If you have a fight with your in-laws whos job is it to deal with the problem? I think the problem/conflict should be handled by the child of the parents that are causing the conflict... At least I think I heard that once. My husband is an only child and he thinks that if you have a problem with my parents then you need to tell them.. Sort of like "your the one with the problem, if something bothers you then you deal with it"... I think it should be him. If it was my parents I would handle them.. What do ya'll do?????????
Elizabeth is a discussion leader for arizonamoms she writes about everything from her needing mommy advice to crazy and silly stuff that happens. She lives in the West Valley with her husband and 3 children.
I agree with you, but since
I agree with you, but since my husband is reluctant to say anything to his parents, I have to.
" just my Opinion" LOL
I think, to a certain
I think, to a certain extent, it depends on what kind of conflict you're talking about. My Mom and my honey have a great relationship, and I know that they talk about everything (more than I do with my Mom), but my honey's Mom would just as soon I crawl back under the rock that I crawled out from under.
That, in itself, is enough stress for my honey. There's no point in trying to defend me, so why bother? When I'm asked to show up for a holiday meal, I do it, and bring my best manners.
Unless your in-laws are disrespecting the rules you've set for your children, your best strategy is to not fight. (If they do disrespect, just let them know that, unless they'll support your rules, they won't be spending unsupervised time with the kids).
You didn't marry them. The only control they have to make you miserable is whatever control you give them. Once you are able to show them that you're completely oblivious to their attempts to cause problems, they'll stop.
If it gets really stupid, let me know. I bet my Mom would be happy to talk to you.
It's his job to deal with
It's his job to deal with his parents just as it's your job to deal with your parents.
Forcing you or him to deal with each other's parents when a problem arises is more likely to make the in-laws like you (or him) less and see you as a trouble maker. If he deals with them and presents his argument as a problem that you are BOTH having with them thereby presenting you as a united front rather than them thinking of you as "the harpie our son married". KWIM?
It is better to be hated for what you are, than to be loved for what you are not.
I think that you both need
I think that you both need to handle it together. If he tried, it will look like you're griping about them behind their back. If you go alone, then it'll look like you dh's not backing you up. You want to take the high road, act the most mature and adult. When you talk to them, express how much you care about them and value their input and that you want to resolve any misunderstanding. Face to face, they'll have a hard time "fighting" if you don't fight back. And theyr'll have a hard time complaining about you to dh, since you proved lofty intentions.
"Only a life lived for others, is the life worthwhile" - Albert Einstein
He should deal with it - at
He should deal with it - at least initially. You inlaws will ask him if it's you who has the problem, and he'll tell them the truth - I'm sure.
I've tried dealing with it myself in a nice roundabout way (particularly about toy gifts), but it didn't seem to work. So I've had mine talk to his parents about all the toys they give my kids - they've been better since then.
Other things haven't gotten too serious...I just try ignoring our differences since we don't see each other that often.
Beening that i've been there
Beening that i've been there i think that it should be my husband to say something after all they are his parents..
Mrs.Duran
It should be the child of
It should be the child of the parents, but it may depend on which one has the best relationship and feels like they can bring up tough topics too. I am more talkative, so I feel comfortable saying something in a joking way. I thinks its just normal that we take up for our own mom and dads behaviour, but it depends on how bad the problem is too. Some things, you just can't allow.
If its a major problem, we'd discuss it and decide how we would go about talking to the family.
One Happy Mom in Arizona.
I think since they are his
I think since they are his parents he should deal with them, but most men try to wiggle out of stuff like that.
I usually try to weigh the importance of the problem against the amount of fallout & grief I'll have to deal with if I say something....and it's usually easier to just keep my mouth shut and stew about it.
My husband knows he has to
My husband knows he has to deal with it, because he knows I'm not shy about telling anyone how I feel about what may be going on.
I always deal with my parents when we have an issue, so it's only fair that he deal with his mom or sister when we have an issue, which is rarely.
It is better to be hated for what you are, than to be loved for what you are not.
Well...... this is a loaded
Well...... this is a loaded question for me because I've just divorced my husband for this very reason after being together for 21 years. When his parents treated me like absolute (inappropriate term) (actually worse than), with 0 respect, for years and years and he did nothing to stand up for me, it became the deal breaker.
Your husband's being lazy. I can say this as his older cousin-in-law :) Get him to get involved asap. Don't let it fester. If he refuses, get him on the phone w/ me and I'll set him straight......
DesertMom
http://ppdsurvivor.blogspot.com
i too think your husband
i too think your husband should handle his parents and you should handle your parents. Or you can handle them together to show a united front.
Of course it also depends on the situation and how close you are with our in-laws. If you are very close with them (or one of them) and feel comfortable doing it and your husband is comfortable with you handling it...then go for it.
The recipe for perpetual ignorance is: be satisfied with your opinions and content with your knowledge.
~ Elbert Hubbard (1856 - 1915)
I never even talk to my
I never even talk to my in-laws. We are on the other side of the country from either set of parents, and it is my job to deal with my parents and his job to deal with his. I generally exchange pleasantries with my in-laws before I hand the phone to my husband. I don't even know their phone number. My husband never talks to my parents either, and doesn't know their phone number.
At family gatherings, we are pleasant with each other, and I think they are nice people, I don't dislike them in any way. And they like me just fine too. But neither side tries to push the relationship. It's nice.
I never considered it part of my "job" to deal with the in-laws. My brother's first wife used to call up my Mom to complain about things my brother would or would not do. Normal spouse stuff, not taking out the trash, doing little annoying things like that, not major issues. It drove my mother crazy, she finally told her once, "why are you telling me this, shouldn't you be talking to Jeff about this stuff?" So I guess I never thought that type of relationship with the in-laws was appropriate.
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