I have two sister's one older, one younger and there has always been SOOO much drama and sibling rivalry for as long as I can remember.. I think it's my parent's fault because also for as long as I can remember they have always joked that they have "three ONLY children" but over the years as MY little family unit grows and I become busier and busier with our family life and my three children I don't have time to deal with all the sisterly mess that goes along with having sisters. I certainly have time for the good, but I don't want to deal with the she said, she said (inappropriate term) that always happens in my family. My husbands an only child so for one he doesn't understand why everyone in my family is always in everyone else's business anyway. He for years has said "who cares and why let them bother you". So after countless confrontations with the older one I have decided I simply just don't care anymore.. I have mentally checked out.. I will love her b/c she's my sister but what she does with her life I don't care and as long as whatever she is doing is making her happy then it's her life... Same with the other one. I guess it's because my older one always gets way to involved in every little family thing that I secretly wish that is how they would be with me. But for example if they have a problem with one another and call me to vent about the other sister then I simply don't care and I don't want to know.. Same if they are fighting with my parent's about something then I just think that is between them. I love sister's and I love my parent's but I also love my life (husband and kiddos and I love my privacy and I just don't have time nor the energy to care..I think it's hard enough being a wife and mother sometimes. I am much closer to the younger one because we have more common interests and because of that I think the older one can at times feel slightly jilted. I never would mean for that to happen but it does. Sometimes because she feels this way she can create undue stress by making up info (lying) to the younger sister to get info like where maybe where the younger one went like to a club or bar and actually TELL the younger one that she spoke with me and say I said I talked to the younger one on the way home from that place just to see if in fact the younger one was at a club or bar.. It's crazy... then I will have the younger one, with whom I get along with pretty well, call and say "well, thanks a lot for saying I was hanging out at a club last night" when it was never even talked about...I simply don't have the time to deal.. So I was so proud of myself b/c since saying to myself I am check out and I don't care, I didn't really get upset. I just thought, Ok, think of the source. I told myself to forget it. I did.. I'm not writing this to vent cuz I really don;t care what I really want to know is:
Is it bad to not care anymore about this stuff if they are my sister's... I'm just cold to it all now.. Sort of numb.. Like is it being a bad sister? Because I will still enjoy fun times with them and love them and support them but if it's drama I will turn away.. I'm just to busy with my own family to get all worried about theirs.. I think that is the right way to be,,, Is that bad???
Elizabeth is a discussion leader for arizonamoms she writes about everything from her needing mommy advice to crazy and silly stuff that happens. She lives in the West Valley with her husband and 3 children.
You're not a 'bad sister'
You're not a 'bad sister' for wanting an end to the drama --- and all the stress, tension, and the energy-zapping emotions --- dealing with family can cause. And believe me, you're not alone!
Hubby is the youngest of 4 and is the only one all 3 of his siblings like and are friendly with. That means that when one is angry at another, they'll call HIM to hash it out and try to get him to take sides. For years he tried to be the 'peace maker' and build bridges and settle fights, but as you said it just got to be too much of a toll on him. We have 3 of our own now (all pre-teens and teenagers) and he just can't spend the mental energy dealing with the issues and pettiness of adults, because we've got plenty of that in our own house!
To make matters worse, we all lived within a few miles of each other back in Virginia. So we were also 'treated' to frequent surprise visits (gripe sessions) that featured long bouts of complaining, crying, and airing of grievances that dated back 20 years or more. And ours was the only house that could host family gatherings (Christmas, birthdays, etc.) because there was too much friction between the others and all were not welcome in each other's homes. Hubby was constantly 'in the middle' and overwhelmed and being pulled in different directions--- and it was making him angry and bitter, and he resented the time and energy it took away from us and our kids.
So when he was offered a job here in Arizona last year, he jumped at it --- and I kid you not it was mostly to 'escape' the family entanglements. He loves his brother and sisters, but it was just becoming too much to take and it was affecting our own kids who were old enough to start picking up on the bad vibes. Now, we talk to them a few times a week, but there is no more "call Suzy and tell her she's being selfish" or "Bob never apologized for denting my car back in 1973 when we were in High School so I'm not inviting him to Thanksgiving dinner this year" kind of nonsense. We're too busy just catching up on their kids, our kids, etc. And they do visit once in awhile --- but one at a time --- and again there's no time for drama with sight seeing and all. And when I ask hubby if he misses VA and wants to go back, his immediate answer is "not unless my family moves away!"
