I'll admit that I'm a big baby about certain things but I have a question that I'm looking for some others insight on and how they would feel if they experienced this or saw this. It's no secret that my husband and I are going through some rough spots as I've asked a lot lately general things because I'm concerned that I'm being too sensitive. One of my best friends had us come over this weekend to her house to celebrate her birthday. Earlier that day I threw her a bridal shower. Today she asked if I had down loaded the pictures from the party and I said I was about to and noticed she had downloaded some pictures from that night. Here's my issue...one of the pictures she downloaded was of her and my husband and the way he was looking at the camera upset me A LOT. It was a look that I expect him to give me and that I haven't seen on his face in a really long time. It bothers me for a couple of reasons. First off about a month ago they had their engagement party there was another picture that was taken that my husband had his arms wrapped around my friend like they were a couple and second, I feel that my husband is crossing a line that if I were to do the same thing, he would be extremely upset and think something else was going on. Any insights to this? Has anyone had this happen and what did you do or think?
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
I had best friends do worse
I had best friends do worse with my boyfriends in the past, so thats why I don't have best friends around my husband. My best friend is 75, unless its my relatives.
I would be suspicious also and I'd bring it to his attention.
Of course, they always deny it. Just watch your back.
Those best friends do you in. I learned the hard way twice.
One Happy Mom in Arizona.
It makes us sound silly, but
It makes us sound silly, but I tend to not have best friends either. Those are always the people that will screw you over faster than someone who is supposed to be your enemy.
But anyway, don't feel bad. You aren't being over sensitive. We are all expected to brush our feelings under the rug so we don't come off as that overbearing wife and usually it is just us that gets hurt in the end. And I also thought marriage was about give and take. So if you were doing something that bothered your spouse, wouldn't you knock it off. But hey thats just my opinion and lately hasn't seemed to mean anything!
Spa Mama
http://www.beautipage.com/elizabethoswald
Your opinion is important
Your opinion is important spamama. It may be a different opinion than some want to hear, but hey, God made us all different, thank goodness. I don't want to be like everyone else.
My mom taught us to be leaders and not followers, so give it all you got. Your opinion counts!
One Happy Mom in Arizona.
My first instinct would be
My first instinct would be to blow my top and go off on my husband. But first of all let me ask you this, how close are you and him to your best friend?? Do you all hang out alot, meet up regularly?? I ask this because depending on how close you all are then I wouldn't suspect anything because they are really good friends just like you are with her. But on the other hand if the guy occasionally sees the friend like say once every two months then yeah I would be furious as well. I just don't see how your friend could have posted pictures like that?? You know what I mean? Take a deep breath and go from there.
We do hang out with her and
We do hang out with her and her fiance regularly...This is the issue...looking at the picture my friend acts like she's taking a picture of her and her friend, it's how he looks that bothers me.
Here's the picture for your viewing and comment.
http://i171.photobucket.com/albums/u306/kimd738/ThePicture.jpg
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
Oh my...........He looks a
Oh my...........He looks a tad bit too happy in that pic. Kim, I'm going to say evaluate the situation and confront him about it. Just stay calm and see how he reacts to the situation. I know how hard it is to loose your composure when in this situation but I have learned that in order to get to the bottom of things the best way to get there is to remain as calm as possible. Best of luck with this.
Of course I'm not speaking
Of course I'm not speaking from being a married women, because I'm not ..... however I've been in relationships before where I've learned about this ... I would definitely question it ..... and NO you're not being too sensitive ... you're being observant and inquisitive and there's nothing wrong with that!! Of course he'll deny it when you approach him, what guy would admit oh yeah I've got the hots for your best friend .... he'd be really foolish to do that (in his eyes) .... if anything by mentioning it you're letting him know you're on to him and his antics!! Good luck Kim & keep us posted!! I think it's great that you feel comfortable to come to us and ask opinions, advice, etc. don't ever feel awkward for doing so .... you're going through a tough time and there's nothing wrong with needing to vent!!
I guess I look at it like
I guess I look at it like there has to be someone else that is going through at least one of the 20 things I'm going through lately and can offer advise lol
I think I'm reaching my end. I'm just not equipped for all of this...I feel like every day I'm living in a ticking time bomb.
