3 times is the limit in like 6 months I think? So we left it at that (this was last summer) and the next day my mom took him in again to take the test knowing we had said that. Somehow he passed the 3rd time...and they "surprised" me then too.
After he got it he drove her car home to her place in Sun City. Then unless I made him drive he wouldn't. I had to put the keys in his hands and get in the passenger seat. All he wanted was control of the radio. So that went off every time he drove. He just got to the point a couple weeks ago where he would drive without me telling him to, and he was still jerky and came up too fast on cars...things we do when we are learning. He drove just a couple days ago with me again, and was still tense and wanted only the radio, and making many mistakes. He wasn't paying attention, made a left in front of a car that almost made me scream how close it was. And I am actually a very calm teacher on the car hehe...only raised my voice once when he was backing up at a garage sale and hit the gas instead of the brake. That one sent us flying toward another car...and was a miracle that we didn't hit.
He isn't a responsible 18 year old, as much as we have tried to teach him responsibility. He is a junior in high school, and acts like a freshman most of the time. I want so badly to have a responsible 18 year old, believe me. We have been trying to raise our kids to be independent, to be responsible for themselves and their own actions. Our other 2 are 14 and 11, and honestly they are more responsible than the 18 year old. There are many reasons I say this, and I won't go into details really on our oldest, but I am frustrated he is not responsible. I'm frustrated that he is now legally an adult, but acts like there shouldn't be consequences for doing the wrong things. He wasn't raised that way, but now that he's 18 he sees no reason why we should have ANY say in anything he does, he's an ADULT. Yet he works as little as possible (hours) at work, won't lift a finger at home without a fight even though he has had chores since he was little...changes girlfriends as often as his socks (once a week or so hehe) and no matter if I am standing there watching, will say he didn't do something he just did.
Oh yeah I really want him to grow up and be independant and responsible. And I may be throwing this all out of whack, but I feel I know my son. And I feel he is not a safe driver, or a capable driver. He didn't want to take the driver's ed yet, he was going to next year. He said he didn't see a reason to get a license when we only had one car.
And maybe I'm overly emotional atm, I'm not usually. But I feel betrayed by my mom and my husband, they both knew what was going on and thought it was perfectly ok to surprise me. And neither one feel what they did was wrong in any way...and I feel he is my son too and I should have been informed BEFORE they went for the test. Shouldn't a mom be included in a milestone for her own child?
You all have good points, thank you so much for responding. I feel so alone right now.
Mom of sons M (18), J (14), and daughter S (11) ... I love them all but heaven help me, some days I want to run away :)
Then I agree with what
Then I agree with what another poster said...tell your son flat out, "I think it's great you passed but a license doesn't give you the right to drive." Make guidelines, rules and keep him off the road at night for a while.
My heart goes out to you, I do agree that she did over step and now you'll have to deal with some consequenses if you are right.
Good luck and cheer up!
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
That was a really nice
That was a really nice explanation, Ramis. I think we sometimes may be quick to judge from a few sentences on a post, but we don't know the whole story. You know your son, and you must follow what you believe to be right. I don't blame you for feeling betrayed either, but hopefully now your family won't try to "surprise" you again! Good luck!
Hobbymommy, 38, is a discussion leader from Mesa. She is a happy stay-at-home mommy to a 3-year-old daughter and a 2-year-old son.
That is a really tough
That is a really tough situation. I hate it when I'm made out to be the mean one. One thing I would do is not allow my son to drive until he is insured--and make him pay for the insurance himself, or if grandma wants him to drive so much, maybe she can help out too. If he's responsible enough to have a license, seems like he should have to contribute too.
Brooke Romney is an unbalanced mom of three young boys who constantly has too much to do, and too little time. She writes the Mom Beat column for The Gilbert Republic.
