On the Today show they had a relationship Doc on talking about arguements with your husband.She said it is good to blow off steam.Also the arguements bring you closer.She also advise that if the arguement isn't in no shape coming to an end, then you agree to disagree.I agreed with all she said.
It seemed as if the first four years with my hubby all we did was argue.So off to therapy we went.We learned some great tools:
1) If your anger is past a five, then there is no point to carry on a discussion.
2) It is okay to say, I can't have this coversation with you right now, but follow it up with when you can.
3) Put a time limit on the talk , we will talk about this for 30 minutes , the reason is if you talk to long....eventually you talk in a circle.
4) Do not interrupt each other.Take a mental note if you need.
5) If the coverstaion is getting heated, it is okay to tell your spouse, we need to stop and we will talk about this later but again follow up with when.
6) No yelling, if you or hubby starts to yell, then the one who isn't has every right to say this coversation is over until you can talk to me calm.No one can ever understand a point that is being made when it is yelled.
7) It is so very okay to say "Well, we are going to have agree to disagree ( this is my favorite ! )
8) Mutal respect is what we are looking for, so respect each other.And always end with saying something nice to each other.
9) One more, it is okay to say " I heard what you said and I need to have sometime to process my feelings, but of course follow up again with when.
So my husband was kicked out three times durning our sessions.Eventually he caught on.He is so glad he did.We argue.....but never the way we did.We have been so much closer by using these tools.There will be arguments, no point in running it will eventually catch up to you or destroy your relationship.And make up sex is always...the best...he...he
So how do you and your hubby get through these trying times?
sometimes i ask myself. Is
sometimes i ask myself. Is this going to affect me in 10 even 5 years? And always, the answer is no. Then i know that this is just an issue we can fix now by talking not arguing, somtimes compromising and like you said. Agreeing to dis-agree.
Over the years, my hubby and
Over the years, my hubby and I have gotten "better" (more communicative) in our arguments, but he still has a tendency to pretend to kiss and make-up....then hold a grudge for many moons. Recently, he's brought up stuff we argued about during the FIRST Bush administration era. Is anyone else married to a grudge holder, and how do you handle it? (p.s. we've been in therapy and he does the same thing there!) He's a good man, but this is frustrating!
Did you say my husbands
Did you say my husbands name? Grudge holder...he..he
He isn't so much now....but back in our pretherapy and durning our therapy, oh, yes he was!
He even brought up something that I did, that was my fault and I apologized for.We talked and I thought it was old news...so I thought.So when he brought it up.....the therapist ran for cover I was mad more then ever.She talked to him and said if you already told her your over it...then you are over it! She asked how I felt and I said..pretty much like I can't trust him and what is the point of talking...if he is only going to haunt me with it again 100 years later.She agreed....it took him a bit but he got it! Are you still in therapy??
That's a huge issue for
That's a huge issue for me.....I really don't argue past a certain point, I just simmer to myself, which is bad, because I am still mad about things that happened years ago, but I don't say anything about it. I can't explain it, but I have a hard time expressing anger to him. When I try, I get flustered and I end up feeling like I'll pass out. It's so stupid, and I hate myself for being that way.
He hasn't really gotten physical, but he has a very forceful personality, and I let him steamroll me a lot. He will argue and criticize about anything and everything........when I was growing up, my father was much the same way, and my mom always told me "just don't say anything, he'll get tired and then he'll leave us alone"................so as stupid as that is it stuck with me.
I am trying to assert myself a little more, but I have done a terrible job so far.
Hi Katy.... I was like that
Hi Katy....
I was like that too.....if I may be so bold to say it is from our abusive childhood.I was the queen of not wanting conflict!
Then I met hubby who welcomed conflict....at one point I thought it was a cruel joke, like what the heck did I do....
I would often agree...leave rolling my eyes....and I hate to admit this often would throw things in his direction....because I just couldn't find the words.
Then after one huge screaming match...and me walking the streets in the middle of the night, this is before our son joined our lives....my husband was in the car begging me to get in...finally I gave in.After that I stopped....and I let him know we are going to therapy, this is nuts! Like I said he was asked to leave three times....he knows it all ( so he thought )....well that is great if you want to be alone for the rest of your life.Since there is two of us we are going to have to compromise.Don't hate yourself for being this way...as you said you are going through therapy and through this you will find your voice.It may be a shock to your hubby, but after a while he may respect you in a way you never thought of.My hubby has told me he respects me because I don't cave in.Keep up the good work Katy...you are a strong women!
thanks so much....not to
thanks so much....not to derail this thread......but I have been trying to talk my husband into going to see someone.....we were in joint counseling about a year after our son was born, and this is where he discovered the sexual abuse,etc......and he was really angry because I had not told him before, which he had somewhat of a right to be, but his comment was "Now I am stuck with your baggage" and "I have my own problems, I don't have time to listen to yours"...............and the therapist looked at him like he was crazy.