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
I know you guys are going
I know you guys are going through a lot due to the recent posts, and I don't know your husband so I can't say what I gather from this picture. You totally know your husband. I don't personally see anything wrong with this picture. If I had a picture of my husband and my best friend I would just think of what a great picture it is having both of my favorite people in it. You know more about your friend, and your husband that I do so I can't really say to much about it.
If you notice that they are acting a certain way around each other, do they meet up without you? Your friend is getting married, and not that it would stop some people I don't know if she would jepordize that relationship.
I think when our lives have so much conflict we tend to not give ourselves enough credit, and then we start to doubt ourselves. Is this (inappropriate term) happening because I don't look the way I used too?!? Stuff like that. That is what I do. I think you need to give yourself more credit, and don't loose site of yourself during these difficult times.
Lisa - Mom to her spunky little Scarlette
Hmm...See and when I saw the
Hmm...See and when I saw the picture I thought my friend looks like she's hanging with my husband, my husband looks like he want to (excuse the term) bang her so you're 1/2 right on that thought.
When we meet up I notice that my husband is very quick to be touchy feely and hug her and kiss her hello also (I hug her fiance but it's always a lot different then when my husband hugs her).
You have my myspace page site so you should go under it to see the "other picture" I'm talking about from the engagement party. You can see how my husband is hanging on to her and judge a little better. (this picture will be removed today also because of this).
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
I don't know if you're being
I don't know if you're being too sensitive, maybe you are and maybe you're not. But you know your husband better than anyone else here, and if something seems off to you, then something is probably off.
Go with your gut - people are usually not wrong about this sort of thing.
I agree; you know your
I agree; you know your husband better than anyone else. Perhaps, given the recent issues you guys have been going through, you're more sensitive than you might normally be? Regardless, if it's a concern to you, then it's a concern....period.
I've had the opposite experience as some of the other posters. My best friend and I have been friends for 30 years. We've been through it all together. My husband and I have been together almost 14 years, and together, we've helped my best friend through some tough times. I would consider him to be a very good friend of hers, as well. A photo like this of the two of them wouldn't bother me in the slightest. However, if this were more of a casual acquiantance and I saw this picture, it would probably bother me.
Jennifer, mom to one special little boy
Thats right! Go with your
Thats right! Go with your gut. Ask him does he always look at other girls like that. We can't be the nagging wife, but we have to question some things. I know men sure don't put up with it. They sometimes try and make us feel like we are crazy for thinking such, but I'd still stand my ground and ask.
One Happy Mom in Arizona.
Yep he looks a little too
Yep he looks a little too happy in that one!! I don't normally see men who are married or in relationships in pictures with other women looking that happy!! I'd call him out on it ... and his reaction would be key to me too ... I always think you can figure out a lot by someone's reaction .... if there's nothing there and it's nothing at all then he should act as such and not make a big deal out of it ... on the other hand if he does make a big deal about it or tries pushing it back on to you or gets real defensive I think those are key signs that there is something else that he's not telling you ..
Sometimes our gut tells us
Sometimes our gut tells us things our heart doesn't want to hear....I say go with your gut.
Paz
Well...........you mentioned
Well...........you mentioned a while ago that your husband's therapist diagnosed him with bi-polar disorder......and from what I know of this condition, depending on whether the person is in a manic or depressive state, the person can become more "promiscuous" or start acting in suggestive when it's not neccessarliy appropriate. When my mom gets into one of her manic episodes, she starts coming on to people randomly and becoming more flirtatious. It's almost like she's on X, if you know what I mean. So, when I was reading the post I was wondering if this may explain some of your husband's behavior toward your friend, like the "look", him throwing his arms around her, etc. Not saying that you are overreacting, just wanted to throw that out there.
Honestly, when I look at that picture, they just look like they've been drinking, I don't get a very tawdry vibe from it. I was expecting something a lot more salacious.
However - I'm just an outsider looking in, and I don't know your husband personally, nor do I know your freind..............there are some times you need to trust your gut. If there are other things going on that raise suspiscion, then you should look into them - but I'd gather a little more ammunition than this before confronting anyone. Do they spend time together without you?
