I I am posting this to get things off my chest and to get an outside perspective. I will try to keep things as short as possible but would like to know if I am being unreasonable or if I have a leg to stand on. Here goes:
At the same time I had my baby (one year ago), my mother-in-law retired from her job. My husband and her made a deal to have her care for our baby while I returned to work three days a week. She lives in the West valley and we live in the East valley and she was originally supposed to sell her house and move closer to us so she could babysit. With the housing market dwindling, she refused to sell (I can’t blame her) and has opted to drive out on Sunday evenings and stay at our home through Wednesday nights. She has been “living” with us part-time for the past year. I realize this is a huge inconvenience on her part as well.
This arrangement was supposed to be temporary, but months go by and I don’t see an end in sight. Having her in our home and so involved in our lives is beginning to drive me crazy. She does her best to stay out of our way and she helps out around the house even more than expected (she does laundry, irons, etc.) I know most people would ask what I could have a problem with, but I can’t help but feel like my personal space is invaded. I dread the days she comes over and feel resentment that she and my husband made this arrangement without me fully being comfortable with it.
I am a very laid-back, easy-going person (except in this case) and her personality is very high-strung. I am constantly feeling like she is trying to control how our daughter is raised and she always thinks she knows best and her way is the right way. When she is at our home, I never feel comfortable and I feel like it is causing distance between my husband and I. She has oftentimes says things like “Our little girl” when referring to my daughter and that drives me nuts! She is a wonderful grandmother but I feel she is not “her” little girl and it bothers me. If I brought this up to my husband, he would think I am being ridiculous and overreacting. I know a lot of my feelings are petty and selfish, but I just want raising our daughter to be between him and I.
I realize having a grandmother available to babysit is the ideal situation and I would not choose a stranger over her grandmother who loves her more than anything. I also don’t want to take the time spent together away from either of them. I just don’t feel that having her live in our home and be there all day is healthy for me and is a huge stress. I don’t know how to make my husband understand without cause a big problem in our marriage. I feel like my hands are tied, but am very unhappy with the situation. Anyone have a fresh perspective? I know a lot of people are going to think I'm crazy and that I have it very good.
Are you able to have a sit
Are you able to have a sit down conversation with your husband and just tell him what you told us? No accusing. No whining. No bickering. Just "honey, I know this sounds bad, but I need us to work together to solve the problem." You could mention that although you are usually very laid back, it has surprised even you that you feel so adamantly about your parenting. And be clear that you are grateful for the help and thus reluctant to complain. If you can make it clear that you have been seriously thinking about this and are truly trying to be level-headed, it may help him to realize what an impact this has had on you.
Have you talked to you
Have you talked to you husband about this at all? I agree he is the first person you need to talk too.
Jennifer is a discussion leader for arizonamoms.com and mommy to four beautiful girls who range from 9 to 4 years of age.
I agree completely with
I agree completely with Momtimesfour. She has really great ideas. I think you have a valid point for being resentful, but you are also thankful that she is watching your daughter so it's not like you are totally against your MIL. Your hubby should understand your concers.
On a side note, the picture you have of your daugther on your post is GORGEOUS! She is such a doll. I have seen some pretty little girls in my day, but she takes the cake-- hands down!
♥ "LIFE AIN'T ALWAYS BEAUTIFUL, BUT IT'S A BEAUTIFUL RIDE" ♥--Gary Alan
I can sympathize, yet at the
I can sympathize, yet at the same time I am a little envious. I have never had anyone wipe a counter at our house besides myself, I can't even imagine another person besides me doing a load of laundry.
On the other hand, if my MIL lived here full-time, I think I might shoot myself.
Have you tried talking to her, gently, about this...just you and her going out to lunch? She sounds reasonable, she just probably doesn't know what bothers you if you don't say anything. If she were a huge affront to your family, (like coming over and getting drunk at night or something like that), then I could understand that your husband would need to stand up to her...but this seems like something that you could work out by talking to her...and letting her know what you do and don't feel comfortable with.
When she says 'our little girl' she is absolutely saying it out of love. She feels very useful and loved at your house and being with your daughter. It doesn't sound like she's trying to take away the fact that you're her mother, (unless she's taking her for haircuts without telling you, buying her over-the-top presents that she knows you wouldn't approve of).
I think a gentle sit-down talk, away from the rest of the family at a nice lunch or dinner would help a lot. Otherwise, how is she going to know how you feel?
Thank you for the response.
Thank you for the response. To answer some of your questions, yes, my husband is pretty aware of my feelings. We've had a few situations come up and discussions about my feelings and for the most part, he understands somewhat but still feels there is no alternative and that these are my issues to deal with.
As for discussing things with his mom, I think she is pretty aware of things and talking to her would not change her. She is trying to be as out of our way as possible, but for her, she still can't help it. It's just her personality.
The more I think about it, I know that the issue is my perception and reaction to the situation. I don't like someone else in my house moving my things around and offering me advice about raising my child. I just want to be able to live in our home without anyone else involved in our everyday lives. Again, I know there are so many of you out there who think I am being a spoiled brat, but I can't help my feelings. Can anyone relate or should I just keep it inside and deal the best I can? One week things are great and the next I am so sick about the situation.
