So my husband and I bought 2 vehicles this weekend (trust me we aren't big spenders but we had to do this just because of some other current situations in our household) and I took the car we purchased to work, my husband went to work in his work vehicle and we left the truck at home. On my way home I had to go pick up my son from his dad and my husband called me and said that his dad wanted to come over and see our new truck. I said (of course) "no big deal" (I guess the truck we bought is the exact one his dad has wanted for a while). Here's where I'm a little annoyed. I told my husband that since I haven't switched over the insurance to the vehicles that I didn't want his dad to drive it he said "I understand" and I said, "I hope you don't think I'm being mean, but I don't even show you on my insurance yet" (I added him as a driver and it locked me out of making any more additional changes). So I go home last night and the truck was parked really close to a bush in the yard so when I went to move it, I noticed that something my husband specifically told me to do wasn't done so I wondered if he had let his dad drive it (my husband still thinks he can outsmart me or lie to me and won't get caught). So when I came in and was about to ask, his dad happened to be on the phone and before I even got to question it, told me "I loved driving it." I'm completely bent about this. I know I'm being a total (bad word insert) lately about these things but I don't care. It's not a control thing, it's a simple I want to see if you respect me enough to do something that I have asked you to do within reason because I have a reason. I'm just curious if something like this would bother some other wives, partner, dads or whomever out there. I feel that if my husband asked me not to do something (within reason) I wouldn't out of respect for him and our marriage. Am I wrong?
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
I understand where you're
I understand where you're coming from, but I think you're overreacting. It sounds like there are other things that have happened and this was just one more thay may have thrown you over the edge.
You are not wrong at all.
You are not wrong at all. You have every right to be mad. He is disrespecting you and your wishes. I read one of your previous posts about your camera issue. It sounds to me like your husband is seriously taking you for granted. It doesn't seem like he values you or your thoughts. I really don't have any advice to give you,as I am still a newlywed, I only have an opinion. I'm sorry you are dealing with this though. :0( I do have to say one thing....life is too short to spend it being disrespected. It seems you have addressed it before but it keeps happening. Perhaps he doesn't take you seriously because you continue to let it happen. I don't mean you are telling him. "hey honey....disrespect me today" I'm just saying...if you have addressed it and he continues to do it, there's a big issue. In my honest opinion there is no man worth being with if it means being disrespected like that. I'm not saying to walk away from your marriage, but again from previous posts, your dealing with a lot, girl! You need a few drinks. LOL. Wanna go? I'll buy. :0)
♥ "LIFE AIN'T ALWAYS BEAUTIFUL, BUT IT'S A BEAUTIFUL RIDE" ♥--Gary Alan
lol...I could surely use a
lol...I could surely use a drink lately or two or three!!! Honestly, I wish I could hit him hard upside the head lately. And you didn't hurt my feelings or upset me by your comments so don't worry about that. The worse thing is, I do speak up for myself and say WTF??? lol...
I'm ready to just give up and be done lately.
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
Hang in there......I'm sure
Hang in there......I'm sure its just another bump along the great road of life. I too would have been upset that he didn't acknowledge my wishes. I have a stubborn man as well and even though he gets on my nerves and I wish I could just toss him out sometimes, I learn to "woman" up to him and stand my ground. Think I have frightened him lately cause now my sassy side has started to show. Be strong and don't let him get to you!!
I think since the car was
I think since the car was new you didn't want there to be an insurance problem should he have gotten into an accident.
Lisa - Mom to her spunky little Scarlette
You are dead on with this
You are dead on with this comment. In fact that was exactly what and why I said, "don't let him drive the truck." The thing is I didn't have my DH on my insurance so when we bought the vehicles in both of our names, I added him on and it locked me out till it updated so I couldn't add the cars. Therefore if an accident would have happened, my insurance would have not only showed my husband being insured with them it wouldn't have shown the vehicle either.
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
Tell him tonight IN A LOVING
Tell him tonight IN A LOVING WAY exactly how you feel. Tell him softly and in a concerned manner what you are telling us. Do not accuse, threaten, etc...
