My father passed away in December of 2005. Hard to beleive it has been almost 2 years! He died of kidney failure caused by cirrhosis.....and some other complicating factors such as copd. He was an alcoholic and very abusive to both my mom and I........but he was my dad and I could not help loving him no matter how much he hurt us. I still have a hard time reconciling issues from my childhood, but you love your parents no matter what.
Our relationship was strained .................he had a lot of issues and I know he loved me, but he was a difficult person..........even so, when he died I was devastated. I felt like it was a combination of the loss of him, and the shock that someone who seemed larger than life could die.
It has gotten easier with the passing of time, but I go through period where I dream about him all the time, and it is as if during the dream I don't realize he's dead.....does anyone else dream of loved one who have died like this.......they are always set in the past,in high school or college and he and my mom were still together....and I wake up feeling like I missed the chance to really connect with him one last time, to tell him about his grandson and what a great kid he is.....I miss the way he laughed and the sound of his voice.....I see so much of him in my son. I wish things could have been different when he was alive, but you don't get that kind of perspective until it's too late.
We are suppose to learn from
We are suppose to learn from our parents mistakes and make it better for our own family.. And it seems like that is what you are doing from our past conversations... My dad passed away Oct. 2002 from lung cancer.. He was a very strong and determined man that loved my mom so much that when she died 20 yrs ago, he never remarried and raised the my 4 younger brothers and sisters.. But he was very stern and someone who had very strong morals, values and principles that he instilled in the 7 of us.. He use to say "walk to the beat of a different drummer"... Not like this world, who most walk to the same beat.. They say they are different but they arent, you will see it in their words and their actions.. I believe those words and live by them the best that i can . That would probably be why, I may make some ppl mad by my comments. But, that is their problem..
" just my Opinion"
My grandfather was an
My grandfather was an alcoholic, not abusive, but the, handsome, charming, drunk of the small midwestern town. My Mom, Aunt and Grammy had to move around a lot. Grammy had to take all sorts of difficult, dirty jobs to provide for her family. I never met him, he had died before I was born, but I wonder if my Mom, has some of the same experiences you have had and feels the same loss. I wish she'd check out the classes for Adult Children of Alcoholics. I know nothing about the class really, but thought being around others who must have shared experiences, some that others really could never truly understand, would be healing and insightful for her. Good luck finding peace. I am glad you focus on the part where you know he loved you, he was a man with a sickness, but that didn't stop his love, it may have just hidden it sometimes.
Lovemy4 is a discussion leader for North Central Phoenix, tired mother of 4 great kids and wife to one great husband.