The other day I was talking to my girlfiend from out of state and we were discussing her recent divorce (She's been divorced for 1.5 years). She started confessing to me (after all this time) that the reason she divorced wasn't just because he was cheating, but because she had proof that he had invited MEN to her home to do sexually explicit things. She told me that when she confronted him about this, he said that he was abused when he was young, and was emotionally hurt by it, but still curious.
Now, my friend is concerned that her child (3 years old), might one day be at risk for sexual abuse by him. She insists that sexual abuse is a never ending cycle and that she is almost afraid to leave her child with her ex-husband. I told her that I can understand him being somewhat curious as it was a very traumatic part of his life, but I honestly don't think she would have to worry about him hurting thier child
Do any of you ladies have any advice I might be able to convey to her? I have never faced anything like this and I'm not even sure where to start!!
Thanks!
"Everything will be OK in the end. If EVERYTHING is not OK, it is not the end"
Wow, sounds like she had a
Wow, sounds like she had a lot to get off her chest. I really have no idea, but I think I'd say she needs to make sure her son knows what is proper and improper touching and that he should feel comfortable telling her anything. She should probably encourage her ex to seek counseling to deal with the abuse issues that must still linger. Being homosexual doesn't make him any more likely to abuse, but having been abused might.
I think she needs to not panic, but be aware. Good luck!
Lovemy4 is a discussion leader for North Central Phoenix, tired mother of 4 great kids and wife to one great husband.
most children are abused by
most children are abused by a close friend or family member. It's in the paper all the time. She has every right to be concerned.. She should seek help in her area, regarding this.. Why do you think most abuse go unnoticed for awhile? it's because ppl are in denial that a loved one could do this their kids.. She doesn't need to be paranoid, but she does need to be very aware.. And seek help and advice by a professional.. She herself should be checked for AIDS/HIV ect.
" just my Opinion"
I think she should keep a
I think she should keep a close eye on them. Have the talk with her kids on what is appropriate and what is not. Let them know that they are not going to get in trouble for telling on their dad (if he does do anything). Also, if she feels comfortable enough, she should bring her concerns to her ex. If they parted on good terms and they both love these kids they should be able to talk about it. She just needs to be careful on how she presents it. No "you you you" make it about her and her "crazy thoughts". As long as she's not accusing he should be level headed.
She has every right to be
She has every right to be concerned and her son is very much at risk for being abused....not because the father is homosexual, but because he was abused himself. I always cringe when I say that, becuase I guess it should apply to me since my father abused me that way.....but I can't imagine anything more repulsive and I would never violate my son that way. I guess that's why I have such strict physical boundaries.Not to be sexist, but I think it is different for men, when they are abused they are more likely to abuse. Some people just can't stop themselves from repeating old patterns.
Hi...I had mentioned in
Hi...I had mentioned in another post that I was sexually molested by my father until I was fourteen until he ended his life. What I didn't say was he was bi-sexual.
I don't feel my father sexually abused me because he was bi-sexual.I feel he abused me becuase of mental illness.
My mother knew he was abusing me and told the courts durning the divorce but because of one great lawyer and me being a slave of my fathers I wanted to live with him. Not to mention back then early 80's it still was taboo to talk about.
My father would take me to "Gay" parties.Now I wasn't the only child there ususally there was another girl there from another bi-sexual man.Her and I would play in her room.
I wouldn't dare judge another gay man/women and say they would do as my father ( parties).However I would advise your friend to know where her child is when he has their child.Until trust has been astablished.
To keep the lines of comminication open and hold nothing back.I would tell her to write down her fears and talk about it with a therapist before confronting her ex-husband and with the therapist help she will have strength to talk to him in a constuctive way.The most important subject between them should be the saftey and happiness of their child.
another thing.....pedophiles
another thing.....pedophiles never think they are hurting anyone.....they just think they are "loving" them or the child somehow seduced them and is getting equal enjoyment out of the sex......so they justify their actions and never really comprehend how harmful the behavior really is.
I'm assuming they have joint
I'm assuming they have joint custody of the child? I wonder if there's any need to return to court and seek monitored visits while your friend sorts out what is best and the most safe course of action?
Susie is a discussion leader in the east valley for arizonamoms.com. She has two sons, ages 6 and 2.
i guess i just dont get it.
i guess i just dont get it. If it was a traumatic part of his life, how can he be curious about it? Well. If she has even the tiniest thought that it could possibly happen to her child. She needs to seek help. go back to court and get monitired visits. Dont leave the baby alone with him. It may seem extreme because of a tiny thought, BUT it could possibly save this child from abuse. And the mom needs to think about that and that alone.
because that's how pedofiles
because that's how pedofiles and abuse works,, it's in the papers and research is done on it..Why do you think most male kids that come from a home of an abusive father witness this to their mothers, and then majority of them become abusive to thier girlfriends and spouses, it's a vicious cycle..
" just my Opinion"
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" just my Opinion"
I can see where you are
I can see where you are coming from by not understanding.
Her theory behind being afraid for her son is this.
It happened to him when he was a young boy. For some strange reason, he was not only traumatized by the situation, but also became fixated on it. It seems like he almost desired it (to be with another man that is). Her fear is that at some point, regardless of his sexuality, he will then become fixated on why it happened to him at such a young age, and that he will explore it for himself.
She has been extremely cautious though. She has also discussed it to a small extent with her ex husband and he states that it would NEVER happen.
I mentioned some of your suggestions and she told me that she had approached him a few times and discussed it, but not in too much detail. After telling her what everyone here has said, she is going to talk with him more in depth soon.
She says "Thank you"!!!
"Everything will be OK in the end. If EVERYTHING is not OK, it is not the end"