Not to legitimize the "Dr"
Not to legitimize the "Dr" laura commentary, but I think that sometimes there is something to be said for picking your battles........I know you had a valid concern, but I thought that the dealership covers the insurance on new vehicles for a few days while you are in the process of adding them.....and as far as your FIL crashing the truck....wouldn't his insurance have covered that in some way? I could be wrong on both counts......but I think it may have been somewhat emasculating for your husband to have been in the position of having to tell his father that he was not allowed to take the truck for a short spin.......I am trying to imagine my husband's reaction, and I don't think he would have enjoyed that.
Sigh....it pains me to take the man's side of anything......and I don't want you to think I don't understand where you are coming from.......because I do. But - my sense is there is a huge power struggle going on here, and I wonder if your husband has a hard time accepting that his wife out earns him.....men are very sensitive to issues of respect.
I guess one way of looking at it is thank God nothing bad happened.....so let this one go and continue working on your marital issues as a whole....for your own sanity if for nothing else.
I work at a car dealership
I work at a car dealership and "No" we do not cover you for a few days. The minute you drive off the lot you are responsible.
The insurance company is responsible. The customer has 30 days to switch vehicles on their insurance depending on the situation. The customer is covered only for 30 days.The father-in-law is in some way covered by his insurance if something were to happen but at the same time because there is a different registered owner on the vehicle there could be a serious law suit depending on the outcome of the accident and how much the injured person(s) wanted to screw everyone involved.
"Friends last longer the less they are used."
You are definitely not
You are definitely not overreacting and with this and the camera issue to deal with I am surprised you have not just blown up at him. That is what I would have done by now, not that it is the most constructive thing to do, but I would have reacted much worse than you did. You are being disrespected over and over again and that is the issue that needs to be addressed first.
I do see where you're coming
I do see where you're coming from, b/c it's the concept of what he did. In addition, it does appear that there are several other things that have been going on in your life and they keep building up.....hope things get better :)
KiKaMom
He's your husband, not your
He's your husband, not your child. Did you really think he was going to tell his own father that he couldn't drive the truck because you said so? How about because there's no insurance!?! No way. Your husband needs to feel like a man in front of you AND his father. If there was an accident, I am pretty sure he would be appologizing before you could even say "told you so". And what if something did happen? Would you hold him against it forever and keep bringing it up or feel like next time he asks you not to do something, you can do it anyway? because he didn't "listen" to you? Men will never listen to you if you tell them what to do!!!
Try this: "My only concern is that we haven't fully covered the vehicle yet so it would be a huge expense if something happened to it. Please consider this if your dad wants to take it out. I trust your decision."
I'll bet he would then think about it and explain to his dad that it could be a financial risk. He feels he made the decision and doesn't feel like the kid not wanting to listen to his "mom"...he's a man.
Also, you put up another message board asking about men/boys "not listening". I have 3 boys and a husband. Yes, this is the way they are made. I gave up on "telling" them what I need done. I literally write down the chores or things I need done on 3x5 cards. They each get one. Just this weekend I wrote one to my husband:
Tighten bedroom door knob, hang picture in walkway, & install light in family room. Don't make it more than 3-4 things. This was done within an hour. I felt happy the things were done, and he was happy that I was happy and that he didn't have to hear me ask or "tell" him what to do...even thought I did in writing:).
Stop complaining and get this book TODAY! Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlesinger (not sure of last name spelling). I had a huge ah-ha moments throughout this book. I'm not stressing myself out anymore because I now know the way they think and what they want (besides sex). They are simple creatures...we ladies are the complicated ones! Promise. Read it.
lol...if only it was so
lol...if only it was so simple. Let me explain one thing because not every one on here knows me (meaning my personality)...I am that person that isn't motherly and overbearing. I tell it like it is on every occasion. I hate "babysitting" my husband because he's a freakin adult. My husband was told like this, "Please don't let your dad drive the truck because I haven't insured it yet" and my husband "Ok, I understand." Right there I thought my point has gotten across. I'm at my wits end. My husband honestly is lucky at this point that I'm a pretty patient person and have stuck around through this. And more honestly, if we weren't married, his butt would be sitting curb side lately.
Question though, this book you want me to read, isn't it written by the same Dr. Laura who told America that women are responsible for their husband's cheating???
