Taking children to funerals

I think a lot of it depends on the kid. I'll never forget my uncles funeral when my nephews were about 4 and 5. They went to Roman Catholic pre-school and kindergarten.

As we were walking into the Church, the older asked, "Was Uncle Martin a good and kind person?" Of course, I told him, "Yes".

He told me matter-of-factly that, "Well, then, he's in Heaven".

That was the best homily I ever heard at a funeral.

If the child can sit still and quiet, then I see no problem taking a child. My husband said when he lost his mom, the last thing he would want to hear is a crying child, because he would had lost it. If my loved ones pass away, my child will be going. I want my son attending with family. My little cousin was 7 when her dad passed away, and she had to sit through the funeral. It is nothing we want to put a child through, but I feel if its my close family, then my child will be also sitting through it. Out of respect, if the child is fussy, then I will stand outside during the service.
I assume kids can have nightmares after viewing a funeral, so it may depend also on the kids and their ages.
When my dear friend passed away, the grand-daughter age 8 did not attend. I would want my son to attend if it was his grandma. Everyone has different views on it.

One Happy Mom in Arizona.

I like to think I'm open and honest with my kids, appropriate for their age levels. Death is part of life, actually, I think it is a continuation of life on another level. I would talk with them about it and ask if they want to go to the funeral.

Ms. M

When my oldest was in kindergarten, one of her classmates died. It was horrible. I cried and cried because it is hard to imagine what those parents were going through. She did not go to the service. They did some amazing things at school so she understood and got closure.

One of my most favorite Aunts just passed away and we all went to the funeral in California. Both girls were great. They understood and we talked about it as well. The service was outside in a park and there were over 350 people. Wind in the trees and at the end a hummingbird came up to the flower arrangement at the front by a beautiful picture of my Aunt. It was amazing.

My oldest was 9 months old when my step father died and was there at the hospital when the Doctor explained to us what happened. We were in Tucson and there was no one to take her. She was great. When she was 2 1/2 and I was pregnant with my youngest, my Mother died.

I guess I didn't realize how much death she has dealt with until I wrote this. The circle of life is a lesson I think she knows well now.

So, bottom line, I would agree that it depends on the child, but see no reason for them not to go to funerals. Open caskets are not something I think they should see though. Just my thoughts on that...

KarilouMomof2 is a discussion leader for arizonamoms.com living in Tempe. Her daughters are 9 and 6.

My husbands funeral was traumatic for all of us but I believe it was good for the children to be there, participate and grieve. We were all very well supported, read story books about grief and funerals and talked about what it would be like before the day so they knew what to expect.

Like most things related to children it's all about how the parents explain things and support the child through the experience.

When my kids were young we did not take them to any funerals of people oustide the immediate family.

I agree. I think that death is a natural, necessary and unavouidable part of life. The younger kids are the more a chance you can shape their believes, so why not death included.

It's never too young to appreciate life and when someone else dies, it's an opportunity to remember that.

I have a number of friends who have hard, fast, and rigid rules about NEVER taking a child to a funeral, b/c they believe they are being a good parent to "shield them" from the occasion of such grief and sorrow.

In those emotional conversations, I find it awkward expressing how I certainly disagree with their opinion.

When our only family pet died last November (okay, I know everyone is thinking that is NOT the same, but this was horrifically tramatic for all of us)....we did a little funeral in the backyard before we buried Charlie. I bring this up b/c I learned an incredible lesson that morning. My husband and I were going to say a few little kind words to say goodbye, etc., but it was my 4 yr. old who asked if he could speak. What came out blew me away as heartfelt, full of thought, love, and mostly, reflection. He went on about what a good friend Charlie was, he thanked him for being such a good companion to his Mommy and thanked Charlie for teaching him that cats are wonderful animals. And he then said, "and you Charlie, really were wonderful and loved by all of us. We will always miss you and keep a section of our heart just for you." (and then broke down into tears). This from a child who just turned 4.
As we had walked into the backyard, I had been skeptical as to how much my young son "got it" that Charlie was dead - and if he understood what "dead" was.
Clearly he was getting it.

Because of this experience, I realize that when my 93 yr. old grandmother passes away (the kids are very close to her), I will most certainly both bring them to the service, but I will also make an effort to involve them in some small, personal way.

Sometimes I think we allow our good intentions to perhaps shield our children from too much. Sometimes, it is okay for them to see things as they are...and experience more than just "good stuff."

Happy2BMommy, is a stay-at-home mom who just turned 40 (argh!) with a 7 yr. old daughter and a 5 yr. old son, and is a discussion leader for arizonamoms.com living in Scottsdale.

Yes, children should attend funerals.

My son was three when his grandmother passed away. We had a small family graveside service. One by one we stood up in front and talked about his Nana. Without any prompting my little boy walked to the front and began to talk about his Nana. No one's eyes were dry. Nothing more needed to be said about the life of this special woman, her legacy was shown clearly in her grandson.

Parents need to talk with the children before hand about what a funeral is and what behavior is expected. Proper behavior is expected of the parents to have an easy exit should the child need to leave and to give the children something to do quietly during the funeral. Children know that something is different in their world, even though they may be very young and cannot put it into words.

If the parents are uncomfortable with bringing a child to the funeral or if the family would not approve, the child could always be brought to the vistation, which is usually less formal and would require a shorter attention span. Another option is to bring a child to the gathering after the funeral, which is definitely about being together and remembering the deceased.

I worked at a funeral home for seven years and, for me, there was always something missing when there were no children at a funeral. Children remind us that life goes on. Hardly ever was a child's behavior one that disrupted a funeral service. If a child was fussy, the parents always took the child outside. To be honest, usually the disruptive ones at funerals were the adults

arizona_mom is a stay-at-home mother of two boys, a kindergartener and a two year old. Just sharing my two cents worth. www.mops.org

I do believe to taking the children to funerals as well, as long as it is a family member or close friend. I went to my boss' father's funeral and did not take the girls. I feel they need to be expose to reality, in some sense. They do go to a private catholic school so they know about death, etc. I must say, my 8-year old taught me a few things when my grandmother (who raised me) passed away. I was a complete wreck! My 8-year was emotional too, but then wrote me to most beautiful card that I still have it says "Heaven is a cupcake with vanilla icing". She told me that my grandmother was no longer in pain, going to have dinner with others in our family that passed away and we will see her again when it's our time for eternal life in heaven. I was truly amazed how my 8-year old was giving strength when I probably should have been giving her strength. Then she told me I can't wait to see her again. That freaked me out, I'm like no time soon honey! haha. I don't think we should shield our children from some parts of reality.

There is no way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a good one!