See if this was a one time
See if this was a one time incident, I’d feel differently also and think it was alcohol induced. Unfortunately, this is one of about 3 pictures that they have taken together over a couple of occasions all of which I think are “crossing the line.” I also would feel differently if there were pictures of us that were equally if not more “lovey” looking. The pictures of the engagement party of my husband and I looked like something I would take with a friend and my husband hanging on her is something I’d expect a “couple” to be doing. They don’t spend any time alone together to my knowledge except when we are at my friend’s home (which I now will not be ok with at all). There has also been a couple of things that my husband has said in reference to my friend’s certain upper body area that makes me question how innocent this is also. For instance as a “joke” at the engagement party, he signed her breast because some girl had some guy do it outside the bar. Also, my husband and I were sitting on a bench this weekend and my friend said she wanted to sit down and he says right there next to me “you can sit on my lap.” All these things wouldn’t have bothered me until this picture surfaced. Yes, we were drinking but this was fairly early on because my friend brought out the camera about an hour after we got there so I could take a couple of pictures of her and her fiancé. And honestly if this is behavior because of “what he has” I won’t tolerate that at all. I’m also done tolerating the “this is because of what I have” excuse.
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
He does have his arm around
He does have his arm around her pretty good in that other picture you are talking about. I have a friend that uses her bi-polarism to be permiscuous, and I don't accept it as a excuse at all. Everyone is ultimately responsible for the decisions they always make. Good, bad, sad, ugly the decisions we make as people do effect us for the rest of our lives. I'm sorry that this is happening to you, and please don't take offense to my post. I am really good about flying off the handle and then it turns out to be nothing with my husband. I'm just trying to avoid you having a huge fight which is so stressful. Since it seems to be a normal occurance then I think it would need to stop totally. I can imagine if they are excellent friends, but because things maybe getting inappropriate then the line needs to be drawn. Again I'm very sorry that this is happening to you.
Lisa - Mom to her spunky little Scarlette
None taken :)...I knew that
None taken :)...I knew that if you could see some other pictures it might judge differently also. I too thought nothing of that first picture other than friends until this 2nd one came out.
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
Hey, I wasn't trying to say
Hey, I wasn't trying to say that this was an excuse for his behavior, nor was I saying that you should tolerate it.............just pointing out that this is a common issue with manic-depressives. No one should use mental illness as an excuse to hurt or disrespect the people that care about them.
Just looking at the photobucket picture - it just looks like two drunk people together. I suppose you could look at any picture of two people together and venture a guess that they are a couple, so I don't see anything wrong with it.............but given the additional information, it sounds like there was inappropriate behavior galore that evening.........on your freind's part as well. As I said before, only you know all parties involved, and the history behind the situation.
Don't worry about it...I
Don't worry about it...I knew what you were getting at and honestly I would have not thought much about it if it was a 1 time offense. I appreciate your side of it also. You have a lot of insight to some of the other issues and give me great advise and ideas all time....
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
I just took a glance at that
I just took a glance at that picture, and if you hadn't have said anything, I would have assumed those two were a couple. Maybe this is just weird to me because my friends (the very few I have and seldom see) do not get this close to my husband and likewise, I would never be caught taking a pic like this with one of his friends without there being some kind of suspicion.
If you are able to, i would confront him and just say, "hey- do you have feelings for soandso, or find them attractive?" and maybe after that try speaking with your friend. if she is your best friend, maybe she knows that you two are going through a difficult time and you need her to not be so close to him in order for you and him to make progress in your marriage. let her know how you feel and maybe she will see it from your POV.
good luck and let us all know what happens. you've got a safe place to run and vent here anytime! i for one do not think you are being too sensitive!!!
That's funny you said that.
That's funny you said that. I asked my friend of 14 years what she thought and she asked if that was my husband's ex. Then she asked a co-worker what she thought of the picture and she said, "they look like a really happy couple."
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
Are you also going to be
Are you also going to be confronting your friend about all of this? I'm just wondering, and how long have you guys been friends for? Has she done this with other boyfriends in the past before you were married?