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
It would (inappropriate
It would (inappropriate term) me off. My question would be, why did his dad need to drive your truck in the first place?
That's hilarious......I will
That's hilarious......I will try the 3 x5 card suggestion this weekend......I have one thing I would really, really like done.......will let you know how it goes.....I predict he'll just use the card as a coaster and go back to whatever he felt like doing.....lmao
WoW....on some of these
WoW....on some of these comments!!! Here's my opinion .... I totally think you have a reason to be upset/mad ... regardless of "how" you approached him about it; bottom line is he disrespected you and your trust!! You know sometimes you get caught off guard or someone will approach you about something when you're really busy or in the middle of something and you just say the first thing that comes to your mind rather than planning a well thought out explanation of what could happen as a result of the decision he makes or try and sugar coat things so that he feels like a "man" .... and as for the "stop complaining" comment someone made .... you're not complaining ... you're simply making a point ... you asked him not to do something and he turned around and did it anyway after saying he wouldn't. If it was a case of "he wouldn't feel like a man telling his father no" ... then he should have said something like sorry we don't have insurance on it yet ... he could have said something like that and it wouldn't have made him not look like a man ... as for the self help book suggestion .... everyone deals with things differently.... everyone reacts differently and I don't think it's fair to say you overreacted .... you might react to something with more frustration or worrisome than I might and vice versa but that's what makes everyone their own individual ... if we all reacted to things the same way it would be a pretty boring world!! You're completely entitled to feel the way you want to ...
Thank you for your comment.
Thank you for your comment. I will say I didn't yell at my husband or hit him upside the head either. I have noticed lately that I seem to "tell him what to do a lot" but on a defense side, I can't stand when I have a reason behind something, someone knows it and then turns around and completely disrespects me and my wishes to make them look "manly." I could care less that my husband looked less manly in front of his dad, his dad doesn't pay our bills and wouldn't pay our damages had something happened to our vehicle. His comment would have been, well I guess you shouldn't have let me drive it if it wasn't on the insurance yet. I would say that.
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
I totally agree with u!
I totally agree with u! 10000000% Did he come up with something like oh u don't like my dad or it was around the block. I don't think this is something that u should fight with him over for a couple of days though. I would definitely talk about it with him over dinner
OMG you were in my house
OMG you were in my house during the brief discussion last night - he said the it was around the block comment which led to my "over 1/2 of car accidents happen less then a mile from home" comment. Lately, I've spoke up immediately with stuff like this (you can view my other postings and see this isn't the first issue lately) last night I was so upset, I got quiet and wouldn't really talk about it at all.
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
Don't hold in in...we are
Don't hold in in...we are here for you! To the other poster who said he is your husband not your child......her husband is acting like a child, my dear.....if he's not getting the words when she speaks to him like an adult.....how else can she address it? Children have to be told things more than once, as is the issue here with her hubby.
Phxgirlkim, don't defend your personailty or your traits. They ar who you are and that's that. So what if you're overbearing and say it like it is....you are who you are, and based on your ending quote, you are who you want to be, and to me, that's beautiful! :0)
♥ "LIFE AIN'T ALWAYS BEAUTIFUL, BUT IT'S A BEAUTIFUL RIDE" ♥--Gary Alan
At the risk of sounding
At the risk of sounding cruel or 'judgmental,' I don't understand why you put up with him and these shenanigans! I've read many of your posts and you're obviously a very nice person with a good head on your shoulders and you're a loving, attentive mom to your kids, but this husband sounds like something out of a bad sitcom!
I hope it's not too presumptuous to say YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED BETTER!!!! You're right it's not the camera or the truck or the disagreements, it's his ATTITUDE. It sounds like he just says whatever he thinks will 'keep you off his back' whether or not he really means it. And trying to 'hide' stuff from you that you will obviously uncover reminds me of the stupid things my kids do --- like leaving candy wrappers and soda cans everywhere when I've told them NOT to have snacks ---- and are SOOOOOOO surprised when I figure out what they've been up to! Is it possible that he WANTS you to catch him in a petty lie? Because it really sounds like he's not trying very hard to cover his tracks.
I don't know what the long term answer is to this but one thing is sure, cooperation and mutual respect are VITAL to a sound relationship. And he is falling WAAAAAYYYY short in that department!
