Friends of the Opposite Sex?

No magic number of friendships with opposite sex.They are FINE as long as no "foul" things happens in between. You may know what I mean. PLAIN FRIENDS are totally fine.

But, know your limits. Yes, TRUST is very important.

If he is not your husband yet, you may try to re-evaluate your options.

Thanks!

I agree - I don't think there is a certain number one can pinpoint for a boyfriend or spouse to have when it comes to the opposite sex. I think so long as those 'friends' are truly friendships and not more then it's fine. You are so right about having open communication, there's no harm in that. It shouldn't be a big deal for either of you to tell one another if you are having lunch with a 'friend' (male or female.) I think it comes down to trust. There is no way of stopping a boyfriend and/or spouse from cheating - if they truly want to do this - they will. So, trust him unless he gives you reason not to. Have you met any of these ladies? If he is open to sharing you with them then not to worry. If it seems like he is 'hiding' you well, then another story. I know trust is hard, but it is sooo vital for a relationship to be healthy. If one cannot trust their significant other then there really isn't much of a relationship. I do hope things get better - hang in there - it will all work itself out.

LisaMommy is a discussion leader in Paradise Valley/Scottsdale area for arizonamoms.com. Her two boys are ages 5 months and 3 years old.

I think 6 to 10 is A LOT of female friendships for a man to have, even many women don't have that many.... And I'd say he shouldn't go to any without you knowing. Are they co-workers so they just grab lunch or is it something they need to plan? Either way, you should always know, in my opinion.

I have one male friend from high school I keep in touch with, we never dated, we've travelled together, I call him, or e-mail him every once in a while, but I'd never meet him for lunch without my husband knowing, and I am sure he would tell his wife. Even though it is just a time to catch up, I do think any significant other should be aware, otherwise it does seem fishy...

Lovemy4 is a discussion leader for North Central Phoenix, tired mother of 4 great kids and wife to one great husband.

I hope I am not sounding simple minded or naive.

If I can't tell my husband about someone, or he can't meet them without me feeling guilty. There is something wrong.
I had a friend who I dated years before i met my husband, however, when I started dating my husband, I cut off all contact(we had remained friends). Once my 'friend' tried emailing and stopping by my work for lunch, I told him he couldn't do that, his response was 'well we're just friends'. But, at one point we weren't, and common sense knows that my husband would not have liked him or our 'friendship'.
So I guess my logic is, if he is not introducing them or hiding you from them...something is fishy.
I once had a old high school friend contact me thru a mutual friend who had emailed both of us, we chatted and even met for lunch to catch up on old times. He's been married to his high scool sweetheart for over 17yrs, I was up front with my husband when I met my old friend for lunch. Oh, my husband teased me, but I was open with him and he was fine. That is because it was completly innocent. Am i making sense?
A Man or Woman will cheat regardless, but would they necessarily want you to meet the person they are cheating with? Not if they have any morals.

Happy Wife. Happy Mother to Ashley 11/14/87 and Izabel 11/3/06

I realize you aren't married yet, so that does make a difference, but I would be concerned about my husband having a lot of lady friends. Especially if he was going out to lunch with them or trying to contact them. Even if it's innocent now, that is opening him up to a lot of temptation. It sounds like you have some concerns too. My gut says that it may be your intuition giving you a little warning. Friends are great, but if you are a couple, then I think the other girls should be friends with the two of you as a "couple."

Hobbymommy, 38, is a discussion leader from Mesa. She is a happy stay-at-home mommy to a 3-year-old daughter and a 1-year-old son.

Here's my spin to this...I dated a guy for a while who had a few girl friends. This never bothered me until he started trying to meet more girls through different web sites, rekindle old relationships and then would ask weird questions on if it bothered me that he has so many female friends and if it would upset me if he'd spend time with one of them (that he had a previous releationship) alone. At that point I knew that I couldn't continue this relationship with this person who was either looking to make me jealous or trying to cheat on the sly and make me feel like I was a pyscho so I broke it off. If you boyfriend has lunches and dinners and other outings with these friends but is honest to you about them, you probably have nothing to worry about. Maybe you should ask if he wouldn't mind you tagging along once in a while to meet these woman friends. Whatever you feel though, you should go with your gut instinct on this. Once trust is broken it's hard to gain back.

"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."

I'm coming from this at a different perspective than a lot of people. I'm a jealous person by nature, and I'm sure it doesn't help that I was cheated on by my ex-fiance (I found out just days before the wedding) with one of his "female friends". My husband and I have been together for 13 years, and I am not comfortable with him having female friends. When we were living together and engaged, one of his female friends, whom he'd had for years, hit on him one night at a party (I wasn't there) and confessed she'd been attracted to him for a long time. When we moved here seven years ago from Chicago, he developed a friendship with a woman he worked with. It made me very uncomfortable; she was single, and she began calling him to help fix her car and that kind of thing. It may not be right, but I think that if it was a woman who was in a happy, committed relationship, it might not bother me quite so much. But when they're single, and you're getting a vibe that they have more than friendship in mind with your man, I have a real hard time with it.