Lisa - Mom to her spunky little Scarlette
I am going to say something
I am going to say something to her. Not sure what yet though. Part of me doesn't know what to say because she's not a boyfriend stealer and she's totally in love with her fiance. I've known her since high school so I'm pretty sure that she looks at this as being friendly and a little too drunk. From both of the pictures she looks like she's having a great time with a friend without seeing anything wrong. Any suggestions?
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
Probably a good idea to
Probably a good idea to confont your husband first. If you think he does have a problem with being borderline inappropriate. I honestly wouldn't know what to say to your friend, but I would first confront your husband since he would ultimately have the control over the show, and what he does, and how it's done. He doesn't have to say hey sit on my lap yada yada. He has that control over that. I'd really hate to have your friendship ruined over something like this.
I think for sure start with your husband.
Lisa - Mom to her spunky little Scarlette
Haven't been able to see the
Haven't been able to see the other pic but honestly the behavior that your hubby has shown in my opinion is way beyond acceptable. Again these are just my 2 cents. My friends know their boundaries and what not, and if I were your friend I would not allow my best friends husband to sign my breasts regardless of whether they were knockers or not. I guess everyone is different and we all have our own boundaries. And if she were my friend for that long (since high school) I would approach her as well, ask her how she would feel if you took pics like this of yourself with her fiance?? Would she feel offended??
I am shocked by how many
I am shocked by how many people don't have or trust their friends. I have been married for 13 years (to the same man) and I could not imagine not having several good girlfriends to share with and bounce things off of. I read one your other post about how you were having problems with your step daughter so it seems like their are a lot of other issues in your house besides this. Maybe instead of posting you two should look into some serious counseling. The bottom line is the world is full of other women, your "best friend" or others. If you don't trust your husband that is your problem, and he is the one that said "I Do".
Hey thanks for that...My
Hey thanks for that...My husband is bipolar manic depressive so he is in counsueling. You must have missed all of my recent posting with the comments also about him saying that his new diagnosis for treating me crappy behavior is because of it. You must have also not looked at the same picture everyone else did oh and further more, you must have also missed the comment that I said I do trust my friend because her in the picture is "hey I'm taking a picture with my friend." The problems with my stepdaughter are also because of "what he has" and his ex wife that baby their daughter and let her get her way. I also post on here to get an unbiased opinion on my actions from other women that have either been through the same things as me, Oh and when I said "I do" I did trust my husband. I also didn't go around asking his friends to let me sit on their laps or putting my hand innapproriately on another man as my husband has done. I don't trust my husband now, would you if he treated you friend more loving then he treats you. From your posting it sounds like you have more than once sat on you friend's husband's lap or done something else you are ashamed about.
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
Honestly, I agree with
Honestly, I agree with Katie. Just seems as if they had a few drinks and he was enjoying himself. And with all he has been told lately he most likely needed it.
This is what I think.....I feel you may be adding fuel to the fire, right now. It isn't just this post.I know you and your husband are having a rough time....it is understandable that you are looking at everything as a negative.
When you have several issues going on...it is almost impossiable to deal with them all at one time.I say take a deep breath....deal with his mental state at the moment.Yours as well...then go to the next....
It sounds to me like your about to explode.....I can understand.However, before it gets there.....try to calm...then think clearly....and don't look for any negatives.I really wish you the best :)
I agree with that,
I agree with that, too......Kim, I know that you are frustrated, and you have valid reasons to be, so I don't blame you for wanting to vent. I would, too!
But - having said that - and here is the part you may not recieve well, but I hope you know I say it with love - it seems like you are finding fault with a lot he's doing lately..........granted, it seems he's giving you a lot of material, but I think there has got to come a point where you sit down and think "Do I love this man, is he worth it, and can I deal with this situation, or is it too much for me and do I need to walk away?"............and given the complicated issues at hand, there is no shame on you for choosing the latter. If you are determined to stay with him and you do love him, you have to start looking for the good in him again....easier said than done, but I think to turn things around you have to. I have had to confront myself and do the same.
This doesn't let him off the hook - he has got to want to get better, and he has got to really want your relationship to work.
Michelle gives some good advice.....take it one day, one thing at a time.