His cheif complaint was that he wasn't getting enough intimacy, but he had a hard time seeing the point that if all you do is criticize and intimidate your partner they probably don't feel much like being intimate. He quit going shortly after because he said it wasn't doing anything for him.
Now, my husband is a wonderful person, a good father, no one makes me laugh harder than he does..... I love him, and we have improved our relationship to a degree, but he still dominates the household and tends to say things like "I don't care if you are mad, I don't care what you think" ......which is pretty hurtful. He has a temper- he has changed jobs 9 times in the past 10 years largely because he doesn't like being told what to do. Our son is very strong willed and takes after him a lot, which worries me because I see the storm clouds on the horizon for conflict between the two of them. I feel like this really has to be the year where I throw down the gauntlet and make some changes.
I see how bitter and unhappy my mom is after years of not dealing with her anger, and I don't want that.
I don't think you
I don't think you derailed...it fits....and who cares...ha..ha
Katy what ever I say please don't take it as I think you should do it.You and I have similar back grounds so I speak of my own expierence.
In other post you have written I could hear the hostiltily towards your husband.Sounds like you have lots of reason to have it.Yes, maybe you side swiped him with the abuse...well only he can decide if he can handle it....and if he can't he knows where the door is......
You were already abused for so long.....take no more! I have been with my husband for 14 years now...and it wasn't always white fluffy clouds....more like dark clouds.He too was abused( we tend to find each other) so between him and I , people pretty much had bets going on our split up...sad but true.I finally did leave for six months and it was rough....however I gained so much insight towards my self I was so glad I did it.He did a lot of work on himself while I was gone and we fought very hard to keep our marriage....I too loved him so much....but after all the abuse I suffered I finally said that is it....I will not take it anymore.And more important I did not want my son to be like him....the anger the frustation..the tears and so on......like I said it was hard but it was so worth it, for us anyways.Because of my abuse my hubby doesn't get sex as much as he would like and it did at first cause problems.....after a while and therapy he understood it wasn't about him.I pysically couldn't do it...and the times I would make myself I would either throw up afterwards or cry.Sounds to me your husband needs to understand you more and he needs therapy......Do you two have really good heart to hearts?? Oh, and by the way the first thing I loved about my hubby was he knew how to make me laugh and still does........
What do you think of a seperation or him going back to therapy?
Well, I don't want a
Well, I don't want a separation as I know it would be devastating to my son, and to all of us.....but, I would very much like us to return to joint counseling,
and I think he should get separate counseling for his anger issues. He has come to more of an understanding about the "physical" aspect of things in the past few years, and I make more of an effort to try and give him the level of affection he wants......but there are times I wonder if I am to blame for a lot of his issues because he's so frustrated with me and he'd be happier with someone else....his family says he has always had this temperament, so it would not matter who he was with.
Not to blame my parents for everything, but when you don't have a model of what a healthy, happy marriage is, then it is hard to understand how to make that happen on your own..............without a lot of work. I think sometimes people who have not had similar background to ours don't realize it that isn't like flipping on a light and saying "ok, Now I'm well adjusted and normal...let the good times roll"...lol
lol......you are right! And
lol......you are right! And it isn't just working on your relationship but you also have to deal with disorders you developed because of the abuse.It can be draining. Interesting you said, " he would be like that with anyone".When I started the seperation, he told me he would be like this in any relationship.And he didn't want another relationship he wanted me,so he went to therapy.I hope your husband goes.And I think joint and personal is they way to go.That is what we did....although I was in therapy a lot longer.I am very glad you are in therapy and I hope you continue.I think you shouldn't blame yourself for his anger towards you, especially when his famliy says he has always been like this.I know it is easy sometimes to just take the blame.However not healthy.I don't feel my husband was to blame for everything we both contribute.I hope your husband knows what a lucky man he is to have you.....anyhting worth having...is worth fighting for!
Those were wonderful tips.
Those were wonderful tips. It's too bad we don't all use reason and follow through with some of them.
My husband often brings up things from the past, and I hate that. I don't do that to him. But we've gotten better about arguing, one reason was a suggestion from a friend. It was to read "The Five Love Languages" book by Gary Chapman, I think...I'd have to dig it out of our library to be certain. It's not really a book about arguing, but showing love for each other.
I found that my husband is one of those people who needs affirmation. So by giving him praise and thanks, I've found he does more around the house (I'm a service sort of gal)...Actually, we're bilingual (both of us also score same points for physical....it's probably why we're still married - LOL!). By understanding each other, I really think it's lead to fewer arguments because we're both happier with the way we are treating each other. Some weeks are better than others... and sometimes we lapse in our behavior...but we're trying and that's helping. :)
Me and my dh rarely ever
Me and my dh rarely ever fight. We do on occasion but thankfully it will be 7 years married soon and two kids later almost 3 and we are both pretty mature and even tempered. We don't hold grudges either. Especially on matters of religion which is our biggest difference we just agree to disagree. Even though of course I always pray he will one day soon come to agree with me and see the light. =)