It's time for a post about one of my complicated family situations again..lol
I'm just looking to get this off my chest and hear some perspectives, I doubt this is really a problem that can be solved...anyway, here goes:
To give a little background on the situation - my mom gave up a baby for adoption about eight years before I was born. This was before she met my father. The baby's father disappeared, so my grandparents sent her away to an unwed mother's home to have the baby, and then she gave her up for adoption. I didn't learn of this untilI was in high school. Mom always said she'd be open to a reunion, but only if it were initated by her daughter, and I knew it was a sore subject so we rarely, if ever, discussed it.
Fast forward to about three years ago - my father had just passed away, and I was doing some geneaolgical research on the internet, on ancesty.com, etc......and I happened to google my mother's maiden name. Well -I found a posting on another website from the daughter my mom gave up so long ago. She was looking for my mom. I contacted them to get a feel of what their intentions were, because I figured that if they only wanted medical history and no relationship, I could provide that without having to upset or involve my mom. I also figured that they were probably going to find her on their own sooner or later, and a call like that out of the blue could be a shock to someone likemy mom who is sometimes in a fragile mental state, so I wanted the chance to approach her first and gauge her interest in making contact. So, I approached mom and explained to her what had happened - and she seemed thrilled, and wanted to hear from them.
That was three years ago this December, and since then there have been several visits, e-mails, phone calls, etc between them, and my sister and I have also spent time getting to know one another - we keep in touch, and we have visited, introduced our familes to one another, and so on. For my sister and - there was an instant connection, and we get along very well. In a lot of ways, we could not be more different, but there are also many similarites......i can honestly say I loved her instantly and without condition.
Unfortunately - things have not been smooth between my mom and my sister. They cannot seem to find much common ground. Mom has been openly critical of my sister on several fronts....she doesn't like her political stance,she seems to disapprove of her lifestyle, she doesn't like the way my sister keeps house....and she has expressed a lot of jealously over the lavish wedding my sister had(the kind my mom always wanted) and the fact that my sister is a SAHM(which is what mom wanted to be, but she always had to work to support my dad). So.....my sister, of course, senses the disapproval and has confided to me she's somewhat hurt by it. I have tried explaining mom's history with mental illness, and telling her that I think this has just been a lot for mom to take in....I don't know what else to say. I feel bad because from what I can tell, my sister has made a very genuine effort to reach out to my mom, and get to know her....and she hasn't dwelled on their differences the way mom has.
My sister has had a rough go of it over the past few months - she lost her adoptive dad and her mother in law within a week of one another, so there was double the loss, two funerals to plan, etc....and they have been having some financial trouble....they were in danger of foreclosure for a while. She also homeschools both her children and she does a lot of volunteer work for her church. So, she has had her hands full. My mom knew about all this, and she sent a card with condolences on the adoptive father's death, but that was about it. My sister's adoptive mom died 20 years ago, so now she feels mom is the only parent she has left....she has been very melancholy since the loss of her dad, and she sent mom an e-mail telling her this, that she appreciates the choice my mom made all those years ago to give her life, and that she wants so much to grow their relationship.....and she said my mom's response was a curt "Thanks....we'll see how things go". Again, she was hurt by that. I think mom just didn't know what to say.....I wish she could have mustered something a little warmer than that response, but I'll just leave it at that.
So - mom's birthday was about three weeks ago. My sister is terrible about keeping up with these things...she rarely remembers my birthday or my son's on time, but I don't care about things like that...I remember birthdays, but I think she's just a little scatterbrained so I don't hold it against her....and she gives gifts and does little things at random, so it's not like she is just self centered or something. Well, apparently she forgot mom's birthday....and my mom is livid. I talked to my mom the other day, and I mentioned that I had talked to my sister about some thing else....and mom said "oh, well she has time to talk to you, but not to call me on my birthday!!!!!!" and then she just went OFF....saying she was through with her, saying all sorts of mean things..............and I told my mom I am sure she did not mean to overlook it, but with all she's had going on, the depression she has been.......I can see where it may have slipped her mind. So, then of course she became even more angry and accused me of taking my sister's side.....I finally said "sorry, mom, but I dont know what you want me to say, so perhaps I shouldn't say anything".......frankly, I felt my mom was behaving like a petulant child, but I am reluctant to really agitate her at times because of her mental state, so I just dropped it and got off the phone post haste.
So - what is my point here? I guess I'm a little sad and disappointed that they haven't been able to forge some kind of bond......I feel like my mom has been given a gift and it pains me to see that she is apparently unable - or unwilling to accept it at this point and is wasting a lot of time looking for reasons to critcize or be angry. I feel like a lot of this has to do with my mom's mental condition....mom is not as sensitive as she used to be.....for example, my husband and I were in a car accident a few weeks ago, and I had an injury.....and when I told mom about it on the phone she didn't ask how we were, or even if our son had been there, she just kept talking about doing things around her house and asking when I was going to get around to sending pictures of her grandson.....and a few days later she sent an email with the title in big bold letters "WHERE ARE MY PICTURES"....no concern for us or mention of the accident ........that hurt me a little, but I know it's just how she is at this point in her life,so I had to let that go and not resent it..........I have had a hard time trying to explain this to my sister and try to help her not take mom's rejection so personally...this whole situation really has very little to do with me, and everything to do with them, so in a way it is absolutely none of my business....but I find myself in the middle of it at times. These are two people I love dearly, and I wish there was a way to bring them together. Maybe my expecations are too high, who knows.