So don't feel bad, you're not selfish to want to exit the 'soap opera' of adult family game playing. Because you know that the longer you stay, the worse it will be on you and your kids and THEY are your prioirty now. You can still be civil to your siblings, just let them know you're done with the 'she said, she said' and the 'Elizabeth in the middle" drama. They'll be upset at first, but they need a 'wake up call' and once they've awakened, they will realize that they still love and need you and hopefully will resepct you for your decision.
And in the meantime, enjoy the peace and quiet! You've earned it!
New to AZ --- still working out the kinks!
Hey, are we related?
Hey, are we related? Kidding!!
I completely understand what you are going through. For years i felt as though i had to look out for my sisters (not sure why). The gossip, the drama, the attention seeking, etc. finally got to me. I didn't say i was "checking out", but said something along the lines of i'm done. Everyone would turn to me and complain about one another and i would get so upset that so and so treated so and so a certain way, but when i would turn around they were acting like best friends and i was the only one upset. That's when i said "i'm done".
I know that sounds simple, but it took so many years to get to that place. Now, i will listen to them, but i think it's not my problem if one of my sisters doesn't agree with what the other one does or says. It has relieved so much stress in my life and i am no longer consumed with all the drama. Sometimes all of the gossip/problems would spread outside of my immediately family and it just gets out of hand.
I thought i was alone out there feeling this way, guess i am not. I sometimes feel as though my sisters are still trying to one up each other and trying their hardest to get the attention of my parents. I on the other hand don't do that and it's amazing how different my parents treat me compared to how they treat my sisters. It's funny too when they get mad at my parents and call me to vent about it. Because the majority of the time, whatever it is they are venting about, they brought on themselves and didn't get the response or sympathy they were looking for from my parents.
just~me
OMG you are in my family!...
OMG you are in my family!... lol!!!
Elizabeth is a discussion leader for arizonamoms she writes about everything from her needing mommy advice to crazy and silly stuff that happens. She lives in the West Valley with her husband and 3 children.
Been there, done that....
Been there, done that.... My extended family always had drama and issues that they treated like the end of the world. I always managed to stay on the outskirts but was usually dragged into the middle. Once my son was born I realized that it had to stop and there was no way I was going to change the extended families behavior so my only option was to change my behavior. As I distanced myself, my husband and I grew what I call my "friend family". We surrounded ourselves with surrogot(?) family - people that my kids felt like they could rely and depend on for anything. It has been wonderful - we even have Godparents that my kids would go to if anything happened to us. I still have love for my extended family but my main concern is MY immediate family unit and I am doing what I think is best for them. Now my evening glass(es) of wine is not a necessity but a treat.
Oh, diva I am sorry to hear
Oh, diva I am sorry to hear your story....but happy to hear you have made some boundarys for yourself.
Although , I am the only child. My husband has a brother and sister to which he doesn't have a relationships with.He had tryed for years and finally he put up his hands.If I may share a bit of advice his therapist gave him, which really helped him.
He told my husband to create a bubble and in that bubble is you, wife and son.All others are on the outside of the bubble and those who respect your boundarys may enter the bubble for a time.It helps you to continue to care but to respect yourself at the same time.His brother especially has created such a black cloud, that no one speaks to him.Or I should say he won't speak to anyone.....long story.
Stay true to your feelings... :)
You can continue to be
You can continue to be supportive of someone without being an enabler. Continue to be there for them if they need you; but refuse to get involved in the drama.
You're not a bad sister at
You're not a bad sister at all. It's called growing up! And that's what you're doing! YOUR family comes first...as it should. You can listen and you can love but you're learning to "let live". It will only get better from here!
Paz
Well done Elizabeth. :-)) I
Well done Elizabeth. :-))
I think you are right not to get involved in all the petty squablles and she said/she said drama. I think you are setting a strong example for your children regarding what is important in life, how to treat others with respect and dignity, and the priority your immediate family are to you.
It can be hard to find the right way to police those boundaries and maintain a balance of being loving and supportive but not getting involved in the drama. I wish you all the best. Your husband and family deserve a mom who isnt stressed out because of her sisters arguments and games. :-)