PS --- If you decide to 'imbibe,' I'll buy the second round!
New to AZ --- still working out the kinks!
I agree with Miriam - you
I agree with Miriam - you deserve to be treated better. Judging by this post and past posts, your husband doesn't respect you at all.
Maybe you could sit down with him and tell him, you've had enough. If he doesn't start working on changing, he gone.
jesshod is a mommy to 2 girls (ages 6 and 1) and is an arizonamoms.com discussion leader living in Surprise.
I am sorry for your troubles
I am sorry for your troubles and hope that things work out.
I agree that your husband should have honored your request, particularly since he told you that he understood. But, the other party was his dad, and wow...that's just akward for everybody...especially you because it wasn't your dad. So, I am wondering if it was more about the fact that he didn't want to say "no" to his dad rather than disrespecting your request. That doesn't make it right...it just makes it so.
My husband and I were raised in two very different types of families and there are times when their expectations have been a challege in our relationship. Families can be so political!!
Mouse_tales is a discussion leader in the East Valley for arizonamoms.com. She spends most of her days juggling her duties as a mom, wife, and business owner. Her three little kittens range in age from 4 to 13.
Where did his Dad drive the
Where did his Dad drive the car? If he took it all around town, that's one thing, but if he only took it for a little spin around your neighborhood I think it's ok. Especially because it's his Dad.
Paz
Paz would it still have been
Paz would it still have been okay if he took it for a spin around the neighborhood if he ended up wrecking it on that spin around the neighborhood?
If I were walking in your
If I were walking in your shoes, I would definitely be upset. I can totally see this type of situation happening and I am sure it was not altogether unpredictable, but at the very least your husband should be up front from the beginning and tell you truthfully what he knows he is going to do, and that is let his father drive the truck and maybe even encourage it. It would still be frustrating, but at least it would be up front and honest.
We try so hard our children to stress, if they do something wrong at least be honest about it, why would we expect any less of our spouse.
JuneSlager is a discussion leader for arizonamoms.com, raising three children (ages 15, 14, & 11) in Northeast Phoenix.
I wanted to say thanks for
I wanted to say thanks for all the comments. I am grateful that I can totally vent and complain on here lately. True justice happened last night with the truck. The dealership called and wanted $500 down (we went in with $0) and since we don't have an extra $500 laying around, I took back the truck.
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
Bummer!! Well atleast he
Bummer!! Well atleast he had his thrills for awhile!!
Another reason to minimize
Another reason to minimize interaction with car dealerships! I swear, I will never walk into another car dealership to purchase a vehicle again.....I always use my credit union's auto buying service, that way we know right up front how much we are approved for, etc, and there is none of this calling back days later asking for more money! That has never happened to us, but we have had other hassles with dealers and we are done with them and their shenanigans!
I'm trying to get in to a
I'm trying to get in to a credit union right now (through Honeywell) so this never happens again. I'm a little bummed about the thing, but at the same time, I still got the better end of the deal. My new car payment IS cheaper and I'm happier with it. So in all, it was a good thing. Oh and I agree, some dealers have WAY too many shenanigans!!! Great word!!!
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
I don't really have any
I don't really have any advice, as my husband sounds a bit like yours. I often say I have two kids: the one I gave birth two and the one I married! I've learned to pick my battles, and have learned what I will and will not tolerate. We've managed to make it through almost 14 years together, though I've many times been sorely tempted to take ye olde frying pan to the side of his head!
Just wanted to say that I appreciate your frustration, and sympathize.
Jennifer, mom to one special little boy
I had enough of my husband
I had enough of my husband not stepping up to the plate and doing the right thing..I left him a note and took a flight to my parents for a "vacation" I told him all my feelings in the note and made myself unavailable the whole trip..It gave him alot of time to think what he really wants..and lucky for me it was like coming home to a new husband, and for three years now. I also stated that i want more out of a relationship and would love it to be him..but if he cant im going to go find it.
My and your reasons are different but the same method might work...sometimes you dont know what you have until you see it gone and it comes down to making a change or loosing your family.
**Whatever it is..Wrap it up in Love and the Possibilities are Endless**