Wow...I can relate on so
Wow...I can relate on so many fronts...as someone who has a difficult to non-existent relationship with my mother due to her needing to control and criticize all aspects of my life...I truly sympathize. We've never been able to salvage a relationship because there is no give on her side...everything is black and white, right or wrong. For me, it's toxic and I've chosen not to engage.
I also was adopted by my father and met my biological father. It didn't evolve into a relationship and he acted as if I were ungrateful for his flying me out to see him. We never became close and only had a few visits. I missed out on two half-sisters and I will tell you this...I think you and your sister are very lucky to have emerged from the reunion with a close relationship between the two of you.
I'm sure it hurts her deeply to be 'rejected' by your mother, or at least, not held in as close regard as she thinks a daughter should be, (I know the feeling)...however, some people are just emotionally closed off. This is the truth I've had to accept about my mother. I can count on one hand the number of nice things she's ever said to me and I wouldn't even need any of my fingers and maybe not a thumb, if you know what I mean. But my mom's being emotionally closed off has nothing to do with me...it has to do with her. Your mom may have emotionally closed the chapter on your sister because it was too painful to think about and now she has no idea how to deal with her, much less how to be her mother.
I'm sure that you and your sister appreciate the relationship you have with each other...your mother just may not be capable of more. It's sad, yes. But it doesn't have to cancel out the good that you have found with each other.
I hope I don't sound preachy...I've just been there/done that for several years and had to finally come to my that conclusion out of self-preservation. I know you are a very intelligent lady from all of your posts.
Thanks - I appreciate your
Thanks - I appreciate your kind words and insights, and you don't sound preachy, just honest. I figured there must be others out there who have experienced something similar. So, if you don't mind my asking - did you find you bio father, or did he seek you out?
The thing about my mom is...the mom I have today is nothing like the sweet, wonderful one who raised me. My mom is mentally ill - I think she's bi-polar, but symptoms didn't manifest until late in life. On top of that, she's still very bitter about all she endured in her marriage to my dad.......in my heart I know that's a choice she's making, to be closed off and angry, but I still want the good things in life for her, you know?
I feel like if this had happened maybe 10 or 15 years ago, when she was in her right mind(for lack of a better term) mom would have been more open to it, but that's not the way it played out.
I am very grateful to have my sister in my life, and her family....I have two other half sisters from my dad's first marriage and I would not know them if they passed me on the street, there just has never been any really consistent interest from them.
My biological father sought
My biological father sought me out. It was truly a shock as I did not know I was adopted, (although believe it or not, I suspected I was completely adopted when I was a child). I was 18 and it pretty much upset my whole world for a while. I will always puzzle that he sought me out and then criticized me and was reluctant to pay for my flight, (I was only 18, after all...a flight was a huge expense for me).
I'm sure that it's ultimately more painful when it's mental illness and your mom's whole personality has changed...I guess my mom prepared me my whole life for this kind of (non-existent) relationship, but it would hurt more to 'lose' someone to mental illness.
I wish my mom would want to be a loving grandmother to my daughters, (I never forbid her to see them, she just never called or showed an interest), but I can't control whether she does that or even wants to do that, or not. Even though you can't make your mom nurture a relationship with your sister, you can be there for your sister.
I don't know if that helps, it's just a painful situation. My heart goes out to you.
I can imagine that must have
I can imagine that must have really turned your world upside down! So, is the mom you speak of your adoptive mother, or your bio mother?
I try to think of how I would feel if I were in mom's place, but I can't, I suppose.
Like I said, this wasn't really a problem to solve, just a forum for me to get it out there....I don't like bending my husband's ear about my problems, and I don't really talk to many other people, so this forum is my tell all place! lol
Your sister is undoubtedly
Your sister is undoubtedly hurt by your mother's issue with bonding with her. No doubt there are high expectations. I gave a son up for adoption at age 16 due to my personal situation rather than any lack of desire to raise him. My mom was emotionally unavailable, the baby's father skipped, and I was in high school with no job or car. I wanted to keep him, but it would not have been fair to him. He was adopted in a private adoption to some family members of close family friends, but the adoptive parents chose to have no contact. I did get small updates periodically and dreamt of the day we would be reunited and have this fairytale relationship. fast forward 19 years (2 years ago) when he finally made contact with me. We talk all the time and have had visits. My 3 daughters know the whold story, and everyone is pretty much ok with things. He is now a 21 year-old guy, AKA not much of a talker about personal things. You are very fortunate you and your sister have forged a bond. Your mother's mental state most likely plays a role in her treatment of your sister. It was extremely difficult going through life on holidays, special events and everday chores without my son. I had delusional thoughts about how everything in my life was going to be complete and perfect once we were reunited. It is an emotionally charged situation and, coupled with the mental state, it is almost easier for your mom to be disappointed with the life choices your sister has made than to deal with the pain of not having been there to guide her through life. Your mom was hurt by your sister forgetting her birthday, and maybe that is a defense mechanism to tell herself she is angry about something rather than dealing with the emotions of the reunion and resulting relationship.