WHAT? YOU CAN GET A DRIVER'S
WHAT? YOU CAN GET A DRIVER'S LIC WITHOUT A MANDITORY STATE DRIVER'S ED CLASS? I'm from Texas and we had to pass a 8 week course before we could even take a DMV test to get our lic... You have a big right to be mad.. Don't feel like dirt for being this way. You have to protect your son! That and other people on the road. I don;t want my kids driving if they are not ready or anyone else's either... You are a Great mom for being mad and taking this serious! My neighbor about 6 yrs ago was walking her daughter to school and she was right next to her daughter. A teenage driver who just got his Lic two days before turned a corner and wasn't looking and killed my friends daughter she was only 5 yrs old. The mother of the teenage boy said she knew that her son shouldn't have been driving because he wasn't ready.
Elizabeth is a discussion leader for arizonamoms she writes about everything from her needing mommy advice to crazy and silly stuff that happens. She lives in the West Valley with her husband and 3 children.
This really varies from
This really varies from state to state...For example, my sister got her license in OH, and she had to have like 25hrs of on the road drivers training. But there were no limits on when she could drive once she got the license. I got my license in PA, and there you just have to wait 3 days between when you get your permit and when you take the driving test, but you got a "Cinderella license" that was invalid between midnight and 6am and had other restrictions as well(or at least that's how it was at the time, who konws if they've changed it). The drivers license became unrestricted when you turned 18.
Also, at the time, if you had a boy, your rates went up a lot when he started driving, but if you had a girl, they went up $1, because boys were considered a high risk but girls weren't. But then unisex car insurance went through, and now both genders enjoy high car insurance rates.
For me and most of the people I went to college with, we got our licenses at 16, but it was just for emergencies...We never got driving priveleges at home. I never owned a car until I bought my own when I graduated college at 22 (it was not a commuter school)
Oh, don't feel like you did
Oh, don't feel like you did anything wrong just b/c he is not responsible yet... I think Dr Phil said once that kids don't even havethe frame of mind to even make a good choice until the age of 24 so it's our job as parents to be controling and make the choices for them. They just can't make responsible choices. He said if youhae a child that does then great but most don't have ability to do so... He even said that as far as spring break for 18 yr olds that it should be a huge NO NO!
The show had somethign to do with a dad that put a gps on his teenage sons car.. Dr Phil said "heck yes you have the right to do this"...The teenager wasn't to happy but the dad was...
I will say it again... Your a GREAT mom for getting upset over this...
Elizabeth is a discussion leader for arizonamoms she writes about everything from her needing mommy advice to crazy and silly stuff that happens. She lives in the West Valley with her husband and 3 children.
Your House, Your Rules He
Your House, Your Rules
He might be 18, but you are still the "manager" of your home (hopefully, working in concert with your husband).
If you want, you could say, if you want to drive our car, you must first take driver's ed and pay for your own insurance. I'm sure that your agent can set up a policy that bills him separately.
In the meantime, if he wants to go drive grandma's or a friend's car, I suppose, at 18, that is out of your control....but you still should feel free to put down your own rules with your own car.
Good luck!
Happy2BMommy, is a stay-at-home mom who just turned 40 (argh!) with a 7 yr. old daughter and a 5 yr. old son, and is a discussion leader for arizonamoms.com living in Scottsdale.
Did your mom know you did
Did your mom know you did not want him to get his license yet? If she didn't know it's kind of hard to fault her when your husband gave the OK.
Besides your son is 18 and he could have gone and got his license with or without her. Just because he has a license doesn't mean you have to let him drive. Now you can legally take him to low traffic areas to get in some drive time. He needs to learn at sometime and he's getting a bit old to not know how to drive imo.
You can't change history, so
You can't change history, so make him pay for his insurance and car. It's a privilege to drive and it's his responsibility as an adult to provide for his ride.
You definately have a right
You definately have a right to be mad. Parents should decide when their children are ready to drive.
Susie is a discussion leader in the east valley for arizonamoms.com. She has two sons, ages 7 and 3.