No I know what you are
No I know what you are saying as well and I do take it as loving advice and I also think that what Michelle has said wasn't horrible either :). Both of you have seen most of my posts so I appreciate your comments and insight on this. Also I did say in my original posts that I could be being a little oversensitive because of not just this but everything else that's happened.
I honestly think that by my husband starting counseling he's now using what he has as an excuse rather than acknowledging it and using the diagnosis as a tool to help his situation. For the last week all I've heard on every out burst (and not just with me but work, kids, and other scenarios), "I'm sorry I did, said, acted like this, but it's because of what I have." I guess that's why this is so bad to me. If every occassion he says, "It's because of what I have," then that means to me that he has justification for every thing negative he does.
I just think this is icing on the cake of bad attitude and behavior lately...
Sorry I have vented a lot lately. My personal friends are also friends of my husband so it's hard to vent to them and ask for them to give me honest opinions. I come on here to get validation, advice, and ask others their opinions. Grant it we always don't have the same, but sometimes you need a second glance or approach that is different. I respect everyone on here that has spoken their mind whether or not they have hurt my feelings or whether or not it's what I "want" to hear unless I feel as though they are attacking me or others. Someone once told me what makes good friends is those who can have a disagreement over coffee and then 20 minutes later have a good laugh over a glass a wine.
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
That was funny. No like I
That was funny. No like I said I have been married for 13 years. From your post both about your family and comments to others replies the common denominator is obvious. I am new to this forum and just surprised someone would spend so much time talking about all their marriage/divorce/ex-husband/wife drama. I think I will stick to the professional forums and come back if I have a construction question.
She needs a safe place to
She needs a safe place to vent - give her a break.
If you don't like her posts, just sob(scroll on by)!
Thanks for saying that
Thanks for saying that Katy.....
Kim has been here a while and has made some friends here.She hasn't always complained....and I don't at all feel as if she is complaining. She is venting and for the ones who know her through this forum....can feel for her.This site is for all kinds of topics.....
So I agree with Katy.....
You go girl! Perfectly said.
You go girl! Perfectly said.
I've read through some of
I've read through some of your other posts and agree that it seems like there are several things happening between you and your husband! After looking at the picture, I would have thought nothing of it. Then after reading your replies, I can see what you're talking about. They do look a bit cozy together! I agree with other posts to talk to him about it, but also to sit down to analyze if he is really the person that you want to be with. No offense, but have you thought of seeing a counselor yourself? I was just thinking that in addition to having the support you have here, you could have the support of a "professional." I guess because I work in the field, I see counseling as a tool. It could give you some insight into yourself, etc. Like I said, no offense, just a thought :) Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Sorry you felt attacked by the poster above.....
KiKaMom
Kim....my gosh, how have you
Kim....my gosh, how have you not completely crumbled yet? You have a lot more strength than you think you do, sweetie! I do not for one minute think you are being too sensitive. Enough is enough already with his behavior! I would be FURIOUS if my hubby signed a friend's upper body area. That right there is crossing the line from both parties. She should have never let him, and he shouldn't have wanted to. But, you can not go back and change the behavior, you can only gather your thoughts and move forward. So, here is my suggestion... for whatever it's worth:
Talk to your friend about the fact that this is bothering you. Ask her if your husband has ever made her uncomfortable or said inappropriate things to her, he may have, and she was afraid to mention it because he is your hubby and she didn't want to upset you. This conversation with your friend may provide more insight to how many feelings (if any) your hubby has for her. Then, talk to your hubby. Ask him how he would feel if the tables were turned. Let him know that it bothers you.
You need to sit down and ask yourself is this is all worth it. I know you value your marriage and value your vows, but your husband is not the person today that he was on your wedding day. His diagnosis can not be an excuse anymore. How much more does he expect you to take? I know that your children are the most important thing in your life, so please think of the examples he is setting for your children. I know that this particular incident you are talking about wasn't done in front of the kids, but some of the other issues have been.