I wouldn't say keep things
I wouldn't say keep things inside at all. If she is already aware of how you feel, you may have to get more pointed (but not nasty) with her. I have a relative whose way is the right way and you have to be 'right back at her' or she'll wear you down with all her requirements/opinions...
(example:
She met us back East at Jeepers and she said: "Oh, this is like Chuck E. Cheese." I said, 'yes.' She said: "I never cared for Chuck E. Cheese." That kind of thing).
The phrase to repeat is: "That sounds great, mom, but we're going to try it our way."...saying it with a smile.
If you've been silent up 'till now, no wonder it's bothering you. You have to speak up and you can do it with a smile on your face. I think once you start asserting your own opinion to her, she will come to understand. It may take a while for her to get used to it and she might fight to get it back to the way it was, (i.e. she tells you what you think and you don't say anything. To a lot of people, silence = compliance).
That said, it can't be just you and your husband raising her if your mom is babysitting 3 days a week. You have 'employed' her and she is raising your daughter 3 days a week, while you are at work. That is part of the deal you made. The only other alternative to that is staying home to raise your daughter yourself full-time, making there be no need for your MIL to stay with you.
< Good! A lot of people just
<
Good! A lot of people just stuff their feelings until they blow up all over their spouse ... and that just gets ugly. Have you been married long? On the one hand, yes these are your issues. On the other hand, this is HIS mother and he is YOUR husband. Like it or not, he does need to be your buffer. But honestly this takes time to develop. He says there's no alternative (and that may be absolutely a correct assessment) but at issue is how to make this situation better, not completely chuck it. Maybe if you make that your emphasis, he could apply some problem-solving skills more effectively.
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She may be aware... but keep those lines of communication open as much as you can.
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Your feelings are valid! I can totally relate! My hair stands up on end when I get parenting advice from my MIL sometimes - the constant comparison to her upbringing of her kids gets v.e.r.y. old and it's all I can do to bite my tongue. But, like you, I was grateful for the childcare that first year of my oldest son's life. So... should you keep it to yourself? You do need to be able to vent in a safe environment at times and get a fresh perspective. Just try to put as positive a spin as possible on the situation - look for the silver lining.
Wow, I can see how this
Wow, I can see how this would be a difficulty situation. It certainly sounds like she is a loving grandmother and that you appreciate her watching your daughter, but it would certainly be difficult to have her there 24/7 four days a week, especially when initial plans got altered. It is so difficult to share your house in that manner, I know because we have done it many times, but if she is a positive care giver which it sounds like she is, you will truly appreciate that even more in the future.
My mother watched our kids when they were little. It did not start out that way. I had a babysitter that I was paying for while I worked and soon my mother started picking up my daughter each day shortly after I dropped her off at the sitters. No one could care for her like she could was her reasoning and so she soon took over when I worked 3 days a week. It was difficult at times, esp. when she would tell other people how much she was sacrificing to watch the kids (which she insisted on doing). There were times when she would do things that drove me up the wall, but in the end we had some other experiences with care givers that always led me back to the realization that she cared so deeply for the kids and really was the best caregiver I could of asked for when my husband and I could not be there.
I know it is different with a MIL than a mother, and she did not live with us at the time, but one thing to keep in mind is the piece of mind hopefully that she gives you when watching your daughter. It truly is priceless to completely know the person caring for your child.
That being said I do think you need some ground rules and to talk with your husband about your feelings. It is best to get these feelings resolved because if they keep festering the situation will only get worse. See if by writing down all the pros and cons you can not work out some things to help alleviate the stress a bit. Make sure you are making time for you and your husband as well. It is so important to get out together and we always found it best when my mom watched the kids during the day not to use her for nighttime babysitting as well. Good luck.
JuneSlager is a discussion leader for arizonamoms.com, raising three children (ages 15, 14, & 11) in Northeast Phoenix.
I don't think you are crazy.
I don't think you are crazy. We shared a huge house with my MIL when I was pregnant with my 2nd, and I don't think any of us were ever really happy with the arrangment, when we really all thought we should have been.
You've made a commitment to each other, though, so think about how you can follow through to the satisfaction of everyone involved. Definitely broach the subject with your husband, but in a way that doesn't attack your MIL. Maybe express that you just feel you want more "alone' time with him and your daughter. How about suggesting a date night on one of the nights your MIL is there? That will at least get you out of the house with him, and give you a break from being around her. Also, how about bringing up the possibility of an "end date" to this arrangement. Say, "It's been great having her here, but can we agree that we take over full time care of our baby by Christmas?" so that you know that the end is coming and MIL doesn't get too comfy and start redecorating.
It's nice to have a grandma babysit, but it has to work for everyone, and a live in arrangment is really a toughie to swallow unless its just entirely economically necessary for survival of the family. If she can swing it on her own, maybe she should be encouraged to rent out her home and find her own place, or get a little more independence, whatever her situation is. Maybe she is lonely for companionship....there could be a lot else going on there...
hang in there!
Susan is mom to Alexander, Isabel, David and stepmom to Eric. Make sure your email address is current, we'll be giving out great prizes DAILY in September after our site makeover! Don't miss out!