Thank you for sharing that
Thank you for sharing that story....I was hoping to get some perspective from someone who had given a child up for adoption and been reunited later.....as I said I have tried to understand where my mom is coming from, but without having been in her shoes I just don't know how it feels. It has been hard for me to understand why she's so negative, but what you had to say makes sense.
Thanks for sharing yourself
Thanks for sharing yourself and your story. I am sorry that you have "lost" your mom. Your memories of her are lovely and she obviously did something very right with you! It has made all the difference in how you have fallen in love with your sister - no judgments or expectations. If there is ever a change between them, you will probably be the catalyst. In the meantime enjoy your sister!
Beth Madigan LCSW, CLC
Life and Mothering Coach
602.626.8036
www.livewithintention.org
www.lifecoachbeth.blogspot.org
My biological mom...don't
My biological mom...don't have an adoptive mother.
It can be disappointing when
It can be disappointing when relationships don't become what they could be. But, that's how it works sometimes.
It sounds to me like your Mom never got over some disappointments in her life, and lashes out from time to time. That's too bad, but it's not your sister's fault, it's something your Mom never worked out with herself. It would be nice if she stopped taking it out on people who love her. But sometimes people with this problem can only take it out on those who love them, because they know it's safe.
My sister is like this. We aren't speaking because I finally decided her behavior to me and our Mom was unacceptable, and in her view anyone who doesn't dote on her and her every whim doesn't really care about her.
In the end, the relationship between your sister and your mother is not something you can work out for them. It sounds like your Mom needs the most help, maybe for several reasons.
I can't say that I know
I can't say that I know exactly how you feel cuz I've never been through anything like this. But in reading your post there are two things that jump right out. One is you wrote the Mom you have now is not the same one of ten or fifteen years ago because she has changed so much, and two is that she's bi-polar. If this is the case then it's not really your Mom's fault either. Does that make sense? If your sister can truly understand that, maybe she wouldn't be quite so hurt by your Mom's behavior and remarks. Your Mom had to be quite a woman to give you the insight and love that you obviously have for her and your sister. If something has changed - whether it be age, bi-polar or whatever, that's not your Mom's doing.
Paz
I'm reading your post and I
I'm reading your post and I feel for you. Here are my thoughts on it. I know how much you wish they could form a bond but at the same time I wonder if it's not for the best if they don't. Not trying to be cruel but here's why I say this. Your mother (from what you have said previously) is bi-polar and has serious mental instabilities to the point of self centerness and is very critical of everyone's actions and attitudes and has an inability to face reality. Your sister upon meeting her thought that maybe she'd get a chance to know her "real" mom and embraced that but instead was faced with meeting her mom that isn't as loving and open that maybe her adoptive parents are and is probably now shunning away from her do to her negativity. It might even be a little scary for her to witness your mother's behavior (especially since bi-polar can be inherited). I hear often this statement from our counselor, "You can't make someone see you for what your really aren't. You have to hope that this person can accept you for who really are and love you for that."
I'm kind of rambling (sorry) I guess my only REAL suggestion for you to try and attempt to bring them closer is just try and keep the coorespondence with you and them as easy going as possible. Maybe point out positive things to each and avoid the negative as well. I'm really sorry for you about this. Hopefully you and your sister will remain close through this. Just because she was only looking for her mom, she got an extra bonus in finding you :).
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
Wow. Being stuck in the
Wow. Being stuck in the middle is a real burden to carry, but from what I've read, it seems like you are doing absolutely everything right. You understand your mom and have patience for her behavior b/c you've lived through it for all these years...that in itself is a huge feat, as most people in your situation, without purposefully doing so, have resentment and trouble coping with this kind of "abandondment". You are a special person to have the insight to truly understand your mom and her struggles.
Although your sister and mom's relationship is not going perfectly, the true blessing in all of this is that you have been given the opportunity to have a sister in your life. Even if your mom feels jealously or resentment, it is the gift you were given and you should continue to let that relationship blossom and flourish. Maybe somewhere down the road your mom will realize that she's been handling it all wrong, and come to her senses.
Wow, that sounds incredibly
Wow, that sounds incredibly frustrating. It probably is hard for them to find some middle ground. It seems you have a hard time finding a middle ground with your mother also and you have the long history with her. Which probably makes it easier for you to understand her. Your sister doesn’t have that and sees things from a completely different angle. Also she never had any kind of nurturing relationship w/ your mother. Just now as she is being critical and suffering from mental illness. Very tough. My best suggestion is that if you choose a relationship w/ both of them (as you already have) keep them separate, don’t let them put you in the middle. As much as it hurts you, you’ll have to let them work it out or not. In the mean time if you mom is incapable of maintaining a relationship w/ your sister (which may be for the best considering you mothers condition), at least you and your sister have a good relationship and that is what should matter right now.
Good luck.
Mother of 2 beautiful girls!