Good luck with everything. Just know..we are all here for you and no matter what the haters say...we always will be here for advice and opinions!!!! =0)
PS...I just had an idea come to me, if you want to non-chalantly bring it up to your friend, you could maybe say..."so and so (someone who knows you but not her or your hubby) saw the picture of you and (your hubby's name here) and thought you guys were a happy couple" Then see what her reaction is. Then you can lead in with...."it got me thinking, and it really bothered me that someone would see you two like that" then ask her the questions I mentioned above in the 2nd paragraph. Just an idea...hope it helps.
♥ "LIFE AIN'T ALWAYS BEAUTIFUL, BUT IT'S A BEAUTIFUL RIDE" ♥--Gary Alan
You really have to trust
You really have to trust your radar right now because it is very sensitive.
I, too, thought he looked a little "libation happy" in the photo.
Surely, your friend has a clue about what what's going on right now, but I wonder if she realized the (potential) harm in displaying the photo. And, as your friend, if you approach her and tell her that the photos make you feel uncomfortable, she should be a friend and take them down. If she doesn't and gives you a hard time about it, then she's not being a very good friend.
Mouse_tales is a discussion leader in the East Valley for arizonamoms.com. She spends most of her days juggling her duties as a (bio & step) mom, wife, and business owner. Her three little kittens range in age from 5 to 13.
I don't know... my first
I don't know... my first husband got my best friend pregant . then she took off with her stepfather and got married after he divorced her mother.I was retty tornup about that cause I found them having sex in my vehicle that i paid for cause he didnt work. so that one is gone. then got married again and same thing happened only i found a hospital bill with my husbands mane onit and it turned out it was whenhe paid for my best friends (another girl) tubal pregancy surgery. so that one was gone too. I only hung out with male friends for a long time and still moslty men are my friends. they dont gossip, they arent catty and can be handy when you need somethign fixed. plus they always looked out for me . still do. i had only men as my bridesmen when imarried for the last tiem. we have been married for 10 yrs now. i think a lot of it was my fault, now that i look back on it. butit also has a lot to do with the husbands, if they are going to cheat they will do it no matter what. and if you live with that person you have got to know what kind of a manhe is. if you are having doubts then you prbably already know how he is. you knowyour firend and if she has done this before there may be reson to suspect.. deep in your heart you know but you dont want to face it. and the constant nagging and not getting along doesnt help either it pushes each other away. I totally trust my current husband andhave no problem thinking he may cheat or that he isinaporpriate. well we mostly hang out with my guy friends but i have a few good gilrfirends and he is loving and hugs them just like i do. he has no problem with my guy firends cause he knows they are family to me and i hug them and am affectionate with them too. it is all a matter of trust and if you cant trust then you shouldnt be toeether.
Well, my thoughts are that
Well, my thoughts are that if you have gut feeling, its usually right. Unless you are guilty of something like this, then I would question it. Or are you feeling a little too insecure with your marriage and looking for an excuse for blame or something like that? I have felt like this before and it was because I did feel insecure about myself and my relationship with my partner. I definitely think if you are having problems with your marriage, a counselor is the best place to go, hoping that he would agree to it.
I don't think you're being
I don't think you're being too sensitive. No one wants to see her husband posing in pictures like that with another woman - it makes us a little jealous, even if swear up and down that we're not the jealous type, we trust our husbands completely, love that best friend, etc.
Susie is a discussion leader in the east valley for arizonamoms.com. She has two sons, ages 7 and 3.
I agree with Susie - I don't
I agree with Susie - I don't think you're being overly sensitive and I would definitely trust your gut instinct. Whether he's had a few drinks or not he shouldn't be looking at other women like that. I'll say some prayers for you - please let us know how things go when you talk to your husband about this.
Lattemom is the mother of three energetic kids ages 6, 8 & 12 and a discussion leader for arizonamoms.com.
If you would like to bring
If you would like to bring it up to her I would first ask her if his behavior toward her is creeping her out, then you might get a feel if she is bothered by it. If she hasn't noticed his behavior as an annoyance, you'll have somewhere to start when you bring this up to your husband. He will tell you, that you are making something out of nothing - typical male b.s. Of course we don't want to "nag" but at the same time don't we say that communication is so important? I would tell him it bothers you for sure, and hopefully he will become aware and get his act together. I have had some experience in this but that's a whole other topic!