Six-year-old Deborah would rub her mother's feet and when the woman shifted in her chair with a little groan, the girl would ask, “Are you dying today, Mom?” Not just yet, her mother would tell her.
But Barb Davies, just 47, was dying. Cancer was spreading throughout her body, and nothing more could be done about it despite the best doctors and the best treatment. The Cave Creek mother had only a short time to pass on a lifetime of mothering to Deborah and the boys, 7-year-old Thomas and 8-year-old Dominic.
Barb filled journals with advice and edicts, outlining for them what she hopes their lives would be like. She went to every school play and basketball practice, hoping to cement the memory of her there, bursting with pride. Barb helped the boys practice for their first confessions at church by pretending to be the priest so they wouldn't be nervous. And she took the kids to Nebraska for Christmas to play in the snow.
No mother should have to do what Barb had to do. Barb said goodbye to her children every night as she tucked them in, telling them how much she loves them, in case she wasn't there the next day.
I spent hours with Barb for the story I wrote on the front page of today’s Arizona Republic and on arizonacentral.com. She never complained once, not about the pain or the unfairness of it all.
Barb made her preparations to leave her children behind with amazing grace. I don't know if I could have done it as well.
Given just months to live, what would I do? I would play outside with my 8-year-old more instead of putting him off until the weekend. I'd worry less about the laundry and more about finishing the fort out back. I'd stop saying, “Not now. Maybe later.”
Barb wanted to pack her family into an RV and go to the Grand Canyon and Yosemite National Park. She never got the chance. My boy and I talk of going to Egypt one day to see the pyramids. Barb told me to take him soon.
Like all parents, Barb thought she would have a lifetime with her kids but what if you didn't? What would you do? And how would you prepare your children for life without you?
Karina Bland is raising her 9-year-old son in Tempe with a lot of love, humor and support from her friends and family. A longtime journalist covering child welfare and education issues for The Arizona Republic, she blogs about raising good kids.
this is the very reason
this is the very reason every mom should put her kids first, you never know if you are going to wake in the morning or come home from shopping ect..Those kids will have lasting memories of a mother who was there from them and put their needs before her own, she was selfless and not selfish..
I think back at my mother and she died from breast cancer at 52, she was in remisssion for 5 years, before the cancer came back full blown and she suffered in pain,, but my mom was always there for me and my sisters and brothers , there were 7 of us,, my dad put her needs and our needs first, my mom the same, they never said they needed "down time" with out us kids, we "were their life and breathe" and I love them for all they did, they had talked about what they would do when we were all older and gone from home, but it never happened,, but they never regreted it, if they couldnt take us they didnt go. so they had a love affair with each other that didnt mean leaving us kids so they could have a vacation alone,, their love consistend of them as a couple, then all of us as a family, and it is hard, very hard for me to understand parents and moms that leave there kids to spend a weekend with friends and go on vacation without their kids.. And I do listen and hear kids during the weekd that feel they are a burden,, because they her their mom say "I need a break from the kids". What admiration and respect I have for this mother who have wrote about.. I miss my own mom so much. and my dad.
" just my Opinion"
I couldn't agree with you
I couldn't agree with you more. I have three kids and the article on Barb tore me to peices. I can't imagine having to prepare the way she did. I am guilty of pushing my kids off at times, but something about that article really hit my core. I am always so worried that I had my last two children in my early 30's, with my daughter being the youngest. I worry that I won't be there for her when she has children. We take our kids everywhere we go and I am the crazy mom always saying 'stand here' so I can take pictures. My parents weren't like that, it was all about them. It's our jobs, not only as mothers, but as parents to create memories for them and give them the best possible, they didn't asked to be born, we chose to have them so we owe them the very best.
NewYearsMom
Barb's children will have so
Barb's children will have so many special memories of there mother knowing how important they will always be to her. What a feeling these kids will always feel in there heart to know how much they were loved by there mother.She will definetly be there "ANGEL" All my prayers go out to this family.
I can totally relate to
I can totally relate to Barb's scenario. 3 years ago I got sick to the point that if I wouldn't have gone to the doctor when I did very possibly I could have died from complications of something I didn't even know I had (I have diverticulits). After that, my life changed...I took my kids to movies and weekend ventures to the park, mall (we aren't rich so I did whatever I could). We painted pottery and every night I would hug and kiss my kids goodnight, tell them I loved them and be thankful that I was one of the lucky ones out there who learned a valuable lesson about taking care of my health. Whether or not your are sick, knowing you are going to die or it happening suddenly, every parent out there should make the most out of being a parent and spending time (quality) with their kids. Today wasn't much, but tonight when I ask my daughter how her day was she'll tell me thanks for taking her to the mall to play, and then McDonald's for lunch and I love that!
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
I can totally relate to
I can totally relate to Barb's scenario. 3 years ago I got sick to the point that if I wouldn't have gone to the doctor when I did very possibly I could have died from complications of something I didn't even know I had (I have diverticulits). After that, my life changed...I took my kids to movies and weekend ventures to the park, mall (we aren't rich so I did whatever I could). We painted pottery and every night I would hug and kiss my kids goodnight, tell them I loved them and be thankful that I was one of the lucky ones out there who learned a valuable lesson about taking care of my health. Whether or not your are sick, knowing you are going to die or it happening suddenly, every parent out there should make the most out of being a parent and spending time (quality) with their kids. Today wasn't much, but tonight when I ask my daughter how her day was she'll tell me thanks for taking her to the mall to play, and then McDonald's for lunch and I love that!
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
I can relate to Barb, I too
I can relate to Barb, I too have terminal cancer. I have 3 children,and I struggle everyday, but I will fight to the end. its so hard because you don't feel well, and you still must be there for your children.
The hardest thing of all is to look at your children and know you will not always be here for them.
Life can change so fast,do things that matter,don't worry about the things that don't.
I am so sorry to hear that.
I am so sorry to hear that. My prayers will be with you.
My faith is such that I have
My faith is such that I have never been afraid of dying - but everything changes when you have kids. There is a certain sigh of relief that comes when you realize your kids are old enough to remember you if the unfortunate happens.
sure, fine, whatever
The Tim McGraw song with the
The Tim McGraw song with the verse, "I hope you get the chance to live like you were dying" I guess is the same idea. Now is what you have.
I've kept a journal for my kids, special days and memories, so they know time with them was special to me, things they won't remember - how beautiful my oldest looked one day while we were having lunch on the patio of a Burger King, the sun was in her 3 year old hair and we were talking about superheros (Wonder woman was the prize). And I just wanted that moment to freeze in time. Or my concerns about them making good decisions, as I'd just read about thus and so, and hope they know they have better options than that person, and how much I love them.... I only write once or twice a month, but it gives me solice to know IF something happened to me, at least those words and memories could still be with them.
God bless all of you who are preparing with knowledge that now is the time you have and you aren't getting more.
Lovemy4 is a discussion leader for North Central Phoenix, tired mother of 4 great kids and wife to one great husband.
I think that is a very sweet
I think that is a very sweet idea. I gave something similar to my mom a while back, about the time I found out I was pregnant.....I suppose I felt in a lot of ways I didn't really know her, so I wanted to see some of her responses and gain some more insight into who she was. She never wrote anything in it, but she still has it so maybe someday she will.
I think I should probably get one for myself....my son and I are very close, but I would like to save it for him so after I am gone he can have some things in my own words to better explain what I was thinking and what my hopes and dreams were for him. I hope he will always know how very much I love him.