Tell Me The Truth

Honestly, I wouldn't say a thing. They are doing something sweet, whether or not you see it. Many older people live on limited income and maybe the "junk" that they send is all they can afford. And even if it isn't, they may come from a background where it is smart to be frugal. The point is that they are sending a gesture of caring and you are critiquing it as though it is not enough. I'm sorry, but you just don't get to do that. Maybe they see that a baby wouldn't appreciate a care package. Maybe, they are choosing to wait until the baby is older, so that they gesture is sent to the child. If they sent it now, it would be more of a gesture for the mother. Frankly, my MIL could sent a piece of junk and my kids would think that it was a treasure, because I'd be sure to go on and on about how thoughtful it was for her to think of them. As moms, it's sometimes our responsibility to help our kids see people in the best possible light. It teaches tolerance of others and compassion. I think that the only thing to do would be to, maybe, mention in a call how much you love getting cards for the baby because you're working on a baby album and it's coming along nicely! Take any gesture from others with appreciation.

"Only a life lived for others, is the life worthwhile" - Albert Einstein

I have to agree. Let it go it's just not worth getting all worked up about it. In time you will see that they will send the little one her very own "junk box".
My dad sent my 11 year old (8 at the time) a carefully packaged rock. Yes a rock he found liked and though his grandaughter would like. I saw a rock she saw a treasure.
Don't sweat the small stuff.

I have to agree with the others. I really sympathize with you, havig the same issues in MY own family. However, it's for the best that you take the high road. If anything, CASUALLY mention that you're working on the baby book and would they like to contribute anything and leave it at that.

I think you should have your husband say something. He could mention that he was looking at the baby books and noticed no cards for his second child from them. Maybe they just didn't realize it he could say. Then leave it at that and see what happens. I wouldn't be able to leave it alone. That is just me.

KarilouMomof2 is a discussion leader for arizonamoms.com living in Tempe. Her daughters are 9 and 6.

Thank you all for the comments.

You sound like a wonderful, caring mommy. But, many people, and possibly your in-laws, only live the way they were raised. If they did not have grandparents they probably don't know all the ways a grandparent can interact with a grandchild. You might consider sending them a letter letting them know that you are a scrapbooker and that your second daughter's scrapbook is painfully blank on the pages with cards from her grandparents. Maybe mention that your first daughter's scrapbook is pretty full with cards from them, but that you don't want your second daughter to discover discrepancies before she is old enough to realize that. Maybe pull a little on their heart strings and say how much your second daughter will feel hurt if she discovers this. But then, if nothing comes of it, just forget about it and try to put other more intriguing things of fun things done on the pages that would have been like her sister's.

kdmason

if it is that big of an issue, then have your husband call them. as soon as the baby is older and they spend some time with her they might change. just as long as she gets love form you is enough. i would rather they not acknowledge anything than be mean to her but then again she really is not aware of the difference in treatment just yet.

I don't want to rub salt in the wound, but I would like to offer a different way of looking at things. Nothing can be more hurtful than strained or difficult family relationships.

I have had older relatives that preferred to go with "the less said, the better". It's frustrating, because we want to get it all out on the table, and have some closure. It won't happen. Trying to make it happen will just make things worse.

Following are just a few things I've been challenged to do (and strategies that I've found helpful):

First, I think that, if you can find a way to let go of whatever's happened in the past, you'll be happier for it. Write them a letter telling them everything that's on your mind and heart -- and then rip it up. Do it over and over until you're sick of talking about it.

Second, remember that the reason in-laws are so funny in TV sitcoms is that we can identify with the daughter- or son-in-law (we often identify with the son or daughter as well). You want them to be the ideal grandparents -- whatever that means. Ideal grandparents don't exist, any more than ideal spouses, parents, children, siblings, cousins, or aunts and uncles do. You can either fill your lives and your special occasions with all these imperfect people, or you can discover that you've never actually used the extra leaves in your dining room table.

Third, it's a good thing for a child to have a relationship with a grandparent, even if the grandparent is kind of weird. Anna is big enough to write letters -- and thank you notes -- to her grandparents. Encourage her to do that on a fairly regular schedule; let her take photos to send along. Suggest she share news of Georgia, including what she thinks Georgia likes and doesn't like. Teach her to ask questions like "did you have Girl Scouts when you were a girl?" and "do you have a recipe for gingerbread that I could make with my Mom?" Give Georgia a piece of paper and a crayon, and let her scribble out a picture/letter to stick in the envelope (be sure to label it).

How often do we look at our own baby books? They're great mementos for adults, but, most of the stuff in there are things that happened before we had any capacity to remember anything. Unless you point it out, Georgia isn't going to notice who didn't send a card.

Finally, probably the best way to gain a healthier perspective is to stop (at least for awhile) thinking of these people as your MIL and FIL. Try referring to them -- even in your head -- as your girls' grandparents and/or your husband's parents. If you can take yourself out of the equation, you'll find that whatever they do, you don't feel it quite so personally.

I do disagree with posters who suggest that your husband bring up these issues. Even if he does try, he's in a lose-lose position. He's not responsible for how his parents behave, and it's not fair to ask him to draw lines between his love, his daughters, and his parents. If he tried, it would just get worse.

I really do think you shouls bring it up. I understand that other peolpe are responding saying to drop it and atleast one kid is getting things. But I didnt have a situation like this, I was the situation. And let me tell you as a mother now I would never let that happen like my mother did. My younger sister got anything she wanted from our grandmother and I didnt even HEAR a happy birthday. Its not fair to either of them, one is getting gifts really she doesnt need junk/makeup at 6 years old and the other one gets nothing. If that box is all they can afford then that box should be slpit in half for both girls. If you dont want to say anything your husband should.