I contend that although we
I contend that although we understand exactly where you are coming from and get exactly what you mean (as mothers, we need that intimate time with just our husband and baby), your husband will not! He'll sort of get it, but his head will be filled with the normal internal "noise" of conversation and human interactions and in this case, it'll be centered around his history with this caring, giving women who is his mom! Men don't do well with sorting out complicated, conflicting emotions. He'll see an unhappy wife and want to "fix it". But, in fixing it, he risks upsetting his mother. You will stick him right inside a giant can of worms, from which YOU will never regain your reputation. I URGE YOU YOU SAY NOTHING!
You have very likely, little to gain and MUCH to lose. Figure out a way to cope with this situation, until you have a legitimate (non personal, non emotional) reason to change it (i.e. your daughter needs preschool or your daycare needs change). Jog...do Yoga...vent to friends...vent here...just don't "dump" (for lack of a better word) you conflicting feelings on your husband or your mother-in-law. She's providing an enormous help to you, which you see. There is no way anyone else in this situation will see things from your point of view. They may try, but they will not be able to. YOU will be seen in all sorts of negative ways. We ALL have to deal with anoying situations with family. It's part of being in a family.
I feel for you. My husband's good friend (Air Force buddy from germany - tight friendship) planned to move to AZ when I was pregnant with our first. He planned to stay with us for a few weeks while he got settled, but he had a job lined up and an apartment, etc. Well, I was hospitalized with preterm labor and stuck on bed rest. My husband's dad had a stroke two weeks later. My husband and I were stressed with worry over dad and the baby (and my husband worried about me too). We called his friend and explained all that was going on and asked him how things were going and how long he'd be staying with us. He said, "two weeks - tops". Well, dad had a few more mini strokes and an angioplasty, I had the baby a month early and "Mark" arrived. I was nursing and recovering from a c-section. The baby had reflux (undiagnosed). I wanted so badly to have just "my family" around me. I hated having to "cover up, while nursing every time this stranger walked into the room. I longed to be alone with my husband and my baby. TWO MONTHS later Mark was still there and my maternity leave was over. I was cleaning the extra bathroom (from this jerk), so that I could shower in there for work, and not wake my husband and baby (who worked evenings to avoid daycare). I was about to explode with repressed feelings. I said something to husband. He fixed it. Mark was offended and left. My husband and Mark have never spoken again.
I realize that this is an extreme example and that Mark was a jerk. But, the principles are the same. You will put your husband in an impossible situation. I'd rather see you talk to your mother-in-law about making your own mistakes and loving finding your own way with your daughter, etc. But, ultimately, since she is so helpful, and connected with your daughter, you'd be better off dealing with these feelings on your own.
"Only a life lived for others, is the life worthwhile" - Albert Einstein
I think you should take
I think you should take Thursday through Sunday and make that quality family time for you, hubby and baby. Then make Sunday night through Thursday morning more about "you" time. Go to the gym, go out with girlfriends, go on dates with your husband. Even have a date night with your daughter (much earlier of course) and give your husband and his mommy some quality alone time - you may find him a little more sympathetic to your feelings after a while.
My mom use to live with us
My mom use to live with us for 2 years. The story sounds just like ours, but reversed. It was my mom instead of my husbands.
My mom is everything and she is the only person that we could ever depend on if we needed anything. We were the only ones she could depend on to help her also.
It is an ackward situation because a mom just likes to remind us how to do things, which it would bug me too.
She moved back to Texas and I miss her tremendously now.
Living with anyone other than your spouse can be difficult.
My husband's brother lived with us and it did cause problems because he would keep us all down smothered with his problems. My mother was a professional, smart, and brought a lot of good values into our home, so it was different. She helped with the baby and I knew I could depend on her to assist in any way.
Your husband probably feels the same way I did. I would do anything for my mom and if she needed to live with us again, the doors are open and she knows it.
My husband felt like you, but he also understood that I only have my mom to rely on and he only has one sister to rely on. I would fight tooth and nail for my mom. It wasn't like my mom brought us down with her problems. We were all working together and helping each other out.
I wish the best for you and hope that you can come up with a way to deal with it, or minimize the days she stays in your home.
I can relate to your husband because I felt torn between the 2 people that I loved the most.
One Happy Mom in Arizona.
You are not crazy or
You are not crazy or spoiled, you just feel that you have no say so in your daughters upbringing when your MIL is around. I agree with everyone, but mostly agree with use the time that she is there for some YOU time!!! You will be so happy in the long run. I have had 3 people watch my little man in 5 1/2 years and I am always begging for some Me time. No dishes, clothes or house to care for just Me has not happened. Now that he is in school I have lots of me time, I still have not really scrubed house yet, still enjoying my time.
Talk to her and she what she is feeling. maybe you both can come to agreement on what is being done.
Good luck and keep your chin held high... This too shall pass
A Loving Mother and Wife, Mommy to Huntier which is 5 years old!!!
All I can say is I wish you
All I can say is I wish you all the luck!!
Single mom in Mesa to two great kids (8 & 10) and two great adults (18 & 20)