Does anyone have advice on how they handle dating with their kids and the attachment to the new man? I've been dating a man for 9 months now, could have a future, maybe not, we are not going to get married til we are sure but my 10 year old daughter does adore him but is scared to get attached to him because she is scared he'll fade away like her biological dad. One minute she'll let her guard down and have fun around him, then the next time she'll ignore him and tell me "well, your not going to marry him anyway, so why should I talk to him" (yes, she has issues and we are trying to work through them!!!) He's also talked with her and we've both said we are hoping things work out and we are together, but it is a process that takes time. My other kids are find with how things are, just enjoying the "moment" but she wants to be a family and wants it to be permanent with guarantees now!
Please don't say keep the dating life separate from the family life because "blending" the families will be a big issue if we do get married, so we need to see how everyone interacts together.
Let me first say that I've
Let me first say that I've been there more than once and I understand where your concerns are (I was a single on and off mom for about 10 years). My advice is if she feels this way about it maybe try to keep the interaction between them light and fun for the time being (especially if you are trying to get over some emotional hurdles with her right now). Don't force interaction and don't let her be rude either. If she is, you need to calmly pull her aside and say "whether or not we plan to marry does not give you the right to hurt his feelings and be rude." She may come around and she may not, but just give her a little time in the mean time. It's hard when a child has been let down by an adult to put trust into another one.
"It's not to late to become who you've always wanted to be..."
Actions speak way louder
Actions speak way louder than words. As a child I had five (yes 5) step-fathers. Words became meaningless to me, the ones that were there when I needed them were the ones I remembered.
I agree with the first post
I agree with the first post that you don't want to force interaction but you can't keep the dating life and family separate at this stage in the game - you do need to see how everyone is together. Keep things fun and let your daughter take the lead emotionally (but not to the point of being rude). I would also encourage your daughter to talk to you as much as possible about issues that you're trying to work through - that's important regardless of how the relationship with your boyfriend ends up
Susie is a discussion leader in the east valley for arizonamoms.com. She has two sons, ages 6 and 2.
I would remind my kids that
I would remind my kids that we should enjoy our time with (and of course show respect for) the people in our life without factoring in whether or not they'll be 'permanent fixtures.'
I'm sure she has had teachers, friends' parents, even other relatives who have brought her joy even though they might only have been in her life for awhile. Right now, remind her of those memories and the people who were dear to her but that she might not see as often as she once did --- and tell her you are not sure yet how your boyfriend will fit into the 'big picture' but that's no reason not to make the most out of "now."
You might also try a
You might also try a counselor - someone who specialises in children and slingle parents. This would be simply to provide her with a venue to speak about her thoughts.
For your daughter ... Not
For your daughter ...
Not every guy who dates Mom is going to be a Dad. And that is okay, especially if he's fun and buys pizza. Friends love each other, too, so it's okay to be friends with (and love) your Mom's friend. Adults are complicated, so there's no telling if they're going to make wedding plans, or if they're going to split up because one person wants to drink milk out of the carton, and the other wants to squeeze the toothpaste out of the middle.
Even if he does marry Mom, it's absolutely okay for him to be your friend, and not your Dad. You'll have to respect him as an adult in the house, but he's not going to be the boss of you just because they got married. You can pick him to be your Dad -- totally up to you -- but once you do that, he will be the boss of you, and you'll have to respect that.
I agree with the first post.
I agree with the first post. Awesome wording! I also agree to remind her or have him tell her that he's there to be her friend, not her dad. If it comes to that later, great. If not, great. But in the meantime, he is trying to be her friend and respect him as an adult. Good luck!
There is no way to be a perfect mother, but a million ways to be a good one!
Thanks for the advice, that
Thanks for the advice, that basically is what I had told her, but wanted to get some input from other parents also! Having what we have is always better than not having anything at all . . . to enjoy it for what it is now and not stress about what the future brings, as we've learned . . . you can't control what happens when other people are involved.