I don't know that I could tolerate the situation you're in. Does your boyfriend also have a lot of male friends that he also goes to lunch/dinner with? Is he also trying to reestablish old friendships with males? Just the fact that he at one point was hiding this from you would send up a red flag for me. I'm sure you have nothing to worry about, and like I said, if he also has a lot of male friends, it's probably not a big deal. Maybe he just hid it from you because he knew it would bother you (doesn't make it "right", but sometimes we do that).

I applaud you for trying to be open minded about this. Many people would not be asking themselves the questions that you are asking yourself. They would be issuing ultimatums or picking fights. You are trying to look inside yourself to see if your feelings are right. Remember, feelings are never "right" or "wrong"; they are just feelings. However, just the fact that you are even asking the questions means that it bothers you. Whether he has 10 female friends or one female friend is almost irrelevant; the point is he has violated a trust in the past by hiding these friendships from you. That trust is tough to rebuild, and I hope your SO is sensitive to that fact. It sounds like he is, because he has agreed that he won't hide those from you again. My opinion is that you should stop focusing on the number of female friends that you will find acceptable; there won't be a magic number. Instead, focus on working with your SO to find a solution is acceptable to both of you.

I really, really appreciate all of your comments. It gives me the ability to really look into myself and think, "Am I ok with my SO spending QT with wither women? Am I ok with him have a few female friends? " The more I think about it, the more I realize that I am insecure about it so I have become more open minded. But, that doesn't mean I am going to put it on the back burner and let it boil either. :-)

"Everything will be OK in the end. If EVERYTHING is not OK, it is not the end"

The way you said excessive female friends and looking up females from 15 years ago, I think he isnt serious with you. So I went to an expert, hubby, he agrees, if he is looking up female friends from 15 years ago he isnt just that into you. sorry but thats what we think.

sara

Relationship etiquette

1. Relationship rules: MarriageBuilders.com has many great articles as references. The two rules you should follow are complete honesty/openness and mutual decision.

These rules should apply to exclusive relationships as well, although marriage is weighted more heavily.

2. Complete Honesty/Openness, no privacy, but with respect: Both needs to keep the other updated about future plans. No hiding. This doesn't mean one has the right to interfere with the other's personal private space (mails, journal, etc), ie. even though there should be no restricted areas (open access), one must respect each other's privacy.

3. Platonic friendship and trust: Legitimate platonic friendships do exist. So being friends with the opposite sex can't be forbidden. Many would raise the issue of trust as supportive argument for the spouse to have platonic friendship with the opposite sex, but as always trust is earned, not given for free. If one is insecure (as you said you might have been), then the both of you must together decide on what is appropriate (Policy of Mutual Decision).

That said, it's very difficult to be just friends with the opposite sex because there's always a male-female tension. Study showed 85% of male surveyed said someone had tried to attract them away from their mate. 50% of them said they had tried to steal a friend's mate. :-).

So to prevent this?

No touching. No frequent private lunches/dinners/movies/gifts. No emotional/physical intimacy. Always talk about your spouse when talking to the opposite sex. The friend should make an effort to meet in person the other friend's spouse. Inform your spouse about your interaction with the friend.

And if you have to choose, your spouse should always be more important, ie. drop the friend to save the relationship.

Anything other that those mentioned above is considered fishy.

Female friends for a male is fine, in my opinion, as long as he doesn't lie about it. There is no need to lie about it if they are truly friends. Also, if he had these female friends when you started dating, you have already accepted it to some extent. Talk to him about your concerns

There is no way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a good one!

Before I met my husband I had 5 guy firends that I always hung out with. They are my best firends. not catty attitude etc. The first one got married and his wife became a part of our group. When the second one started dating a girl seriously she was very uncomfortable with our friendship. She made him stop hanging out with the group if I was included. So what he had to do whas go behind her back. They eventually got engaged and he wanted all of us in the wedding party. she refused. It is sad but he called off the wedding because he said that she was already too contorlling and that is not what he thought a marriage should be. When I got married all of my guy firends were my brides men. I only had one female in my wedding party. My husband was ok with that. He knew how close we all are form the very beggining. He accepted them even if at first hey all took him aside and told him they would beat his but t if he ever hurt me. I didnt know that they did that to all the guys I dated. My husdand knows how important they are in my life. I frequently go have lunch with them and sometimes dinner, we go camping and fishing and my husband doenst alway sgo with us. sometimes he ahs to work or doesnt feel like it. All of us are married now and their wives are all ok with our relationship. I feel closer to these guys than i do my own family. I know that if i ever need anything they will come in a flash andlike wise i would do the same for them. we have been together for births deaths weddings divorces, happy times, sad times and jsut hanging out times. and we all get togehter most weekends and do stuff. Danny and I go for drives, we call adventures. we start off at some point and flip a coin to see where we are going, heads turn right , tails turn left. we stop at all the places we find interesting. our spouses are the type that like to get in the car and go go go until you get there, no stopping to see anything. John and i go fishing, hsi girlfirend and my hubby think its boring, Neal comes over some sundays and cooks us a big breakfast. sometimes we all go dancing and stay at one of the couples homes, like aslumber party for adults. we ahve a newly single member of our group and we have all been there for him. When i got my divorce form my first husband, they helped me move and someone stayed with me for a couple of months because my ex was drug crazy. and they were with me at all the court hearings. When my youngest son had asthma attacks, they were always there and shared staying in the hospital with him so i could go to work and he wouldnt be alone.